Push Jelly

Nothing To See Here

2009-05-15T14:59:00.002+01:00

Sorry, but there really isn't.

I currently write for The Daily Mash and as they have a better class of biscuit than are provided at Blogspot, I'll not be posting on here for the forseeable future.

Not until they catch me stealing their mail, anyway.

So go to The Daily Mash. It's here:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/

and it's really funny. Even, on the odd occasion, the bits I write.

Thanks.

Push Jelly.

“Mugabe, Schmugabe” Says Tsvangirai

2009-02-13T16:23:00.002Z

“What’s The Big Deal?” Asks Prime Minister About Mass Murderer

As Morgan Tsvangirai was sworn in as Zimbabwe’s new prime minister in a power-sharing government, he told press “You guys need to chill the fuck out about Bobby, okay? Look we’ve all made mistakes, said stuff we shouldn’t have, executed one political dissident too many. Life’s too short to hold grudges though, eh?”

In his first day in office, Tsvingarai stated that he faced “Immediate challenges that require immediate remedies. Our currency is worth less then the air expelled saying the word “Hyperinflation” and our government is riddled with crooks that The Big M knows nothing about, seriously. And the air conditioning in my office sounds like two robots buttfucking.”

The new prime minister warned the international community that “People need to get over Mugabe as a person. To you, he may seem like a gibbering lunatic with wacky views on homosexuality, democracy and not flinging opposition ministers into gorges. But having got to know him, I can say he’s a real sweet guy that makes a bitching mojito. And you should hear him on karaoke singing “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Helluva set of pipes.”

When asked why three secret service officers were holding pistols to his temple while a fourth held a set of notes under his face, Tsvangirai stated “These guys? Pay them no mind. Bobby M hired them to look after me. He said that if anyone tried to assassinate me, they’d be up real close. So these guys are keeping their guns next to my face so scare them away. Honestly. Could we change the subject, please?” He went on to dismiss claims that he was being forced to read a prepared statement by Mugabe, claiming the papers were being thrust under his nose because “I forgot to order a lectern. My bad.”

Mugabe praised Tsvingarai’s appointment, stating “This is a new day for the people of Zimbabwe. An era of trust and cooperation is upon us. I know I share my colleague’s fullest confidence as well as the support of his family, who are being housed in my maximum security enclave for their own protection.” He also refuted reports that news footage showed Tsvingarai mouthing the words “Please. Help. Me.” during his inauguration.

UK Braced For 'Dry Saturday'

2009-02-12T15:30:00.002Z

“Avalanche Of Crispy Socks” Anticipated

With the economic meltdown worsening, Britain's boyfriends and husbands are anticipating the least sexually active Valentine's Day since records began. "We're looking at a nation of swollen-bollocked frustration" said the Institute Of Legover Studies' Art Ebbsfleet.

"With most partners unable to afford more than a card from the newsagent's, less than 15% of Britain's men will enjoy the traditional Valentine stocking-clad erotic frenzy." And Ebbsfleet warns "It is doubtful, given the current crisis, that any UK male will get to do that thing he's been pestering the wife to do for months and she reckons is disgusting."

Ebbsfleet estimates approximately 300,000 of backed-up reproductive fluid will by sloshing around the nation’s boxer shorts in the days to follow. And he warns that the knock-on effects could be catastrophic. “Our surveys have shown that backed-up men are involved in more car crashes & household accidents, as well as being an absolute fucking nightmare to be around.”

Clintons Cards have already warned of a poor Valentine’s Day. “We’ve had blokes milling about the shop, looking at our five-quid plastic roses, sorting the loose change in their pocket, then walking out empty-handed” said Clintons boss Jeff Knutsford.

Local councils have been placed on high alert as police warned that many will have to resort to stealing blooms from nearby parks. Garage forecourts also anticipate similar raids.

“It’s totally unfair” said recently-redundant investment banker Todd Moore. “I slogged my guts out for ten years making vast fortunes with other people’s money. And now it looks like I’ll have to knock myself around on Valentine’s Day just because I can’t run to a box of overpriced chocolates and a big pink piece of card with a teddy bear on it.”

But Liz Crompton, 27, of Sandilands stated “For twelve months of the year I have to put up with flatulence and bone-idleness. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that, for one day of the year, I get showered with expensive trinkets before I’m expected to feign enthusiasm for five minutes of drunken, inexpert coitus.”

"Fuck Off With That Scalpel" Kinnear Tells Surgeons

2009-02-11T15:42:00.002Z

Noted Cardiologist Threatened With “A Good Bollock-Mangling”

Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear has jeopardised his health after dubbing his surgical team "A shower of shitfists" according to medical staff. "We were trying to discuss his bypass operation" said anesthetist Jason Ebbsfleet "And he just pointed his finger at each member of staff and came out with a different swear word."

The consultation started badly when Kinnear asked who would be performing the operation. When cardiologist Dr Frank Knutsford identified himself, Kinnear retorted "You're a cunt." After two nurses fainted during the discussion, Kinnear was moved to a specialist ward staffed by ex-navvies.

Kinnear was rushed into hospital after complaining of chest pains. A transcript of the 999 call records the following conversation:

“999 emergency. Which service do you require?”“Just fuck off and listen to me, you twat-farm. I’ve got pains in my christing chest and I need a shitting ambulance. Com-fucking-prende?”

“Please calm down sir. When did these pains start?”“As soon as I started talking to you, you frigging cock-wrangler. Ambulance. Now. Get my shagging drift?”

The operation is due to take place tomorrow and Kinnear’s medical team predict possible complications. “It’s unusual that we’d have to strap a patient’s arms down during an operation” said Ebbsfleet “But with delicate surgery like this, we can’t afford to have him flicking the v’s at the theatre nurse during surgery”.

Kinnear’s agent has released a statement regarding the Newcastle manager’s recuperation. “Joe expects to be out of hospital by next week. He told me today that he ‘Will spend a couple of months at home with the bunch of wankers I call a family. Newcastle will just have to titting well look after itself.’”

Fans flooded Newcastle’s internet board with messages of support. “Get arseing well better soon” read one post, while “Tooning Fork 4Eva” wrote “Hope to see you back in the dugout soon, you old twatbladder.”

Newcastle FC told reporters “In the spirit of Joe’s time at the club, we’d have to say that as we’re currently near the bottom of the table and without a manager, we’re up cunt creek with a dick paddle.”

Christopher Reeve "Better Off Gurning His Trap Away" Says Professor

2009-02-09T12:55:00.001Z

“Waving One’s Hands In The Air Like One Just Doesn’t Care” Recommended

In an article for the Journal of Psychopharmacology, a leading professor has pointed out that ecstasy-taking is much safer than horse riding as it "Has far fewer instances of neck injuries, doesn't turn you into a chinless twat and has killed a lot less Superman actors."

Professor David Knutt advises "Any youth wondering whether to enter a gymkhana or fuck their nut off in a field listening to 180 bpm gabba hardcore needs to be aware of the relative dangers."

In a five year study, Professor Knutt monitored the relative injuries of two distinct groups – one set of inbred, horsey types with names such as ‘Tamara’ and “Ffion” and one set of saucer-eyed serotonin vampires called “Geeza” and “Woot”.

Common injuries amongst the first group were typically broken bones from horse falls, as well as minor ailments such as torn rectums from boarding school-related activities. Fatalities, though rare, were consistent with forcing a one-ton animal at a brick wall he’d much prefer not to jump over.

The latter group fared better, with only a handful of deaths. These were typically from over-hydration as ecstasy users often gulp water like a Gobi desert to avoid dehydration. Common minor ailments occurred from flying whistles, allergies to Vicks Vapo Rub and repetitive strain injuries to elbows from ‘Giving it up for the Essex massiiiiiive.”

“Despite the scare stories following the death of Leah Betts from one E tablet and a litre of vodka, regular consumption of the drug shows a far smaller risk of death than horse riding” concludes Dr Knutt in his report. “It’s not to say such behaviour is totally without risk. Tinnitus, inability to string sentences together and woeful record collections are all negative side effects.”

Yelping scare factory and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has dismissed the professor’s report as “Dangerously grounded in research and facts.” In a press statement conducted while stroking a small doll with its eyes stabbed out, Smith stated “Once again I’ve ridden roughshod over the advice of an expert employed to give the government advice. If this surprises you, it’s only fair to warn you that the sun will rise tomorrow and Jude Law will continue to be an irreparable cunt.”

In direct contradiction to Dr Knutt’s findings, Smith is expected to push through a bill making the act of “Having it large” punishable by death.

News & Horoscopes

2009-01-29T15:43:00.001Z

Underground To Be Run By Mice

Following news that London Underground is set to lose 1,000 jobs, TFL bosses have outlined their plans for the District, Northern and Circle lines to be run by mice. In the new staffing proposals, all ticket inspections, train driving and public announcements are to be undertaken by the two-inch rodents that currently infest the system.

“Most of the traffic into central London during peak hours used to consist of bank workers but following the recent economic embolism, they’re all sat in their multimillion pound homes, living off their massive savings and waiting the storm out. Despite this drop in fare revenue, we’re still obliged to provide a service, if you can call it that with a straight face.”

“Wage bills had to be cut and we quickly realised we had a ready-made workforce living in the tube system already. Tube drivers typically earn over 30 large for reading the paper at the front of an automated metal tube. Mice can easily cover this duty and are happy to be paid in leftover scraps of Subway sandwiches. They’re far less likely to turn up for work pissed, too.”

This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio: You won't believe what the stars have in store this week. So I'm not going to fucking well tell you.

Gemini: Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings.

Libra: It is time you realised that those limited edition Sneaker Pimp 12" singles are not 'Going to be well pricey one day". Throw them out, you ageing tit.

Cancer: Nobody ever gets over their first love but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.

AIDS: If desperation truly is the worst cologne, this week you will stink like a Yorkshire vet's fist.

Space Otter: Why did you buy another box of Oxo cubes? You've already got five of them in the cupboard, for christ's sake.

One That Looks Like A Goat: That feeling you've had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.

Aquarius: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?

Mondeo: Something about changes in the workplace and a new relationship starting. Either that or it's something to do with a phone call. I could care less, frankly.

Bison: The past is a foreign country and so is Uganda. Three guesses where you're going to end up by Friday.

Capricorn: A reunion with old school friends is on the cards. You'd better get started inventing what you've done with your life for the past twenty years.

Capricorn I: According to your astrological chart, approximately four million people in Britain will have exactly the same kind of week that you're going to have.

Gladiator: It will soon become apparent that you don't even like 80% of what's on your iPod. John Cougar Mellencamp? What were you thinking?

Sky News Flings Kittens Into Trees

2009-01-29T11:38:00.002Z

“…And Finally” Item Shortage Blamed

Sky News face charges of false reporting today as evidence emerges that the broadcaster has been fabricating heartwarming fluff pieces for the end of their programs. Following the recent criticism levelled at the BBC for falsifying telephone poll results, Sky could be in for a torrid time from media watchdogs as they stand accused of “Wilfully and inaccurately presenting the UK as a country filled with amiable eccentrics and life-affirming incidents”

An ex-cameraman for Sky News has leaked footage showing presenter Anna Botting laughing hysterically as several kittens are tossed from their news helicopter into a larch tree outside Knutsford. Believing her microphone to be switched off, Botting can be heard to say “A tenner says the tabby one gets groundfucked.” The local fire brigade are understood to be considering legal action for timewasting as they spent two hours photogenically removing the distressed felines from the tree’s branches.

Other footage shows Sky staff nailing a terrier’s paws to a skateboard, bribing a small Oxfordshire village into cooking the world’s largest enchilada and threatening two pensioners, both aged over 100, with eviction from their care home if they refused to get married. The former Sky cameraman said “I used to dread coming into work. I’ve covered the civil war in Rwanda and the famine in the Sudan, but what these guys did to get their stories was obscene. When they asked me to pretend I was a quadriplegic learning to Riverdance, I quit on the spot.”

Sky News have been quick to denounce the former staff member’s claims, stating “The individual in question was fired after several instances of gross misconduct. He once referred to Rupert Murdoch as a ‘button-eyed shit factory’ and got into a fight with Eamonn Holmes after he’d implied that Mr Holmes was a charmless fat cunt. The last straw was when he arrived for work clearly inebriated, slapped his penis against Dermot Murnaghan’s cheek and roared “THERE’S your headline”. We cannot allow such behaviour and his contract was terminated as a result.”

Sky News refused to comment on the footage allegedly showing the broadcaster fabricating stories, but one insider conceded there may be some truth in the claims. “It’s getting harder each week to end the reports on a high note” said the unnamed source. “You want to leave the viewer with a smile on their face but the world’s turning into an episode of The Wire written by a manically-depressed misanthrope with a hangover. It’s just too horrible.”

Footballer Denies Charge Of Consensual Sex

2009-01-28T13:51:00.002Z

Decent, Loving Trysts “Never Happened” Says Star

The footballer named today in a tabloid story as having indulged in “Repeated, considerate sexual acts of a legal, caring nature” has denied the allegation as “Absolute fiction”. The footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has stated “I am one of the wealthiest, most successful footballers in the country. Why would I risk my career at Old Trafford, my place in the Portuguese national side or my club number 7 shirt just to have normal, intimate sex with one long-term sexual partner?”

The statement came after one national tabloid printed a story, entitled “My Monogomy Heaven”, detailing years of alleged lovemaking with the unnamed World Player Of The Year. The interview with a 31-year-old woman describing herself as “An unknown middle manager in a regional pharmaceutical firm” euphemistically lists repeated occasions where the footballer “Took my needs into consideration, preserved my anonymity to protect my feelings and continually insisted on treating me as a valuable human being.”

Press experts are already questioning the validity of the claims, with one stating “It’s a well-known fact that sexual intercourse with a footballer, whether it’s in a plush £1000-per-night hotel or against your will down the back alley of a low-rent nightclub, will always fall into two categories. Either the footballer is seriously under-endowed, can only last a couple of minutes and has no idea how to please a woman. Or the encounter can only be described as a ‘romp’, involving multiple orgasms, various foodstuffs and complex equipment. Ideally, the recipient will describe the footballer as an animal that has no trouble scoring between the sheets.”

The fact that the unnamed woman described her nights of passion as ‘lovemaking’ rather than “X-rated action” has also thrown her claims into doubt. The footballer in question, whose anonymity is currently preserved following a court order, stated “This is worse than when I winked at the bench after Rooney got sent off. I have the deepest respect for the traditions of the Premiership, and to imply that I would have sex without filming it on my mobile, involving my teammates in the action or just viciously sexually assaulting her is a terrible slur on my character.”

Lawyers representing the footballer, who due to legal restrictions can only be referred to as “CR”, have already supplied the police with several instances of degrading group sex and cash payments to rape victims as proof that the player could not have been involved in the adult, responsible relationship alleged in the article.

Hollyoaks Failing To Meet Masturbatory Standards

2009-01-28T10:16:00.000Z

Soap ‘Barely Raises A Doughy Semi’ Says Ofcom

Channel 4 faced further criticism yesterday when an Ofcom report accused the broadcaster of failing to meet its remit of onanistic fodder via the teen soap ‘Hollyoaks’. “We have noticed that the amount of large-breasted teenaged girls prancing about in their underwear for no dramatically-justified reason has been steadily falling since 2004” said Ofcom. “Channel 4 attempted to make amends with the introduction of late-night episodes of the soap but our staff were saddened to report that these episodes merely forced the viewer to watch another hour of barely-coherent guff for a brief glance of nip.”

Channel 4 has been quick to refute the accusation, stating “We stand firm in our commitment to producing challenging entertainment away from the mainstream. We also acknowledge that, since its inception, Channel 4 has been the broadcaster of choice for those requiring visual stimulus for self-pollution but have no access to pornography.”

“Channel 4 strongly believes that the makers of Hollyoaks continue to make engaging, well-written drama that gives the viewer something to get them up the runway whilst idly toying with their genitals of a Sunday afternoon. That tarty dark-haired one would make the mercury in a thermometer stiff, for a start.”

Hollyoaks started life in 1995 and initially served as an outlet for the increasing number of out-of-work models and failed children’s TV presenters in the industry. Early plot lines were basic and functional, written merely to give the ‘actors’ a reason for moving about on the screen and included characters going to the shops, painting a shed and counting matchsticks.

But when an episode featuring four female characters washing a car was aired, Hollyoaks’ format was set in stone. Channel 4 quickly realised they had a program that could fuel masturbatory fantasies without needing to be a subtitled Dutch film about turnips. Spurred on by their success, producers wrote further storylines featuring a student house constructed out of a bouncy castle, mutant bra-eating moths and an outbreak of slow-motion lesbianism.

However, chairman of the Hollyoaks fanclub, Eric Ebbsfleet, feels that the soap’s standards have slipped dramatically. “There was a time that I could crack a couple out before the first ad break” said Ebbsfleet. “But these days it’s full of emo kids, middle-aged shopkeepers and stories about mental illness. You’d have to be positively German to slap yourself happy over that.”

BBC To Cancel Comic Relief

2009-01-26T12:28:00.002Z

Impartiality More Important Than Alleviating Suffering, Says Broadcaster

The BBC have announced that they will no longer be hosting the biennial Comic Relief fundraiser over concerns it may breach the channel’s impartiality clause. “While we appreciate that the show raises a lot of awareness about poverty, hunger and lack of education in developing countries, we cannot be seen to show any political bias” said a BBC person. “As many of the problems in the Third World tackled by Comic Relief are created by corrupt and violent political systems, we feel it is better to let them get on with it if it means we can continue to justify our incredibly well-remunerated positions at the BBC.”

“Nobody can deny that working to give the world’s young a decent education, basic medicine and drinking water that doesn’t look like a biology experiment is a good thing” the BBC continued “But impartiality is the key issue. While it may be acceptable to imply, via our sitcoms and dramas, that everyone in Britain is white, middle class and used to be in Grange Hill, it is not acceptable to imply, even tacitly, that barking mad generals spunking their country’s GDP on 400-foot-high bronze statues of themselves, rather than child health care, is a bad thing.”

But Ofcom have warned the BBC that they must continue to change in order to avoid claims of partiality. “Close monitoring of the BBC’s output still show worrying signs of bias” said Ofcom person Tenko Ebbsfleet. “We are concerned that their programs still show bias toward the view that Chris Moyles isn’t a horrifically useless gusset stain and the idea that anyone gives a gently marinated toss whether some glamour model is any good at limbo dancing, for instance.”

Comic Relief, which has raised hundreds of millions of pounds since its inception in 1985, will now be looking for a new broadcaster following the BBC ban. One insider said “Channel 5 have offered us a good deal, so long as we can work in some sketches about shark attacks or Nazis. Freddie Starr’s already been in touch.” While the charity is disappointed by the BBC’s decision, they do feel some good may come out of it.

“Like any charity, we should always be looking for new ways of raising revenue, and a move away from the BBC may help us do that. It will also mean we’ll no longer have Jonathan Ross hosting the thing, so we’ll avoid having to apologise when he offers to have sex with a starving octogenarian Ethiopian woman. And no Lenny Henry, let’s not forget that.”

Halifax Howard ‘Livid’ At Oscar Snub

2009-01-23T10:14:00.001Z

Moonfaced Not-Actor Trashes Set

Howard Brown, best known for his appearances in the Halifax advertising campaign, was arrested last night for criminal damage after he’d read he was not amongst the nominees for this year’s Oscars.

According to one inside source “The guy was reading a news website when the Oscar list was announced. He scanned down the list muttering “Howard Brown, Howard Brown, come on you fucking twats, where’s Howard Brown?” When it became obvious his name wasn’t there he just went mental. He threw his laptop at Cheryl from the Croydon branch, who was due to appear in the latest ad singing a version of ‘Simply The Best’. She’s got an eye on her like Gascoigne’s girlfriend this morning, the poor thing.”

Brown’s rampage continued for several minutes, during which time he threw a script at the advert director which is believed to have been smeared with his own faeces. Several pieces of the set were severely damaged by Brown kicking them while repeatedly shouting “I’ll give them extra, the fuckbastards!”

Howard Brown’s agent, Morden Ebbsfleet, issued a statement this morning, starting by saying “First of all, yes, I know – Howard Brown has an agent? What the actual fuck? Anyway” continued Ebbsfleet “I would first of all like to say that my client has the utmost respect for the Oscar judging panel. He also wishes the best of luck to his fellow actors Sean Penn & Mickey Rourke. Howard has often stated how much Penn’s method approach to acting has influenced his own work, especially during the “My First, My Last, My Extra Thing” campaign.”

“My client has been under great stress recently. The current economic client dictates that financial institutions cannot afford to pay vast sums of money to a wooden imbecile performing barely-acceptable karaoke. The pressure of this, as well as continuing his duties as a Halifax branch manager, led him to mix up his pain medication with some strong horse tranquilisers that had been placed in the dressing room by persons unknown.”

This morning, Metropolitan Police would only confirm that they had arrested “A buffoonish idiot in his early forties after an incident at Elstree Studios”. Brown is expected to be given bail, but one unnamed member of the camera crew who witnessed Brown’s carnage thinks this is a mistake. “The BAFTAs are just around the corner and if he’s not named again, god knows what will happen. I know he may look like a vaguely disappointed, myopic shrew but if yesterday’s performance is anything to go by, a lack of BAFTA recognition could make the bloke go totally Dunblane.”

Fatties To Binge On Slimming Medicine

2009-01-22T10:51:00.000Z

Decision To Produce Pie-Flavoured Pills Questioned

As GlaxoSmithKline prepare to launch their non-prescription slimming pill Orlistat, many have criticised the decision to release the pill in a variety of flavours. Available from next month, Orlistat will come in “Smoky Bacon”, “Marshmallow” and “Pie” flavours. GlaxoSmithKline stated that “Extensive research has shown that our potential customers would prefer the treatment to come in a variety of mouth-watering flavours. Our decision to produce a form of the drug in a chocolate fudge milkshake reflects this.”

But Dr David Haslam of the National Obesity Forum has warned this could lead to accidental overdoses. “I have worked with thousands of patients battling with the terrible affliction of obesity during my time with the forum. And I can categorically state that if you make the pills tasty then these bunch of plumpers will be popping them down like they’re M&Ms.” Potential side-effects listed in Orlistat packaging include “Dizziness, shortness of breath and shitting like a torture victim drinking molten lead smoothies”

Research into the effectiveness of Orlistat has taken over ten years. The program hit a number of difficulties, with one research lab having to move offices after a KFC opened next door. “We’d be trying to see if the drug effectively absorbed fat from consumed food and they’d be shovelling buckets of greasy wings down their gullets at twice the normal rate, so we were back where we started” said one scientist. Another test group proved especially difficult, with researchers having to entice subjects into the lab with slices of Battenberg on fishing rods.

Screeching not-really-a-doctor ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith has criticised the Medical Council’s decision to allow sales of the drug, stating “At the end of the day, there’s no substitute for exercise and eating miniscule amounts of algae on dry wheat toast. If Orlistat is a success, then overweight people will no longer need to be made to feel like subhuman scum by the likes of me in order to lose weight. And how is a joyless, pinchmouthed harpy like me meant to make money then? Not many jobs allow you to bully everyone around you and lie about your qualifications, you know.”

When Orlistat is released, pharmacists will only be allowed to sell it to customers with a body mass index of over 28. “That’s roughly the equivalent of a shed made of Plutonium” said one pharmacist. There are fears that the criminally obese may cash in on this proviso by posing as customers for those not reaching the magic 28 BMI figure. “It’s a potential wheezing, sweaty, chapped-skinned black market waiting to happen” said the same pharmacist as before.

Sandy Ebbsfleet, a 32-stone lorry drive from Knutsford, is looking forward to Orlistat’s launch, however. “Hopefully this will be the end of a very long fight with my weight” said Ebbsfleet. “I’ve tried every fad diet going but finally I’ll be able to pop a pill rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and stop stuffing quite so much lard down my gullet. Another bonus is that slimming clubs might become a thing of the past and that dreadfully unfunny sketch they do on ‘Little Britain’ will become socially obsolete.”

City Move To Sign Obama As Manager

2009-01-21T10:33:00.002Z

Hughes To Be Replaced By Leader Of The Free World

Following yesterday’s inauguration ceremony, Barack Obama’s first responsibility will be to consider a £500M bid from increasingly-ludicrous football team Manchester City to replace Mark Hughes as manager. City representatives look set to fly out to Washington today to woo the US president into taking over the day-to-day running of the Eastlands outfit.

“We think this offer is too good for Obama to refuse” stated City Executive Chairman Gary Cook. “We’ve got half a billion large waiting for him in a Swiss bank account if he signs the contract. We’ve worked out a compensation package for the American nation to hold another election, but in Vice President Joe Biden they’ve got a ready-made replacement to take over the country. I also understand that Joe Royle has expressed an interest.”

Cook was apparently convinced of Obama’s suitability to the role after watching coverage of Obama’s inauguration on Sky News. “When I saw that two million people had turned up to watch the ceremony, I thought “We could do with crowds like that at our place”. Imagine it – two million people crammed in to watch us play FC Copenhagen in February. That would make Ferguson’s nose explode, wouldn’t it?”

City’s move for Obama has been supported by impotent World Cup-winning rentaquote Pele, who famously once stated “In my lifetime, I predict an African-American will win the League Cup”. The Abu Dhabi Group, City’s wealthy backers, have also endorsed the bid, stating “We could buy your whole country and fire it at Jupiter if we so chose, so do not question our decisions.”

Pundits are divided over whether the bid will be successful, with Alan Hansen particularly sceptical. “It’s an absolutely shocking decision” said the dour Captain Scarlet doppelganger. “Right now they need a gaffer that can get the team working as a unit, shore up the defence and push them up the league. Rather than an ambitious ex-congressman who has consistently campaigned on a platform of social change and cautiously progressive liberalism.”

Trevor Brooking stated “Well, ermm, errr, the lad’s not got much experience of top-flight football management, has he? But it would certainly be a big name signing and he might improve City’s performance when it comes to converting crosses. Like when I scored with that header in the 1980 cup final. I didn’t score many with me head, as you know…”

One Obama insider has expressed doubts that the president will move to Manchester, however. “Barack has accepted the challenge to overhaul US finance, build bridges with the international community and heal deep social divisions in America. But I think getting a decent performance out of the likes of Elano might be one challenge too far.”

US Awaits Business As Usual

2009-01-20T10:13:00.002Z

Countdown To Inauguration Of Another Politician

America awoke this morning to the prospect of seeing a politician getting the top job in American politics because more people thought he’d be good at it than anyone else. A chilly Washington DC will see Barack Obama become the 44th man start work at a job he applied for nearly two years ago.

“This is an historic day for America” commented one political commentator, politically. “We have only ever seen a powerful, influential man spend huge amounts of money in order to become even more powerful and influential forty three times before. I think everyone in the country will remember where they were when they watched somebody they’ve never met get a job promotion.”

Barack Obama has come a long way from his humble beginnings studying law at the frighteningly expensive and exclusive Harvard Law School. After years of courting the favour of his staggeringly wealthy friends and colleagues, he has risen to the very top of American society. An amazing feat for somebody who had to start from somewhere near the upper third of American society.

Liberals in America eagerly await the inauguration of Obama, with many feeling that a religiously conservative president that opposes gay marriage will mark a huge shift away from presidency of George Bush, who was a man who opposed gay marriage and was religiously conservative.

The new president’s acceptance speech is much anticipated as several presidential terms have been marred by poor oratory. Martin Van Buren, America’s thirteenth president, famously angered the electorate by simply saying “Cheers for this. I’d better get cracking, really. Too fucking cold to be gabbing out here.”

Obama will be hoping for something more in line with JFK, whose “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country…” speech is regarded as a landmark in liberal reform. An early Obama speech draft, which saw him trying to echo Kennedy by saying “Don’t expect us to help you out. You’re on your fucking own.” was rejected for being “A bit of a downer and way too honest.”

The Inaugaration Day timetable will be as follows:

7AM: Removal vans will take the last of former president Bush’s shotguns and Tonka toys from the White House

9AM: The Mall will fill with tens of thousands of visitors keen to wave a flag at some stranger half a mile away.

12 Noon: Barack Obama will face the near-hypothermic crowd, take the oath of office and make his first set of vague, unattainably empty promises as president.

1PM- 11PM: President Obama will attend a series of dinners, functions and dances with well-wishers, party members and shady plutocrats.

Midnight: President Obama will be briefed on the state of the nation’s finances, and standing in the various middle east wars America is involved in. He is expected to continue weeping until late on Wednesday evening.

Tesco To Launch “No Frills” Cigarettes

2009-01-19T11:38:00.002Z

“All The Sputum, Half The Cost” Promise Retailer

Relentless retailing juggernaut Tesco have caused a storm of controversy with today’s launch of their ‘No Frills’ range of cigarettes. Fiscally-challenged smokers will now be able to buy packets of twenty cigarettes for just two pounds. This is considerably less than the next-nearest priced brand, predictably named ‘Plutocrat’ in line with the inverse rule that the grottier a brand of cigarettes are, the more plush they sound.

“Tesco have always been at the forefront when it comes to offering consumers quality products at bargain prices, and we feel that the expectorating masses should not be any different. Our No-Frills fags will leave shoppers with more money in their pocket as they wheeze their way to the bookies” said Tesco person Damian Ebbsfleet.

The packet will primarily be in the standard blue and white livery of Tesco’s No Frills range. However, in order to comply with government regulations while keeping down costs, the medical council warnings will be written by an unemployed GP recently barred from practising medicine. The warnings will include messages such as “Tabs is bad for you, dickhead” and “Wait until your missus has that sprog before letting her smoke these.”

In another cost cutting exercise, the photographic warnings now mandatory on cigarette packets will be replaced by children’s drawings of tracheotomies and diseased lungs and will be scrawled in crayon. In conjunction with their “Vouchers For Schools” scheme, Tesco will launch an art competition for their No Frills cigarettes. Whichever child produces the best drawing of a deformed foetus will see their artwork used on packets, as well as winning a computer and some pens for their school.

Anti-smoking group ASH have condemned Tesco, with one spokesperson stating “This completely undermines all the work we’ve been doing at ASH. For years we’ve been telling smokers how much money they could save for a holiday if they quit, as if they weren’t already painfully aware of that fact. Now Tesco come along with a pack of fags so ludicrously cheap I’m seriously considering starting up again myself. God, I’ve missed smoking, you know. Go on, can I just have one drag on yours?”

Consumer reaction to the No Frills cigarettes has been positive, however. Dane Knutsford, a lifelong smoker who queued outside Tesco for twelve hours to be the first in line for the new brand stated “These fags are superb for the budget smoker like me. Granted, they do taste like a crematorium roof but they’ll really help me stretch my nash that little bit further. The money I’m saving should keep my floating in White Lightning until dole day rocks around again.”

Israel Runs Out Of Things To Bomb

2009-01-16T10:18:00.002Z

Ceasefire Imminent As Army Picks Off Final Targets

Israel’s war with Hamas looks set to end today as it was confirmed that Israel had “Maybe two dozen targets left, give or take an orphanage or two.” Israeli military spokesman Ehud Ebbsfleet stated “Armed hostilities will taper off by the end of today as we finish off the last few missile-worthy targets. There’s a greengrocers near the Tel al Hawa area we’ve had our eye on and I know a lot of the lads have really been looking forward to flattening a massive big shed in downtown Gaza that’s somehow still upright. Once those sites have been reduced to a smoking heap of twisted rubble we’ll probably call it a day.”

The UN were in talks with Israel, looking for alternative solutions to end the war. One proposal was for the UN to build fake settlements out in the desert, complete with lifelike dummies of screaming women and children. There would then be an agreement to allow Israeli forces to unleash metallic fiery hell at the model encampment to their heart’s content. “They do love a good shelling, those Israeli fellers” said one UN delegate. “We thought if we gave them something else to blow up, they might lay off Palestine for a bit. Between you and I, it does really beg the question what exactly their problem is, doesn’t it?”

However, as indications became clear that nothing in Gaza taller than a middle-aged man has been left standing, the UN proposal now seems redundant. Many predict that tomorrow will see Israel deploy their unmanned, laser-guided flying spirit levels to assess the Gaza area for signs of unevenness. Assuming everyone in the area lays down as they pass, the shelling could cease for the time being.

But many international commentators question whether this will lead to long-term peace in the region. Clancy Fox, Professor of Middle Eastern Interminable Strife Studies for Knutsford University, stated “The political situation in this area is a long, entrenched and bloody story. Internecine struggles, religious differences and socio-political differences are so complex that, when it comes to this bit of the degree course, I tell the students to try and work it out for themselves. Because quite frankly, I haven’t got a fucking Scooby what they’re fighting about, who the good guys are or when it will end. Be honest, do you?”

News & Horoscopes

2009-01-15T12:14:00.002Z

Internet Blamed For Grattan Redundancies

Home-shopping firm Grattan has shed over 1,000 jobs today amid claims that their catalogue cannot compete with the vast cornucopia of online grot for the attentions of onanistic teenagers. “Thirty years ago, a slightly antiseptic-looking photo of a model wearing a sturdy bra and belly-warming knickers would be enough to send your average teenage thrashing about the room in a blur of self-abuse. Nowadays, by the age of fourteen, most teenagers have access to the kind of depravity that would turn Aleister Crowley into a Mormon.”

The firm are hoping to turn their fortunes around by hiring German porn publishers ‘Das Fuck’ to co-ordinate their summer catalogue. “They have some really interesting ideas on how to make our catalogue more appealing to the jaded sexual appetites of today’s teenager.” said Grattan person David Ebbsfleet. “The underwear is now modelled by being stuffed into the mouths of trussed-up porn actors, for instance. And our jewellery is enticingly being sported through the skin of their genitalia. Our legal team have taken a good, long look at the children’s clothing section but I think we’ll be fine.”

THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPES:

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The winds of change you feel blowing through the workplace is caused by the door they're about to kick you out of. Start stealing stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It's been a tumultuous year for you, relationship-wise. This period is about to come to an end as a 50-year period of celibacy begins.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A tall, dark, handsome man is about to enter your life and start repossessing all your furniture.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tensions at home see you choosing to sleep on a park bench to avoid the crushing pointlessness of it all. A good time to start hoarding newspapers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pluto, the most useless of all the planets, enters your celestial house this week and starts trying to borrow a tenner until pay day.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Fun-loving Geminis can expect to make a whole new circle of friends as they sit in the waiting room of their local STD clinic.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your no-nonsense, speak-as-you-find attitude is often correctly interpreted by friends as sheer fucking rudeness. Just what is your problem?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Chance encounters are the order of the week for Leo. With that man who's been hovering outside your house for the last few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The stars come into a rare alignment, with opportunities galore on the horizon. It's a shame that ham-fisted morons like Virgos will utterly fail to notice them.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Beautiful, kind, successful and charming, it's little wonder that everyone will be totally sick of the sight of you this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That heap of junk mail on your doorstep will finally reach the letterbox, alerting the authorities to your un-mourned death eight months ago.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After a difficult time, things are finally back on track for you. It's probably best not to wonder what that new lump is, really.

Unscientific Bollocks “Unscientific Bollocks” Say Experts

2009-01-14T11:34:00.002Z

Herbal Menopause Treatment Defended By Deluded Con Artists

The Drugs And Therapeutics Bulletin (DTB) have today announced that herbal treatments for the symptoms of menopause are “About as effective as burying a chicken kiev in your back garden during a full moon.” Studies into the usefulness of treatments such as Red Clover, Dong Quai and Old Wichitty’s Wholesome Tincture have shown that women suffering from the menopause “Might as well use the money spent on herbal remedies buying a bottle of Chardonnay and a dildo”.

A survey of 1,000 menopausal women conducted by a team of frankly terrified researchers showed that 40% of subjects had tried complementary not-really-medicines without informing their GP. A spokesman for the GMC stated “Personally, I’d much rather we installed an HRT-patch vending machine in the waiting room and have done with it. But it really does help us do our job properly if patients can refrain from medicating themselves with the contents of some fraudulent quack’s pot pourri bowl.”

Jenny Jones of The Herb Society has defended the efficacy of overpriced twigs, claiming “A lack of evidence does not necessarily mean a lack of effect. For instance, there is virtually no evidence that the foul-tasting tinctures I knock up in my Poggen Pohl kitchen will stop menopausal women from feeling like a cocaine addict going through grief counselling. But the effect of selling these preparations at £30 a pop – the loveliness of my aforementioned Poggen Pohl kitchen – cannot be denied.”

The DTB were quick to refute Jones’ claim that lack of evidence was reason enough to stop trying to swindle distressed middle-aged women. One DTB person explained “There is no evidence, for example, to suggest that me going round to Jones’ house and beating her around the neck with a medical text book will force her to stop making illogical and dangerous statements. So as much as I’d really love to, I won’t.”

Jones has insisted that “These remedies do work for some women” but the DTB insisted that “If I gave enough cancer patients a rubdown with a copy of “Blakes 7” on DVD, a few of them might get better. It doesn’t alter the fact that using it as a treatment is complete cock.”

When asked whether the DTB intended to highlight the utter guff that passes for herbal medicine to Britain’s menopausal women, they replied “Do we want to tell a bunch of mean-tempered women with very little to lose that they’ve been taken for chumps? Do you have any other stupid fucking questions while you’re at it? Jesus.”

Teachers Offered ‘Golden Stab Vests’

2009-01-13T09:12:00.001Z

£10K In BUPA Vouchers For Hard Case Teachers

Teachers who agree to be systematically ignored by the progeny of the underclass in Britain’s worst schools are to be offered £10,000 a year extra in a carefully-worded bribe to be outlined by Gordon Brown today. The deal, to be officially termed as a “Pre-emptive injury settlement” hopes to entice teaching professionals to abandon what little hope they had for enriching young minds in exchange for a fat wad of cash.

“This deal is in recognition of all the difficult work education-givers do in our most troubled schools” said junior Education Minister Chips Ebbsfleet. “If teachers want tearful scenes of appreciation that they’ve proven massively influential in a teenager’s education, then I suggest they buy a copy of ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ and shut the fuck up.”

The payment is to be offered to teachers working in worst-performing schools in the country. NUT person Hoop Knutsford stated “I will be recommending this scheme to all NUT members on the basis that teaching fuck-all to a bunch of subhuman scrotes in exchange for an extra ten large is a no-brainer, even for somebody with such a lack of employment opportunities that they end up being a teacher. We still get all those holidays and the chance to look up the skirts of the sixth-formers, right?”

Applications for teaching posts in schools serving sink estates have trebled following the news. One education recruitment consultant stated “We’re getting hundreds of CVs from aggressive borderline psychopaths with poor pass marks in their PGCE. Many of them realise that ten grand buys a lot of the illegal tasers and brass knucks necessary for the role. And coping with the stress isn’t going to be an issue as they’ll be confiscating enough narcotics from the pupils to bring Keith Moon back to life.”

If the scheme proves a success, the government will be looking at other financial inducements for teachers. These are expected to be on the provisos they avoid getting any pupils pregnant and promise to stop bastard well moaning about doing a five hour day for forty weeks of the year.

In the meantime, many educators have welcomed the move with one unnamed PE teacher saying “Let’s see if I’ve got this right. I spent three years dicking about at some lowbrow ex-polytechnic followed by another couple of years scraping a PGCE, all the while getting bursaries and the like, yes?

“And now they want to give me an extra ten grand for chucking a football at a bunch of mini gangsters and telling them to get on with it for a couple of hours? I tell you what, it’s money for fucking jam, this teaching lark.”

Russell Hobbs Create Porn-Generating Kettle

2009-01-12T09:38:00.004Z

THIS ARTICLE CAN NOW BE FOUND AT THE DAILY MASH SITE HERE:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-%26-technology/scientists-unveil-energy-efficient-porno%11kettle--200901121506/

NHS Failing Carry On-Mandated Targets

2009-01-09T11:46:00.003Z

‘Shocking Lack Of Double Entendres’ Says Report

A study into standards of NHS wards has shown that, for the 36th year running, they have failed to reach the levels of slapstick naughtiness set by Carry On Matron in 1972.

Over 300 wards and 5,00 patients were examined and the compiler of the government paper, Professor Ivor Tumescent-Penis, stated “It is shocking to think that, as a country, we cannot offer the saucy, ramshackle health service that Carry On Matron promised us over 35 years ago. Just eight of the 300 wards were consistently staffed by buxom nurses wearing seamed stockings, less than 5% of employees could locate their swannee whistle for dropped trouser-related incidents and not one patient interviewed said they’d seen Jim Dale fly down a set of stairs riding a hospital trolley.”

The survey was published on the same day the Conservatives attacked Labour for failing to live up to their manifesto promise to abolish mixed-sex wards. Professor Tumescent-Penis feels, however, that these wards might go some way to attaining the ideal of seaside-postcard healthcare.

“A mixed-sex hospital ward offers far more opportunities for male patients to ogle female patients’ frilly night attire, preferably whilst saying “Corblimey” and slapping the back of their neck.” said the professor “Although single-sex wards would accommodate enormous balding men the opportunity to dress as unconvincing female patients. It’s a question of balance.”

The professor also feels that the shortfall is a training issue. “Current NHS training does not equip junior doctors with the skills required to trip over some bandages and inject the buttocks of a prone patient with an enormous hypodermic. Our inspectors were also saddened to find that no nurse monitored had swaddled somebody from head to foot in bandages.”
An NHS spokesperson, responding to the survey, stated “We offer all our patients the highest level of care possible under very difficult circumstances. While we acknowledge that not every ward can provide jaunty music or a hypochondriac male patient who thinks he’s pregnant, we will try our best to ensure that every hospital wing will be renamed something suggestive and naughty by 2011.”

Windows 7 To Be “More Infuriating Than Ever”

2009-01-08T11:05:00.002Z

Microsoft Promises 85% Increase In Blood Pressure

During his speech at the CES, Microsoft boss Steve Ballmer announced that members of the public will be able to scream at Beta versions of Windows 7 from January 9th when it will be available to download from a fiddly and often-unavailable site.

Ballmer stated “In today’s difficult economic climate, we feel that what the computing public really needs is a hideously expensive operating system riddled with bugs that can only be properly used on the sort of computers that are usually busy challenging the Grand Masters of chess.”

Key features of Windows 7 looks set to include:

An updated media player that doesn’t play any file known in this or alternate universes, takes half an hour to start and makes any film the user is lucky enough to get to work look like it’s being viewed through a thick pair of women’s tights.

A new version of the infamous Word Paperclip. In Windows 7, an animated Rottweiler will constantly take a steaming shit on, or try to chew up, any document you’re trying to work on. Ballmer has promised that complex algorithms have ensured this feature cannot be switched off. Sound recognition programs in Windows 7 will guarantee that weeping entreaties from the user will start the Rottweiller chuckling like Muttley from Wacky Races.

Anti-piracy measures will mean that any illegally-copied versions of Windows 7 will cause a pistol to appear from the user’s keyboard and unload eight rounds of copper-jacketed death into their faces. Windows 7 will then set fire to the user’s house and leave their decapitated head on a pike outside the burnt shell of the building as a warning to others.

A whole new range of fascinating and utterly incomprehensible error messages await the users of Windows 7. These will include “Error 90210 – parameters smell like mice”, “Fatal Incident 42: Get out of the house, this thing’s going to blow.” and “You press the Ctrl key. A silver dragon appears and burns you alive. Please turn back to page 72.”

Ballmer also promised that all drivers installed into Windows 7 will have the half-life of Polonium 214, the operating system will have all the compatibility of a Palestinian/Jewish mixed-race marriage and will have a product activation code longer than Pi. “Oh, and all the buttons will be in completely different places on all the programs too.” he added.

Anonymous sources claim that after his speech, Ballmer stated “To be honest, 99% of people just want a computer that they can use without having to have an engineering degree. Because we promise to deliver that, we can make the damned thing as temperamental as we want. In fact we’ve added a feature that pops up a massive photo of my saggy nut sack if the user tries to uninstall Windows 7. Why? Because we can.”

News Round Up

2009-01-07T14:53:00.002Z

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

“Totally Worth It” Says Rabies Victim’s Mother
The mother of Lisa McMurray, who died from rabies after working in a South African animal sanctuary, has told reporters that “If just one scrawny Jack Russell gets a couple more months living in an unventilated cage on some disregarded veldt, then my young daughter’s terrifying death will have been absolutely worth it.”

Ms McMurray reported feeling unwell after having worked for several months amongst savage, spittle-flecked animals in South Africa but is thought to have put the symptoms down to “A wheat allergy or something”. However, when Ms McMurray started snapping at passers-by her family advised her to seek medical attention.

“She was a lovely girl” said one neighbour “And she died doing what she loved best – maintaining the unwanted existence of a bunch of pack animals on the other side of the globe despite nobody actually having asked her to do so. I think that dying in teeth-grinding agony is what she would have wanted.”

Meanwhile Catherine Ebbsfleet, a worker for AIDS Africa, shouting a statement from a makeshift hospital ward outside Johannesburg over the wails of her HIV-ravaged victims, said “Yeah, thanks a bunch for that Lisa. No, don’t worry, I’ll handle this lot by myself.”

Londoners Saved From Dreadfulness
Thousands of Londoners have been spared from experiencing the absolute awfulness of the Midlands after London Midlands rail services were suspended following problems with power lines. Messages of thanks have poured in to the rail company, with one tear-stained letter stating “I was due to go to a conference on sewage treatment in Wolverhampton today. But thanks to your sterling efforts, rather than being surrounded by millions of tons of damp concrete and chatting to people who sound like stroke victims I’m tucked up on the couch watching the West Wing box set I got for Christmas. Win.”

The good news is not set to last, however, with rails services set to resume later this afternoon. A London Midlands person announced “While we understand commuter’s unwillingness to travel to the British equivalent of Mordor, we cannot delay services any longer. Our main duty is to make money quicker than a hooker with twelve cunts so the trains must start running again.”

Usurious Shitefists Forced to Downscale
UK loan firm Cattles, who specialise in offering flat screen TV vouchers to housing estate proles, has had to reduce its workforce by 20% due to the credit crunch. The company, famous for its slogan “Don’t You Worry What ‘65% APR’ Means” announced the job cuts during a press conference held in its head office located under a railway arch in Hull.

Barry Knutsford, chief enforcer for the firm, stated “Given the current economic climate, we cannot continue to employ the same number of ex-boxers to go around intimidating single parent families. We’re confident many of them will find work throwing drunkards down sets of stairs in low-rent nightclubs or holding up petrol stations”.

If Cattles’ fortunes continue to worsen, the board is expected to apply for a government bail-out package. “They helped those other mobs, Northern Rock and them, didn’t they?” asked Knutsford. “So we’ll have a little word with the chancellor and remind him we know where his daughter lives if you know what I mean.”

Giant Ice Crab Blamed For UK Freeze

2009-01-06T11:20:00.002Z

“Millions May Have To Rub Their Hands Together” Experts Warn

The whole nation was stunned this morning as it awoke to find that it was a bit chilly outside. Emergency services were flooded with calls from people asking why their feet were really cold, transport was thrown into disarray as large sections of a slippery substance known as ‘ice’ appeared on roads & railway lines and NHS advisors have issued a warning to the public that they might want to put on a jumper or something.

Weather person Edward Ebbsfleet stated “Temperatures that dip below zero have taken us completely by surprise. The UK is usually a balmy, tropical island and we’re more used to giving advice on how to cope with heatstroke. We’re at a loss as to how this has happened.” The scientific community has put forward several competing theories to explain why Britain’s millions of commuters can no longer travel to work wearing flip flops in comfort.

Some have posited the notion that the Earth’s rotation around the sun is an ellipse, causing it to be further away from its warming rays for several months and has caused the phenomenon, dubbed ‘winter’, in the UK for millions of years. But the more widely-held belief is that the country is currently in the grip of a colossal intergalactic ice crab named “Humungo” who was angered after the UK failed to vote Eoghan Quigg the winner of last year’s “X Factor”.

“Humungo is not a fan of Alexendra Burke and feels that Quigg would have broader appeal amongst pre-teen pop fans” says Ebbsfleet. “He is a mighty crustacean, with a short temper, and his claws of snowy doom encircle our nation. It’s surely no coincidence that the onset of these lower temperatures occurred after the X Factor final. If the public can ensure Quigg’s debut single gets to number one, we can only hope that Humungo will be appeased and take his wrath elsewhere.”

Until this happens, Ebbsfleet has offered several tips to stay warm. “Closing all exterior doors and windows seem to be effective and if you have radiators in your house, making them go all warm might help. We’ve had unconfirmed reports that a nice hot cup of tea can also reverse the effects.”

But while Humungo’s pincers of freeze continue to hold the country in their chilly embrace, it is feared that many more will succumb to the crisis already being dubbed as “Like Autumn only a lot more parky.”

Travolta Son Dies Of “Imbalanced Dynamics”

2009-01-05T12:17:00.001Z

Jet’s Operating Thetan Level Was ‘Fish’ At Time Of Death

John Travolta has revealed that his 16-year-old son Jet died while on holiday due to the fact “He had failed to attend the $5,000 Scientology course that deals with not drowning in the bath”. The Battlefield Earth chindimple stated that “Our trusted Scientology pathologist - the former actress Kirstie Alley – has shown that my beloved son was taken from us after his dynamic relating to ‘Life’ was, like, totally out of whack.”

Jet’s body was discovered by Travolta in the early hours of Saturday morning. It is believed that the sort-of-actor had been attending a function dedicated to building a three-hundred foot monument to L Ron Hubbard constructed entirely out of fifty-dollar bills.

Scientology spokesperson Teck Ebbsfleet explained “The human person is made up of eight dynamics relating to different areas of existence – ‘Spirituality’, ‘Self’, ‘Gullibility’ and so on. Each of them has a direct impact on our day to day life. That will be eight hundred dollars, please”.

“According to our audit records Mr Travolta’s son was behind schedule for the training course relating to ‘Life’. In this course, via a series of Direct Debit-based lessons, we show the subject how a trillion-year-old spirit, formerly suffering under the extraterrestrial dictatorship of Helatrobus, can hold back an individual and stop him from sucking up bathwater like a hungry aardvark. What? No, really, I’m deadly serious. Fifteen hundred dollars, please.”

Travolta, who shot to fame for not being shit in three of his many films, is to fly Jet’s body to the International Church Of Scientology for a private funeral later this week. He is expected to donate several million dollars to the legally-protected religion in order to ensure that Jet’s Thetan level on reincarnation is sufficient to grant him steady work in regional theatre.

Messages of condolence have been sent from many of Hollywood’s famous blank-eyed lunatics. Tom Cruise said “Our thoughts go out to John at this time, although we know he won’t feel depressed about it because psychology is just bullshit. I know these things, for I am Tom Cruise. Hear me now, o globe. Hear the words of Tom Cruise.” Katie Holmes added a more cryptic message of sorrow, saying “I please am help very me saddened Tom to is hear keeping about me Jet. Prisoner He the was fucking a gibbering great moron kid.

As a mark of respect, Scientology representatives across the globe will drape black cloth over their ‘E Meters’ while buttonholing confused and lonely passers-by outside their joyless centres.

The Least Shit Of Push Jelly, 2008

2008-12-23T14:57:00.002Z

Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers
Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”
One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”

Paris Bombs “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police
French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”

100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently
“It’s an amazing day in the history of mass slaughter” said treaty author Jens Ebbsfleet. “In the future, armies will have the button marked ‘Cluster Bomb’ in the cockpit of their terrifying war machines covered up with gaffer tape. They will have to use the button slightly to the right marked ‘Hot Shrapnel Death’ instead.”

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest
Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith
Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.

BNP Members Can “Go & Shite” Say Amnesty
After the personal details of 10,000 BNP members were posted on the internet, human rights activists have been quick to assert that the collection of neo-nazis, crackpots and morons can “Throw their cocks at a flying sex doll if they think they’re getting any help from us.”

“High School Musical. Screen 4. Now Piss Off”
The cinema chain piloted the scheme last year which was an overwhelming success. “People were queuing up for the child-free screenings. Most of them didn’t even want to see the film that was being shown.” As one customer involved in the pilot stated “If it means I can sit in peace for a couple of hours without having dozens of little fuckers chase each other across my line of vision, I’ll even sit through something with Meg Ryan in it.”

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans
“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown
Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show
“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people whose lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.

Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’
However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive
Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death
A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling
Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

"How Do You Want Threatening?" Asks BBC
The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting "Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover" in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”

Millions To Be Arrested For Brown Assassination Plans
“I bought my house five years ago for a sum of money that would make Bill Gates choke on his fucking cornflakes, and it hasn’t even got an upstairs bathroom. I tried to sell it last month and some Kouros-stinking little cunt of an estate agent comes round and tells me he’ll take it off my hands for £30 for scrap value. If that Caledonian cockpump Brown comes into my boozer I’ll beat him to death with Harriet Harman, I tell you.”

Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe
This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

British Gas Sends Turd To Every Customer
“You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY FUCKING SHIT, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE CUNT I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

Alternative Medicine Is “Utter Bilge” Court Rules
“Coming to court today, I used the internal combustion engine, an MP3 player and a mobile phone.” said Justice Ebbsfleet. “At no point did I feel the need to mount a rickshaw with a lute player and fire off a carrier pigeon with a note wrapped around its leg. The middle ages, which most of these ‘cures’ seem to originate from, was a time of pig-ignorance, poor hygiene and death by the age of thirty. Anybody who thinks a bottle of echinacea and an account with their local organic greengrocers is going to stop them getting sick is, frankly, a moron.”

Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney
Pope Benedict XVI kicked of World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

Ronaldo To Remake TV Show ‘Roots’
After watching the DVD of ‘Roots’ on his 52-foot widescreen television, Ronaldo started to see parallels to his own life. In ‘Roots’, Kunta Kinte is dragged as a teenager from his homeland and forced to work under a cruel master. “That was just like me” said Ronaldo. “Although admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Sporting to Manchester United wasn’t packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe.”

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops
“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians
Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

House Prices Now “Merely Staggeringly Ridiculous”
When asked what he meant by ‘market forces’, Ebbsfleet replied “Market forces are, and I can’t stress this clearly enough, the subtle trends, factors and influences that compel banks to make you leap through shit-smeared hoops, while they cackle and light cigars with £50 notes of your money. All because you’ve grown tired of handing over all your wages to a greasy twat in a suit for the privilege of living in a grotty hovel that you’ll never own.”

John Leslie To Stand As Labour MP
An inside source stated “They’ve already lined up John Leslie, as they feel he can be very persuasive in compelling people to do painful things they really don’t want to do, like voting Labour. They want a man that can handle pressurised situations, such as being accused of a series of disgusting, aggressive sexual assaults. And importantly, he does look good in a suit.”

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace
Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Hyde Park Bukkake Protest “A Success” Say Organisers
A Face Full Of Love is hoping to mount further protest rallies across the globe, with rumours of celebrity endorsements from Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kate Moss amongst others. “We had Jade Goody calling to offer her services” said Ebbsfleet “But we had to say no. I’d do anything to save this planet, but there are limits. She looks like a fist full of jelly, for fuck’s sake.”

Halle Berry Child Name Outrage
But one celebrity did come to Berry’s defence. Bob Geldof, father of Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie Frou Frou & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, said “Feck off and leave the poor wee girl alone. There’s nothing fecking wrong wth a name like Dave. Sure, I’d have called the kids Mary, Theresa and Josephine if it wasn’t for the dead missus. What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing. I think she thought she was naming types of Laura Ashley fabric, meself.”

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”
In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”
The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

T4 Presenter Fired For Sincerity
Ebbsfleet soon came into conflict with the show’s producer’s for “Not introducing yet another repeat of ‘Friends’ like he was doing the nation an enormous favour.” His diction also came under fire, as “He would not affect a drawling, bone-idle accent that his colleagues had perfected after years of hoovering gak in some godawful nightspot while a random Geldof played her frigging ipod over the main speakers.”

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot
Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’
Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Music Poll Reveals General Public ‘Are Fucking Idiots’
After ‘Definitely Maybe’ came top in Q magazine’s Greatest British Album poll, music expert Larry Ebbsfleet has said “This proves, incontrovertibly, that Great Britain is awash with lumpen, cloth-eared morons who couldn’t spot a tune with three hands and a floodlight.”

Ombudsman Opens Competition For Buying Shite
Tesco have hit back at the news by launching a new customer-loyalty scheme. “In addition to our Tesco Points system, any customer spending more than £30 can get pissed as a raccoon in our booze aisle for free.” said Tesco marketing manager Jay Arthur. “Simply present your till receipt to a member of staff at the drinks aisle and you can get yourself cunted on as much Boddingtons as you like. Seriously, go mad. It’s on us.”

Tube Drivers Demand “A Diamond The Size Of A Rugby Ball”
Negotiations with London Underground drivers broke down last night after RMT representatives demanded “A tropical island near Mauritius, a diamond the size of a human head and diverse other trinkets, sweetmeats and fancies.”

Protesting Commuters Eye New Target
The Customer Affairs spokesman for First Great Western was more pragmatic about today’s protest, however.
“They can get on the fucking trains, pay their fucking fares and keep their fucking mouths shut as far as we’re concerned. If we want to halve the number of carriages, double the fares or force commuters to chew copper wire for the length of their journey then we’ll do it and they’ll fucking well take it.
If they want us to improve our service I suggest they go and try to shit out a diamond. Let’s see what happens first. I’d say they can like it or lump it but in truth they can fucking well loathe it or lump it. We’re here, we’ll do what the fuck we want and there’s tits-all they can do about it, the whining fucking pigs.”

HSBC Ordered To “Go Fuck Themselves”
In his summary, Judge Emsley Fox stated “While Mr Ebbsfleet’s suggestion of hand-shitting may have been unreasonable, it is our finding that HSBC’s actions over the past five years have been unprofessional, intimidatory and in many cases bloody childish. We rule that all charges against Mr Ebbsfleet’s account should be reimbursed forthwith. Furthermore, I order that HSBC go and take a running fuck at themselves, with immediate effect. If they fail to do so, I shall have no hesitation in further ordering that they shove their call centres up their arses.”
Judge Fox also recommended that Natwest should “Fuck right off as well.”

Ofcom Inundated By 'Whole Evening Of Shite' Complaints
"It's like an avalanche of hungry babies hitting a silage plant" he said. "We've turned the phones off but that's not stopped people throwing notes through the windows wrapped around frozen lumps of shit. As I speak, somebody has trained a kestrel to hover outside our office with the word 'wankers' painted on its wings."

Scientist Warns Public To Quit Eating
Dr Charles Ebbsfleet of the DoH stated "Over the years, we've found out that absolutely everything is bad for you – eggs, meat, dairy products, wheat – the lot. You don't even want to fucking know what we found out about carrots the other day. Seriously."

Brook Wins 'Most Wanked Over' Award
At a glitzy, glamorous, star-studded, glitzy, showbiz-studded awards ceremony last night, Kelly Brook was confirmed as Britain 's most wanked-over British female celebrity of 2007.

News Round Up

2008-12-22T12:47:00.004Z

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Northern Britain “Mostly Appalling” By Early 2009
As the global economic meltdown continues to globally melt downwards, economically, experts have warned that by the middle of next year all of northern England will be “Absolutely wretched”. Ferris Ebbsfleet, Professor of Economics for Knutsford University warned “The last vestiges of Britain’s manufacturing base will be eroded as the downturn continues, and that will inevitably hit the northern England the hardest. With their aversion to daylight, small, malnourished hands and an average wage that wouldn’t buy half a skinny latte in Buckinghamshire, northerners have always been the ideal fodder for your factory.”

But with companies going out of business quicker than recently-deceased prostitute, the existing financial foundation for many northern towns will disappear, leaving them “Utterly appalling” according to Ebbsfleet. “Most of them will be like one of those dreadful Ken Loach films – all sleet and rickets. Apart from some holiday homes in the Lake District, you’ll be able to walk from Stafford to Berwick without encountering a single glottal stop.” Ebbsfleet predicts that the government will have to relocate Hadrian’s Wall 400 miles south to stop marauding gangs of rugby league-supporting yobs invading Home County towns for supplies of bread and dripping.

Christian Groups Condemn “Assisted Suicide Bombing” Group
Fundamentalist Christian group CACK (Christians Against Christian-Killing) have criticised a website that helps victims of terminal diseases choose the moment of their own death in a hail of explosives and shrapnel. “The Bible is clear on the point that killing oneself is a sin” said a CACK spokesperson. “If you happened to spontaneously explode at a military checkpoint, that’s a different matter. But strapping twenty pounds of C4 and wandering around a marketplace in Jerusalem until it rips you apart like an ADD kid’s present on Christmas Day is an offence to god.”

The creator of the assisted suicide bombing website has defended his work, however, stating “We believe it is everybody’s fundamentalist – sorry, fundamental – right to die with quiet dignity surrounded by hundreds of unwitting tourists. Many of the people visiting our site have suffered years of pain living with a progressive, debilitating illness. To me, denying them the right to tear through the lobby of an embassy like a meat grenade is barbaric.”

Queen’s Speech “A Tirade Of Abuse” Says Palace Insider
The Queen’s 2008 Christmas speech is set to be a litany of four-letter words, sexual innuendoes and graphic descriptions of bodily processes, according to a leaked document. “The BBC is going to find itself in further trouble if it’s broadcast uncensored” said the unnamed insider “Especially the part where she says where she’d stick her mace, and what she’d use as a lubricant, if Russell Brand ever tried to prank call her.”

Audiences for the speech have fallen steadily for years since 1996, which saw a record number of viewers watch the Queen suppress giggles as she talked about the death of Diana. “I think she feels that as nobody’s listening any more, she can basically say whatever she wants” continued the insider.

The Queen allegedly uses this opportunity to call David Cameron “Six foot of jumped-up fuck all”, describes the England cricket team as looking like “Ten spastics trying to shoo away a wasp” and dismisses Gordon Brown’s attempts to deal with the recession as “About as effective as me trying to beat out a forest fire using my clit.” The Queen, who apparently swigs from a Glenfiddich bottle throughout the speech, reportedly ends her address by talking to her son Charles directly.

“I would like to take this opportunity to point out what a disappointment you’ve been, Charles” slurs the monarch. “We go to all the trouble of bumping off your last baggage only for you to marry something that looks like a boiled bagpuss. So if you think I’m abdicating you can throw a cock-shaped dart at the moon and hope it hits a bullseye for all the good it will do you. Right, that’s my ten minutes, I’m fucking off. You can stick Eastenders on now, if you want.”

Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers

2008-12-19T09:50:00.002Z

Festive Rundown “Like A Bleak Groundhog Day” Says Dr Fox

The race to be the Christmas Number One single promises to be an especially confusing one this year after it was revealed by chart experts that all of the top 40 spots will be filled by versions of Leonard Cohen’s maudlin sobfest ‘Hallelujah’.

Shouty tearmonger Alexandra Burke is expected to top the charts with her sandblasting of the song, although health and safety experts have warned the public to listen to her single wearing protective earmuffs, preferably while sat two miles away inside a lead-lined shed. “We previously thought Christina Aguilera stubbing her toe during a bukkake party was the loudest voice in existence” said one H&S official “But after taking meter readings of Burke’s performance in the X Factor final, we discovered that standing next to the singer while she’s in full flow is the equivalent of sticking your head inside a Boeing jet engine while Motorhead albums are flung at the spinning blades.”

Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

Forty seven other performers have jumped onto the Hallelujah bandwagon, including perennial yuletide chart infector Cliff Richard, whose version of the song will be spliced with text from Book II of the Corinthians. “At this time of year, I think that any song that raises awareness of religion is pretty cool, yeah?” said Richard over the sound of a bag being emptied. “But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t rock n roll, okay?”. A sample lyric of Richard’s version is:

“Well, maybe there's a God above

But all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
And to pass by you into Macedonia,
And to come again out of Macedonia unto you,
And of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea.”

Other bands releasing versions of Hallelujah are to include The Jonas Brothers’ “Hallelujah (I’ve Still Not Got My Cock Wet)”, Coldplay’s version of ‘Hallelujah’ which Chris Martin claims to have written himself and Bob The Builder’s “Hallelujah – Can We Fix It?”

Archbishop Breaks Hypocrisy World Record

2008-12-18T14:20:00.000Z

Dr Williams Wins Golden Pot/Kettle Award

Dr Rowan Williams entered the Guinness Book Of Records today by eclipsing the previously-held record in rank two-faced-ness during a discussion on the credit crunch. The Archbishop was speaking on The Today Program from his residence at Lambeth Palace, which is situated amongst sumptuous grounds and is tended to by dozens of members of staff.

During his talk, Dr Williams stated that the credit crunch was a “Welcome reality check in a climate of unsustainable greed”, a lack of sustainability that he acknowledged was not shared by the Church of England, currently estimated to be worth over four billion pounds.

This, however, was merely a warm up for Dr Williams’ world hypocrisy record attempt, which arrived when he stated that the credit crunch showed that Britain had "accepted the message that it's not possible to have an endless spiral of accumulating wealth that has nothing to do with producing anything".

On hearing Williams’ statement, presenter Evan Davis was heard to fall backwards off his chair in hysterical laughter. Just before he was dragged out of the studio by a producer, Davis was heard to shout at the Archbishop “Not producing anything?! That’s fucking rich coming from a bunch of layabout psychic leeches like you gang of cu…”

Unperturbed by Davis’ outburst, Dr Williams finished with a flourish, adding "I think there are some huge moral lessons to be learnt about the nature of accumulating wealth.” At this point The Today Program had to cut to a pre-recorded segment as Dr Williams’ staggering achievement in bare-faced double standards was so massive it fused several pieces of studio equipment.

The Church Of England’s press department made a short statement regarding Dr Williams’ comments. “As a clergyman of over 30 years, Dr Williams has a great pedigree in displaying mind-boggling levels of hypocrisy” said spokesdeacon Samuel Ebbsfleet. “But with this, he’s really raised the bar. I’d like to see the Catholics top that one. Although if anyone can, I’m sure it would be that lot.”

The Bishop Of Southwark, asked about Dr Williams comments, merely replied “He’s the Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s what he does. And I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do. Nowgivvuzapoundforracanofspeshyoufugga….”

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”

2008-12-17T09:50:00.001Z

Odeon To Offer Male Strippers With Block Bookings

After news that Mamma Mia (the turgid musical about one woman’s discovery that her mother was quite the slag back in her youth) became the biggest-grossing film in British box office history, UK distributors are to stop ordering films with swearing, violence or any decent explosions.

“There’s little point in screening something with a really cool serial killer in it if most of the audience are just going to start squealing and asking their partners why they couldn’t have gone to something with Reese Witherspoon in it instead” said UK film person Rank Ebbsfleet.

“The last twelve months have seen the release of some truly excellent films about people wanting to shoot each other or blow each other up. But it seems we’d have been better employed just slinging a load of guff about relationships on the screen.”

Before Mamma Mia, the box office record was previously held by Titanic. “Now that actually showed some promise” said Ebbsfleet. “A big boat sinking would have been the perfect chance to show loads of people dying in excellent, inventive ways. But no, all we got was a sodding love story and Celine Dion. Ten quid to listen to Celine Dion, I ask you. You did get to see Winslet’s bumpers, though, so that was something.”

Following reports of Mamma Mia’s success, the Odeon chain of cinemas have ordered a revamp of its major outlets. From March of next year, discounts will be offered for parties of ten or more wearing tiaras and angel wings, the volume of films will be turned down as “it just doesn’t need to be that loud, for goodness’ sake” and the foyers will offer comfortable seating for shoeless hens to sob about their future spouses.

Film makers also look set to cash in, with Film Four starting production on “You Just Don’t Listen, Do You?”, starring Keira Knightley, Judi Dench and Colin Firth. It advertises itself as “A moving portrait of love lost through the ages, with Colin Firth appearing shirtless for no adequately justified reason in most of the scenes”. The soundtrack, by Dido, is also expected to top the charts.

One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”

Paris Bomb “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police

2008-12-16T13:32:00.002Z

Explosives “72% More Likely To Have An Affair”

(A much, much shorter version of this story can be seen at the Daily Mash here: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/)

After five sticks of explosive were found in the exclusive Printemps Haussman boutique in Paris earlier today, French bomb disposal experts have stated that the they were “Clearly superior to any kind of bomb you English could devise. So cool. So stylish. So – how you say? – erotic.”

Bomb expert Jean-Pierre Ebbsfleet, Chief Gendarme of Societie Du Explosiv Perdu stated “We receive the warning letter at 7am and my sergeant he calls me at the apartment where I entertain my many mistresses. So, after a breakfast of delicious coffee and the kind of bread you English could not create in a madman’s dream, I got into my flawlessly tailored police uniform and strolled along the Seine to the boutique, arriving at about 930.”

“The manager of Haussmann, he tells me there is a bomb in his shop. I ask, can he see it now, while he stands on the pavement? He says no. I ask how, then, can he truly know if this bomb, she still exists? After a furious philosophical debate over many Gauloises and better wine than that piss you English drink, I agree to go and look at this bomb of his.”

“I go into his shop and there in the store room are five sticks of explosive whose beauty made me weep. Such lines, such passionate intensity. Maybe for you English, some dirty rucksack filled with fertiliser is enough for a bomb, no? This bomb, she was of another world. I look at this bomb and I say “Today, I will make you truly alive”. I take out the pliers and slowly, gently, I caress the priming cap. Eventually, the wire of the device, she yields to my demands. So, the bomb it is made safe.”

A warning letter was sent to police by previously-unknown terrorist group ARF. It is believed they were demanding “More incredibly sexy wives for French politicians, a 50% increase in the production of brooding, intelligent cinema and a huge wheel of sensational-tasting cheese for every man, woman and child in France.”

French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”

Police Search For White Bath Tub On Wheels

2008-12-15T10:09:00.004Z

“Battleaxe Of Hearts” Dies In Mysterious Circumstances

Police have launched a nationwide search for a white tin bath tub on wheels as early indications suggest that it was involved in the death of actress Kathy Staff, better known as Last Of The Summer Wine’s Nora Batty by people who remember watching the show when they were kids but haven’t seen an episode in years.

Ms Staff was admitted into Holmfirth A&E department late last night after her motorised scooter crashed in the Alan Bennett Underpass just outside Holmfirth. It is believed that Staff was still conscious after the collision but did not receive vital first aid.

Several as-yet-unidentified photographers, thought to be on a walking holiday of the Pennines, allegedly stopped to take pictures of the stricken actress (One commenting “It’s that one that used to be in that thing. Crossroads, wasn’t it?”) but did not attempt to give medical assistance.

West Yorkshire Police have issued an early chronology of Ms Staff’s final hours. “Kathy Staff left the Leeds Hilton accompanied by her care worker Henry Pallett at 1030pm” said Inspector Charles Ebbsfleet.

“Although CCTV footage shows Mr Pallett behaving in a composed manner, subsequent blood tests indicate he had consumed at least three halves of John Smiths. There were also traces of Sanatogen present. We cannot confirm whether this contributed to the fatal accident.”Ebbsfleet’s report then stated that Ms Staff’s motorscooter was pursued by autograph hunters along Dunford Road at speeds exceeding 6 mph before entering the Alan Bennett tunnel. A local resident has reported seeing bright flashes from the tunnel, possibly a Snappy Snaps disposable camera.

But police are most interested to hear from the drivers of a converted tin bath, painted white, seen leaving the tunnel at the time of the accident. “The drivers of this madcap vehicle need to contact us as soon as possible” said Ebbsfleet. A description of the drivers was released and police are looking for three white males, aged approximately 83, wearing tweed.

The internet is already alive with conspiracy theories into Staff’s death, but the most popular points the finger at the highest reaches of the establishment. This theory claims that senior managers within the BBC wanted Staff dead after hearing rumours she intended to marry Arthur Knutsford, a woman’s outfitter from Huddersfield. “The BBC could not allow Nora Batty to wed a man who had access to properly-fitted hosiery. Thirty years of tradition would crumble if she were seen with unwrinkled stockings. So they killed our Kathy.”

The Holmfirth Tea Room has opened a book of condolence and upwards of six floral tributes have already been laid outside.

News Round Up

2008-12-12T13:36:00.002Z

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Degenerate ‘Not Killed By Other Degenerates’
Metropolitan Police have confirmed that convicted paedophile Andrew Cunningham has been brutally murdered by as-yet-unknown ordinary, moral, upstanding members of the public who know right from wrong and just want to see a bit of justice for our Maddie.

Met spokesperson Jasper Ebbsfleet confirmed that the vicious attack, which included stab wounds to the head, neck, chest and genitals, was most likely the work of somebody “Trying to stab the paedophilia out of Mr Cunningham. It’s a widely-suspected fact that paedophilia lurks in the groinal region and we imagine this was a well-meaning intervention that got out of hand. I would hate for the public to think that anybody willing to sustain a frenzied knife holocaust on somebody’s happysack might have some serious, deep-seated issues of their own.”

Police are placing adverts in The Sun and The Daily Mail, asking every reader to turn themselves in for questioning.

Christmas Post To Go Unstolen
After a ballot of its members, the Commerical Workers Union have confirmed that 2,000 Royal Mail sorting office staff are to go on strike from December 19th, leaving thousands of Christmas gifts to sit in warehouses, rather than being sold in nearby pubs by posties. The industrial action, prompted by proposed office closures, will affect post in Stockport, Bolton and Liverpool. Experts claim these locations were chosen by union members as they are key areas for parcel tampering.

Royal Mail have responded by stating they will draft in temporary workers to steal the public’s cash, gift vouchers and presents, but Union representative Bob Knutsford claims that unskilled workers cannot hope to replicate the level of pilfering achieved by qualified sorters.

“A temp might rip open something that looks like a card or pick up a box to rattle” said Knutsford “But our members have had years of experience in spotting the telltale signs of something valuable inside – if it’s heavily taped-up, has a return address in Surrey or if it’s addressed to somebody called “Rupert” for instance.”

“ Meat Hook Sodomy Lane” Unveiled
After 13 roads in Dartford, birthplace of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger, were renamed after Rolling Stones songs, the US town of Buffalo has followed suit. The death metal group Cannibal Corpse were raised in Buffalo and council members have voted overwhelmingly to rename several streets in the group’s honour.

“Lark Street will now be known as Rancid Amputation Boulevard and Willow Road is now called Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt Mews” said the town’s mayor. “We think it will really make our town stand out as a tourist location, especially for pale, socially inept teenage boys with a penchant for horror movies and trenchcoats.”

Gerry Rafferty’s claim that Baker Street in Paisley, birthplace of the busker’s favourite, was named after his 1978 hit, has been dismissed by local as “Absolute pish”.

Britain Votes For New Supermarket Opener

2008-12-12T10:33:00.004Z

“A Whole World Of Cruise Ships Awaits” Says Cowell

Tomorrow will see the much-anticipated finale of X Factor 2008, in which 3 acts will vie for the crown of “Person Who’s Not Bad At Singing Somebody Else’s Songs” 2008.

The show started way back in January as the X Factor team trawled the country for the potential Next Big Thing alongside several hundred thousand deluded retards who could barely read the waiver form they dragged their thumbprint across.

Millions of viewers leaned forward in their seats, anticipating yet another moon-faced dullard keening their way through Celine Dion, then blinking with incomprehension as the quartet of life’s lottery winners fired scorn at their ludicrously overambitious aspirations.

An estimated 4,500 gallons of hot, chip-scented tears have been wept by rejected candidates as they galumphed out of the auditions, their slack-faced brood of family & friends swarming around them like a locust storm of tragedy, while they muttered incoherent threats over their pale, flabby shoulders at the judges.

Eventually the wheat was sorted from the genetic and societal chaff and twelve finalists were picked on the basis of talent, attitude and ability to be impressed with the prospect of meeting Mariah Carey. The faint stool of hope was then kicked from under the feet of nine more contestants each week, leaving them dangling on the noose of thwarted ambition for some compelling television. This resulted in tomorrow night’s three finalists, who are:

Alexandra Burke: The Woolworths Whitney Houston has impressed the public by being able to sing so loudly the picture frames in their living rooms rattle even when the television is switched off. Easily-impressed viewers have mistaken this for vocal range and have backed her all the way through to Saturday’s show. Her nondescript good looks and bland affability might just be enough to pass for star quality and see her win through.

JLS: What would have happened if Boyz II Men never rehearsed, JLS have graced the competition with their vaguely-approximate harmony singing and innovative image, with each band member having their own ‘signature colour’. “If only the Beatles had assigned a colour to each band member” twittered JLS mentor Louis Walsh from atop a pile of Lucky Charms “They could have really hit the big time.”

Eoghan Quigg: The puffy-faced anagram and singing foetus has won the nation’s affections by attaining an almost zen level of mediocrity. Nipple-trousered mentor Simon Cowell has claimed his protégé’s dedication to bland neutrality has greatly impressed him. “Eoe…Oweee…the lad’s ability to be not especially noticeable in every facet of his existence is incredible” said Cowell. “Normally boys his age will be remarkable or distinctive in some manner – acne, piercings, spontaneous, unwanted erections. But he’s so astoundingly nothing, I’ve found myself forgetting who it is I’m speaking to halfway through a conversation with him.”

The winner of tomorrow’s final will have their version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” released as a single, with most of the proceeds used to file restraining orders against irate Cohen fans intent on throttling whomever the singer may be. As an interesting side-note, production of the single will be carbon-neutral as the pressing plant will be powered from a dynamo attached to Jeff Buckley’s spinning corpse.

Mugabe Blames Zimbabwe Deaths On Flu

2008-12-11T14:54:00.001Z

“There’s A Bug Going Round, I Think” Says Murderous Lunatic

Following nearly 800 reported deaths due to a cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has told reporters “There is no such thing as cholera, as any sane person will tell you. All those dead people had that nasty flu bug that has been going around. Half of my office has called in sick with it, you know.”

Mugabe stated that cholera was invented in the 1930s by Walt Disney as a way of explaining the high turnover of staff amongst his animators. The President claims that the Disney creator had an irrational fear of sideburns and would beat hirsute employees over the head with a shovel, bury them in his yard and claim they had fallen victim to the ‘fictitious’ disease. “It’s true” he asserted. “Anyone who could dream up the pink elephants bit in ‘Dumbo’ could easily come up with a fictional disease, too. He was one crazy bastard, let me tell you.”

Mugabe, seemingly taking prompts for his speech from a stuffed Buzz Lightyear doll sat on a high chair next to him, continued “This so-called cholera epidemic is an invention of the west. They want to come over here, invade our beautiful country and appropriate my collection of Pogs for their own ends.” Mugabe added “You have Mad Cow disease in Britain. So do you say Britain should be invaded?” A clearly uncomfortable Gordon Brown responded to Mugabe’s comments by saying “That mad wee yankee fuck only has a couple o’ months in office. Dinnae be giving him no ideas, y’scunner”.

Mugabe’s claims are just the latest in series of unhinged utterances. The recent discovery of 42 bullet-ridden corpses in a mass grave just outside of Bulawayo was dismissed by Mugabe as “A misunderstanding. They were 42 very lazy workers who local farmers tried to wake up by firing guns near them. Sadly, all 42 got in the way of the bullets and fell into a ditch. The impact caused a nearby pile of earth to fall on top of them, causing them to be buried. Perfectly simple explanation. Now, which one of you has been licking all my spoons again? Heads will roll, my friends!!!”

World Health Organisation person Iain Ebbsfleet stated that Mugabe’s stance on the cholera epidemic was “Dangerous, irresponsible and mad as a bear with an itchy fucking arse. Have you ever watched him on the telly? He can’t even blink both eyes at the same time. Jesus.” When asked what the WHO intended to do regarding the crisis, he replied “1/8th of fuck all, pal. Wander into a lawless country ruled by a heavily-armed psychopath with only a bag full of inoculations for protection? He may be off his sodding chump, but I’m not. No, I’m waiting for a typhoid outbreak in the Maldives. Now there’s a health crisis I can get behind.”

Williams To Come Back As Apprentice For Take That

2008-12-11T10:22:00.002Z

“Let’s See How His 6-Month Review Goes” Says Barlow

After Robbie Williams revealed his desire to rejoin housewife gusset-moisteners Take That, nominal head of the group gary Barlow has said “It would be great to have Robbie back working for us, but obviously that would be subject to a six month trial period where we can review his progress in key areas such as singing, dancing, modelling mid-price clothing ranges and not admitting to being gay.”

Williams made the announcement from his £7M Los Angeles mansion bought from the proceeds of his record-breaking £80M advance from EMI in 2002. “It would be great to work with the boys again” said Williams. “Gary, Mark, the one who looks like Willem Defoe recovering from crack addiction, the other one.”

“I have very happy memories of my time in Take That. Although outward appearances might suggest I always felt somehow being above getting interviewed by Smash Hits and opening swimming pools in Knutsford despite being little more than a tubby Butlins redcoat.”

However, Williams admitted that the main reason for wanting to rejoin the group was “The frankly ridiculous amount of money I owe EMI. That 80 large they gave me, that wasn’t just a present, you know. They were expecting that back in album sales. And ‘Rudebox’ barely paid for last month’s interest on the debt. Why I thought anybody would want to listen to a gobby foetus from Stoke rapping is anybody’s guess”.

“So when I saw the lads on the Christmas M&S adverts, I thought ‘Fuck this for a game of cock-tennis, I’ll have a wedge of that’ and got in touch.”

Barlow has outlined how Williams might be brought back into the Take That fold. “To begin with, we’d expect him to take on all the junior workload. Any TV appearances in Eastern Europe would be his responsibility and in the videos, he’d be asked to gaze appreciatively at me while I croon my latest batch of six-form stanzas.”

For Take That’s live shows, Williams would initially be pelted by the rest of the group with raw liver, three-pin plugs and contaminated medical waste. Pending satisfactory one-to-ones with Barlow, who would assume the role of Williams’ line manager, he may be allowed to thank the audience for coming between a couple of songs.

“Ultimately, it’ll all be down to his six-month review whether he stays permanently” said Barlow. “These are difficult times and very few firms are taking on new staff. For the price of hiring Robbie, we could have gotten three-quarters of East 17. No, we’ll have to see how it goes and we’ll also have to see who’s the useless fat twat now, won’t we?”

“Well Obviously ‘Porn’ As Well”, Say Google

2008-12-10T16:13:00.002Z

Top Ten Search Terms Published

Google have released their top ten search queries of 2008, with ‘Facebook’, ‘Youtube’ and ‘BBC’ topping the UK list. “This shows that we’re the search engine of choice for listless, disaffected office workers counting down the hours until their company is swallowed up like a cold, unregarded planet by the ravenous black hole of global economy” said Google person Higgs Ebbsfleet.

The search engine is the most widely-used on the planet. It employs a number of complicated algorithms, word-recognition software and constant scanning of web content before displaying the websites of whomever has paid them the most money. “When it comes to accuracy, Google is second to none in showing the user which firm has thrown the most cash our way” said Ebbsfleet.

The company were quick to answer criticism that their poll findings were inaccurate, with Ebbsfleet stating “We’ve left off the more obvious terms, otherwise the top ten would look like the thought patterns of teenage erotomaniac wanking their way down the Reeperbahn whilst snorting Viagra.” Some of terms left out of the survey included “Porn”, “Anal”, “Teen Anal”, “Dry Dutch Clam Farming” and “Free Porn”.

“Although the internet is now the mainstream platform regarding the dissemination of sports, entertainment, information and news across the globe, 98% of it is still a pink globulous mass of bodily fluids and moustaches” admitted Ebbsfleet.

Google also published the ten fastest-rising global queries of 2008, with the term ‘Sarah Palin’ just beating the term “Soulless Fundamentalist Hate-Fuck” onto the list. Other inclusions were “Euro 2008”, “Jonas Brothers” and “Publicity Masquerading As News”.

It was estimated that somebody asked Google a question approximately 400 million times a day, which is 5,391 times more often than people asked themselves whether they could be doing something a lot more fruitful with their lives than looking at another limb entering another orifice ill-suited to the purpose.

When asked what terms he predicted would make it into the 2009 top ten, Ebbsfleet stated “It depends on so many factors – global politics, the newest boy band, sporting events and so on – but if I were a gambling man, I’d say the phrase “Obama Assassination” was a fairly safe bet.”

Government To Nationalise Clarkson

2008-12-04T10:33:00.002Z

“If This £20M Takeover Was A Car, It Would Be An Enzo” Boasts Darling

As the motoring industry posted a 37% downturn on cars sold compared with November 2007, the government has stepped in with an emergency buyout of Jeremy Clarkson. A controlling share of the 48-year-old writer, presenter and bigot was purchased by the treasury last night at a cost of £20M.

“We hope to revitalise the car-purchasing giant by an injection of much-needed money. We appreciate, as it’s your money we’re spending, that it’s probably much-needed by you too, but the cheque has been cashed now so there’s very little we can do about it” said Darling this morning.

While Clarkson will remain nominally in control of himself regarding day-to-day issues such as styling his 1980s footballer hair, the government’s 51% share will allow them to intervene in key decisions. “Government control will ensure that Clarkson remains focussed on his key responsibilities – buying lots of cars he doesn’t really need in an attempt to shore up his understandably fragile ego and encouraging others to do the same” said one treasury spokesman.

It is claimed that the furore over Clarkson’s recent jibes at lorry drivers, his frequent homophobic remarks and every item of clothing he has bought since 1992 could have been avoided under governmental control.

The Top Gear presenter met with the press outside his Chipping Norton home to discuss the government buyout. “Now that I belong to Alistair Darling, I don’t want everyone to feel I’ve become slightly beige, somewhat beardy, a little – how can I put it? - light in the wrist area. For that reason I’m going to drive this little beauty” – at this point he indicated a Scorpion tank parked in his driveway – “all the way to France…then blow up some sheep.” He then went on explain that his two Top Gear co-presenters would be racing him to France on a tandem bike and good-naturedly jesting about what an odious heap of dung he is.

Alistair Darling defended Clarkson’s latest stunt, stating “We knew when we took over Clarkson that it would be a controversial purchase. But we’re confident that he’ll soon be re-energising the British car industry by tearing around an air-field in a Morgan sports car and making tortuous similes about how fast it corners.”

100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently

2008-12-03T11:54:00.004Z

TO READ THIS STORY, PLEASE GO TO THE BEST SATIRE SITE ON THE INTERNET:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/100-nations-agree-to-kill-people-differently-200812041439/

tomorrow (4/12/08).

Thanks.

“Don’t Hurry Back” Obama Tells Clinton

2008-12-02T09:24:00.003Z

President Elect To “Muddle Through Without Hillary”

On the day Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary Of State when he takes office next year, the president elect said “This is a vital role in a new government dedicated to change. We need somebody who will travel to some of the most dangerous places on the planet and will often be away for months at a time. As soon as I read that job description, I immediately thought of Mrs Clinton.”

As America waits to see whether Obama lives up to his election promises, he has already announced a radical and intensive timetable for his Secretary Of State. “I don’t want to see her anywhere near the White House for at least 18 months” Obama told journalists. “She can send me postcards if she likes, but I’ll be warning US border patrols not to let her back into the US until late 2010 at the earliest.”

“The world is a dangerous, troubled and frightening place and I feel America has a responsibility to engage with these countries as closely as possible” continued Obama. “For that reason, I have compiled a list of the twenty most troubled spots on Earth and Hillary will be going to them all. Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, East Timor – the lot. If there’s a place where amphetamine-fuelled teenagers roam the countryside armed with machetes and AK47s, then I want Mrs Clinton to be there to meet them.”

Concerned with America’s image abroad as a bullying, polluting big brother, Obama has also decreed that Mrs Clinton must use local transport when travelling abroad and has not been allocated any security personnel. “I think the world is tired of seeing Americans arriving in their country armed to the teeth, throwing their weight around” he said “So for that reason, Hillary’s not even going to be allowed to carry a steel comb when she meets with some of the world’s most violent despots.”

Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on her new role, but one insider claims she reacted by saying “So while I’m ducking bullets in some fly-strewn hellhole, he’s smiling for the cameras and shaking hands with Bono. Great. Meanwhile, Bill’s probably going to be elbow-deep in chubby secretary poon. I hate politics.”

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

2008-12-01T11:28:00.003Z

Latest Step In Restorative Baadaass Justice

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

Jack Straw, Ultimate Harbinger Of Truth & Justice In Albion, defended the scheme, stating “The government feels that there should be a real sense of shame in criminal activity and the punishment should reflect that. I have been holding talks with my American colleague Sweeeet Nathan Brown who advised me that my momma didn’t raise no weak-ass minister and I should make any trifling menial criminal show a brother some respect.”

The ‘Vest Of Shame’ scheme is the first tier of funky restorative justice planned by Straw. Tougher measures proposed include assaulting recidivists using cumbersome, badly performed kung fu and laying some beat down on them with a belt until they recognise who their respective daddies are.

Shami Chakrabarti, the inappropriately cute midget gem and director of human rights group Liberty, has issued a note of caution regarding Straw’s plans, stating “Big pimp restorative justice schemes have been tried in other countries with limited success. Last year, Germany abandoned its “Ich Bein HERR Tibbs” scheme after it was shown that chasing down offenders in 1970 Chevys was both costly and time-consuming.”

“Liberty feel that a more progressive approach to rehabilitating offenders can be seen in Australia with their RomCom program. Under the Australian model, criminals are offered an alternative to custodial sentences by being introduced to another offender whom they initially find completely romantically unsuitable. Over the course of the three-month scheme the offenders are re-integrated into society via a montage of scenes showing the two offenders growing to value each other’s company and eventually falling in love. Cute animals or disabled kids can also be employed to facilitate the transition.”

“The precarious part of the scheme is usually just before its completion, where the two offenders are made to fall out with each other. This is typically down to a misunderstanding over a missed phone call or something. But if the scheme is followed to its completion, previously hardcore recidivists can be expected to walk into a sunset accompanied by Harry Connick Jr singing Sinatra. It really is a very moving form of restorative justice.”

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

2008-11-28T10:18:00.001Z

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

Pietersen Thanks Mumbai Terrorists

2008-11-27T10:01:00.000Z

Violent Outrage Stops England Looking Right Cunts

As England cancelled their forthcoming pastings at the hands of their Indian cricketing superiors due to ongoing violence in India, captain Kevin Pietersen has personally thanked the head of the armed guerrillas, saying “We were due to have our arses handed to us on a plate over and over again in the last two games. Seriously, Flintoff hasn’t stopped crying for two days. It was getting ridiculous. But now we can go home with some modicum of sporting pride. Nice work, lads. Thanks.”

England were trailing their 7-match one-day series with India by five games to nil after displays of batting ineptitude described by one ECB member as “Like watching a paraplegic trying to eat noodles with a ladder.” England’s bowling has been scarcely better, with the Indian batsmen reduced to waving their arms about and blowing whistles to ensure the ball was delivered in approximately the same region as the wicket.

Most experts were predicting a 7-0 whitewash for England, with Ian Botham dubbing England’s performance’s as “The worst cricketing witnessed since the old opening credits to ‘Neighbours.’” But the tour has been cut short following the violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai by the ECB on the grounds of safety.

“We must protect our team from any risk of harm” said ECB person WG Ebbsfleet. “By ending the series now, we believe we have done that. Because if they’d have come home 7-0 losers there would have been a howling mob of cricket fans waiting at the airport to insert the team’s bats sideways into their rectums.”

The move has been applauded by Gordon Brown who also took time to denounce the terrorist atrocities in India. “At a time like this, whether or not India beat us like a Haringey toddler at cricket is neither here nor there. Let’s call that series a draw, yes? I wish to take this opportunity to denounce the evil acts of these violent terrorists and will happily talk about it at length so long as nobody asks me exactly how I’m going to magic £20 billion out of my arse before the next election.”

Meanwhile, the English FA have asked for regular updates on the movements of the Indian terrorists. “We need to know who these guys are, how they work and what they’re planning next.” said one FA member “And whether there’s any chance they could do their stuff in South Africa in 2012 if our lads are getting a hiding in the group stages.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

2008-11-24T11:08:00.004Z

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”

Christmas Toy Bestsellers Announced

2008-11-21T10:48:00.003Z

British Toy Association’s Top Tantrum Inducers

With the economy wheezing on its back like on 80-year-old ex-miner in a forest fire, many have predicted that Christmas 2008 will not be a bumper year for toy retailers. But Nikon Ebbsfleet, head of the British Toy Association, disagrees.

“There are many reasons for toy manufacturers to be optimistic” said Ebbsfleet. “The housing market has shown a slight upturn, inflation rates have been lowered to combat the recession, but most importantly children are solipsistic, screaming bundles of Id that want their desires met immediately. A parent may as well kick an umbrella at the clouds to stop it raining as get between a bawling infant and the toy it wants.”

Ebbsfleet listed his predicted best-sellers for Christmas 2008.

1: Dubai Island
Following the runaway success of Tracy Island in 1992, Mattel have updated the concept for the 21st century. Dubai Island recreates all the thrills of vulgar, excessive opulence for 8-12 year olds. In the hotel concert room, a miniature Celine Dion belts out “My Heart Will Go On” at the push of a button to a crowd of lovingly-recreated despots, faded rock stars and their marble-eyed model girlfriends.

Kids can have fun trying to smuggle gay hotel guests past the armed guards at reception and jolt with delight as the scale model 15’ high electric fence keeps out those pesky poor locals!
(Accessories, such as jewel-encrusted dolphins for the swimming pool, start at £1.8M)

2: Knifeys
From the makers of Heelys come Knifeys, the fashion footwear that comes with a kick! Available in a range of funky, colourful designs, Knifeys are the comfortable new way to make your mark at school, in the playground or at home. Just shift your weight to your heels and a durable, six inch, Teflon-coated hunting blade will deploy from the front of the shoe, making you the king of the cool kids. Tip your weight forward and the patented design cleans the blade as it retracts back into the sole of the shoe. Your folks, your friends and the police will be none the wiser!

3: Credit Crunch Monopoly
All the fun of the original, with a contemporary twist of global financial meltdown. The Old Kent Road still costs £60, but now so does everything else. You start with houses on every property, and the object of the game is to manage to get around the board three times without having all of them repossessed.

Choose your board piece carefully, too. Pick the car and you’ll soon be in financial trouble as each move costs you an extra £10 congestion charge. Choose the top hat and you’ll find yourself ducking the bricks thrown at you by anti-capitalist rioters.

There a dozens of other updates to look out for, from the “Get Out Of Jail On A Technicality” card to “You Won 2nd Prize In A Beauty Contest – Get Date-Raped By A Portugese Premiership Footballer In A Hotel Room” in the ‘Chance’ pile.

Credit Crunch Monopoly – however you play it, we’re all absolutely fucked!

Britain Headed For Perspective Crisis

2008-11-20T10:30:00.002Z

‘Sense Of Actual Importance’ Lowest Since 1920s

As John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing and Timmy Mallett joined the cast of I’m A Celebrity…, Great Britain is poised to suffer its greatest lack of perspective in eighty years, according to one leading sociologist. “If things carry on at this rate, by April of next year most of Britain will be reduced to a gibbering wreck if Darren’s affair is discovered on ‘Hollyoaks’” said Ellroy Ebbsfleet, professor of Socio-Economic Neurophilosophy at Knutsford Community College.

His report comes after vast swathes of the public keened themselves into a seething fury after a man who wasn’t very good at doing something was repeatedly told he wasn’t very good at doing it, on a show that made him try to do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing. As a result, he stopped doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing despite many people enjoying watching him do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing.

“I’m disgusted, this is worse than when my daughter was murdered” said ‘Strictly’ fan and mother of six Elsie Wretched. “I’ve been topping up my mobile credit every six hours to keep voting for him and then what does he do? He clears off. He should be strung up for such a betrayal, he’s no better than a paedophile. An immigrant paedophile, at that.” she gibbered.

The BBC has promised to refund all phone charges to people who voted for the man doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing, of their own free will. It is expected they will affix a cannon full of pound coins to a Securicor van and speed it through several major council estates, firing high-speed financial shrapnel at the slavering mob following the vehicle and hooting.

Meanwhile another broadcaster of people going camping abroad has incensed viewers free to do anything else this glittering and endlessly enthralling globe has to offer by adding another camper who used to be annoying on another show they were perfectly at liberty not to watch. “When I first saw Mallett’s face appear on my screen, I tried to punch him repeatedly” said ‘Celebrity’ fan Mick Pancreas. “But I just ended up with hot shards of glass in my face. I’ll be sending the bill to ITV, don’t you worry. I haven’t been this upset since Diana died.”

Ebbsfleet fears that these reactions are typical and that Britain is heading into a meltdown of giving a fuck about things worth giving a fuck about. “We haven’t seen a crisis like this since the 1920s” he confirmed. “While the dark clouds of Fascism and National Socialism were hovering over Europe, most of Britain was getting into heated debates over who would win in a fight between Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd.”

BNP Members Can “Go & Shite” Say Amnesty

2008-11-19T10:55:00.002Z

“Fuck Them” Adds Chakrabarti

After the personal details of 10,000 BNP members were posted on the internet, human rights activists have been quick to assert that the collection of neo-nazis, crackpots and morons can “Throw their cocks at a flying sex doll if they think they’re getting any help from us.”

Amnesty person Raffia Ebbsfleet stated “We are dedicated to challenging abuses of human rights wherever we find them. Whether that is the freedom of religion in Middle-Eastern countries or the freedom to vote in South American countries. Our staff often face great personal danger in their work. But if you honestly think we’re going to help this bunch of fascist gitwipes then you’re wrong. Human rights are universal but there are limits, you know.”

Shami Chakrabarti said “The right to privacy and the freedom from persecution based on one’s political beliefs are absolute. Except when they’re horrid, then I could frankly give a flying one. This party’s policies encourage hatred, social division and threats. So I welcome the publication of their membership so we can work to identify who to dislike, fire from their jobs and….ah, I see what I’ve done there.”

The list, dating from 2007, features individuals from all walks of life, from embittered, hate-filled teachers to embittered, hate-filled clergymen. BNP fuhrer Nick Griffin stated “This challenges the myth that the BNP is filled with skinheaded oiks. Some of our oiks hold down positions of great professional responsibility. Or at least did. I don’t imagine their next one-to-ones are going to be especially glowing.”

Some doubt has been cast over the accuracy of the list, as Griffin himself confirmed that possible non-members and party infiltrators may be included. The absence of Richard Littlejohn and Paul Dacre from the list also gives reason for doubt. Griffin has called the leak “A disgraceful act of treachery by a former party member and a nasty piece of intimidation. And I should know nasty intimidation when I see it.” Asked why membership of his party should be something people would want to keep private, Griffin responded “Erm…..no reason.”

It remains to be seen whether any criminal prosecutions will arise from the leaked document and a decision has yet to be made by the Dyfed-Powys CPS. “We’re looking at the details of this incident very closely” said Chief Inspector Knutsford “And an announcement will be made in the next few days. We will be wor…oh, look, it’s Hugh. I remember him from my CID days. There was one time when we’d rounded up a van of gyp…this press conference is over. Thank you.”

Gerrard’s Nan Had Died, Says Benitez

2008-11-18T10:46:00.003Z

“No, Not That One, The Other One” Insists Liverpool Manager

After Steven Gerrard was summoned to the England training camp by Fabio Capello despite being declared unfit to play, Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has dramatically changed his story, stating “No, that was a problem with my English. I may have told Capello ‘Gerrard, he cannot play because of his groin injury’ but my English is still not of the requisite standard required to convey complex concepts. What I meant to say was that his nan had died.”

As Gerrard faced a scan conducted by England doctors to ascertain whether the micro-foreheaded midfielder had any form of groin strain, Benitez made frantic last-minute calls to Capello. “Stevie might come to the training ground saying he’s hurt his groin” Benitez informed the England manager “But he’s just really confused and upset about his nan. What? No, that was his other nan, on his mum’s side. She died just before England played that friendly against The Vatican City, remember?”

Benitez insists that Liverpool have not tried to deceive the England camp, stating “Of course I do not mind my most valuable player coming back from a meaningless kickabout in several separate boxes. Every player has a real desire to play for his country – well, not Jamie, obviously, but most of them. But the fact we’re about to enter a flurry of games that could ultimately decide my fate as a manager does not mean I’d make something up about his happy region being on the blink.”

Gerrard is not the only player to be summoned to his national training camp after claiming injury. Capello faces a severely depleted squad with seven of his first-choice squad missing with injuries ranging from “A partially-torn cruciate” to “An attack of the vapours”. Ashley Cole is also believed to be missing due to “A severely bruised ego” and serious rectal trauma sustained while he was stepping out of the bath and accidentally sat on a bottle of Cheryl’s Mum roll-on deodorant and he tried getting out himself which is why there’s KY Jelly around it and it just got stuck and what are the chances of that happening.

Joachim Low is said to be unperturbed by the problems in the England camp, telling English journalists “We know England are a strong side and we expect them to give us a good game on Wednesday. It is a chance to test new players and we ca…OH YES, VERY FUNNY WITH THE THEME OF THE DAMUBUSTERS! YOU MAYBE WISH TO CHANGE THE RECORD, YES?”

46% Of Adults “Never Seen A Child”

2008-11-17T11:05:00.001Z

“Are They Some Breed Of Deer?” Ask Poll Subjects

A recent survey by Barnardo’s showed that 46% of British adults are not petrified into a shivering funk of terror at the thought of encountering a swarm of barely-coherent youths high on glue & WKD on some blood-sodden street corner.

This has prompted Dale Ebbsfleet, who conducted the survey on the charity’s behalf, to conclude “We can only assume that these people have never actually met any children. Either that or they were so traumatised by their last encounter that they foolishly consider children to be twinkle-eyed Enid Blyton-esque creations who’d never dream of breaking into your flat, shitting on your couch and pinching anything narrow enough to fit through the doors of Cash Converters.”

However, Barnardo’s have cautioned against demonising Britain’s youth, claiming the vast majority of teenagers are “Decent and caring” and that terms like “Feral & Vermin” should be avoided.

This view was contested by Jez Template, whose Knutsford corner shop has been the target of 347 youth-related crimes since October. “Decent and caring, you say?” asked Template. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. If you’d have said “Hormonally driven to drink, hump, stab or steal everything they can get their hands on” then I’d have known who you were talking about. Only last week I had a pair of little twatters come into the shop. They set fire to a copy of ‘Razzle’, fucked the ashes, then pocketed the charred remains.”

When asked what alternative terms should be used to describe the youths who have targeted his shop, Template replied “Well if they won’t let me call them feral vermin I’m going to have to go for “Inexcusable shitheaps”. Is that okay? Anyway, I’m going to have to go. A bunch of twelve year olds are stabbing up my greeting card display for disrespecting them.”

But Barnardo’s continue to assert that many problem children have issues at home that drive them into criminal activity. One spokesperson stated “A lack of parental control, undiagnosed learning difficulties, even a poor diet can all contribute to antisocial behaviour. That and the fact they’re a bunch of amoral shitehawks.”

“Leave Me Out Of This” Says God

2008-11-11T10:02:00.003Z

Palin Eyes Further Humiliation in 2012

As Alaskan Governor and self-confessed “Numbnuts in lipstick” Sarah Palin gave her first interview following the Republican party’s comprehensive beatdown in the presidential election, she managed to run into controversy with the Almighty Creator within the first fifteen seconds.

“I was like, “Wow God, I’m like completely up for whatever you want me to do next.” said Palin. “Is it something to do with doors, God? You want me to, kinda, sell doors or something? What was that God? You want me to walk through a door? ‘Cause if the door ain’t open, God, I will, like, totally just crash right through it, yeah? For you.”

“Then God stopped speaking to me, so I had some pop tarts and watched Desperate Housewives. I love that show. I love horses too. Don’t you love horses? I love horses.”

God hastily arranged a press conference to rebut Ms Palin’s allegations. “Look, I’m sick of all the innuendo and rumour surrounding my relationship with this woman” said a clearly tired and emotional omnipotent being.

“I admit that my infinite power and wisdom may have set in motion the whole universe in which Ms Palin exists and for that I apologise. But to suggest that I’m in some way responsible for her views on, well, pretty much everything is unfair. If you must know, what I actually said was “Don’t let the door slam your arse on the way out.” But fuck me if she didn’t make a hash of even a simple message like that.”

Palin went on to blame the fact she’s a Republican for her campaign’s failure. “I ran as a Republican and everyone was like “Ohmygod, the Republicans and their skanky 10 trillion-dollar debt, they’re so gross. No way am I voting for them.” But it so not my fault. That debt was like, completely there when I arrived. It’s so unfair.”

Despite the heavy defeat, Palin feels that the campaign did well. “There was just millions of people who voted for me and John and that was so super sweet of them. It was like John and me were running for prom king & queen and it was really uncool that more people voted for that other guy? Pyjama or whatever his name is? They said it had nothing to do with race but it so totally was which is so heinous as I can’t help being white, right?”

Palin stated her intention to run for office in 2012, but The Lord God had one final message regarding her candidacy. “I’ve got one word for you. Smiting. You remember the whole smiting business way back in the day? Well that account’s still open with you people. That’s all I’m saying.”

Get The Fuck Out, Children Told

2008-11-07T10:20:00.003Z

“High School Musical. Screen 4. Now Piss Off”

British cinema-goers breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Vue cinema chain unrolled over-18-only screenings across the UK. Under the new scheme, adults will be allowed to watch films of their choice without the added soundtrack of mobile phone ringtones, aggressive snogging and repeated attempts to explain the plot by exasperated parents.

“We polled our customers about what they look for when they go to the cinema” said Vue spokesperson Louis Ebbsfleet “And we were amazed to find that less than 3% of them wanted to hear about who fingered who behind the local Burger King.”

The cinema chain piloted the scheme last year which was an overwhelming success. “People were queuing up for the child-free screenings. Most of them didn’t even want to see the film that was being shown.” As one customer involved in the pilot stated “If it means I can sit in peace for a couple of hours without having dozens of little fuckers chase each other across my line of vision, I’ll even sit through something with Meg Ryan in it.”

Security is expected to be tight to enforce the new screenings, with Vue staff being trained in hand-to-hand combat and issued body armour and CS spray. “We’re aware that some minors may object to being excluded” said Ebbsfleet “And teenagers tend to express their dissatisfaction through the medium of a hunting knife. We’ve got an ex-SAS officer to do a risk assessment. It may seem excessive but we feel a duty to offer our customers the chance to watch Quantum Of Solace in something not resembling a glorified crèche.”

Children’s rights activists have reacted cautiously to the move. One stated “We understand that people want a choice of a child-free environment. But please, don’t piss them off. You’ve no idea what a 12-year-old high on WKD and fizzy fish can do. Stick them in a pair of Heely’s and you can’t even catch the little bastards.”

But Vue remain adamant. “As well as the over-18 screens, we’re creating specific screens for kids. We’ve ripped the seats out, everything can be hosed clean and we’ll just show MTV Base on loop with trailers every couple of hours. I doubt they’ll notice any difference, frankly. Let them fuck each other up in there. Just as long as they leave everyone else to watch their film in comfort.”

Early reactions to Vue’s over-18 screenings have been uniformly positive. One customer, Clancy Knutsford, said “I’ve just been to see ‘Burn After Reading’ and it was fantastic. You could hear all the dialogue and I wasn’t showered in Doritos once. I felt a special form of contentment in there. You know what it was? The contentment of somebody not having the back of their seat kicked every twelve seconds. Bliss.”

Obama Favourite For Glenrothes Election

2008-11-06T11:26:00.002Z

Scottish By-Election “Could Be Watershed Moment”

As voters head to the ballot boxes in the Fife constituency of Glenrothes, early exit polls show Barack Obama as a surprise frontrunner to be elected MP. The election, called after the death of John MacDougall from the embarrassment of being a Labour MP, is expecting a record turnout of over 90% as people flock to show their support for the US assassination target elect. “This is a chance for history to be made” said Glenrothes mayor Glen Ebbsfleet “For the first time ever, an African-American could be both leader of the Free World and backbench Scottish MP.”

As Obama’s name does not appear on the ballot paper, Glenrothes residents have been scrawling his name at the bottom, with a tick next to it. Although the spelling of his name has been variable (“One voting paper said ‘That lovely wee black feller from America who drove Miss Daisy’ on it”, said one ballot counter), it is obvious that the US politician is the local favourite to spearhead Glenrothe’s bid to win the “Best Kept Large Town” once more.

Conservative candidate Maurice Golden has tried to emulate Obama’s oratory in his final election speech, saying “Can we improve public transport to Kinglassie & Freuchi? Yes we can. Can we sustain local businesses after the expansion of the Kingdom Shopping Centre? Yes we can. Can we reinstate the Rosyth ferry service to Belgium? Yes we can. God bless Scotland!”

It is unclear whether Obama will accept the will of the Glenrothes electorate as it was revealed today that back in America, he looks set to inherit a smouldering heap of rubble. As George Bush winds down his term in office, sources close to the president have revealed that he plans to leave little of worth behind. “He’s already taking the batteries out of the smoke alarms and remote controls, the lightbulbs from the back rooms” said one aide. “He’s got his cousin turning up next week to lift up the lawn round back of the White House.”

By the time Obama takes office in January, the White House is expected to be little more than a husk held up with hastily-erected joists as Bush attempts to extract every last dollar of profit from his tenure. “He’s done this before” continued the unnamed aide. “When the new governor of Texas took over after George won the presidency, he walked into his office to find all the carpets missing and ‘Fuk U Budy’ scrawled on the wall in what appeared to be faeces.”

America ‘Now Only Half Racist’

2008-11-05T11:13:00.004Z

‘It’s All Going To Be Fine” Says Expert

After Barack Obama’s historic victory in the race for the White House, a key US political analyst has stated that “Everything’s gravy from here on in. We can all kick back and let the good times roll. Our hundreds of years of racial oppression are but a distant memory and everything’s been sorted out now.”

Questions are being asked as to how the McCain campaign failed so badly and several theories have been put forward. Some blame the stigma of Bush’s disastrous handling of everything he comes within forty yards of. Others have suggested that McCain always looked on the brink of saying “I’m running for President and I’ve still got all my own teeth, you know.” But most commentators are agreed that the major handicap to McCain’s presidential push was choosing “A slate-eyed fucking lunatic” as vice presidential candidate.

“This was always going to be about capturing the under-represented voting demographic” said Ebbsfleet “And the Democrats had the African-American vote sewn up. Not that the Republicans would have touched a black VP candidate with a burning cross, you understand. So they had to go with a female candidate. From a field of very competent, experienced female senators McCain chose Palin. This proved to be the equivalent of letting Ringo sing.”

“Politics is about power” Ebbsfleet continued “And leaders are often seen as evil geniuses. But Palin was something even worse than that. An evil moron. Carrying on from the Beatles analogies, Palin will surely go down as the Yoko Ono of US politics.”

Many see Obama’s presidency as marking a turning point in US society. “America has a history of racial intolerance” said analyst Jed Ebbsfleet “But with the election of a mixed-race candidate like Obama, we’re halfway to putting that behind us. I think it was unrealistic to expect the American public to vote for a candidate who wasn’t at least partially white, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

Ebbsfleet also feels that, with 52% of the electorate voting for Obama, “We can now be proud to say that, as a nation, we’re now only half racist. Although if half of us voted for a mixed-race guy, that might still make us three-quarters racist. I was never really good at math, like those Asian guys.”

As news broke of Obama’s victory, the streets of Baltimore, Chicago and Washington were filled with crowds comprised of every race, creed and colour singing “The Age Of Aquarius”. Many thousands, previously crippled due to lack of basic medical care, were seen to kick away their crutches and dance with crackheads miraculously free of their addiction. Millions of rednecks were seen crying onto the shoulders of their black neighbours, sobbing heartfelt apologies, while their neighbours were heard to reply “That’s okay, brother. Water under the bridge.”

In his acceptance speech, Obama told the gathered thousands “I am deeply grateful for the faith people have put in me. But now is the time to be realistic. The economy, social deprivation, our military involvement in Iraq, the environment…they’re fucked. All of them. Proper, full-on fucked. Oh dear god. What have I let myself in for? After eight years of Republican rule, I have been sold a frigging pup, haven’t I?”

Congolese Advised To ‘Sex War Up’

2008-11-03T10:21:00.002Z

Conflict “Too Confusing” To Elicit Sympathy

The United Nations have sent an aid convoy to the Democratic Republic Of Congo with orders that the displaced millions need to “Jazz up their plight a bit” in order to garner international support. As General Nkunda’s military coup continues, the war has yet to establish a poster child or hot-button issue to focus the West’s increasingly-diminishing attention span.

UN person Jaylo Ebbsfleet has been assigned to deal with the PR for the conflict and says that unless the refugee’s marketing campaign steps up a gear, they can expect a pretty bleak winter. “It’s all about brand identification” said Ebbsfleet “The Congolese haven’t worked out their unique selling point as a war-torn region. Afghanistan is killing us in the polls with their Taliban branding but so far all we’ve got is the same old photos of thousands of people tramping down a dusty road with all their worldly possessions balanced on their head. It’s just really…blah, isn’t it?”

Ebbsfleet also feels that the complexities of conflict, which has previously involved five other African nations, inter-tribal warfare and military/political disputes, is a big turnoff. “Take Somalia in the 80s. Crops have failed, loads of hungry kids and Bang – there’s your poster. 2004, a big wave kills thousands. That’s a no-brainer in humanitarian terms. But this is currently too confusing to get a really sexy, vibrant campaign going.”

Plans are underway to raise the war’s market visibility in the UK. A premium-rate phone line has been set up to poll “Who’s the hottest – General Nkunda or President Kabila?” with a follow-up spread in Heat magazine entitled “General Nkunda’s Top Ten Fashion Disasters”. Unconfirmed reports claim that McFly are recording a charity single, a cover version of Toto’s “Africa”, to raise humanitarian funds.

E4 are also believed to be planning a fundraising concert in the Congolese capital, with Coldplay set to headline. “We have to do what we can to help” said Chris Martin “It’s terrible that the people of….erm…what?...oh yes, the Congo have to go through whatever it is they’re currently going through. The third single from our latest album is out on December 15th, by the way.”

“We want the civil war in the Congo to be the number one water-cooler conversation this Christmas” said Ebbsfleet. “We’re trying to play down some of the less saleable aspects – mass rape, corrupt international mining operations – as they don’t play well across the key 18-25 year old demographic. We want this to be the ‘Crazy Frog’ of the internecine armed conflict world.”

Beelzebub Expected Early This Evening, Say Satanists

2008-10-31T11:24:00.001Z

“Halfway Through Question Of Sport” Estimates Expert

Halloween is to be given a dramatic twist this year with the rising from the sulphurous pits of hell by the Lord Of Darkness himself, according to one demonological expert. Speaking from his two-bedroom terraced coven in Knutsford, devil expert Alistair Ebbsfleet stated “The moon shall run red with the blood of innocents, the seas shall be rent in twain and The Unspeakable One shall stalk the earth once more. Probably starting somewhere near Penge.”

Ebbsfleet listed the early signs of the impending rise of The Ultimate Harbinger Of Sorrow as “The stars raining fire from the heavens and probably quite a stiff northerly breeze.” This will then apparently be followed by the earth spewing forth the living dead and the lamentations of the countless being heard across the land. It is not yet clear whether these lamentations will contravene noise nuisance laws laid down in the Environmental Protection Act.

When asked why Diabolus should choose this evening to ascend from the underworld, Ebbsfleet explained “The signs of the end of days are all around us – the middle east awash with blood, the world economy falling to its knees. Peter Kay. Perfect environment for overthrowing the throne of heaven, really. But I think the main attraction to Mephistopheles at the moment is that most of the public won’t even notice he’s there. Not until wailing daemons start stuffing people’s gizzards into their ears. Too late by then, of course.

“But any society that gets more worked up about two potty-brained buffoons, or which person out of a sample of twelve is the worst singer, rather than the fabric of civilisation crumbling about them like a meringue in a threshing machine, isn’t going kick up too much of a fuss when the Antichrist starts throwing his weight about.”

“And apart from all that” added Ebbsfleet “It’s Halloween, innit? Traditional for Him to turn up at Halloween.”

UK society will look very different under the iron hoof of The Horned Beast, says Ebbsfleet. He predicts that the press will be seriously curbed, with only The Daily Mail and Chat magazine allowed to continue. “My Family will continue to be commissioned as well” he warns. But bizarrely, Lucifer will enforce rigorous environmental policies. “Despite wanting to doom mankind to an eternity of suffering” says Ebbsfleet “He really has a soft spot for polar bears. Not sure why.”

Daily Mail To Be Extradited

2008-10-28T10:13:00.003Z

Smith Announces “Littlejohn’s Law”

Between smearing spoonfuls of her own shit against the walls of her cabinet office and rocking in a foetal position under her desk, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today took time out to announce plans of a new bill to ban anybody from the UK who gets on her increasingly-fragile nerves by barking it in a staccato fashion through the gap under her door.

“Preachers of hate have no place in modern UK society” wibbled Smith “So I’m buggering about with the law like a kid with a box of Lego until there’s something in place that gives me legal sanction to kick them out.”

The Catholic Church, braced from their recent buy-out of the Anglican faith, has reacted angrily to the move, stating that the new law constitutes a restriction on trade. “No sensible person wants those brown chaps telling us we’re all evil, of course” said one chap sporting a large pointy hat “But this law will end a tradition that stretches back a thousand years – the right for an unelected man to threaten rooms full of people with menaces over what they choose to do with their unmentionables at home. If Smith’s proposals become law, how are we going to browbeat the poofs then? Answer me that one.”

The ex-Judaic faith is not the only group affected by the product of Smith’s misfiring head. Many predict that The Daily Mail will cease to function as a publication under the new laws. “You couldn’t make it up in a handcart” said excremental fat cunt Richard Littlejohn “This is just a green light for gays to start demanding my tax money, waving dildos at me in a threatening manner. Some of them will be dirty gypsies too, just you wait and see.”

Media analysts have estimated that without recourse to the demonisation of minority groups, the misrepresentation of statistics and outright fearmongering lies, The Daily Mail will be little more than a four-page set of horse racing results surrounded by adverts for Mediterranean cruises.

Smith, however, was adamant that her proposals become law as soon as possible. “We cannot have people entering the country with the intention of stirring up tensions. We want to send out a message – ‘If your views differ in the smallest iota to Labour Party doctrine – which we reserve the right to change as & when things go cock-shaped – then you may as well stay on the plane. This country did not become the greatest democracy in the world by allowing dissenting voices to be heard.”

Smith’s further justification for the law – to protect her brainwaves from being raped by Arab-shaped invaders – was later dismissed by Labour press officers as “Just Jacqui before the pills kick in. Pay it no mind.”

News Round Up

2008-10-24T11:25:00.001+01:00

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”

Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”

Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

Burt Reynolds Spotted In Swindon

2008-10-23T10:14:00.004+01:00

FOR THE FULL STORY, GO TO THE DAILY MASH TOMORROW:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/smokey-chases-bandit-through-swindon-200810241350/

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans

2008-10-22T11:17:00.000+01:00

New Religious Consortium To Be Named “Cathlican”

After plummeting attendances and an underfunded infrastructure pushed the Anglican Church to the brink of collapse, the Catholic Church has stepped in to bail out the ailing faith in a £4.7 billion buyout. Many in the 470-year-old organisation feared the mother church would have to cease praying altogether before the Holy Roman faith conglomerate stepped in.

Dr Rowan Williams, head of the beleaguered doctrine, stated “Nobody could have foreseen the global collapse in faith – this is absolutely unprecedented. With promising new markets, especially in the third world and China, we felt the church was in a healthy condition to expand its client base. The next thing we knew, the pews were simply empty.” Many expect Dr Williams to step down in the next few days, with the Mormon church already offering him a lucrative consultancy role.

Members of the public who have invested in the life everlasting with the Anglican church have been told not to panic, with Cardinal Ebbsfleet of the Vatican promising to honour all existing prayers lodged with the church. This followed scenes of chaos as churches in London, Bristol and Knutsford were mobbed by panicking worshippers demanding their eternal souls, which had been entrusted to the church, to be returned.

“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Anglican employees are braced for a slew of redundancies as the Catholic church attempts to streamline the organisation. As many as 40% of Anglican churches will be sold off to property developers, and the unemployment rate amongst organists is set to skyrocket. “It used to be a job for life” said one parson. “Get your feet under the pulpit, keep your hands off the parishioners and you’d be set . Now what? I might see if there’s any vacancies with the Kabbalists. They seem to be a faith that’s going places.”

The takeover will be formalised this Sunday, with Pope Benedict welcoming his new flock, tentatively named “Cathlicans”, during his address in St Peters’ Square. “I welcome all of my new flock into the arms of the Cathlican faith.” said the elderly ex-Nazi. “Pending due diligence to ensure none of them are sodomites, abortionists or johnny-jockeys, of course” he added.

Obama To Befriend Every Person In The US

2008-10-21T09:31:00.001+01:00

Presidential Candidate To Visit With Wine & Trivial Pursuit

Barack Obama’s push to move into the White House for four years went into overdrive last night as he began his quest to make friends with every man, woman and child in the United States. “Yes, even Hawaii” said Obama “Even if it means using up all my air miles.”

Neither presidential candidate is incumbent and as a result cannot rely on four years of misrule, sexual allegations or corruption to misrepresent. Many feel that this has forced the respective campaigns of McCain and Obama to focus on personalities rather than policies.

While McCain has focussed on the more traditional route of portraying his potential presidency as a benign avuncular regime with a hatred of abortion and a terrifying arsenal of nuclear persuaders, Obama his personalised his campaign by attempting to convince the US electorate that he is simply a regular, everyday guy with an unquenchable yearning for ultimate power.

Obama’s charm offensive, codenamed “Operation Buddy”, began just after midnight with the senator visiting the home of Chance Huxley, a cab driver from Minneapolis. Obama is said to have taken a six-pack of Coors and a copy of ‘Weird Science’ on DVD to the 47-year-old’s home. “He was a real nice guy” said Huxley after the senatorial visit. “We watched the movie, sunk back a few cool ones and he outlined his fiscal plan for underpinning medical insurance provision. I told him he could crash on the couch if he wanted but he said he’d call a cab. Even took his dead soldiers out to the recycling bin. A class act.”

Fitz Ebbsfleet, professor of politics at Knutsford University, said the senator’s campaign would do much to allay the doubts of middle-american voters. “The vast majority of the white US public have the low-grade level of bigotry standard in industrialised nations across the globe. It’s the type that would baulk at using racial epithets but would typically feel vague awkwardness in the presence of somebody of different ethnic origin. Obama’s campaign is therefore brilliant. Not only will these people be able to say that some of their best friends are black, the friend in question will be one of the most powerful men on the planet.”

Senator Obama gave no official statement on the new strand of his campaign, but speaking from a leaving party for Sandra Chipsfield, a recently retired postal clerk from Newhaven, he said “I just want to get to know the people of this great country. Anyway, who’s up for tequila shots? My round.”

“Bezz Fuggin Mate” Sighted Over Heathrow

2008-10-20T10:28:00.002+01:00

“They Made Me Phone My Ex Girlfriend” Said Dishevelled Pilot

Newly-released MOD files have revealed dozens of UFO sightings over Britain in the last twenty years reported by airline pilots and members of the public. One incident in 1991 records “Strange, bottle-shaped craft” being reported by pilot Sid Ebbsfleet on his approach to Heathrow. The encounter caused Ebbsfleet to fly the plane erratically and he believes the aliens used “mind-rays or something” on him as he attempted to land.

“I remember the day specifically as before we took off I’d had a blazing row with my girlfriend over things I definitely didn’t do with her sister. I’d spent a couple of hours in the airport bar, sipping just a diet coke and nothing else to calm myself down. As we were taking off I started to feel the effects of the alien’s mind control taking over as they forced me to argue with my co-pilot about who England’s best ever goalkeeper was.”

The strange phenomena continued throughout the flight, with passengers seeing Ebbsfleet stagger up and down the plane in search of the toilet, attempting to rouse them into a chorus of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. As the flight began its final descent into Heathrow, Ebbsfleet caught a glimpse of the craft that had been causing his mental disturbance.

“It was a weird, out-of-body sensation. It felt like I was actually huddled in the corner of the cockpit hugging a giant Toblerone rather than being sat in the pilot’s chair. As I looked out of the window I could see several small bottle-shaped craft whiz across my field of vision. I think they were trying to communicate with me via my co-pilot, but their translation technology must not be as advanced as they think, because it just sounded like he was calling me a drunken cock-end.”

Ebbsfleet‘s trauma continued even after he’d left the plane. “I think I angered the aliens with my resistance to their brain-manipulation because on my way out of Heathrow, they forced me to call my ex to call her a lying frigid bitch, fall over and throw up outside of Boots. It was a terrifying experience.”

Ebbsfleet’s encounter is just one of dozens listed in the MOD archives. These range from unusual light formations spotted in the sky to letters from people claiming to be stranded aliens. Swivel-eyed moron and Ufologist Dr Kenneth Knutsford claims “These files are dynamite and definite proof of alien contact. We are not alone. Well, I live in a bedsit, but you know what I mean.”

“Can We Have Those?” MOD Asks NI Family

2008-10-17T11:18:00.003+01:00

Buyer To Collect Gun Cache

After a stash of seventy guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition was found in a Belfast home, procurement officers for the British army have asked if they can buy them as a job lot. The weapons were discovered after their owner was believed to have taken his own life. His method of suicide has not yet been disclosed by pathologists but one spokesman told the press “Well how do you fucking well think he did it?”

The unnamed Belfast man was a well-known figure in Loyalist paramilitary circles and early indications suggest that he was unaware that the war against Republicans was over. “He was like them fellers you hear about in Burma” said one neighbour, whose affection for his kneecaps prompted him to remain anonymous. “While the rest of us were getting on with our lives pretending to like those dirty Fenian bastards, he was still holed up in his bungalow waiting for orders to attack the next legitimate target. Like a pub or something.”

The armaments are currently being held by local police, but it is believed that several regiments have started a bidding war for them. “Our brave lads in Iraq are seriously underquipped” said General Ebbsfleet of the 47th Queen’s Riflemen. “They often have to decide which unarmed civilian they’re going to shoot as they’re rationed to three bullets a day. Some have had to resort to enticing their targets toward the personnel carrier with clean drinking water or medical supplies before finishing them off with the butt of their gun.”

General Ebbsfleet believes the Northern Irish stash will leave his troops capable of administering muscular democracy with extreme prejudice for a further three months at a fraction of the cost. “Buying weapons through normal channels is prohibitively expensive. All those lavish lunches, luxurious holidays and envelopes stuffed with cash associated with securing military contracts don’t come for free. The cost is passed on to the regiment. In many cases, rather than shooting an entire family it can be cheaper to just buy their home and have them evicted.”

Gordon Brown hailed the gun haul as a victory in Labour’s continued fight against terrorism. “This is proof that the Peace Treaty continues to hold in the province. By taking those guns off the streets, we have made it safer for the average former paramilitary officers of Belfast to go about their daily business of drug dealing and racketeering. And by shooting himself in the head before the police arrived, as appears to have happened, this man has shown that people now know what will happen to them if they’re suspected of terrorist activities.”

Rhetoric “Equally Empty” In Presidential Debate

2008-10-16T12:03:00.002+01:00

Nothing To Separate Insincere Promises, Say Commentators

After the final televised debate of the US presidential campaign, opinion is divided as to who made the most convincing set of hollow proclamations. With voting in the election less than a month away, this was the two candidate’s last chance to woo voters with pledges to do things they have no intentions of actually doing. Senator McCain is behind in the polls and Senator Obama is seen by many as too inexperienced for the role of the world’s biggest bully, so both men had something to prove. However, by the end of the debate, neither candidate’s set of chin music was more deceptively plausible.

McCain started the debate by discussing one person in Ohio who might want to buy a small business, but might not. His advisors were originally going to start the debate with the opening hours of a mobile library in the outskirts of Des Moines. However, Republicans eventually felt that how Obama had dealt with the aspirations of an anonymous workman would show the public just how the Democrat candidate would cope at the helm of a country more powerful than Ming The Merciless on steroids.

Obama countered by suggesting that because McCain belonged to the same political party as Bush, moved in the same circles as Bush and had voted for the same policies as Bush, it might be possible that McCain could potentially be a similar president to Bush. The Republican countered this argument by pointing out key differences, such as their haircuts and which brand of ketchup they preferred.

But ultimately, there was no clear winner on the night, with neither side able to convince the majority of the public that the piss running down their leg was actually rain. It was left to the respective vice presidential candidates to give the US electorate something to choose between, with Democrat VP Joe Biden being described as “A lightweight loose cannon with a tendency to put their foot in their mouth” and Republican VP Sarah Palin described as “An absolute sodding lunatic. Have you looked into her eyes? You know what stares back at you? The fucking abyss, that’s what. Ever seen her walk past a mirror? No, didn’t think so.”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown

2008-10-15T11:03:00.001+01:00

“I Got Recession For You, If You Were Born In The 80s” Says PM

Amid a barrage of criticism about basically everything, Gordon Brown has hit back by calling Labour’s policies “A kitsch, ironic homage to the 80s. Anyone who doesn’t understand is just such a loser.” In an unprecedented move, the government have released an explanatory booklet entitled “Now That’s What I Call Governance” in which they attempt to link every manifest failure to icons of 1980s living. Key components include:

Unemployment: Harking back to the days of Coal Not Dole, the Government are introducing an employment scheme called “Labour’s Not Working: Redux.” It is hoped that as the unemployment figures pass the three million mark, this will inspire a new wave of great bands as it did in the 80s. If properly managed, Britain could have another UB40 on its hands, once more marking this country out as a centre of excellence for anaemic, gingerheaded cod-reggae.

Terrorism: While the Northern Irish Peace Treaty did potentially end hundreds of years of internecine bloodshed, it also left the public crying out for footage of people being bundled in the back of vans, hurried evacuations of shopping centres and the lengthy incarceration of innocent suspects. We’ve taken a great 80s idea – the bogeyman of violent terrorism – and updated it for the multicultural 21st century by slapping a turban on it. Also, by 2009, we intend to bring in a law demanding that any Muslim cleric appearing on the news has his voice overdubbed like we did with that bearded chap back in the day.

Iraq War: Erm, hello? The Falklands? How 80s was that? The Labour Party will not repeat mistakes made by the Tory government and is determined this time to have British soldiers killed pointlessly in a country that’s a lot warmer.

Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

“The last cabinet reshuffle was decided by a random sequence of colours generated by a game of Simon. And it’s clear that our financial policy of loading the economy with unsecured credit until it exploded was closely modelled on Buckaroo.”

“Just Shoot Suspects” PM Advises

2008-10-14T10:43:00.000+01:00

42-Day Detention Scrapped In Favour Of Summary Execution

After the House Of Lords quashed Labour plans to allow police to detain terror suspects for 42 days without charge, Gordon Brown has pledged to continue with the existing policy of emptying an entire pistol into their head. Labour’s counter-terrorism bill asked for the ability to hold terrified suspects for 6 weeks of nebulous threats without charging them with any crime as long as they passed the ‘Threshold test’ of being a bit mouthy, foreign-looking or an electrician.

But the bill was defeated by 191 votes in the House of Lords last night, with one senior peer stating “The existing detention period of 28 days is perfectly sufficient to exhaust standard investigative techniques. We do not believe a further 14 days is needed to piss in ocular cavities, force suspects to eat their own excrement or beat the soles of their feet with garden hose.”

While the political wrangling continues, the police have been told to carry on with their policy of dropping anybody they feel like with little or no evidence to suggest they’re dangerous. Chief Inspector Knutsford stated “Terrorists are wily creatures, with ways different to our own. They don’t need food or oxygen and can morph into the shape of a cat at will. Who can say how they plan to attack us next?”

Gordon Brown has vowed to continue fighting for the bill to be passed, and Labour will hold a version of it in reserve in case a terrorist emergency occurs. As one Labour spokesman said “Never know what’s round the corner, you get me? Look at that London Eye, for instance. It’d only take one nutter with a bomb and the whole thing would collapse like a mugged granny, yeah? Wait and see, my friend, wait and see…”

The PM stated “We are disappointed that this bill has been defeated and feel that the House of Lords may as well give Bin Laden a foot massage for all the help they’ve been. This government will not shirk its responsibilities when it comes to national security, especially at times like these, because while I’m talking to you now, you’re not even thinking about how fucked the economy is. Damn. You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you?”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show

2008-10-13T13:40:00.003+01:00

“Parents? Dead? Dead Parents?” New Catchphrase

Following the success of last night’s “Britain’s Got The Pop Factor”, Peter Kay’s next mockumentary is believed to be an hysterical send-up on the plight of war orphans called “Who’s Your Daddy? And Does He Dance Like This At Weddings?”. The show will feature Britain’s best-loved parental Christmas gift idea as Stan Hubris, an inept charity worker sent to a Rwandan orphanage with hilarious results.

“Peter’s comedy as all about inclusiveness” said Kay’s press officer Chorley Ebbsfleet. “Whether he’s laughing at the disableds or the funny way Chinese people talk, there’s no victims in his comedy. If you don’t include the people who bought that last live DVD of his that didn’t feature any new jokes, of course.”

“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people with lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.”

Speaking from the offices of his production company, whose logo is a hand being bitten by a mouth it’s trying to feed, Ebbsfleet gave a few hints as to what Kay’s legion of fans can expect to mindlessly keen in front of next year. “Peter’s this really stupid bloke, right, and he’s got a mate who’s even more stupid! They’re sent to work in Rwanda, so there’s lots of scope for culture clash comedy – why they don’t serve Panda Pops and the like – and the show finishes with Peter singing “Two Little Boys” to a row of quadriplegic sad kids. We expect to get the single out before Christmas, of course. We’re not stupid.”

Kay himself was unavailable for a full interview, but did say to reporters “Diminishing? Returns? Returns that diminish?”

David Dimbleby To Host MTV Awards

2008-10-03T10:09:00.002+01:00

“Double D Shouts Out To All His Niggas” Says Broadcaster

After Will Young was invited to appear on BBC’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has been named as the presenter for this year’s European MTV Awards. During the show, the 69-year-old is expected to sing a specially-written duet with Snoop Dogg entitled “Suck My PPE Degree, Bizzle.”

It is the first time the political correspondent has appeared at the MTV awards ceremony and his agent said Dimbleby is “Very excited at the opprtunity to quiz The Kooks on their views on overseas development, question The Jonas Brothers on middle-east affairs and get a really good look at Girls Alouds’ rabbits up close.”

The move was sparked after housewives’ favourite singing chin Will Young was invited as a guest on Question Time by producer Gill Penlington. Young stated he was a fan of the show during an interview for Radio 5. “I started screaming and running around the house as soon as I heard” said Penlington.

“I’ve thought he was well lush since he was on Pop Idol and I voted for him 27 times so that skanky Gareth Gates wouldn’t win. He looks like a clockwork hedgehog and I hate him. I called all my mates and told them what he’d said and they were dead jealous. Kirsty Wark reckoned I was lying but that’s just ‘cos everyone found out about the time David Miliband fingered her in the conference room at Chequers.”

Young is set to appear on Question Time in December, alongside Shami Chakrabarti, Will Self, John Sergeant and Duffy. Meanwhile, MTV producers are trumpeting Dimbleby’s participation as “A real coup for the music channel. We want to show that pop music deserves the same pomp and gravitas given to other art forms such as classical music and opera. An experienced hand like Dimbleby will certainly bring that to the show as he announces such awards as “Best Hotpants In A Video”, “Best Use Of The Phrase ‘Da Club’” and “Outstanding Achievement In Pissing On A 14-Year-Old”.

University Students ‘Forced To Know Stuff’

2008-10-02T10:44:00.005+01:00

Knowledge-Based Initiations ‘Cruel’, Say NUS

Several universities are under investigation after allegations were made by former students that they were to take part in bizarre and degrading initiation rites. Amongst the allegations are claims that before being allowed entry into some universities, students were made to “Display the ability to comprehend complex concepts” and “Show understanding of a particular topic through properly-structured essays and reports.”

One secretly-filmed video, believed to be an entrance interview for Trinity College Cambridge, shows an elderly man subjecting a young female student to a barrage of humiliating questions. The fifteen-minute clip shows a university professor repeatedly asking the unnamed student about her aptitude to study English literature, her knowledge of Chaucer and Shakespeare and her understanding of post-structuralist theory. At one point, the leering don is heard asking the clearly-shaken student to show him her A level results.

NUS spokesman Bradley Ebbsfleet said “Some of the reports we’ve heard are horrific. One Durham student was forced into a room with 35 other students, where they were locked in for over two hours. They weren’t allowed to leave until they’d written 4,000 words on The Council Of Trent, including citations. When one of them complained that he’d planned to spend the day fucking around in Starbucks, he was told he’d be kicked off the course if he refused.”

The initiation rituals, known as ‘examining’, are believed to be spreading to universities across the country, according to Ebbsfleet. “Students just want to fit in and be part of a group. It used to be the case that an undergraduate could do that by simply drinking cider all day and making their hair look like a bungled gorilla abortion. But in many universities, students risk not completing GTA IV because they’re forced to read lots of books, do research and - in extreme cases – reach independent conclusions on subject matters based on logic and reasoning.”

The rise of ‘examining’ students is a throwback to twenty years ago, when the practise was commonplace on campus, according to Ebbsfleet. “In those days, a university would think nothing of forcing a student to go to over 20 hours of lectures a week and would punish anybody that failed to show a good grasp of their subject matter by giving them a low final mark. This used to be known as ‘grading’.”
Ebbsfleet has called for a ban on these practises and has warned all students to be careful when choosing a university. “It’s easy to tell students that have been the victim of ‘grading’ rites” said Ebbsfleet “As they are the students that actually know what they’re talking about on a given subject and look vaguely employable."

God Blamed For Cutty Sark Fire

2008-10-01T11:12:00.003+01:00

More Car Chases In Bible “Would Have Averted Tragedy”

The investigation into the £10M blaze at the Cutty Sark has found that The Lord God Almighty, Omniscient Creator Of The Universe & Smiter Of Sodomites was to blame. The fire started after a security guard at the site fell asleep whilst reading the Bible and failed to notice that a faulty hoover (also thought to be part of God’s wondrous creation) had burst into flames.

It is believed he was attempting to plough through a particularly tedious section of Corinthians involving a lot of begatting and lists of things God forbade Jehosaphat to eat. These include “Beasts that layeth in pastures 2,000 feet above sea level, the fleshy parts of smaller woodland creatures and any seafood restaurants abroad, really.”

Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “The fire started around 4am in the cargo hold after an industrial hoover had been left running for two days. The builders working on the site said the off switch the hoover required was in their mate Gary’s van and they couldn’t get it until after the weekend.”

“There were two guards on duty that night, one of whom was on a tea break when the conflagration commenced. We are aware of the stupendous level of irony in a tea clipper burning to the ground because of this. However, we believe the other guard would have been awake to smell the fire starting had the holy word of the Lord not been so buttock-clenchingly dull.”

Ebbsfleet believes major changes are needed in the Bible to avert future tragedies of this nature. “Like it or not, people or always going to want to read the Bible, and while the general public might find such behaviour abhorrent, we should try and make it as safe as possible.” The Chief Inspector has suggested a complete overhaul of the good book, reducing it to a pacier 250 pages, a greater focus on “Floods and brimstone and other cool stuff” and a possible rewrite by Dan Brown to “Sex the whole thing up a bit.”

Meanwhile, police are currently interviewing various demigods to establish the whereabouts of the Lord Our Saviour. “Several minor deities, including Vayu, Hypnos and Qed-Her, are being questioned at this time. We would ask the public that if they see God in the street, they should not approach him. They should instead contact their local psychiatrist immediately.”

Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

2008-09-30T10:43:00.003+01:00

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”

News Round Up

2008-09-29T10:26:00.003+01:00

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Fat Man Sues Tesco Over Exercise DVD
“No Respect For My Life Of Gluttonous Sloth” Says Fired Behemoth

43-year-old shelf stacker Brian Ebbsfleet is set to sue his former employer Tesco after they insisted he handle workout DVDs as part of his job. “It’s against my what-do-you-call-‘em? Human rights, innit?” claims Ebbsfleet.

The 23-stone former employee was fired last month for ‘gross misconduct’ but Ebbsfleet insists Tesco victimised him due to his beliefs. “I’ve always maintained that a life of inertia and inactivity is, you know, good and that. I’ve never been to the gym in my life and I get taxis everywhere. I save my energy for higher thoughts and stuff, don’t I? So when my boss asked me to move that box of ‘Hollyoaks Workout’ DVDs, he was mocking me, right? So I want my payout, in cash if possible.”

Tesco person Jane Knutsford stated “Tesco embrace diversity and we are proud of our record of employing staff from every background, race, religion and disability. Mr Ebbsfleet’s contract was terminated after repeated warnings for inappropriate behaviour. This included taking magazines into the toilets for ‘dirty tea breaks’, stealing doughnuts and calling his line manager a ‘ponce’.”

Incredibly Expensive Cars ‘Cool’ Says Survey
Consumers Want Unimaginably Lavish Products, Says Coolbrand

In a survey conducted by Coolbrand into the screamingly obvious, Aston Martin has come top in a list of desirable brands. “This is quite a shock” said Coolbrand person Pegs Intray. “When we did the survey, we were expecting the most aspirational brand to be Kiwi boot polish or Ldl. So when it came back that the brand of product people liked most were the manufacturers of £150,000 sports cars that James Bond drives, that was a surprise.”

Intray went on to say “Aston Martin has always had the air of sophistication, innovation and engineering excellence. But I think what has moved it to the top of our survey is that they make cars that go like coke up a supermodel’s nose and could make a statue of Queen Victoria gush fanny batter.”

With other brands in the top twenty including Rolex, Dom Perignon and Nike, Intray stated “It’s obvious from our findings that British consumers basically want to live their entire lives in a Jaz Z video, rather than their asbestos-ridden council prole holes.”

Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
“Jammy, Jammy, Jammy Fucking Jammy Bastard” Says Hollywood Insider

After his marriage to one-woman wank factory Scarlett Johansson was confirmed by publicists, Ryan Reynolds has been dubbed “The flukiest, most undeserving git on two legs” by Hollywood columnist Jinks Firetrap.

The two were recently wed at a simple service near Vancouver, as according to hotel staff “Mr Reynolds didn’t want the usual media circus for his wedding as this would delay the point at which he could take his missus back to the honeymoon suite and sauce her something rotten.”

Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Firetrap concedes that Reynolds’ good fortune is a recent phenomenon, however. “Not so long ago, he was hitched to Alanis Morrisette. Imagine that screeching at you when you’re hungover. No thanks.”

Shite Christmas Predicted

2008-09-26T10:05:00.003+01:00

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’

2008-09-24T14:04:00.003+01:00

Mayor Backs 2013 ‘City Of Jizz’ Application

London mayor Boris Johnson has promised Londoners blanket WiFi coverage in a bid to have the capital’s populace “Wanking like a bunch of caged monkeys” during an interview with BBC London Radio.

Asked to speak about the technological challenges facing London, Johnson said “Mankind’s intellectual and scientific development can be measured by our ability to access really high-quality grot. For instance, before the invention of the printing press, only those monk chappies could get their hands on woodcuts of maids with their charlies out. But by the use of movable type, Gutenberg democratised bongo for everyone.”

“By installing WiFi coverage across London, it shows us for the forward thinking, cutting edge city we are. It will send a message out across the world that our citizens are second to none in their ability to download scenes of Belgian stippling, clown rinsing and three-way dirty octopus action.”

Johnson believes that blanket WiFi coverage will help the capital’s bid to be named European City Of Jizz for 2013. The main contenders for the honour are Amsterdam, Berlin and Paris, with outsiders The Vatican City also believed to be making a bid.

London organisers have already drawn up a prospective timetable of events, including a wheelbarrow version of the marathon, the opening of “The Museum Of Anal Play” and a spectacular open-air bukkake porn shoot in Regent’s Park. The year-long celebrations would culminate on New Year’s Eve with confetti being fired from aeroplanes across the capital in what organisers describe as “The world’s biggest ever money shot.”

Reaction to the mayor’s plans were mainly positive, with one London cab driver commenting “As it stands, I have to wait until the missus goes to the shops before I can have a right good look at Dutch birds having things stuffed into them. But with internet access across London, I could carry on stirring my hairy cuppa while driving customers about. Marvellous.”

However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

Juror Shot In Menezes Trial

2008-09-23T09:38:00.003+01:00

“She Looked A Bit Jihad-y” Says Met Spokesman

A female juror has been shot and killed during a reconstruction of the last moments of Jean Charles de Menezes for the inquest into his death. While the juror’s identity has yet to be made public, police person Inspector Jack Ebbsfleet has described her as “In her mid-thirties, sort of an Arab-y, Asian-y colour and well dodgy-looking.”

The jury charged with the duty of exonorating the police of any blame and awarding the Menezes family a desultory payout were taken to Stockwell station to recreate the circumstances surrounding the shooting. For added realism, female jurors were asked to swipe their handbag over the Oyster card reader several times before taking their card out while male jurors stand behind them, impatiently tutting to themselves.

As the jurors boarded the escalator to take them to the platform where Menezes died, a police escort is thought to have suddenly screamed “Look out! It’s a detonator!” before pumping twelve rounds of hot metal death into the brainpan of the female juror, who was later discovered to be holding a half-opened can of Fanta.

Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “It is a tragedy that once again, our brave officers have been put through this kind of trauma. I can assure the public they will be on full paid sickness leave until they feel ready to bust caps into the asses of passers-by.” When asked for details about the dead female juror, he replied “We can confirm that she spoke with a funny accent and had one of those gaudy tissue boxes in the rear window of her car. Couldn’t pronounce her ‘W’s. You know the type.”

Electrician Menezes was shot in 2005 by armed police while on his way to work, resulting in Elsie Knutsford of Penge being given possibly the least believable excuse ever for a cancelled workman’s appointment. At the time of his shooting, police blamed “Procedural errors” and the fact that Menezes chose to run away from two plain clothes men waving guns at him and screaming that they were going to shoot him.

The trial was due to take twelve weeks, but this may be extended to give the courts time to find another juror not frightened of being cut down like Peter Weller in Robocop.

48 serving police officers giving evidence in the trial have been granted anonymity, as it is believed that many of them are black, Asian or female. One police witness stated “It’s a good week at work when I don’t find a fresh turd in the shape of a swastika in my locker as it is. If my name was published, I might as well throw myself down a set of stairs.”

News Round Up

2008-09-22T12:02:00.003+01:00

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

George Michael Apologises For Wham
“I Clearly Need Help” Says Club Tropicana Singer

George Michael held a hastily-arranged press conference this morning to publicly apologise for his many years of music abuse. “I’ve screwed up, over and over and over and over again” said the tearful star. “From Wham Rap, through Careless Whisper to that one about George Bush that nobody bought, I’ve taken advantage of my fan’s trust to release inspid singles onto an undeserving public.”

Many music insiders feel that patience is wearing thin for the strangely-bearded singer and that his apology might be too little too late. Chips Ebbsfleet of music website Tune A Sandwich said “I think in the 80’s people were a lot more forgiving. Sure, Michael did a hell of a lot of gaudy, poorly-written pop but everyone was doing it at the time.”

The singer is expected to check into a songwriting clinic to “Rid myself of my many demons – limp funk, 5th-form poetry and pretensions to proper soul music.” At time of press, Andrew Ridgely was unavailable for comment. “His shift doesn’t start until 3pm, mate.” explained the manager of A1 Minicabs.

Britain ‘Flooded With Worthless Pound Coins’
‘All Of Them Buy Precisely Tits-All’ Says Royal Mint

The Bank Of England has warned consumers that every pound coin in circulation in Britain is basically just a round bit of scrap metal. “The problem started several months ago when the economy screwed the pooch in spectacular style” said Mint person Tasty Knutsford. “People were confusing them with the South African 5 Rand coin. Not so much because they look the same as because they’ve become worth the same.”

Knutsford continued “The worthless pound coins are very easy to identify. If it’s got “One Pound” written on one side and a picture of the Queen looking smug because she’s still worth a fucking fortune on the other side, then you’ve got yourself one of the worthless ones. You may as well toss them into a wishing well and pray for a topless bird to appear driving an Aston Martin for all the use they are.”

British Telecom ‘Can Fuck Off’ Says Customer

‘No, Really Right Fucking Off’ Customer Adds

After failing to resolve the simplest of faults on a telephone line after two months, a BT customer has stated that “British Telecom can take all their absent engineers, gormless call centre staff, shit technology, woeful customer service skills and fling them all at a shit-covered threshing machine.” They went on to add “And you can include that gormless cunt in their adverts, too.”

After reporting a poor connection on their telephone line two bastard months ago, the BT customer, who wishes to remain nameless, has yet to have the fault rectified. “I use the phone line for broadband to update a daily satirical blog I write” the anonymous customer explained “But thanks to the phone line BT have provided me with, I’d be quicker tattooing the words onto a fucking carrier pigeon to get the job done.”

Excuses for not carrying out the repair works have ranged from “A system failure in our engineer booking department” & “A previously undiagnosed exchange fault” to “The incorrect alignment of Jupiter and Pluto” & “Running out of phone wire stuff.” Despite this, BT have called the customer an average of every three times a week to tell him the line has been fixed.

“Fixed, is it?” the complainant responded. “So whenever I pick up the phone, I meant to hear the sound of The Jesus & Mary Chain frying bacon, am I?” In an attempt to reach a resolution, the anonymous customer will suggest to BT that he’ll pay his bill when they learn to whistle The Star Spangled Banner out of their arse. The useless horde of cunts.

Forbes Release Top 400 Greedy Swine List

2008-09-19T11:07:00.002+01:00

“I Could Buy You All” Plutocrat Tells Press Conference

Forbes magazine has released its annual Top 400 Rich List in the midst of a global economic meltdown today, and a surprise entry at 387 was Edna Ebbsfleet, a retired dinner lady from Knutsford. “Eeeh, I’ve never been on any list, me” said Ebbsfleet, adding “I’m 87, you know.” Ebbsfleet’s appearance on the list was due to the £356.27 she has saved in her Post Office account.

Economic expert Ting Fanshaw explained “Mrs Ebbsfleet’s fortune has been built on a sound fiscal model of placing £5 in her savings every pension day. She’s shrewdly avoided the whole sub-prime market and it’s clearly paid dividends.” Mrs Ebbsfleet’s joy at appearing in the Forbes list was short-lived, however, as newspaper columnists quickly condemned her for not sharing her wealth with those more in need.

“It’s disgusting that a grasping old crone like that can sit on her nest-egg while our boys in Iraq can’t even afford straight bullets” said unhinged journo Richard Littlejohn. “Gordon Brown promised a fairer society when he wasn’t elected to number 10, but people like Mrs Ebbsfleet can still sit back and watch the interest on their wealth grow by pennies every year. Oh, and foreigners and poofs are disgusting, in case I hadn’t mentioned it.”

Despite Ebbsfleet’s appearance, the top end of the Forbes list was still dominated by multibillionaires, with Bill Gates featuring at number one with an estimated fortune of $57 billion. Gates recently asked Microsoft advisors “What is this recession thing they keep talking about on the news? Is it a type of cheese? Can you run Windows on it? Can I buy one?”

The number three spot was taken by Hamilton Croesus III, whose personal fortune is an estimated $47B billion. The Croesus family fortune was started in 1848 with “Old Pa’s Slave Emporium”, based in Mississippi. The shop sold items such as the “Old Stripey” whip for the slave trade. They became famous for their slogan “Emancipate Yourself From Troublesome Negras”.

Today, the Croesus business portfolio has diversified into less controversial areas such as the arms industry, South American logging and representing Premier League footballers. At the Forbes press conference, Hamilton Croesus told reporters “Who the hell do you people think you’re looking at? I could have you shot, you know.” When asked his opinion about the current global recession, he replied “We’re all feeling the pinch, my boy. Why, only last week my Lear jet was clean out of ’57 Montrachet.”

Doctors To Research “All Kinds Of Spooky Shit”

2008-09-18T10:22:00.002+01:00

Three-Year Study Into Absolute Bollocks To Cost £25M

A national study into near-death experiences in heart attack patients, practical uses of voodoo and haunted hospital rooms “Where loads of patients have died, like, mysteriously and stuff” is to start next month.

The research project is coordinated by Southampton University in a bid to underline their standing as a centre for educational mediocrity and is to be funded by the NHS, direct from your pay packet, in lieu of doing something silly like giving people cancer medication.

The research is being led by Dr Sam Parnia, whose address is Southampton University, University Road, Southampton SO17 1BJ should anybody feel like sending him a letter, written in their own excrement, asking what the Christ he’s playing at. It is to take place in several UK hospitals, as well as nine in the US who at least have the excuse of not knowing any better.

Dr Parnia explained “In resuscitation rooms, we’re placing images on high shelves that can only be observed from the ceiling to test people’s claims of out-of-body experiences” whilst managing to keep a straight face only by an effort of Herculean proportions.

Other methods being employed to test claims of near-death experiences include asking patients to cross their heart and hope to die, measuring combustion levels of their pants and asking “A liar says what?” to see if the patients reply “What?” Dr Parnia has no plans to tell patients to get a fucking grip of themselves, stop talking such nonsense and be glad that proper, actual science has saved their lives as he feels “This will not produce the necessary kind of data to justify my enormous research grant.”

Some people suffering from heart attacks report seeing a tunnel or bright light, as well as looking down from above at the medical staff treating them. Parnia’s research team have decided not to investigate the monumentally higher number of patients who report crippling chest pains, shortness of breath and collapsing into a heap. “What’s spooky about that?”, as Dr Parnia explained.

As well as near-death experiences, the study will look into other unexplained phenomena with assistance from egregious liar Derek Acorah. “Mr Acorah is a recognised authority on paranormal activity” explained Dr Parnia “Not least of which the uncanny, inexplicable occurrence of an unconvincing shyster parlaying fraudulent psychic powers into a lucrative career.”

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive

2008-09-17T10:48:00.004+01:00

‘Unbelievers Must Be Purified’ Says Royal Society Inquisitor General

After suggesting that it might not be a bad idea to put the theory of Creationism into some kind of scientific context, Professor Michael Reiss is to be burned at the stake outside Greenwich’s Royal Observatory this Sunday.

Professor Reiss, formerly the Society’s Director Of Education, was giving a talk in Liverpool when the damaging comments were made. “The goal of science is not merely the pursuit of truth” Reiss said “But also the dissemination of our findings. Many children are raised in households that believe in Creationism rather than the Evolutionary model."

“If the subject is raised in the classroom, it might be a good opportunity to discuss the issue and try to show that Evolution presents a more scientifically sound explanation than God and dust and nostrils and all that.”

Reiss’ speech was cut short, however, when three Cardinals from the Royal Society’s ‘Council Of The Suprema’ burst into the room and shouted “Nobody expects the Rational Thought Inquisition!!!” The Professor was then bundled into a car and taken to the Society’s “Re-Education Centre”, believed to be located in the bowels of the London Science Museum.

Albert Ebbsfleet, a leading Calificadore for the Royal Society, explained “Any heterodoxy must be purged from the masses until the shining, pure truth of rationalism cleanses their minds of unscientific thought. So it is written in the book of New Scientist.”

“We have been investigating Professor Reiss for some time and this is simply the latest act of scientific heresy.” Ebbsfleet listed a number of scientific offences allegedly committed Reiss, including touching wood for luck, crossing his fingers and saying hello to magpies.

The professor is due to be dragged in chains through the streets of Greenwich this Sunday, where mobs of empiricist fundamentalists are expected to pelt him with copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”. He will then be tied to a stake outside the Royal Observatory and burnt alive.

Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

Lehman Redundancies ‘Funny As Fuck’

2008-09-16T11:18:00.003+01:00

“WoooHahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Says Expert

The sudden redundancies of 5,000 traders, fund managers and financiers at Lehman Brothers Bank has been dubbed “The single most hilarious thing I’ve seen on the news in years” by economist Connaught Ebbsfleet.

Ebbsfleet, a professor at Knutsford University, states that while the bank’s collapse could have far-reaching implications for the world economy, it may also replace Del Boy falling through that trap door as Britain’s favourite comedy clip. “Some of them were actually crying as they left the office with their pot plants under their arms. Classic, absolutely classic.”

Viewing footage of bewildered city workers, whose company BMWs were taken off them, standing in a confused manner at bus stops trying to figure out how public transport actually works, Ebbsfleet commented “The only pity is that Lehman Brothers didn’t get sufficient warning that the sackings were going to take place. Not to implement some kind of structured rationalisation or anything like that. I just reckon they could have made a bit of quick money selling tickets for the exit interviews.”

Ebbsfleet estimates that at £10 a ticket, Lehman Brothers could have recouped £1.5M by allowing the public to sit and watch each smug, greedy, suit full of fuck-all being given the boot. “Imagine it” said Ebbsfleet “Sitting there with a box of popcorn and a sloppy grin plastered over your face as yet another blank-eyed public school monstrosity is told that his second home in the Dordogne is right out of the frigging window. They’d have to Scotchguard the carpets against fountains of hilarity-induced piss.”

The Isle Of Dogs Jobcentre has prepared itself by ensuring their coffee machine can dispense skinny mocha lattes and there are plans to add a sushi bar. Given the sudden influx onto the job market of city workers, Ebbsfleet gave some suggestions as to how they may be gainfully employed. “I think they should continue in their commitment to the companies they gambled away other people’s money on. Maybe they could go diamond mining in Liberia? Nike need more sweatshop drones and given the high mortality rate of the work, Brazilian tree-fellers are always in demand. They pumped billions into these companies, so maybe they should go out there and die of exhaustion and/or malaria if they thought they were such great organisations.”

Vampire Alerts Plan Launched

2008-09-15T12:28:00.003+01:00

“We Need Protection From Denizens Of The Night” Says Blithering Moron

A pilot police scheme is being launched in Cleveland, Hampshire & Whitby allowing concerned parents to ask whether a friend, neighbour or strangely-accented occupant of a nearby castle is a soulless demon driven by a relentless thirst for blood.

Under the scheme, popularly titled “Van Helsing’s Law”, police authorities will be authorised to inform local families, innkeepers and peasant farmers whether somebody with access to their comely virgins has previous convictions for vampirism.

Calls for the scheme came from the high-profile murder of Wilhemina Murray, who was abducted and killed by serial bloodsucker Prince Vlad of Wallachia. Vlad gained the trust of the Murray family by posing as a Romanian violin teacher and the Murrays have campaigned ever since for increased information sharing by looking upset outside Parliament, conducting interviews entitled “My Pain” in hypocritically voyeuristic tabloids and saying “See? It’s happened again” every time a similar crime occurs.

The new powers begin in three days’ time when the moon shall brood gibbous in a storm-tossed sky. A typical scenario could see a concerned, potbellied innkeeper worried that his busty young daughter has stopped flirting innocently with the regulars, has become pale & withdrawn and whispers “My master calls to me” when the howling of wolves is heard. In such a situation, the innkeeper could ask the police to consult their database to see if the new master of the castle is on the Succubi Register.

But some are concerned that the new law could drive vampires further underground. “The registered undead might be currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and prescription plasma to stop them re-offending. But if their nocturnal proclivities become common knowledge, they could easily transform into a horde of bats and disappear into the night” said expert person Ebbsfleet Harker.

There are also worries that the new powers might increase vigilante attacks. “When a similar law was trialled in Budapest” said Harker “Police had to deal with a number of pitchfork-wielding mobs storming perfectly innocent castles and impaling the inhabitants. In one instance, they even killed a haematologist called Val Pyre in a case of mistaken identity.”

But the Murray family are adamant that the implementation of ‘Van Helsing’s Law’ is a step in the right direction. “It’s a start, but more is needed to protect our voluptuous milkmaids and serving girls. We want to see all vampires undergo chemical castration using garlic injections and to allow the police to use holy water against repeat offenders. Nothing can bring our little Wilhelmina back, but if our campaign continues to allow us to use our grief as a stick to beat everyone else over the head with, then that’s something.”

Government ‘Powerless To Stop Energy Firms Acting The Cunt’

2008-09-12T10:25:00.002+01:00

“We’re Getting Our Wedge And That’s That” Says Eon Chief Exec

Following the government’s industry-financed package to help ease fuel costs for low-income families, Business Secretary John Hutton has admitted “Our hands are tied if energy suppliers take it upon themselves to recoup their losses in an arbitrary, unusual or unreasonable manner. Essentially, they’re going to squeeze you for cash until your cock bleeds and there’s sod all we can do about it. Sorry.”

The government’s plan to assist poor households included filling their walls with old newspapers, giving them those lightbulbs that take six hours to get bright and having somebody pop round once a day in shorts and a t-shirt saying “Blimey, I’m sweating cobs, me. You’ve not got your heating on, have you?”

The scheme, costing £910M, is to be financed by the major UK energy suppliers. After the meeting where the deal was finalised, Eon Chief Executive Paul Golby was quoted as saying “Over the past five years, Eon has shown its dedication to sustainable energy resources, streamlining service delivery and sponsoring local partnerships.”

“But our key focus is to keep whacking our prices up to the point where if you light your fag off the cooker ring, the gas used will cost more than the fag smoked. Mr Hutton has just bent me over his desk and rimmed £910M large out of me. Do you think I’m going to take it out on our customers? Do you? What do you fucking well think?”

Shortly after signing up to the fuel assistance scheme, Eon announced it would be exploring new methods in debt management, due to start next month. They are to include:

Waiting for elderly customers to return to their house on pension day, blocking their front door and saying “Looking pretty flush there, granny, aren’t we? Why don’t we both go inside, you stick the kettle on and we’ll talk about this bill of yours, sweetheart, eh?”

Tracking customers down to their local pub, standing next to them at the bar and demanding that they buy everyone in the pub a drink as ”You’ve clearly got money to throw around the gaff, ain’t you? Or you could settle your score with Eon and stop mugging us off, you fucking ponce.”

Sending bill reminders that contain covert photographs of the bill-payer’s children with the message “Lovely girl, your daughter. Must be coming up to sixteen soon, right? Grow up so quick, they do. She could pass for – what – eighteen? Nineteen? Not a court in the land would convict you, mate. Now when people owe us money, the court’s in our pocket. Anyway, think on. All the best, your friend Eon.”

US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death

2008-09-11T12:59:00.002+01:00

Ritual Slaughter Of Foreigners “Part Of Healing Process” Says Mayor

As part of the memorial service for the seventh anniversary of 9/11, officials in New York are to round up seven vaguely Arabic-looking homeless men and allow widows of the tragedy to shoe them to death.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg explained “The wounds caused by this terrorist atrocity are still very fresh in the minds of New Yorkers. Every day, we look up to the skyline and see two great monuments to the American dream are missing. And every day, we look down onto the sidewalk and see a heap of swarthy looking A-rabs walking around the place laughing at us.”

“Today is a day for saying ‘Fuck you, Johnny Iraq. We run this goddam planet and here’s a dose of all-American size 12s in the nuts for a reminder.”

The ceremony, due to take place at Ground Zero next to remnants of crushed filing cabinet and unidentified stockbroker teeth, will see the seven terrified, innocent immigrants tied to flagpoles flying the stars and stripes. The Jonas Brothers, America’s latest horrifying fundamentalist teen sensations, will sing a mournful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.

Then, as the sun slowly sets over the Hudson river, 47 screeching widows will rip lumps out of the blameless wretches, mouthing incoherent xenophobia and flinging gobbets of warm middle-eastern flesh into the baying crowd.

The ritual slaughter is just one of the many events planned in New York. As the traditional gift for the seventh anniversary is wool or copper, officials will also free 911 sheep into the streets of the city and give locals lengths of piping to bludgeon them to death with.

A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

New York resident Minsky Ebbsfleet said “We took a hell of a licking seven years ago, yessiree. But we wanna show the world that there ain’t no brown in the Big Apple.”

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling

2008-09-10T10:15:00.003+01:00

Five Years Of Economic Misery ‘Cleansing’ Says Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling has defended the UK’s nosedive into a financial dungheap by saying it will “Rid this fine country of the many, many people that hold us back from greatness.”

Launching his new financial initiative, entitled “Less Moaning Bastards For A Better Britain”, Darling stated “Our economy has blossomed under a Labour government, leading to the best standard of living this country has ever seen. An Xbox in every bedroom and an iPod in every pocket, to paraphrase Herbert Hoover.”

“However, economic models throughout the ages have followed the Hegelian model of thesis, antithesis and synthesis. Or to put it another way, we’ve had it sweet for a while, so now we’re up shit street without an A-Z.”

Listing the key areas in which the economy has crashed like a drunken, texting lorry driver into a bus queue, Darling outlined how this will improve the country as a whole:

Property Market: “The general trend has been for a steady rise in property values across the UK. While this has led to increased financial security for many families, it has also led to endless, tedious bastard conversations about how much the nominal value on a chosen heap of masonry has increased over twelve months. Jesus, I’d rather talk about goat farming.”

“And then there’s estate agents. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fuckfucks. A slump in the housing market will realign the public’s perception of what a house is actually for – it’s somewhere to fall into after the pubs have shut.”

Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

“But the average age of the UK’s population currently stands at 78. Skyrocketing gas bills combined with a really cold snap round about February will ease the nation’s hospital, pension and cat food burden immeasurably.”

Petrol Prices: “As mentioned above, I really don’t want to wake up in a ditch somewhere with my knees broken and my head on fire, so whatever they want to charge for petrol is fine by me, as long as they leave my bollocks unchewed.”

“But if a litre of petrol eventually costs more than a bottle of 30-year-old single malt whiskey, it will mean that unbearable turds zooming around in their Range Rovers will disappear overnight. And it will piss that Clarkson feller off no end, which can’t be a bad thing.”

Food Bills: “Most of you are too fucking fat anyway. Simple as.”

Darling’s economic strategy has been hailed by financial experts, with one saying “Politics has been dubbed ‘the art of the possible’ but Darling has shown it’s really the art of being a pragmatic, heartless prick.”

Scientists To Prove Existence Of Stupidity By Firing Information At Idiots

2008-09-09T10:06:00.004+01:00

“Grand Unified Theory Of Durrr A Possibility” Says Boffin

When the Large Hadron Collider is switched on in Switzerland tomorrow, researchers are hoping to prove that when complex concepts of a high enough density are fired at incredible speeds at drooling slackjaws, the previous theories of mass dimwittedness can finally be proven.

“It’s an exciting time in the scientific community” said boffin Ted Boffin. “For decades we’ve theorised about the existence of some overarching law of flatheadedness. Over the past few years we have been firing increasingly taxing levels of astrophysical jargon at the general public using what we call a “Scientific Article Accelerator”. On Wednesday we hope to reach critical speeds to peer into the very heart of stupidity itself.”

Some commentators are concerned that the experiment could possibly create a “Kyle Hole”, a point in the universe of infinitesimal size and immeasurable idiocy from which no rational thought, reasoned debate, culture or intellect can escape.

“It’s a very real concern” said science person Cain Ebbsfleet. “There is a marginal but nonetheless possible chance that the accelerator might create a Kyle Hole deep in the mountains of Switzerland.”

At first, no effect will be noticed, but within a few days, the Swiss will show a noticeable upturn in the amount of novelty ringtones downloaded onto phones, says Cain. After just a couple of weeks, most of mainland Europe will barely be able to read without moving their lips. And by the end of September? “The whole planet will be engulfed by people unable to tie their own shoes, pounding their fists against the laces grunting ‘Make foot clothes go tight! Nnnggh!’. The end of thought as we know it.”

Boffin remains upbeat, however. “In all probability, the experiment will be unsuccessful. We might isolate the particle that makes people buy The Daily Mail, but these doomsday scenarios are highly unlikely.”

The schedule for the LHC experiment tomorrow is as follows:

9:00: Scientists arrive at lab.

9:30: Having made coffee and had their morning dump, the massive computers powering the LHC are initiated.

10:30: Scientists finish using computers to check their Facebook and Hotmail.

11:45: The LHC is cooled to -271 degrees. The temperature is confirmed by placing a Geordie into the collider and seeing if he puts on his coat.

12:30: The mob of pitchfork-wielding villagers are shooed away from the doors after their protests that “You meddle in things not meant for man to know.” are dismissed as the result of stray dimwit particles from the equipment.

13:00: A copy of The New Scientist is accelerated to nearly the speed of light before being fired at a minicab driver. The trails of buffoon energy will then be analysed by researchers.