News & Horoscopes

Underground To Be Run By Mice

Following news that London Underground is set to lose 1,000 jobs, TFL bosses have outlined their plans for the District, Northern and Circle lines to be run by mice. In the new staffing proposals, all ticket inspections, train driving and public announcements are to be undertaken by the two-inch rodents that currently infest the system.

“Most of the traffic into central London during peak hours used to consist of bank workers but following the recent economic embolism, they’re all sat in their multimillion pound homes, living off their massive savings and waiting the storm out. Despite this drop in fare revenue, we’re still obliged to provide a service, if you can call it that with a straight face.”

“Wage bills had to be cut and we quickly realised we had a ready-made workforce living in the tube system already. Tube drivers typically earn over 30 large for reading the paper at the front of an automated metal tube. Mice can easily cover this duty and are happy to be paid in leftover scraps of Subway sandwiches. They’re far less likely to turn up for work pissed, too.”

This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio: You won't believe what the stars have in store this week. So I'm not going to fucking well tell you.

Gemini: Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings.

Libra: It is time you realised that those limited edition Sneaker Pimp 12" singles are not 'Going to be well pricey one day". Throw them out, you ageing tit.

Cancer: Nobody ever gets over their first love but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.

AIDS: If desperation truly is the worst cologne, this week you will stink like a Yorkshire vet's fist.

Space Otter: Why did you buy another box of Oxo cubes? You've already got five of them in the cupboard, for christ's sake.

One That Looks Like A Goat: That feeling you've had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.

Aquarius: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?

Mondeo: Something about changes in the workplace and a new relationship starting. Either that or it's something to do with a phone call. I could care less, frankly.

Bison: The past is a foreign country and so is Uganda. Three guesses where you're going to end up by Friday.

Capricorn: A reunion with old school friends is on the cards. You'd better get started inventing what you've done with your life for the past twenty years.

Capricorn I: According to your astrological chart, approximately four million people in Britain will have exactly the same kind of week that you're going to have.

Gladiator: It will soon become apparent that you don't even like 80% of what's on your iPod. John Cougar Mellencamp? What were you thinking?