News & Horoscopes

Underground To Be Run By Mice

Following news that London Underground is set to lose 1,000 jobs, TFL bosses have outlined their plans for the District, Northern and Circle lines to be run by mice. In the new staffing proposals, all ticket inspections, train driving and public announcements are to be undertaken by the two-inch rodents that currently infest the system.

“Most of the traffic into central London during peak hours used to consist of bank workers but following the recent economic embolism, they’re all sat in their multimillion pound homes, living off their massive savings and waiting the storm out. Despite this drop in fare revenue, we’re still obliged to provide a service, if you can call it that with a straight face.”

“Wage bills had to be cut and we quickly realised we had a ready-made workforce living in the tube system already. Tube drivers typically earn over 30 large for reading the paper at the front of an automated metal tube. Mice can easily cover this duty and are happy to be paid in leftover scraps of Subway sandwiches. They’re far less likely to turn up for work pissed, too.”

This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio: You won't believe what the stars have in store this week. So I'm not going to fucking well tell you.

Gemini: Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings.

Libra: It is time you realised that those limited edition Sneaker Pimp 12" singles are not 'Going to be well pricey one day". Throw them out, you ageing tit.

Cancer: Nobody ever gets over their first love but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.

AIDS: If desperation truly is the worst cologne, this week you will stink like a Yorkshire vet's fist.

Space Otter: Why did you buy another box of Oxo cubes? You've already got five of them in the cupboard, for christ's sake.

One That Looks Like A Goat: That feeling you've had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.

Aquarius: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?

Mondeo: Something about changes in the workplace and a new relationship starting. Either that or it's something to do with a phone call. I could care less, frankly.

Bison: The past is a foreign country and so is Uganda. Three guesses where you're going to end up by Friday.

Capricorn: A reunion with old school friends is on the cards. You'd better get started inventing what you've done with your life for the past twenty years.

Capricorn I: According to your astrological chart, approximately four million people in Britain will have exactly the same kind of week that you're going to have.

Gladiator: It will soon become apparent that you don't even like 80% of what's on your iPod. John Cougar Mellencamp? What were you thinking?

Juror Shot In Menezes Trial

“She Looked A Bit Jihad-y” Says Met Spokesman

A female juror has been shot and killed during a reconstruction of the last moments of Jean Charles de Menezes for the inquest into his death. While the juror’s identity has yet to be made public, police person Inspector Jack Ebbsfleet has described her as “In her mid-thirties, sort of an Arab-y, Asian-y colour and well dodgy-looking.”

The jury charged with the duty of exonorating the police of any blame and awarding the Menezes family a desultory payout were taken to Stockwell station to recreate the circumstances surrounding the shooting. For added realism, female jurors were asked to swipe their handbag over the Oyster card reader several times before taking their card out while male jurors stand behind them, impatiently tutting to themselves.

As the jurors boarded the escalator to take them to the platform where Menezes died, a police escort is thought to have suddenly screamed “Look out! It’s a detonator!” before pumping twelve rounds of hot metal death into the brainpan of the female juror, who was later discovered to be holding a half-opened can of Fanta.

Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “It is a tragedy that once again, our brave officers have been put through this kind of trauma. I can assure the public they will be on full paid sickness leave until they feel ready to bust caps into the asses of passers-by.” When asked for details about the dead female juror, he replied “We can confirm that she spoke with a funny accent and had one of those gaudy tissue boxes in the rear window of her car. Couldn’t pronounce her ‘W’s. You know the type.”

Electrician Menezes was shot in 2005 by armed police while on his way to work, resulting in Elsie Knutsford of Penge being given possibly the least believable excuse ever for a cancelled workman’s appointment. At the time of his shooting, police blamed “Procedural errors” and the fact that Menezes chose to run away from two plain clothes men waving guns at him and screaming that they were going to shoot him.

The trial was due to take twelve weeks, but this may be extended to give the courts time to find another juror not frightened of being cut down like Peter Weller in Robocop.

48 serving police officers giving evidence in the trial have been granted anonymity, as it is believed that many of them are black, Asian or female. One police witness stated “It’s a good week at work when I don’t find a fresh turd in the shape of a swastika in my locker as it is. If my name was published, I might as well throw myself down a set of stairs.”

Tube Drivers Demand “A Diamond The Size Of A Rugby Ball”

RMT Insist That Members Need "More Money Than You Could Count In A Lifetime"

Negotiations with London Underground drivers broke down last night after RMT representatives demanded “A tropical island near Mauritius, a diamond the size of a human head and diverse other trinkets, sweetmeats and fancies.”

TFL chief Jed Ebbsfleet said “We feel their requests are becoming increasingly unreasonable. Just six months ago, we granted tube drivers ermine uniforms and first go on senior manager’s daughters. And last year, we bowed to their demands for a Picasso for every driver and three weeks paid holiday in Vegas, with hotel rooms & hookers thrown in. We want to work with the union to reach an agreement but I don’t see how that can be achieved.”

Tube train workers are currently in the top two percentile in terms of pay in the country, with an average wage exceeding that of the CEO of Shell, Jonathan Ross and Lewis Hamilton.

The RMT were adamant, however, that negotiations were actually concerned with issues of safety. “We must protect the wellbeing of our staff” said RMT spokesman Gordon Riot. “Tube drivers do a very stressful and difficult job. It’s not just sitting in a cab, letting the automated system propel the train in a straight line while they read The Daily Sport and scratch their balls. Regardless of the staggeringly overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”

Riot went on to say that the TFL were asking staff to work upwards of six hours a day, often alone without any mates to have a natter with or leer at women together. He also criticised TFL’s use of agency staff – “It’s a well-known fact that agency staff get paid well above the going rate in any line of work. If anybody’s going to get extra wedge, it’s going to be our members. I mean, fair’s fair.”

RMT has balloted its members on strike action. The leaked communication was sent to all members in an email entitled “Let’s see what a week of having to drag their arses into work on the bus will do to the miserable fuckers.” The balloting options were listed as:

A: Carry on working for a frigging fortune, if that’s what you want.
B: Grind the capital to a halt and screw money out of them until their eyes squeak.