UK Braced For 'Dry Saturday'

“Avalanche Of Crispy Socks” Anticipated

With the economic meltdown worsening, Britain's boyfriends and husbands are anticipating the least sexually active Valentine's Day since records began. "We're looking at a nation of swollen-bollocked frustration" said the Institute Of Legover Studies' Art Ebbsfleet.

"With most partners unable to afford more than a card from the newsagent's, less than 15% of Britain's men will enjoy the traditional Valentine stocking-clad erotic frenzy." And Ebbsfleet warns "It is doubtful, given the current crisis, that any UK male will get to do that thing he's been pestering the wife to do for months and she reckons is disgusting."

Ebbsfleet estimates approximately 300,000 of backed-up reproductive fluid will by sloshing around the nation’s boxer shorts in the days to follow. And he warns that the knock-on effects could be catastrophic. “Our surveys have shown that backed-up men are involved in more car crashes & household accidents, as well as being an absolute fucking nightmare to be around.”

Clintons Cards have already warned of a poor Valentine’s Day. “We’ve had blokes milling about the shop, looking at our five-quid plastic roses, sorting the loose change in their pocket, then walking out empty-handed” said Clintons boss Jeff Knutsford.

Local councils have been placed on high alert as police warned that many will have to resort to stealing blooms from nearby parks. Garage forecourts also anticipate similar raids.

“It’s totally unfair” said recently-redundant investment banker Todd Moore. “I slogged my guts out for ten years making vast fortunes with other people’s money. And now it looks like I’ll have to knock myself around on Valentine’s Day just because I can’t run to a box of overpriced chocolates and a big pink piece of card with a teddy bear on it.”

But Liz Crompton, 27, of Sandilands stated “For twelve months of the year I have to put up with flatulence and bone-idleness. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that, for one day of the year, I get showered with expensive trinkets before I’m expected to feign enthusiasm for five minutes of drunken, inexpert coitus.”

Israel Runs Out Of Things To Bomb

Ceasefire Imminent As Army Picks Off Final Targets

Israel’s war with Hamas looks set to end today as it was confirmed that Israel had “Maybe two dozen targets left, give or take an orphanage or two.” Israeli military spokesman Ehud Ebbsfleet stated “Armed hostilities will taper off by the end of today as we finish off the last few missile-worthy targets. There’s a greengrocers near the Tel al Hawa area we’ve had our eye on and I know a lot of the lads have really been looking forward to flattening a massive big shed in downtown Gaza that’s somehow still upright. Once those sites have been reduced to a smoking heap of twisted rubble we’ll probably call it a day.”

The UN were in talks with Israel, looking for alternative solutions to end the war. One proposal was for the UN to build fake settlements out in the desert, complete with lifelike dummies of screaming women and children. There would then be an agreement to allow Israeli forces to unleash metallic fiery hell at the model encampment to their heart’s content. “They do love a good shelling, those Israeli fellers” said one UN delegate. “We thought if we gave them something else to blow up, they might lay off Palestine for a bit. Between you and I, it does really beg the question what exactly their problem is, doesn’t it?”

However, as indications became clear that nothing in Gaza taller than a middle-aged man has been left standing, the UN proposal now seems redundant. Many predict that tomorrow will see Israel deploy their unmanned, laser-guided flying spirit levels to assess the Gaza area for signs of unevenness. Assuming everyone in the area lays down as they pass, the shelling could cease for the time being.

But many international commentators question whether this will lead to long-term peace in the region. Clancy Fox, Professor of Middle Eastern Interminable Strife Studies for Knutsford University, stated “The political situation in this area is a long, entrenched and bloody story. Internecine struggles, religious differences and socio-political differences are so complex that, when it comes to this bit of the degree course, I tell the students to try and work it out for themselves. Because quite frankly, I haven’t got a fucking Scooby what they’re fighting about, who the good guys are or when it will end. Be honest, do you?”

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”

BNP Members Can “Go & Shite” Say Amnesty

“Fuck Them” Adds Chakrabarti

After the personal details of 10,000 BNP members were posted on the internet, human rights activists have been quick to assert that the collection of neo-nazis, crackpots and morons can “Throw their cocks at a flying sex doll if they think they’re getting any help from us.”

Amnesty person Raffia Ebbsfleet stated “We are dedicated to challenging abuses of human rights wherever we find them. Whether that is the freedom of religion in Middle-Eastern countries or the freedom to vote in South American countries. Our staff often face great personal danger in their work. But if you honestly think we’re going to help this bunch of fascist gitwipes then you’re wrong. Human rights are universal but there are limits, you know.”

Shami Chakrabarti said “The right to privacy and the freedom from persecution based on one’s political beliefs are absolute. Except when they’re horrid, then I could frankly give a flying one. This party’s policies encourage hatred, social division and threats. So I welcome the publication of their membership so we can work to identify who to dislike, fire from their jobs and….ah, I see what I’ve done there.”

The list, dating from 2007, features individuals from all walks of life, from embittered, hate-filled teachers to embittered, hate-filled clergymen. BNP fuhrer Nick Griffin stated “This challenges the myth that the BNP is filled with skinheaded oiks. Some of our oiks hold down positions of great professional responsibility. Or at least did. I don’t imagine their next one-to-ones are going to be especially glowing.”

Some doubt has been cast over the accuracy of the list, as Griffin himself confirmed that possible non-members and party infiltrators may be included. The absence of Richard Littlejohn and Paul Dacre from the list also gives reason for doubt. Griffin has called the leak “A disgraceful act of treachery by a former party member and a nasty piece of intimidation. And I should know nasty intimidation when I see it.” Asked why membership of his party should be something people would want to keep private, Griffin responded “Erm…..no reason.”

It remains to be seen whether any criminal prosecutions will arise from the leaked document and a decision has yet to be made by the Dyfed-Powys CPS. “We’re looking at the details of this incident very closely” said Chief Inspector Knutsford “And an announcement will be made in the next few days. We will be wor…oh, look, it’s Hugh. I remember him from my CID days. There was one time when we’d rounded up a van of gyp…this press conference is over. Thank you.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”


Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”


Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans

New Religious Consortium To Be Named “Cathlican”

After plummeting attendances and an underfunded infrastructure pushed the Anglican Church to the brink of collapse, the Catholic Church has stepped in to bail out the ailing faith in a £4.7 billion buyout. Many in the 470-year-old organisation feared the mother church would have to cease praying altogether before the Holy Roman faith conglomerate stepped in.

Dr Rowan Williams, head of the beleaguered doctrine, stated “Nobody could have foreseen the global collapse in faith – this is absolutely unprecedented. With promising new markets, especially in the third world and China, we felt the church was in a healthy condition to expand its client base. The next thing we knew, the pews were simply empty.” Many expect Dr Williams to step down in the next few days, with the Mormon church already offering him a lucrative consultancy role.

Members of the public who have invested in the life everlasting with the Anglican church have been told not to panic, with Cardinal Ebbsfleet of the Vatican promising to honour all existing prayers lodged with the church. This followed scenes of chaos as churches in London, Bristol and Knutsford were mobbed by panicking worshippers demanding their eternal souls, which had been entrusted to the church, to be returned.

“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Anglican employees are braced for a slew of redundancies as the Catholic church attempts to streamline the organisation. As many as 40% of Anglican churches will be sold off to property developers, and the unemployment rate amongst organists is set to skyrocket. “It used to be a job for life” said one parson. “Get your feet under the pulpit, keep your hands off the parishioners and you’d be set . Now what? I might see if there’s any vacancies with the Kabbalists. They seem to be a faith that’s going places.”

The takeover will be formalised this Sunday, with Pope Benedict welcoming his new flock, tentatively named “Cathlicans”, during his address in St Peters’ Square. “I welcome all of my new flock into the arms of the Cathlican faith.” said the elderly ex-Nazi. “Pending due diligence to ensure none of them are sodomites, abortionists or johnny-jockeys, of course” he added.

Obama To Befriend Every Person In The US

Presidential Candidate To Visit With Wine & Trivial Pursuit

Barack Obama’s push to move into the White House for four years went into overdrive last night as he began his quest to make friends with every man, woman and child in the United States. “Yes, even Hawaii” said Obama “Even if it means using up all my air miles.”

Neither presidential candidate is incumbent and as a result cannot rely on four years of misrule, sexual allegations or corruption to misrepresent. Many feel that this has forced the respective campaigns of McCain and Obama to focus on personalities rather than policies.

While McCain has focussed on the more traditional route of portraying his potential presidency as a benign avuncular regime with a hatred of abortion and a terrifying arsenal of nuclear persuaders, Obama his personalised his campaign by attempting to convince the US electorate that he is simply a regular, everyday guy with an unquenchable yearning for ultimate power.

Obama’s charm offensive, codenamed “Operation Buddy”, began just after midnight with the senator visiting the home of Chance Huxley, a cab driver from Minneapolis. Obama is said to have taken a six-pack of Coors and a copy of ‘Weird Science’ on DVD to the 47-year-old’s home. “He was a real nice guy” said Huxley after the senatorial visit. “We watched the movie, sunk back a few cool ones and he outlined his fiscal plan for underpinning medical insurance provision. I told him he could crash on the couch if he wanted but he said he’d call a cab. Even took his dead soldiers out to the recycling bin. A class act.”

Fitz Ebbsfleet, professor of politics at Knutsford University, said the senator’s campaign would do much to allay the doubts of middle-american voters. “The vast majority of the white US public have the low-grade level of bigotry standard in industrialised nations across the globe. It’s the type that would baulk at using racial epithets but would typically feel vague awkwardness in the presence of somebody of different ethnic origin. Obama’s campaign is therefore brilliant. Not only will these people be able to say that some of their best friends are black, the friend in question will be one of the most powerful men on the planet.”

Senator Obama gave no official statement on the new strand of his campaign, but speaking from a leaving party for Sandra Chipsfield, a recently retired postal clerk from Newhaven, he said “I just want to get to know the people of this great country. Anyway, who’s up for tequila shots? My round.”

“Bezz Fuggin Mate” Sighted Over Heathrow

“They Made Me Phone My Ex Girlfriend” Said Dishevelled Pilot

Newly-released MOD files have revealed dozens of UFO sightings over Britain in the last twenty years reported by airline pilots and members of the public. One incident in 1991 records “Strange, bottle-shaped craft” being reported by pilot Sid Ebbsfleet on his approach to Heathrow. The encounter caused Ebbsfleet to fly the plane erratically and he believes the aliens used “mind-rays or something” on him as he attempted to land.

“I remember the day specifically as before we took off I’d had a blazing row with my girlfriend over things I definitely didn’t do with her sister. I’d spent a couple of hours in the airport bar, sipping just a diet coke and nothing else to calm myself down. As we were taking off I started to feel the effects of the alien’s mind control taking over as they forced me to argue with my co-pilot about who England’s best ever goalkeeper was.”

The strange phenomena continued throughout the flight, with passengers seeing Ebbsfleet stagger up and down the plane in search of the toilet, attempting to rouse them into a chorus of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. As the flight began its final descent into Heathrow, Ebbsfleet caught a glimpse of the craft that had been causing his mental disturbance.

“It was a weird, out-of-body sensation. It felt like I was actually huddled in the corner of the cockpit hugging a giant Toblerone rather than being sat in the pilot’s chair. As I looked out of the window I could see several small bottle-shaped craft whiz across my field of vision. I think they were trying to communicate with me via my co-pilot, but their translation technology must not be as advanced as they think, because it just sounded like he was calling me a drunken cock-end.”

Ebbsfleet‘s trauma continued even after he’d left the plane. “I think I angered the aliens with my resistance to their brain-manipulation because on my way out of Heathrow, they forced me to call my ex to call her a lying frigid bitch, fall over and throw up outside of Boots. It was a terrifying experience.”

Ebbsfleet’s encounter is just one of dozens listed in the MOD archives. These range from unusual light formations spotted in the sky to letters from people claiming to be stranded aliens. Swivel-eyed moron and Ufologist Dr Kenneth Knutsford claims “These files are dynamite and definite proof of alien contact. We are not alone. Well, I live in a bedsit, but you know what I mean.”

“Can We Have Those?” MOD Asks NI Family

Buyer To Collect Gun Cache

After a stash of seventy guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition was found in a Belfast home, procurement officers for the British army have asked if they can buy them as a job lot. The weapons were discovered after their owner was believed to have taken his own life. His method of suicide has not yet been disclosed by pathologists but one spokesman told the press “Well how do you fucking well think he did it?”

The unnamed Belfast man was a well-known figure in Loyalist paramilitary circles and early indications suggest that he was unaware that the war against Republicans was over. “He was like them fellers you hear about in Burma” said one neighbour, whose affection for his kneecaps prompted him to remain anonymous. “While the rest of us were getting on with our lives pretending to like those dirty Fenian bastards, he was still holed up in his bungalow waiting for orders to attack the next legitimate target. Like a pub or something.”

The armaments are currently being held by local police, but it is believed that several regiments have started a bidding war for them. “Our brave lads in Iraq are seriously underquipped” said General Ebbsfleet of the 47th Queen’s Riflemen. “They often have to decide which unarmed civilian they’re going to shoot as they’re rationed to three bullets a day. Some have had to resort to enticing their targets toward the personnel carrier with clean drinking water or medical supplies before finishing them off with the butt of their gun.”

General Ebbsfleet believes the Northern Irish stash will leave his troops capable of administering muscular democracy with extreme prejudice for a further three months at a fraction of the cost. “Buying weapons through normal channels is prohibitively expensive. All those lavish lunches, luxurious holidays and envelopes stuffed with cash associated with securing military contracts don’t come for free. The cost is passed on to the regiment. In many cases, rather than shooting an entire family it can be cheaper to just buy their home and have them evicted.”

Gordon Brown hailed the gun haul as a victory in Labour’s continued fight against terrorism. “This is proof that the Peace Treaty continues to hold in the province. By taking those guns off the streets, we have made it safer for the average former paramilitary officers of Belfast to go about their daily business of drug dealing and racketeering. And by shooting himself in the head before the police arrived, as appears to have happened, this man has shown that people now know what will happen to them if they’re suspected of terrorist activities.”

“Just Shoot Suspects” PM Advises

42-Day Detention Scrapped In Favour Of Summary Execution

After the House Of Lords quashed Labour plans to allow police to detain terror suspects for 42 days without charge, Gordon Brown has pledged to continue with the existing policy of emptying an entire pistol into their head. Labour’s counter-terrorism bill asked for the ability to hold terrified suspects for 6 weeks of nebulous threats without charging them with any crime as long as they passed the ‘Threshold test’ of being a bit mouthy, foreign-looking or an electrician.

But the bill was defeated by 191 votes in the House of Lords last night, with one senior peer stating “The existing detention period of 28 days is perfectly sufficient to exhaust standard investigative techniques. We do not believe a further 14 days is needed to piss in ocular cavities, force suspects to eat their own excrement or beat the soles of their feet with garden hose.”

While the political wrangling continues, the police have been told to carry on with their policy of dropping anybody they feel like with little or no evidence to suggest they’re dangerous. Chief Inspector Knutsford stated “Terrorists are wily creatures, with ways different to our own. They don’t need food or oxygen and can morph into the shape of a cat at will. Who can say how they plan to attack us next?”

Gordon Brown has vowed to continue fighting for the bill to be passed, and Labour will hold a version of it in reserve in case a terrorist emergency occurs. As one Labour spokesman said “Never know what’s round the corner, you get me? Look at that London Eye, for instance. It’d only take one nutter with a bomb and the whole thing would collapse like a mugged granny, yeah? Wait and see, my friend, wait and see…”

The PM stated “We are disappointed that this bill has been defeated and feel that the House of Lords may as well give Bin Laden a foot massage for all the help they’ve been. This government will not shirk its responsibilities when it comes to national security, especially at times like these, because while I’m talking to you now, you’re not even thinking about how fucked the economy is. Damn. You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you?”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show

“Parents? Dead? Dead Parents?” New Catchphrase

Following the success of last night’s “Britain’s Got The Pop Factor”, Peter Kay’s next mockumentary is believed to be an hysterical send-up on the plight of war orphans called “Who’s Your Daddy? And Does He Dance Like This At Weddings?”. The show will feature Britain’s best-loved parental Christmas gift idea as Stan Hubris, an inept charity worker sent to a Rwandan orphanage with hilarious results.

“Peter’s comedy as all about inclusiveness” said Kay’s press officer Chorley Ebbsfleet. “Whether he’s laughing at the disableds or the funny way Chinese people talk, there’s no victims in his comedy. If you don’t include the people who bought that last live DVD of his that didn’t feature any new jokes, of course.”

“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people with lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.”

Speaking from the offices of his production company, whose logo is a hand being bitten by a mouth it’s trying to feed, Ebbsfleet gave a few hints as to what Kay’s legion of fans can expect to mindlessly keen in front of next year. “Peter’s this really stupid bloke, right, and he’s got a mate who’s even more stupid! They’re sent to work in Rwanda, so there’s lots of scope for culture clash comedy – why they don’t serve Panda Pops and the like – and the show finishes with Peter singing “Two Little Boys” to a row of quadriplegic sad kids. We expect to get the single out before Christmas, of course. We’re not stupid.”

Kay himself was unavailable for a full interview, but did say to reporters “Diminishing? Returns? Returns that diminish?”

David Dimbleby To Host MTV Awards

“Double D Shouts Out To All His Niggas” Says Broadcaster

After Will Young was invited to appear on BBC’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has been named as the presenter for this year’s European MTV Awards. During the show, the 69-year-old is expected to sing a specially-written duet with Snoop Dogg entitled “Suck My PPE Degree, Bizzle.”

It is the first time the political correspondent has appeared at the MTV awards ceremony and his agent said Dimbleby is “Very excited at the opprtunity to quiz The Kooks on their views on overseas development, question The Jonas Brothers on middle-east affairs and get a really good look at Girls Alouds’ rabbits up close.”

The move was sparked after housewives’ favourite singing chin Will Young was invited as a guest on Question Time by producer Gill Penlington. Young stated he was a fan of the show during an interview for Radio 5. “I started screaming and running around the house as soon as I heard” said Penlington.

“I’ve thought he was well lush since he was on Pop Idol and I voted for him 27 times so that skanky Gareth Gates wouldn’t win. He looks like a clockwork hedgehog and I hate him. I called all my mates and told them what he’d said and they were dead jealous. Kirsty Wark reckoned I was lying but that’s just ‘cos everyone found out about the time David Miliband fingered her in the conference room at Chequers.”

Young is set to appear on Question Time in December, alongside Shami Chakrabarti, Will Self, John Sergeant and Duffy. Meanwhile, MTV producers are trumpeting Dimbleby’s participation as “A real coup for the music channel. We want to show that pop music deserves the same pomp and gravitas given to other art forms such as classical music and opera. An experienced hand like Dimbleby will certainly bring that to the show as he announces such awards as “Best Hotpants In A Video”, “Best Use Of The Phrase ‘Da Club’” and “Outstanding Achievement In Pissing On A 14-Year-Old”.

University Students ‘Forced To Know Stuff’

Knowledge-Based Initiations ‘Cruel’, Say NUS

Several universities are under investigation after allegations were made by former students that they were to take part in bizarre and degrading initiation rites. Amongst the allegations are claims that before being allowed entry into some universities, students were made to “Display the ability to comprehend complex concepts” and “Show understanding of a particular topic through properly-structured essays and reports.”

One secretly-filmed video, believed to be an entrance interview for Trinity College Cambridge, shows an elderly man subjecting a young female student to a barrage of humiliating questions. The fifteen-minute clip shows a university professor repeatedly asking the unnamed student about her aptitude to study English literature, her knowledge of Chaucer and Shakespeare and her understanding of post-structuralist theory. At one point, the leering don is heard asking the clearly-shaken student to show him her A level results.

NUS spokesman Bradley Ebbsfleet said “Some of the reports we’ve heard are horrific. One Durham student was forced into a room with 35 other students, where they were locked in for over two hours. They weren’t allowed to leave until they’d written 4,000 words on The Council Of Trent, including citations. When one of them complained that he’d planned to spend the day fucking around in Starbucks, he was told he’d be kicked off the course if he refused.”

The initiation rituals, known as ‘examining’, are believed to be spreading to universities across the country, according to Ebbsfleet. “Students just want to fit in and be part of a group. It used to be the case that an undergraduate could do that by simply drinking cider all day and making their hair look like a bungled gorilla abortion. But in many universities, students risk not completing GTA IV because they’re forced to read lots of books, do research and - in extreme cases – reach independent conclusions on subject matters based on logic and reasoning.”

The rise of ‘examining’ students is a throwback to twenty years ago, when the practise was commonplace on campus, according to Ebbsfleet. “In those days, a university would think nothing of forcing a student to go to over 20 hours of lectures a week and would punish anybody that failed to show a good grasp of their subject matter by giving them a low final mark. This used to be known as ‘grading’.”
Ebbsfleet has called for a ban on these practises and has warned all students to be careful when choosing a university. “It’s easy to tell students that have been the victim of ‘grading’ rites” said Ebbsfleet “As they are the students that actually know what they’re talking about on a given subject and look vaguely employable."

God Blamed For Cutty Sark Fire

More Car Chases In Bible “Would Have Averted Tragedy”

The investigation into the £10M blaze at the Cutty Sark has found that The Lord God Almighty, Omniscient Creator Of The Universe & Smiter Of Sodomites was to blame. The fire started after a security guard at the site fell asleep whilst reading the Bible and failed to notice that a faulty hoover (also thought to be part of God’s wondrous creation) had burst into flames.

It is believed he was attempting to plough through a particularly tedious section of Corinthians involving a lot of begatting and lists of things God forbade Jehosaphat to eat. These include “Beasts that layeth in pastures 2,000 feet above sea level, the fleshy parts of smaller woodland creatures and any seafood restaurants abroad, really.”

Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “The fire started around 4am in the cargo hold after an industrial hoover had been left running for two days. The builders working on the site said the off switch the hoover required was in their mate Gary’s van and they couldn’t get it until after the weekend.”

“There were two guards on duty that night, one of whom was on a tea break when the conflagration commenced. We are aware of the stupendous level of irony in a tea clipper burning to the ground because of this. However, we believe the other guard would have been awake to smell the fire starting had the holy word of the Lord not been so buttock-clenchingly dull.”

Ebbsfleet believes major changes are needed in the Bible to avert future tragedies of this nature. “Like it or not, people or always going to want to read the Bible, and while the general public might find such behaviour abhorrent, we should try and make it as safe as possible.” The Chief Inspector has suggested a complete overhaul of the good book, reducing it to a pacier 250 pages, a greater focus on “Floods and brimstone and other cool stuff” and a possible rewrite by Dan Brown to “Sex the whole thing up a bit.”

Meanwhile, police are currently interviewing various demigods to establish the whereabouts of the Lord Our Saviour. “Several minor deities, including Vayu, Hypnos and Qed-Her, are being questioned at this time. We would ask the public that if they see God in the street, they should not approach him. They should instead contact their local psychiatrist immediately.”

Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Fat Man Sues Tesco Over Exercise DVD
“No Respect For My Life Of Gluttonous Sloth” Says Fired Behemoth

43-year-old shelf stacker Brian Ebbsfleet is set to sue his former employer Tesco after they insisted he handle workout DVDs as part of his job. “It’s against my what-do-you-call-‘em? Human rights, innit?” claims Ebbsfleet.

The 23-stone former employee was fired last month for ‘gross misconduct’ but Ebbsfleet insists Tesco victimised him due to his beliefs. “I’ve always maintained that a life of inertia and inactivity is, you know, good and that. I’ve never been to the gym in my life and I get taxis everywhere. I save my energy for higher thoughts and stuff, don’t I? So when my boss asked me to move that box of ‘Hollyoaks Workout’ DVDs, he was mocking me, right? So I want my payout, in cash if possible.”

Tesco person Jane Knutsford stated “Tesco embrace diversity and we are proud of our record of employing staff from every background, race, religion and disability. Mr Ebbsfleet’s contract was terminated after repeated warnings for inappropriate behaviour. This included taking magazines into the toilets for ‘dirty tea breaks’, stealing doughnuts and calling his line manager a ‘ponce’.”


Incredibly Expensive Cars ‘Cool’ Says Survey
Consumers Want Unimaginably Lavish Products, Says Coolbrand

In a survey conducted by Coolbrand into the screamingly obvious, Aston Martin has come top in a list of desirable brands. “This is quite a shock” said Coolbrand person Pegs Intray. “When we did the survey, we were expecting the most aspirational brand to be Kiwi boot polish or Ldl. So when it came back that the brand of product people liked most were the manufacturers of £150,000 sports cars that James Bond drives, that was a surprise.”

Intray went on to say “Aston Martin has always had the air of sophistication, innovation and engineering excellence. But I think what has moved it to the top of our survey is that they make cars that go like coke up a supermodel’s nose and could make a statue of Queen Victoria gush fanny batter.”

With other brands in the top twenty including Rolex, Dom Perignon and Nike, Intray stated “It’s obvious from our findings that British consumers basically want to live their entire lives in a Jaz Z video, rather than their asbestos-ridden council prole holes.”


Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
“Jammy, Jammy, Jammy Fucking Jammy Bastard” Says Hollywood Insider

After his marriage to one-woman wank factory Scarlett Johansson was confirmed by publicists, Ryan Reynolds has been dubbed “The flukiest, most undeserving git on two legs” by Hollywood columnist Jinks Firetrap.

The two were recently wed at a simple service near Vancouver, as according to hotel staff “Mr Reynolds didn’t want the usual media circus for his wedding as this would delay the point at which he could take his missus back to the honeymoon suite and sauce her something rotten.”

Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Firetrap concedes that Reynolds’ good fortune is a recent phenomenon, however. “Not so long ago, he was hitched to Alanis Morrisette. Imagine that screeching at you when you’re hungover. No thanks.”

Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’

Mayor Backs 2013 ‘City Of Jizz’ Application

London mayor Boris Johnson has promised Londoners blanket WiFi coverage in a bid to have the capital’s populace “Wanking like a bunch of caged monkeys” during an interview with BBC London Radio.

Asked to speak about the technological challenges facing London, Johnson said “Mankind’s intellectual and scientific development can be measured by our ability to access really high-quality grot. For instance, before the invention of the printing press, only those monk chappies could get their hands on woodcuts of maids with their charlies out. But by the use of movable type, Gutenberg democratised bongo for everyone.”

“By installing WiFi coverage across London, it shows us for the forward thinking, cutting edge city we are. It will send a message out across the world that our citizens are second to none in their ability to download scenes of Belgian stippling, clown rinsing and three-way dirty octopus action.”

Johnson believes that blanket WiFi coverage will help the capital’s bid to be named European City Of Jizz for 2013. The main contenders for the honour are Amsterdam, Berlin and Paris, with outsiders The Vatican City also believed to be making a bid.

London organisers have already drawn up a prospective timetable of events, including a wheelbarrow version of the marathon, the opening of “The Museum Of Anal Play” and a spectacular open-air bukkake porn shoot in Regent’s Park. The year-long celebrations would culminate on New Year’s Eve with confetti being fired from aeroplanes across the capital in what organisers describe as “The world’s biggest ever money shot.”

Reaction to the mayor’s plans were mainly positive, with one London cab driver commenting “As it stands, I have to wait until the missus goes to the shops before I can have a right good look at Dutch birds having things stuffed into them. But with internet access across London, I could carry on stirring my hairy cuppa while driving customers about. Marvellous.”

However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

Juror Shot In Menezes Trial

“She Looked A Bit Jihad-y” Says Met Spokesman

A female juror has been shot and killed during a reconstruction of the last moments of Jean Charles de Menezes for the inquest into his death. While the juror’s identity has yet to be made public, police person Inspector Jack Ebbsfleet has described her as “In her mid-thirties, sort of an Arab-y, Asian-y colour and well dodgy-looking.”

The jury charged with the duty of exonorating the police of any blame and awarding the Menezes family a desultory payout were taken to Stockwell station to recreate the circumstances surrounding the shooting. For added realism, female jurors were asked to swipe their handbag over the Oyster card reader several times before taking their card out while male jurors stand behind them, impatiently tutting to themselves.

As the jurors boarded the escalator to take them to the platform where Menezes died, a police escort is thought to have suddenly screamed “Look out! It’s a detonator!” before pumping twelve rounds of hot metal death into the brainpan of the female juror, who was later discovered to be holding a half-opened can of Fanta.

Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “It is a tragedy that once again, our brave officers have been put through this kind of trauma. I can assure the public they will be on full paid sickness leave until they feel ready to bust caps into the asses of passers-by.” When asked for details about the dead female juror, he replied “We can confirm that she spoke with a funny accent and had one of those gaudy tissue boxes in the rear window of her car. Couldn’t pronounce her ‘W’s. You know the type.”

Electrician Menezes was shot in 2005 by armed police while on his way to work, resulting in Elsie Knutsford of Penge being given possibly the least believable excuse ever for a cancelled workman’s appointment. At the time of his shooting, police blamed “Procedural errors” and the fact that Menezes chose to run away from two plain clothes men waving guns at him and screaming that they were going to shoot him.

The trial was due to take twelve weeks, but this may be extended to give the courts time to find another juror not frightened of being cut down like Peter Weller in Robocop.

48 serving police officers giving evidence in the trial have been granted anonymity, as it is believed that many of them are black, Asian or female. One police witness stated “It’s a good week at work when I don’t find a fresh turd in the shape of a swastika in my locker as it is. If my name was published, I might as well throw myself down a set of stairs.”