Christopher Reeve "Better Off Gurning His Trap Away" Says Professor

“Waving One’s Hands In The Air Like One Just Doesn’t Care” Recommended

In an article for the Journal of Psychopharmacology, a leading professor has pointed out that ecstasy-taking is much safer than horse riding as it "Has far fewer instances of neck injuries, doesn't turn you into a chinless twat and has killed a lot less Superman actors."

Professor David Knutt advises "Any youth wondering whether to enter a gymkhana or fuck their nut off in a field listening to 180 bpm gabba hardcore needs to be aware of the relative dangers."

In a five year study, Professor Knutt monitored the relative injuries of two distinct groups – one set of inbred, horsey types with names such as ‘Tamara’ and “Ffion” and one set of saucer-eyed serotonin vampires called “Geeza” and “Woot”.

Common injuries amongst the first group were typically broken bones from horse falls, as well as minor ailments such as torn rectums from boarding school-related activities. Fatalities, though rare, were consistent with forcing a one-ton animal at a brick wall he’d much prefer not to jump over.

The latter group fared better, with only a handful of deaths. These were typically from over-hydration as ecstasy users often gulp water like a Gobi desert to avoid dehydration. Common minor ailments occurred from flying whistles, allergies to Vicks Vapo Rub and repetitive strain injuries to elbows from ‘Giving it up for the Essex massiiiiiive.”

“Despite the scare stories following the death of Leah Betts from one E tablet and a litre of vodka, regular consumption of the drug shows a far smaller risk of death than horse riding” concludes Dr Knutt in his report. “It’s not to say such behaviour is totally without risk. Tinnitus, inability to string sentences together and woeful record collections are all negative side effects.”

Yelping scare factory and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has dismissed the professor’s report as “Dangerously grounded in research and facts.” In a press statement conducted while stroking a small doll with its eyes stabbed out, Smith stated “Once again I’ve ridden roughshod over the advice of an expert employed to give the government advice. If this surprises you, it’s only fair to warn you that the sun will rise tomorrow and Jude Law will continue to be an irreparable cunt.”

In direct contradiction to Dr Knutt’s findings, Smith is expected to push through a bill making the act of “Having it large” punishable by death.

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

Daily Mail To Be Extradited

Smith Announces “Littlejohn’s Law”

Between smearing spoonfuls of her own shit against the walls of her cabinet office and rocking in a foetal position under her desk, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today took time out to announce plans of a new bill to ban anybody from the UK who gets on her increasingly-fragile nerves by barking it in a staccato fashion through the gap under her door.

“Preachers of hate have no place in modern UK society” wibbled Smith “So I’m buggering about with the law like a kid with a box of Lego until there’s something in place that gives me legal sanction to kick them out.”

The Catholic Church, braced from their recent buy-out of the Anglican faith, has reacted angrily to the move, stating that the new law constitutes a restriction on trade. “No sensible person wants those brown chaps telling us we’re all evil, of course” said one chap sporting a large pointy hat “But this law will end a tradition that stretches back a thousand years – the right for an unelected man to threaten rooms full of people with menaces over what they choose to do with their unmentionables at home. If Smith’s proposals become law, how are we going to browbeat the poofs then? Answer me that one.”

The ex-Judaic faith is not the only group affected by the product of Smith’s misfiring head. Many predict that The Daily Mail will cease to function as a publication under the new laws. “You couldn’t make it up in a handcart” said excremental fat cunt Richard Littlejohn “This is just a green light for gays to start demanding my tax money, waving dildos at me in a threatening manner. Some of them will be dirty gypsies too, just you wait and see.”

Media analysts have estimated that without recourse to the demonisation of minority groups, the misrepresentation of statistics and outright fearmongering lies, The Daily Mail will be little more than a four-page set of horse racing results surrounded by adverts for Mediterranean cruises.

Smith, however, was adamant that her proposals become law as soon as possible. “We cannot have people entering the country with the intention of stirring up tensions. We want to send out a message – ‘If your views differ in the smallest iota to Labour Party doctrine – which we reserve the right to change as & when things go cock-shaped – then you may as well stay on the plane. This country did not become the greatest democracy in the world by allowing dissenting voices to be heard.”

Smith’s further justification for the law – to protect her brainwaves from being raped by Arab-shaped invaders – was later dismissed by Labour press officers as “Just Jacqui before the pills kick in. Pay it no mind.”

Law Lords To “Stitch Up Grasses”

“You Got Something To Say? I’m Right Here” Say Experts

In a landmark ruling, the Law Lords have decided “If some dirty nonce wants to run his mouth off, then he’s going to need the stones to do it to a man’s face. You get me?”

After ruling that anonymous witness testimony was not admissible in criminal cases, the Law Lords have stated “Some bloke pulls off a tickle and thinks he’s home and hosed, yeah? Then some silly bollocks who can’t hold his shandy goes flapping his gills to the rozzers. Well, if he fancies his chances after doing that, then good luck to him.”

“But no, now they’re changing his name, moving him to a new gaff and stopping an honest businessman from calling on him at three in the morning and asking about the health of his wife and kids. Diabolical, that is.”

Senior Defence lawyer Wyndham Ebbsfleet expressed his concern at the ruling, however. “Well, I might as well piss off home right now, mightn’t I? Would you give evidence against some nutbar who you witnessed sawing a man’s head off with a metal comb if his mates could follow your family home afterwards? Me neither. Sod that for a game of bollock-tennis. I tell you what, I’ve got a witness who’s testifying against a violent armed robber. Do you want me to give you his home address while I’m here? Fuck’s sake.”

Gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said “We need to ensure the safety of people wishing to give evidence in high-profile cases. Unless they do drugs. Or they’re brown. Not to worry, we’ll knock up some arbitrary bit of legislation this afternoon to get around the ruling. I mean, what’s the point of having legal experts rule on matters of law if a hare-brained lunatic like myself can’t simply circumvent their advice? That’s democracy, that is.”

Smith then went on to explain why Boney M were subversive terrorists and how amphetamines made your fanny heal over.

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Ferguson Sues Strachan For Being ‘Scottish & Grumpy’

Following the complaint made against real Madrid for tapping-up the cheating acquitted date-rapist Ronaldo, one-man strop factory Ferguson has decided to sue Gordon Strachan for “Being Scottish, a football manager and a mardy bugger.”

“There’s no place for it in the modern game.” said the ruddy-nosed timelord. “Man Utd has always stuck to the rules about not having a cantankerous Caledonian manager so it’s not fair that others should get away with it” he continued while overseeing a vicious argument between a pot and a kettle. The American merchandising conglomerate is also considering suing Middlesbrough FC for playing in red and having an ‘M’ in their name.

At time of press, Jaap Stam was unavailable for comment.

Dolphin Deaths ‘A Blow Against Terrorism’ Say Government

The recent death of 26 dolphins in a Cornwall estuary was “A near-miss for the safety of the British peoples” announced unhinged Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today.

“Our security services have revealed to me that none of the dead animals had travel visas, passports or jobs in the UK” continued the swivel-eyed cabinet minister. “It’s well known that dolphins are extremely intelligent, so is it so far-fetched to imagine they had fallen under the spell of some aquatic mullah and were bent on fundamentalist explosivism? I think not.

They were clearly headed for Bristol to target strategic, erm, targets. Lord knows what carnage they could have wreaked had they managed to get a lift on the M4.”

Smith went on to reveal government plans to detain all migratory birds for 42 days to ensure their winter sojourns to sunnier climes have not included indoctrination in terrorist training camps.

Shot Officer ‘Looked Shifty’ Say Police Experts

PC Ian Terry, shot during a firearms exercise in Manchester yesterday “Could easily have been mistaken for a shifty foreigner” said Manchester police chiefs. Terry had recently returned from a fortnight in Alicante and was heavily suntanned, say colleagues, so could easily have been mistaken for somebody who was neither white nor British.

Police chiefs are looking into how an officer of Terry’s appearance could have been allowed near adrenaline-hyped policeman with access to heavy firearms. One expert dubbed it “An accident waiting to happen.”

Manchester police are attempting to play down the incident, stating “Ian Terry was a normal, law-abiding bloke going about his business. If the police can’t gun somebody like that down in cold blood then it’s a sad day for coppers everywhere.”

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot

“She’s Gone Totally Gascoigne” Says Backbencher

Britain’s burgeoning drug addict population were essentially told to “Get on the rob, quick-smart” by the increasingly-frantic Home Secretary Jacqui Smith yesterday as she unleashed a fistful of eccentric policies on an unprepared public.

Most notable amongst the scatterbrained edicts was that in future, drug addicts would lose their benefits unless agreeing to treatment. “We, or rather I, think that by taking away what little legitimate money drug addicts can get to feed their habits, this will force them into rehabilitation.” said Smith.

Many experts feel that rehabilitation only works with willing subjects and that enforced poverty will essentially compel drug addicts into criminal behaviour. But Smith was adamant. “I am aware of the mountains of evidence that contradict my view, but by screwing my eyes shut and screaming the theme tune to Space Pirates, I can blot that out easily enough.”

Other policies unveiled in Smith’s white paper entitled “Drugs Smell Of Poo & I Hate Them 4 Eva” included:

If your name sounds a bit like a drug, a policeman will follow you around for the rest of your life in case you do something bad. Knutsford MP Simon Cockayne has described the plan as “Madder than a Yardie’s dog.”

Ofsted inspectors will mark down any school where pupils can name more than eight synonyms for marijuana.

Anybody who has that poster from ‘Scarface’ in their house can expect twelve hairy-arsed bailiffs to kick through their door at 5am, have some indecipherable court papers waved under their nose, then watch as they ransack their house for anything of value.

All GPs will be compelled to tell patients, at every single visit, ‘Stop smoking. Stop iiiit. Stooooop smoooookiiiing. Dooooon’t. Sooooooop smooooking.’. Whether they smoke or not.

Children of drug addicts will be dragged through the streets by a fat beadle singing ‘Boy For Sale’ like Harry Secombe did in ‘Oliver!’

Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”