Christopher Reeve "Better Off Gurning His Trap Away" Says Professor

“Waving One’s Hands In The Air Like One Just Doesn’t Care” Recommended

In an article for the Journal of Psychopharmacology, a leading professor has pointed out that ecstasy-taking is much safer than horse riding as it "Has far fewer instances of neck injuries, doesn't turn you into a chinless twat and has killed a lot less Superman actors."

Professor David Knutt advises "Any youth wondering whether to enter a gymkhana or fuck their nut off in a field listening to 180 bpm gabba hardcore needs to be aware of the relative dangers."

In a five year study, Professor Knutt monitored the relative injuries of two distinct groups – one set of inbred, horsey types with names such as ‘Tamara’ and “Ffion” and one set of saucer-eyed serotonin vampires called “Geeza” and “Woot”.

Common injuries amongst the first group were typically broken bones from horse falls, as well as minor ailments such as torn rectums from boarding school-related activities. Fatalities, though rare, were consistent with forcing a one-ton animal at a brick wall he’d much prefer not to jump over.

The latter group fared better, with only a handful of deaths. These were typically from over-hydration as ecstasy users often gulp water like a Gobi desert to avoid dehydration. Common minor ailments occurred from flying whistles, allergies to Vicks Vapo Rub and repetitive strain injuries to elbows from ‘Giving it up for the Essex massiiiiiive.”

“Despite the scare stories following the death of Leah Betts from one E tablet and a litre of vodka, regular consumption of the drug shows a far smaller risk of death than horse riding” concludes Dr Knutt in his report. “It’s not to say such behaviour is totally without risk. Tinnitus, inability to string sentences together and woeful record collections are all negative side effects.”

Yelping scare factory and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has dismissed the professor’s report as “Dangerously grounded in research and facts.” In a press statement conducted while stroking a small doll with its eyes stabbed out, Smith stated “Once again I’ve ridden roughshod over the advice of an expert employed to give the government advice. If this surprises you, it’s only fair to warn you that the sun will rise tomorrow and Jude Law will continue to be an irreparable cunt.”

In direct contradiction to Dr Knutt’s findings, Smith is expected to push through a bill making the act of “Having it large” punishable by death.

Teachers Offered ‘Golden Stab Vests’

£10K In BUPA Vouchers For Hard Case Teachers

Teachers who agree to be systematically ignored by the progeny of the underclass in Britain’s worst schools are to be offered £10,000 a year extra in a carefully-worded bribe to be outlined by Gordon Brown today. The deal, to be officially termed as a “Pre-emptive injury settlement” hopes to entice teaching professionals to abandon what little hope they had for enriching young minds in exchange for a fat wad of cash.

“This deal is in recognition of all the difficult work education-givers do in our most troubled schools” said junior Education Minister Chips Ebbsfleet. “If teachers want tearful scenes of appreciation that they’ve proven massively influential in a teenager’s education, then I suggest they buy a copy of ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ and shut the fuck up.”

The payment is to be offered to teachers working in worst-performing schools in the country. NUT person Hoop Knutsford stated “I will be recommending this scheme to all NUT members on the basis that teaching fuck-all to a bunch of subhuman scrotes in exchange for an extra ten large is a no-brainer, even for somebody with such a lack of employment opportunities that they end up being a teacher. We still get all those holidays and the chance to look up the skirts of the sixth-formers, right?”

Applications for teaching posts in schools serving sink estates have trebled following the news. One education recruitment consultant stated “We’re getting hundreds of CVs from aggressive borderline psychopaths with poor pass marks in their PGCE. Many of them realise that ten grand buys a lot of the illegal tasers and brass knucks necessary for the role. And coping with the stress isn’t going to be an issue as they’ll be confiscating enough narcotics from the pupils to bring Keith Moon back to life.”

If the scheme proves a success, the government will be looking at other financial inducements for teachers. These are expected to be on the provisos they avoid getting any pupils pregnant and promise to stop bastard well moaning about doing a five hour day for forty weeks of the year.

In the meantime, many educators have welcomed the move with one unnamed PE teacher saying “Let’s see if I’ve got this right. I spent three years dicking about at some lowbrow ex-polytechnic followed by another couple of years scraping a PGCE, all the while getting bursaries and the like, yes?

“And now they want to give me an extra ten grand for chucking a football at a bunch of mini gangsters and telling them to get on with it for a couple of hours? I tell you what, it’s money for fucking jam, this teaching lark.”

NHS Failing Carry On-Mandated Targets

‘Shocking Lack Of Double Entendres’ Says Report

A study into standards of NHS wards has shown that, for the 36th year running, they have failed to reach the levels of slapstick naughtiness set by Carry On Matron in 1972.

Over 300 wards and 5,00 patients were examined and the compiler of the government paper, Professor Ivor Tumescent-Penis, stated “It is shocking to think that, as a country, we cannot offer the saucy, ramshackle health service that Carry On Matron promised us over 35 years ago. Just eight of the 300 wards were consistently staffed by buxom nurses wearing seamed stockings, less than 5% of employees could locate their swannee whistle for dropped trouser-related incidents and not one patient interviewed said they’d seen Jim Dale fly down a set of stairs riding a hospital trolley.”

The survey was published on the same day the Conservatives attacked Labour for failing to live up to their manifesto promise to abolish mixed-sex wards. Professor Tumescent-Penis feels, however, that these wards might go some way to attaining the ideal of seaside-postcard healthcare.

“A mixed-sex hospital ward offers far more opportunities for male patients to ogle female patients’ frilly night attire, preferably whilst saying “Corblimey” and slapping the back of their neck.” said the professor “Although single-sex wards would accommodate enormous balding men the opportunity to dress as unconvincing female patients. It’s a question of balance.”

The professor also feels that the shortfall is a training issue. “Current NHS training does not equip junior doctors with the skills required to trip over some bandages and inject the buttocks of a prone patient with an enormous hypodermic. Our inspectors were also saddened to find that no nurse monitored had swaddled somebody from head to foot in bandages.”
An NHS spokesperson, responding to the survey, stated “We offer all our patients the highest level of care possible under very difficult circumstances. While we acknowledge that not every ward can provide jaunty music or a hypochondriac male patient who thinks he’s pregnant, we will try our best to ensure that every hospital wing will be renamed something suggestive and naughty by 2011.”

Mugabe Blames Zimbabwe Deaths On Flu

“There’s A Bug Going Round, I Think” Says Murderous Lunatic

Following nearly 800 reported deaths due to a cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has told reporters “There is no such thing as cholera, as any sane person will tell you. All those dead people had that nasty flu bug that has been going around. Half of my office has called in sick with it, you know.”

Mugabe stated that cholera was invented in the 1930s by Walt Disney as a way of explaining the high turnover of staff amongst his animators. The President claims that the Disney creator had an irrational fear of sideburns and would beat hirsute employees over the head with a shovel, bury them in his yard and claim they had fallen victim to the ‘fictitious’ disease. “It’s true” he asserted. “Anyone who could dream up the pink elephants bit in ‘Dumbo’ could easily come up with a fictional disease, too. He was one crazy bastard, let me tell you.”

Mugabe, seemingly taking prompts for his speech from a stuffed Buzz Lightyear doll sat on a high chair next to him, continued “This so-called cholera epidemic is an invention of the west. They want to come over here, invade our beautiful country and appropriate my collection of Pogs for their own ends.” Mugabe added “You have Mad Cow disease in Britain. So do you say Britain should be invaded?” A clearly uncomfortable Gordon Brown responded to Mugabe’s comments by saying “That mad wee yankee fuck only has a couple o’ months in office. Dinnae be giving him no ideas, y’scunner”.

Mugabe’s claims are just the latest in series of unhinged utterances. The recent discovery of 42 bullet-ridden corpses in a mass grave just outside of Bulawayo was dismissed by Mugabe as “A misunderstanding. They were 42 very lazy workers who local farmers tried to wake up by firing guns near them. Sadly, all 42 got in the way of the bullets and fell into a ditch. The impact caused a nearby pile of earth to fall on top of them, causing them to be buried. Perfectly simple explanation. Now, which one of you has been licking all my spoons again? Heads will roll, my friends!!!”

World Health Organisation person Iain Ebbsfleet stated that Mugabe’s stance on the cholera epidemic was “Dangerous, irresponsible and mad as a bear with an itchy fucking arse. Have you ever watched him on the telly? He can’t even blink both eyes at the same time. Jesus.” When asked what the WHO intended to do regarding the crisis, he replied “1/8th of fuck all, pal. Wander into a lawless country ruled by a heavily-armed psychopath with only a bag full of inoculations for protection? He may be off his sodding chump, but I’m not. No, I’m waiting for a typhoid outbreak in the Maldives. Now there’s a health crisis I can get behind.”

Government To Nationalise Clarkson

“If This £20M Takeover Was A Car, It Would Be An Enzo” Boasts Darling

As the motoring industry posted a 37% downturn on cars sold compared with November 2007, the government has stepped in with an emergency buyout of Jeremy Clarkson. A controlling share of the 48-year-old writer, presenter and bigot was purchased by the treasury last night at a cost of £20M.

“We hope to revitalise the car-purchasing giant by an injection of much-needed money. We appreciate, as it’s your money we’re spending, that it’s probably much-needed by you too, but the cheque has been cashed now so there’s very little we can do about it” said Darling this morning.

While Clarkson will remain nominally in control of himself regarding day-to-day issues such as styling his 1980s footballer hair, the government’s 51% share will allow them to intervene in key decisions. “Government control will ensure that Clarkson remains focussed on his key responsibilities – buying lots of cars he doesn’t really need in an attempt to shore up his understandably fragile ego and encouraging others to do the same” said one treasury spokesman.

It is claimed that the furore over Clarkson’s recent jibes at lorry drivers, his frequent homophobic remarks and every item of clothing he has bought since 1992 could have been avoided under governmental control.

The Top Gear presenter met with the press outside his Chipping Norton home to discuss the government buyout. “Now that I belong to Alistair Darling, I don’t want everyone to feel I’ve become slightly beige, somewhat beardy, a little – how can I put it? - light in the wrist area. For that reason I’m going to drive this little beauty” – at this point he indicated a Scorpion tank parked in his driveway – “all the way to France…then blow up some sheep.” He then went on explain that his two Top Gear co-presenters would be racing him to France on a tandem bike and good-naturedly jesting about what an odious heap of dung he is.

Alistair Darling defended Clarkson’s latest stunt, stating “We knew when we took over Clarkson that it would be a controversial purchase. But we’re confident that he’ll soon be re-energising the British car industry by tearing around an air-field in a Morgan sports car and making tortuous similes about how fast it corners.”

100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently

TO READ THIS STORY, PLEASE GO TO THE BEST SATIRE SITE ON THE INTERNET:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/100-nations-agree-to-kill-people-differently-200812041439/


tomorrow (4/12/08).

Thanks.

“Don’t Hurry Back” Obama Tells Clinton

President Elect To “Muddle Through Without Hillary”

On the day Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary Of State when he takes office next year, the president elect said “This is a vital role in a new government dedicated to change. We need somebody who will travel to some of the most dangerous places on the planet and will often be away for months at a time. As soon as I read that job description, I immediately thought of Mrs Clinton.”

As America waits to see whether Obama lives up to his election promises, he has already announced a radical and intensive timetable for his Secretary Of State. “I don’t want to see her anywhere near the White House for at least 18 months” Obama told journalists. “She can send me postcards if she likes, but I’ll be warning US border patrols not to let her back into the US until late 2010 at the earliest.”

“The world is a dangerous, troubled and frightening place and I feel America has a responsibility to engage with these countries as closely as possible” continued Obama. “For that reason, I have compiled a list of the twenty most troubled spots on Earth and Hillary will be going to them all. Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, East Timor – the lot. If there’s a place where amphetamine-fuelled teenagers roam the countryside armed with machetes and AK47s, then I want Mrs Clinton to be there to meet them.”

Concerned with America’s image abroad as a bullying, polluting big brother, Obama has also decreed that Mrs Clinton must use local transport when travelling abroad and has not been allocated any security personnel. “I think the world is tired of seeing Americans arriving in their country armed to the teeth, throwing their weight around” he said “So for that reason, Hillary’s not even going to be allowed to carry a steel comb when she meets with some of the world’s most violent despots.”

Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on her new role, but one insider claims she reacted by saying “So while I’m ducking bullets in some fly-strewn hellhole, he’s smiling for the cameras and shaking hands with Bono. Great. Meanwhile, Bill’s probably going to be elbow-deep in chubby secretary poon. I hate politics.”

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

Latest Step In Restorative Baadaass Justice

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

Jack Straw, Ultimate Harbinger Of Truth & Justice In Albion, defended the scheme, stating “The government feels that there should be a real sense of shame in criminal activity and the punishment should reflect that. I have been holding talks with my American colleague Sweeeet Nathan Brown who advised me that my momma didn’t raise no weak-ass minister and I should make any trifling menial criminal show a brother some respect.”

The ‘Vest Of Shame’ scheme is the first tier of funky restorative justice planned by Straw. Tougher measures proposed include assaulting recidivists using cumbersome, badly performed kung fu and laying some beat down on them with a belt until they recognise who their respective daddies are.

Shami Chakrabarti, the inappropriately cute midget gem and director of human rights group Liberty, has issued a note of caution regarding Straw’s plans, stating “Big pimp restorative justice schemes have been tried in other countries with limited success. Last year, Germany abandoned its “Ich Bein HERR Tibbs” scheme after it was shown that chasing down offenders in 1970 Chevys was both costly and time-consuming.”

“Liberty feel that a more progressive approach to rehabilitating offenders can be seen in Australia with their RomCom program. Under the Australian model, criminals are offered an alternative to custodial sentences by being introduced to another offender whom they initially find completely romantically unsuitable. Over the course of the three-month scheme the offenders are re-integrated into society via a montage of scenes showing the two offenders growing to value each other’s company and eventually falling in love. Cute animals or disabled kids can also be employed to facilitate the transition.”

“The precarious part of the scheme is usually just before its completion, where the two offenders are made to fall out with each other. This is typically down to a misunderstanding over a missed phone call or something. But if the scheme is followed to its completion, previously hardcore recidivists can be expected to walk into a sunset accompanied by Harry Connick Jr singing Sinatra. It really is a very moving form of restorative justice.”

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith

Law To Be Tightened For “Dens Of Dreadfulness”

Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

Smith wants lapdance clubs to be categorised alongside sex shops, peep shows and “Other places that cater to the general vileness of men’s urges. I mean, what’s wrong with a nice cuddle with your wife?”

Her moved has been opposed by club owners including every father’s nightmare Peter Stringfellow. “I don’t want anyone to come to my club thinking they’re going to get a sexual encounter” said the 92-year-old scrawny letch. “Just because my club is rammed full of the stuff wank fantasies are made of and just because my semi-naked girls gyrate around the gaff like they’re trying to scratch their ovaries using their ribs doesn’t mean my clubs are sexual in nature.”

When asked to explain why his clientele visited his clubs, Stringfellow replied “It’s just a place they can come and relax in peace. Most of them like paying a fortune to enter a dimly-lit basement blaring out “Sex Bomb” and sipping overpriced, watered-down beer. It just so happens my clubs have lots nubile women in them who are prepared to frot you until you spooge your kecks for thirty sheets.”

Stringfellow also pointed out that a ‘sexual encounter’ license for his clubs would cost £30,000. “I simply couldn’t afford that. I’ve got enough overheads as it is. Do you know how much it costs to have the gents steam-cleaned every night? It looks like a cake-maker’s whisk come closing time.”

Lapdance workers have also opposed the move. One dancer, Kandee, said “They’re not sexual places to work. Most of us girls only chat with the customers as they just want some company. I think for many of them it’s a form of companionship they’re not getting elsewhere. Now, if you come to the back room I’ll tug you through your trousers for fifty quid.”

But Smith is adamant that the proposed changes become law. “There are twice as many lapdance clubs as there were in 2004” said Smith. “And as the law stands we are powerless to stop them spreading” she added, to a chorus of “Wahey!!” from the assembled journalists.

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”

Obama Favourite For Glenrothes Election

Scottish By-Election “Could Be Watershed Moment”

As voters head to the ballot boxes in the Fife constituency of Glenrothes, early exit polls show Barack Obama as a surprise frontrunner to be elected MP. The election, called after the death of John MacDougall from the embarrassment of being a Labour MP, is expecting a record turnout of over 90% as people flock to show their support for the US assassination target elect. “This is a chance for history to be made” said Glenrothes mayor Glen Ebbsfleet “For the first time ever, an African-American could be both leader of the Free World and backbench Scottish MP.”

As Obama’s name does not appear on the ballot paper, Glenrothes residents have been scrawling his name at the bottom, with a tick next to it. Although the spelling of his name has been variable (“One voting paper said ‘That lovely wee black feller from America who drove Miss Daisy’ on it”, said one ballot counter), it is obvious that the US politician is the local favourite to spearhead Glenrothe’s bid to win the “Best Kept Large Town” once more.

Conservative candidate Maurice Golden has tried to emulate Obama’s oratory in his final election speech, saying “Can we improve public transport to Kinglassie & Freuchi? Yes we can. Can we sustain local businesses after the expansion of the Kingdom Shopping Centre? Yes we can. Can we reinstate the Rosyth ferry service to Belgium? Yes we can. God bless Scotland!”

It is unclear whether Obama will accept the will of the Glenrothes electorate as it was revealed today that back in America, he looks set to inherit a smouldering heap of rubble. As George Bush winds down his term in office, sources close to the president have revealed that he plans to leave little of worth behind. “He’s already taking the batteries out of the smoke alarms and remote controls, the lightbulbs from the back rooms” said one aide. “He’s got his cousin turning up next week to lift up the lawn round back of the White House.”

By the time Obama takes office in January, the White House is expected to be little more than a husk held up with hastily-erected joists as Bush attempts to extract every last dollar of profit from his tenure. “He’s done this before” continued the unnamed aide. “When the new governor of Texas took over after George won the presidency, he walked into his office to find all the carpets missing and ‘Fuk U Budy’ scrawled on the wall in what appeared to be faeces.”

America ‘Now Only Half Racist’

‘It’s All Going To Be Fine” Says Expert

After Barack Obama’s historic victory in the race for the White House, a key US political analyst has stated that “Everything’s gravy from here on in. We can all kick back and let the good times roll. Our hundreds of years of racial oppression are but a distant memory and everything’s been sorted out now.”

Questions are being asked as to how the McCain campaign failed so badly and several theories have been put forward. Some blame the stigma of Bush’s disastrous handling of everything he comes within forty yards of. Others have suggested that McCain always looked on the brink of saying “I’m running for President and I’ve still got all my own teeth, you know.” But most commentators are agreed that the major handicap to McCain’s presidential push was choosing “A slate-eyed fucking lunatic” as vice presidential candidate.

“This was always going to be about capturing the under-represented voting demographic” said Ebbsfleet “And the Democrats had the African-American vote sewn up. Not that the Republicans would have touched a black VP candidate with a burning cross, you understand. So they had to go with a female candidate. From a field of very competent, experienced female senators McCain chose Palin. This proved to be the equivalent of letting Ringo sing.”

“Politics is about power” Ebbsfleet continued “And leaders are often seen as evil geniuses. But Palin was something even worse than that. An evil moron. Carrying on from the Beatles analogies, Palin will surely go down as the Yoko Ono of US politics.”

Many see Obama’s presidency as marking a turning point in US society. “America has a history of racial intolerance” said analyst Jed Ebbsfleet “But with the election of a mixed-race candidate like Obama, we’re halfway to putting that behind us. I think it was unrealistic to expect the American public to vote for a candidate who wasn’t at least partially white, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

Ebbsfleet also feels that, with 52% of the electorate voting for Obama, “We can now be proud to say that, as a nation, we’re now only half racist. Although if half of us voted for a mixed-race guy, that might still make us three-quarters racist. I was never really good at math, like those Asian guys.”

As news broke of Obama’s victory, the streets of Baltimore, Chicago and Washington were filled with crowds comprised of every race, creed and colour singing “The Age Of Aquarius”. Many thousands, previously crippled due to lack of basic medical care, were seen to kick away their crutches and dance with crackheads miraculously free of their addiction. Millions of rednecks were seen crying onto the shoulders of their black neighbours, sobbing heartfelt apologies, while their neighbours were heard to reply “That’s okay, brother. Water under the bridge.”

In his acceptance speech, Obama told the gathered thousands “I am deeply grateful for the faith people have put in me. But now is the time to be realistic. The economy, social deprivation, our military involvement in Iraq, the environment…they’re fucked. All of them. Proper, full-on fucked. Oh dear god. What have I let myself in for? After eight years of Republican rule, I have been sold a frigging pup, haven’t I?”

Daily Mail To Be Extradited

Smith Announces “Littlejohn’s Law”

Between smearing spoonfuls of her own shit against the walls of her cabinet office and rocking in a foetal position under her desk, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today took time out to announce plans of a new bill to ban anybody from the UK who gets on her increasingly-fragile nerves by barking it in a staccato fashion through the gap under her door.

“Preachers of hate have no place in modern UK society” wibbled Smith “So I’m buggering about with the law like a kid with a box of Lego until there’s something in place that gives me legal sanction to kick them out.”

The Catholic Church, braced from their recent buy-out of the Anglican faith, has reacted angrily to the move, stating that the new law constitutes a restriction on trade. “No sensible person wants those brown chaps telling us we’re all evil, of course” said one chap sporting a large pointy hat “But this law will end a tradition that stretches back a thousand years – the right for an unelected man to threaten rooms full of people with menaces over what they choose to do with their unmentionables at home. If Smith’s proposals become law, how are we going to browbeat the poofs then? Answer me that one.”

The ex-Judaic faith is not the only group affected by the product of Smith’s misfiring head. Many predict that The Daily Mail will cease to function as a publication under the new laws. “You couldn’t make it up in a handcart” said excremental fat cunt Richard Littlejohn “This is just a green light for gays to start demanding my tax money, waving dildos at me in a threatening manner. Some of them will be dirty gypsies too, just you wait and see.”

Media analysts have estimated that without recourse to the demonisation of minority groups, the misrepresentation of statistics and outright fearmongering lies, The Daily Mail will be little more than a four-page set of horse racing results surrounded by adverts for Mediterranean cruises.

Smith, however, was adamant that her proposals become law as soon as possible. “We cannot have people entering the country with the intention of stirring up tensions. We want to send out a message – ‘If your views differ in the smallest iota to Labour Party doctrine – which we reserve the right to change as & when things go cock-shaped – then you may as well stay on the plane. This country did not become the greatest democracy in the world by allowing dissenting voices to be heard.”

Smith’s further justification for the law – to protect her brainwaves from being raped by Arab-shaped invaders – was later dismissed by Labour press officers as “Just Jacqui before the pills kick in. Pay it no mind.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”


Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”


Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

“Bezz Fuggin Mate” Sighted Over Heathrow

“They Made Me Phone My Ex Girlfriend” Said Dishevelled Pilot

Newly-released MOD files have revealed dozens of UFO sightings over Britain in the last twenty years reported by airline pilots and members of the public. One incident in 1991 records “Strange, bottle-shaped craft” being reported by pilot Sid Ebbsfleet on his approach to Heathrow. The encounter caused Ebbsfleet to fly the plane erratically and he believes the aliens used “mind-rays or something” on him as he attempted to land.

“I remember the day specifically as before we took off I’d had a blazing row with my girlfriend over things I definitely didn’t do with her sister. I’d spent a couple of hours in the airport bar, sipping just a diet coke and nothing else to calm myself down. As we were taking off I started to feel the effects of the alien’s mind control taking over as they forced me to argue with my co-pilot about who England’s best ever goalkeeper was.”

The strange phenomena continued throughout the flight, with passengers seeing Ebbsfleet stagger up and down the plane in search of the toilet, attempting to rouse them into a chorus of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. As the flight began its final descent into Heathrow, Ebbsfleet caught a glimpse of the craft that had been causing his mental disturbance.

“It was a weird, out-of-body sensation. It felt like I was actually huddled in the corner of the cockpit hugging a giant Toblerone rather than being sat in the pilot’s chair. As I looked out of the window I could see several small bottle-shaped craft whiz across my field of vision. I think they were trying to communicate with me via my co-pilot, but their translation technology must not be as advanced as they think, because it just sounded like he was calling me a drunken cock-end.”

Ebbsfleet‘s trauma continued even after he’d left the plane. “I think I angered the aliens with my resistance to their brain-manipulation because on my way out of Heathrow, they forced me to call my ex to call her a lying frigid bitch, fall over and throw up outside of Boots. It was a terrifying experience.”

Ebbsfleet’s encounter is just one of dozens listed in the MOD archives. These range from unusual light formations spotted in the sky to letters from people claiming to be stranded aliens. Swivel-eyed moron and Ufologist Dr Kenneth Knutsford claims “These files are dynamite and definite proof of alien contact. We are not alone. Well, I live in a bedsit, but you know what I mean.”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown

“I Got Recession For You, If You Were Born In The 80s” Says PM

Amid a barrage of criticism about basically everything, Gordon Brown has hit back by calling Labour’s policies “A kitsch, ironic homage to the 80s. Anyone who doesn’t understand is just such a loser.” In an unprecedented move, the government have released an explanatory booklet entitled “Now That’s What I Call Governance” in which they attempt to link every manifest failure to icons of 1980s living. Key components include:


Unemployment: Harking back to the days of Coal Not Dole, the Government are introducing an employment scheme called “Labour’s Not Working: Redux.” It is hoped that as the unemployment figures pass the three million mark, this will inspire a new wave of great bands as it did in the 80s. If properly managed, Britain could have another UB40 on its hands, once more marking this country out as a centre of excellence for anaemic, gingerheaded cod-reggae.

Terrorism: While the Northern Irish Peace Treaty did potentially end hundreds of years of internecine bloodshed, it also left the public crying out for footage of people being bundled in the back of vans, hurried evacuations of shopping centres and the lengthy incarceration of innocent suspects. We’ve taken a great 80s idea – the bogeyman of violent terrorism – and updated it for the multicultural 21st century by slapping a turban on it. Also, by 2009, we intend to bring in a law demanding that any Muslim cleric appearing on the news has his voice overdubbed like we did with that bearded chap back in the day.

Iraq War: Erm, hello? The Falklands? How 80s was that? The Labour Party will not repeat mistakes made by the Tory government and is determined this time to have British soldiers killed pointlessly in a country that’s a lot warmer.


Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

“The last cabinet reshuffle was decided by a random sequence of colours generated by a game of Simon. And it’s clear that our financial policy of loading the economy with unsecured credit until it exploded was closely modelled on Buckaroo.”

“Just Shoot Suspects” PM Advises

42-Day Detention Scrapped In Favour Of Summary Execution

After the House Of Lords quashed Labour plans to allow police to detain terror suspects for 42 days without charge, Gordon Brown has pledged to continue with the existing policy of emptying an entire pistol into their head. Labour’s counter-terrorism bill asked for the ability to hold terrified suspects for 6 weeks of nebulous threats without charging them with any crime as long as they passed the ‘Threshold test’ of being a bit mouthy, foreign-looking or an electrician.

But the bill was defeated by 191 votes in the House of Lords last night, with one senior peer stating “The existing detention period of 28 days is perfectly sufficient to exhaust standard investigative techniques. We do not believe a further 14 days is needed to piss in ocular cavities, force suspects to eat their own excrement or beat the soles of their feet with garden hose.”

While the political wrangling continues, the police have been told to carry on with their policy of dropping anybody they feel like with little or no evidence to suggest they’re dangerous. Chief Inspector Knutsford stated “Terrorists are wily creatures, with ways different to our own. They don’t need food or oxygen and can morph into the shape of a cat at will. Who can say how they plan to attack us next?”

Gordon Brown has vowed to continue fighting for the bill to be passed, and Labour will hold a version of it in reserve in case a terrorist emergency occurs. As one Labour spokesman said “Never know what’s round the corner, you get me? Look at that London Eye, for instance. It’d only take one nutter with a bomb and the whole thing would collapse like a mugged granny, yeah? Wait and see, my friend, wait and see…”

The PM stated “We are disappointed that this bill has been defeated and feel that the House of Lords may as well give Bin Laden a foot massage for all the help they’ve been. This government will not shirk its responsibilities when it comes to national security, especially at times like these, because while I’m talking to you now, you’re not even thinking about how fucked the economy is. Damn. You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you?”

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’

Mayor Backs 2013 ‘City Of Jizz’ Application

London mayor Boris Johnson has promised Londoners blanket WiFi coverage in a bid to have the capital’s populace “Wanking like a bunch of caged monkeys” during an interview with BBC London Radio.

Asked to speak about the technological challenges facing London, Johnson said “Mankind’s intellectual and scientific development can be measured by our ability to access really high-quality grot. For instance, before the invention of the printing press, only those monk chappies could get their hands on woodcuts of maids with their charlies out. But by the use of movable type, Gutenberg democratised bongo for everyone.”

“By installing WiFi coverage across London, it shows us for the forward thinking, cutting edge city we are. It will send a message out across the world that our citizens are second to none in their ability to download scenes of Belgian stippling, clown rinsing and three-way dirty octopus action.”

Johnson believes that blanket WiFi coverage will help the capital’s bid to be named European City Of Jizz for 2013. The main contenders for the honour are Amsterdam, Berlin and Paris, with outsiders The Vatican City also believed to be making a bid.

London organisers have already drawn up a prospective timetable of events, including a wheelbarrow version of the marathon, the opening of “The Museum Of Anal Play” and a spectacular open-air bukkake porn shoot in Regent’s Park. The year-long celebrations would culminate on New Year’s Eve with confetti being fired from aeroplanes across the capital in what organisers describe as “The world’s biggest ever money shot.”

Reaction to the mayor’s plans were mainly positive, with one London cab driver commenting “As it stands, I have to wait until the missus goes to the shops before I can have a right good look at Dutch birds having things stuffed into them. But with internet access across London, I could carry on stirring my hairy cuppa while driving customers about. Marvellous.”

However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

Vampire Alerts Plan Launched

“We Need Protection From Denizens Of The Night” Says Blithering Moron

A pilot police scheme is being launched in Cleveland, Hampshire & Whitby allowing concerned parents to ask whether a friend, neighbour or strangely-accented occupant of a nearby castle is a soulless demon driven by a relentless thirst for blood.

Under the scheme, popularly titled “Van Helsing’s Law”, police authorities will be authorised to inform local families, innkeepers and peasant farmers whether somebody with access to their comely virgins has previous convictions for vampirism.

Calls for the scheme came from the high-profile murder of Wilhemina Murray, who was abducted and killed by serial bloodsucker Prince Vlad of Wallachia. Vlad gained the trust of the Murray family by posing as a Romanian violin teacher and the Murrays have campaigned ever since for increased information sharing by looking upset outside Parliament, conducting interviews entitled “My Pain” in hypocritically voyeuristic tabloids and saying “See? It’s happened again” every time a similar crime occurs.

The new powers begin in three days’ time when the moon shall brood gibbous in a storm-tossed sky. A typical scenario could see a concerned, potbellied innkeeper worried that his busty young daughter has stopped flirting innocently with the regulars, has become pale & withdrawn and whispers “My master calls to me” when the howling of wolves is heard. In such a situation, the innkeeper could ask the police to consult their database to see if the new master of the castle is on the Succubi Register.

But some are concerned that the new law could drive vampires further underground. “The registered undead might be currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and prescription plasma to stop them re-offending. But if their nocturnal proclivities become common knowledge, they could easily transform into a horde of bats and disappear into the night” said expert person Ebbsfleet Harker.

There are also worries that the new powers might increase vigilante attacks. “When a similar law was trialled in Budapest” said Harker “Police had to deal with a number of pitchfork-wielding mobs storming perfectly innocent castles and impaling the inhabitants. In one instance, they even killed a haematologist called Val Pyre in a case of mistaken identity.”

But the Murray family are adamant that the implementation of ‘Van Helsing’s Law’ is a step in the right direction. “It’s a start, but more is needed to protect our voluptuous milkmaids and serving girls. We want to see all vampires undergo chemical castration using garlic injections and to allow the police to use holy water against repeat offenders. Nothing can bring our little Wilhelmina back, but if our campaign continues to allow us to use our grief as a stick to beat everyone else over the head with, then that’s something.”

Government ‘Powerless To Stop Energy Firms Acting The Cunt’

“We’re Getting Our Wedge And That’s That” Says Eon Chief Exec

Following the government’s industry-financed package to help ease fuel costs for low-income families, Business Secretary John Hutton has admitted “Our hands are tied if energy suppliers take it upon themselves to recoup their losses in an arbitrary, unusual or unreasonable manner. Essentially, they’re going to squeeze you for cash until your cock bleeds and there’s sod all we can do about it. Sorry.”

The government’s plan to assist poor households included filling their walls with old newspapers, giving them those lightbulbs that take six hours to get bright and having somebody pop round once a day in shorts and a t-shirt saying “Blimey, I’m sweating cobs, me. You’ve not got your heating on, have you?”

The scheme, costing £910M, is to be financed by the major UK energy suppliers. After the meeting where the deal was finalised, Eon Chief Executive Paul Golby was quoted as saying “Over the past five years, Eon has shown its dedication to sustainable energy resources, streamlining service delivery and sponsoring local partnerships.”

“But our key focus is to keep whacking our prices up to the point where if you light your fag off the cooker ring, the gas used will cost more than the fag smoked. Mr Hutton has just bent me over his desk and rimmed £910M large out of me. Do you think I’m going to take it out on our customers? Do you? What do you fucking well think?”

Shortly after signing up to the fuel assistance scheme, Eon announced it would be exploring new methods in debt management, due to start next month. They are to include:

Waiting for elderly customers to return to their house on pension day, blocking their front door and saying “Looking pretty flush there, granny, aren’t we? Why don’t we both go inside, you stick the kettle on and we’ll talk about this bill of yours, sweetheart, eh?”

Tracking customers down to their local pub, standing next to them at the bar and demanding that they buy everyone in the pub a drink as ”You’ve clearly got money to throw around the gaff, ain’t you? Or you could settle your score with Eon and stop mugging us off, you fucking ponce.”

Sending bill reminders that contain covert photographs of the bill-payer’s children with the message “Lovely girl, your daughter. Must be coming up to sixteen soon, right? Grow up so quick, they do. She could pass for – what – eighteen? Nineteen? Not a court in the land would convict you, mate. Now when people owe us money, the court’s in our pocket. Anyway, think on. All the best, your friend Eon.”