Christmas Toy Bestsellers Announced

British Toy Association’s Top Tantrum Inducers

With the economy wheezing on its back like on 80-year-old ex-miner in a forest fire, many have predicted that Christmas 2008 will not be a bumper year for toy retailers. But Nikon Ebbsfleet, head of the British Toy Association, disagrees.

“There are many reasons for toy manufacturers to be optimistic” said Ebbsfleet. “The housing market has shown a slight upturn, inflation rates have been lowered to combat the recession, but most importantly children are solipsistic, screaming bundles of Id that want their desires met immediately. A parent may as well kick an umbrella at the clouds to stop it raining as get between a bawling infant and the toy it wants.”

Ebbsfleet listed his predicted best-sellers for Christmas 2008.

1: Dubai Island
Following the runaway success of Tracy Island in 1992, Mattel have updated the concept for the 21st century. Dubai Island recreates all the thrills of vulgar, excessive opulence for 8-12 year olds. In the hotel concert room, a miniature Celine Dion belts out “My Heart Will Go On” at the push of a button to a crowd of lovingly-recreated despots, faded rock stars and their marble-eyed model girlfriends.

Kids can have fun trying to smuggle gay hotel guests past the armed guards at reception and jolt with delight as the scale model 15’ high electric fence keeps out those pesky poor locals!
(Accessories, such as jewel-encrusted dolphins for the swimming pool, start at £1.8M)

2: Knifeys
From the makers of Heelys come Knifeys, the fashion footwear that comes with a kick! Available in a range of funky, colourful designs, Knifeys are the comfortable new way to make your mark at school, in the playground or at home. Just shift your weight to your heels and a durable, six inch, Teflon-coated hunting blade will deploy from the front of the shoe, making you the king of the cool kids. Tip your weight forward and the patented design cleans the blade as it retracts back into the sole of the shoe. Your folks, your friends and the police will be none the wiser!

3: Credit Crunch Monopoly
All the fun of the original, with a contemporary twist of global financial meltdown. The Old Kent Road still costs £60, but now so does everything else. You start with houses on every property, and the object of the game is to manage to get around the board three times without having all of them repossessed.

Choose your board piece carefully, too. Pick the car and you’ll soon be in financial trouble as each move costs you an extra £10 congestion charge. Choose the top hat and you’ll find yourself ducking the bricks thrown at you by anti-capitalist rioters.

There a dozens of other updates to look out for, from the “Get Out Of Jail On A Technicality” card to “You Won 2nd Prize In A Beauty Contest – Get Date-Raped By A Portugese Premiership Footballer In A Hotel Room” in the ‘Chance’ pile.

Credit Crunch Monopoly – however you play it, we’re all absolutely fucked!

46% Of Adults “Never Seen A Child”

“Are They Some Breed Of Deer?” Ask Poll Subjects

A recent survey by Barnardo’s showed that 46% of British adults are not petrified into a shivering funk of terror at the thought of encountering a swarm of barely-coherent youths high on glue & WKD on some blood-sodden street corner.

This has prompted Dale Ebbsfleet, who conducted the survey on the charity’s behalf, to conclude “We can only assume that these people have never actually met any children. Either that or they were so traumatised by their last encounter that they foolishly consider children to be twinkle-eyed Enid Blyton-esque creations who’d never dream of breaking into your flat, shitting on your couch and pinching anything narrow enough to fit through the doors of Cash Converters.”

However, Barnardo’s have cautioned against demonising Britain’s youth, claiming the vast majority of teenagers are “Decent and caring” and that terms like “Feral & Vermin” should be avoided.

This view was contested by Jez Template, whose Knutsford corner shop has been the target of 347 youth-related crimes since October. “Decent and caring, you say?” asked Template. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. If you’d have said “Hormonally driven to drink, hump, stab or steal everything they can get their hands on” then I’d have known who you were talking about. Only last week I had a pair of little twatters come into the shop. They set fire to a copy of ‘Razzle’, fucked the ashes, then pocketed the charred remains.”

When asked what alternative terms should be used to describe the youths who have targeted his shop, Template replied “Well if they won’t let me call them feral vermin I’m going to have to go for “Inexcusable shitheaps”. Is that okay? Anyway, I’m going to have to go. A bunch of twelve year olds are stabbing up my greeting card display for disrespecting them.”

But Barnardo’s continue to assert that many problem children have issues at home that drive them into criminal activity. One spokesperson stated “A lack of parental control, undiagnosed learning difficulties, even a poor diet can all contribute to antisocial behaviour. That and the fact they’re a bunch of amoral shitehawks.”

Vampire Alerts Plan Launched

“We Need Protection From Denizens Of The Night” Says Blithering Moron

A pilot police scheme is being launched in Cleveland, Hampshire & Whitby allowing concerned parents to ask whether a friend, neighbour or strangely-accented occupant of a nearby castle is a soulless demon driven by a relentless thirst for blood.

Under the scheme, popularly titled “Van Helsing’s Law”, police authorities will be authorised to inform local families, innkeepers and peasant farmers whether somebody with access to their comely virgins has previous convictions for vampirism.

Calls for the scheme came from the high-profile murder of Wilhemina Murray, who was abducted and killed by serial bloodsucker Prince Vlad of Wallachia. Vlad gained the trust of the Murray family by posing as a Romanian violin teacher and the Murrays have campaigned ever since for increased information sharing by looking upset outside Parliament, conducting interviews entitled “My Pain” in hypocritically voyeuristic tabloids and saying “See? It’s happened again” every time a similar crime occurs.

The new powers begin in three days’ time when the moon shall brood gibbous in a storm-tossed sky. A typical scenario could see a concerned, potbellied innkeeper worried that his busty young daughter has stopped flirting innocently with the regulars, has become pale & withdrawn and whispers “My master calls to me” when the howling of wolves is heard. In such a situation, the innkeeper could ask the police to consult their database to see if the new master of the castle is on the Succubi Register.

But some are concerned that the new law could drive vampires further underground. “The registered undead might be currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and prescription plasma to stop them re-offending. But if their nocturnal proclivities become common knowledge, they could easily transform into a horde of bats and disappear into the night” said expert person Ebbsfleet Harker.

There are also worries that the new powers might increase vigilante attacks. “When a similar law was trialled in Budapest” said Harker “Police had to deal with a number of pitchfork-wielding mobs storming perfectly innocent castles and impaling the inhabitants. In one instance, they even killed a haematologist called Val Pyre in a case of mistaken identity.”

But the Murray family are adamant that the implementation of ‘Van Helsing’s Law’ is a step in the right direction. “It’s a start, but more is needed to protect our voluptuous milkmaids and serving girls. We want to see all vampires undergo chemical castration using garlic injections and to allow the police to use holy water against repeat offenders. Nothing can bring our little Wilhelmina back, but if our campaign continues to allow us to use our grief as a stick to beat everyone else over the head with, then that’s something.”

Test Tube Baby Killed In Gang Shooting

“He Literally Had His Whole Life Ahead Of Him” Says Weeping Mother

The number of youths killed in gang-related violence increased by one yesterday, as well as sending their average age spiralling downwards, as a test tube baby was gunned down in an East London fertility clinic.

Met police say that in the early hours of Tuesday morning, Cheese Ebbsfleet was with a group of other test tube babies in Samples, a notorious Drum n Bass fertility clinic in Hackney, when a gang of test tube babies burst in, spraying the room with bullets believed to have been fired from a semi-automatic weapon.

A cleaner, who did not wish to be named, was working in the clinic on the night of the killing and described the series of events immediately before the shooting. “I was just wiping down the freezers when I heard clinking, which I now realise was the sound of test tubes barging their way into the clinic. The next thing I know I hear gunshots."

Ebbsfleet was shot several times and is believed to have died at the scene of his injuries. No other embryos were hurt in the shooting. Police have urged for calm in the zygote community and are on full alert for the possibility of revenge killings.

“Ebbsfleet was part of a local pre-birth gang known as the Pyrex Warriors” said Met person Gregg Knutsford. “Early questioning of his associates suggests the attack happened after he had stolen a petri dish belonging to a rival gang calling themselves IVF Cru.”

The four assailants have been described by police as being “Approximately 12 days old, pink, wearing protective clothing made of agar gel.” Flowers were laid at the scene of the shooting this morning bearing messages such as “Cheese – Bad Congregation Of Cells Of Undetermined Gender 4 Life” and “Miscarriage Of Justice”

Ebbsfleet’s potential mother was being consoled by family and friends but released a short statement. “Cheese was a good eukaryote and would never hurt anyone. My womb is still the way I left it ready for his implantation. I can’t bear to look at it now.”

Maddie Sighted Every Twelve Seconds

Missing Toddler "Seen In More Places Than Starbucks"

The frequency that abductee of hearts Madeleine McCann is being sighted is increasing every day, says media person Jose Ebbsfleet. According to the unemployed pipefitter and part-time media commentator she is currently spotted more often than Elvis and Kurt Cobain combined and is set to become the most-sighted actually-dead person in Europe by late August.

"When she first went missing, people would report having seen her once every two days" said Ebbsfleet "With the obvious exception of her parents, who haven't seen her since they dumped her body..."(the next part of Ebbsfleet's statement was removed after a request from Kate & Gerry McCann's increasingly-busy lawyers). "But Maddie is currently being spotted once every twelve seconds. We can only assumed she has cracked the art of space and time travel to be in all these places at once."

However, if the rate of Maddie's sightings continue at their current rate, by Christmas there could be a tipping point where the toddler could be the only thing people see wherever they look. "Remember that scene in Being John Malkovich" asked Ebbsfleet "Where he goes into the restaurant and everyone looks like John Malkovich? Come Christmas, it's going to be like that, only with Maddies wherever you look."

Ebbsfleet closed with a chilling warning. "By the middle of 2009, the world's population will be effectively blind. Whenever anybody opens their eyes, all they will see is the missing toddler being led away by some swarthy foreign types..."

Drunk Kids Cause Less Bother, Claims Cameron

“Pissed Toddlers Can Barely Hold A Knife” Says Tory Leader



David Cameron has suggested parents get their kids as twatted as possible, starting immediately, in order to reduce youth-related crime. In a hard-hitting, in-depth political interview conducted by Radio 1, the Tory leader said “The disease of knife crime, antisocial behaviour and car theft could be removed at a stroke if the little blighters were so cunted they couldn’t walk 10 yards without falling over.”

Cameron, interviewed for Radio 1’s “Politics, Yeah?” spot talked about his childhood growing up in a fucking huge estate the size of a landlocked South American country. He went on to show how his formative years were exactly like those of a 14-year-old illiterate asboid living on a diet of frozen chips and WKD on a sink estate in Knutsford.

“All the people I know who have drink problems were those who weren’t allowed alcohol growing up” said Cameron. “Whereas the people who were knocking back the Quinta Da Novel like it was Ribena when they were ten have grown up to be well-balanced, if gout-ridden, adults.”

Just as Margaret Thatcher became known as the person responsible for taking the milk from nursery school children, Cameron wants to be known as “The man who introduced a generation of toddlers to claret.” He also outlined plans for alcohol education for children up to the age of 16. “By the time they leave school, every child should be able to tell the difference between a Lafite, a Latour and a Blue Nun.”

Should the Tories regain control in the next election, they will also give police new “Stop & Shotgun” powers in a bid to placate the nation’s youths. Any rowdy child could be forced to neck several shots of tequila until they lack the basic motor functions required to commit crime. They are advertising the proposed policy with the campaign slogan “Parents - Do You Know Where Your Child Is Puking Into A Hedge?”

Fuel Prices Hit Teen Drug Users

80% Cannot Afford Butane Addiction


Spiralling fuel prices have forced many teenage drug users to look to alternative methods for getting fucked off their tit, says drug counselling service Addaction. With gas prices due to rise 70% in the coming months, many teens simply cannot twock car stereos fast enough to meet their demand for butane, which will crash through the £4 per can barrier by September. In comparison the base rate of inflation for pocket money has been a mere 8%

“The government needs to act on this immediately” said Ryan Ebbsfleet of Addaction “or the nation’s can-heads will simply be priced out of the market.” Addaction feels that fuel price rises will have the effect of marginalising the poorer elements of society. “There was a time when solvent abuse was the most egalitarian of drug addictions. You didn’t need to have a silver spoon in your mouth to have a lighter refill up your nose.”

“But now it’s going to be the rush of choice for the middle classes. Only the privileged will be able to get munted on aerosols and as usual, the lower classes get left behind.”

Ebbsfleet has estimated that by February 2009, it will be cheaper to mong yourself up on generic brand sherry than solvents and a way cabbaging the nation’s young will be lost forever. “It will go the way of badger-baiting and mead as a way of kids getting their rocks off. Gas-huffing will be something people will tell their grandchildren about.”

Already, some enterprising youths have begun sourcing alternative forms of high. The Knutsford Pony Club has already reported 45 of their horses having their hooves cut off. “The little bleeders sneak in here of an evening, anaesthetise the horses, cut their hooves off and bugger off to boil them down for glue to sniff. It’s disgusting. Why don’t they just shoot up the horse tranquiliser, that’s what I want to know? I used to love sinking into a K-hole as a kid.”

Maddie Parents ‘Nicer Than Jesus’

Police Say McCanns “Smell Really Lovely, Too”

Portugese police have formally announced that they consider Kate & Gerry McCann to be “Really, really great people. Just super. They had absolutely nothing to do with their daughter’s disappearance and it’d take somebody with a far better legal team than us to say otherwise.”

Portugese police chief Alberto del Ebbsfleet took the unprecedented step of listing specifically what the McCanns had not done wrong. They were:

1: Leaving a small child in an unlocked apartment out of sight and earshot to get drunk with their friends. “Many people ask why they didn’t hire a hotel babysitter or use the hotel crèche. This is nonsense. I have fine olive groves at home. Do I leave somebody to watch them when I go to work? No. If somebody pisses on them, sets fire to them, it is a risk I have to take. And they took many more years to grow than Madeleine.”

2: Using the Madeleine Fund to pay for an extended beano in Portugal as well as jaunts to the US, Africa and having their picture taken with a pope. “Having a child go missing is an intensely upsetting thing to have happen, especially if it wasn’t you that killed the child then dumped it down a well somewhere, which they absolutely did not do. While most people would go home to be with their family and friends, they decided to go and see a bit of the world. It took their minds off things. Where’s the harm in that? And anyway, wouldn’t you want to meet Oprah? I would.”

3: Attempting to use the Madeleine Fund to pay their legal fees. “We know, from experience of trying to run a normal investigation and therefore asking pertinent questions about the McCanns, just how costly legal fees can be. I’ve seen the bill the McCanns sent us. With a combined wage of about £200,000 a year, it would be foolish to expect them to pay for their own legal fees. I’m sure all the people who sent in teddy bears would not object to them being sold on ebay and the profits used to sue The Express.”


Del Ebbsfleet went on to list other things the McCanns were not to blame for, including “The Middle East war, inflation, existential angst and the existence of piles. But, and I need to make this clear in a legally binding sense, they absolutely have never done anything wrong at all ever in relation to the disappearance of their daughter.”

Hundreds of other children, less pretty and middle-class unfortunately, have gone missing since Madeleine McCann’s disappearance and Push Jelly has been asked to point out that the McCanns had nothing to do with their disappearance either.

Halle Berry Child Name Outrage

“What’s Wrong With Ginseng?” Berry Asked

Halle Berry faced accusations of irresponsible parenting, immaturity and possible child abuse after naming her child “Dave”. Celebrity parents have been quick to round on Berry, who won an Oscar in 2004 for her role as a troubled widow in ‘Catwoman’.

“She is clearly picking a name like that to be different” said Tom Cruise, father of Suri, in a press conference earlier today. “We work in a profession where everybody wants to stand out as an individual. Now you can do that by being a great actor, a great humanitarian or being a closet homosexual cult leader with a spouse twice your size. But choosing a stupid, gimmicky name like Dave just isn’t an acceptable way of doing things.”

“The little guy’s life is going to be hell” said Gwyneth Paltrow, mother of Moses and Apple, before bursting into tears. Paltrow, who was attending the premiere of he latest film Straight To Video, said “Imagine the grief he’s going to get in the playground with a name like – how do you pronounce it? – Dave? He’ll be the only one there not named after a god, or a prophet or a piece of fruit or something. Poor little thing.”

Showbiz reporter Molina Ebbsfleet has suggested that Berry’s fragile mental state might be the reasons for naming her child Dave. “If ‘Dave’ wasn’t bad enough, we’ve had unconfirmed reports that his middle name is ‘John’. This would be okay if it was after John Lennon or Kennedy, but it turns out Berry had an uncle named John who she grew up with. She’s clearly going off the rails. She came out of the hospital and allowed the press to take photos of the baby, rather than bundling him out of the service exit in an armoured vehicle. She hasn’t even installed gun turrets in the family home for his protection.”

But one celebrity did come to Berry’s defence. Bob Geldof, father of Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie Frou Frou & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, said “Feck off and leave the poor wee girl alone. There’s nothing fecking wrong wth a name like Dave. Sure, I’d have called the kids Mary, Theresa and Josephine if it wasn’t for the dead missus. What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing. I think she thought she was naming types of Laura Ashley fabric, meself.”

Care Home Investigation Reveals ‘Shocking Lack Of Abuse’

'It Was Nothing Like A Scene From Dickens' Says Stunned Inspector

State inspectors looking into allegations made against a children’s home in Knutsford have found “An almost unbelievable lack of neglect, mismanagement or fiddling.”

Inpectors descended onto the children’s home in the early hours of Sunday morning, prepared with dozens of counsellors, minibuses to bundle away traumatised youths and a box full of ‘Show Me Where They Touched You’ dolls. However, the scene that met them when they arrived was, in the words of one inspector “A breathtaking display of compassion, warmth and support.”

“In twenty years of doing this job, I’ve never seen anything like it.” said managing inspector Annie Ebbsfleet. “Every time we looked into a new room, there were further examples of hand-painted murals, comfortable furniture and in the main office there were even letters of thanks from former residents. Nothing can prepare you for stuff like this.”

“At first it seemed like an ordinary child abuse swoop. All the kids were huddled in one room, crying and shaking. We were all ready to ferry the children away to temporary foster homes across the country, severing ties with their friends so they’d not be reminded of the systematic sexual abuse they’d suffered. But it soon became apparent their distress was due to us kicking the doors in and subduing all the staff with a baton charge.”

Once the situation had calmed down and the children had been seperately interviewed, the full truth came to light. “We employed our standard interview technique. The kids were spoken to seperately in a room full of unfamiliar care-giving professionals. We told them that they could tell us anything – had they been starved? Beaten, perhaps? Had any grownup pushed something up their bottoms? I then roleplayed a brutal shower rape to see if it rung any bells with any of the kids. But not a dicky bird. It was quite extraordinary.”

Ebbsfleet said that investigations were not yet complete, but early indications seem to suggest that the home offered professional, caring support to vulnerable youths in a clean, safe environment and was staffed by hard-working, dedicated individuals. “It’s only a matter of time, though. Maybe there’s asbestos in the roof or they’re fiddling their taxes. There’s always something. If not, there’s a nursing home down the road and they’re always good for a bit of neglect. It’s not all doom and gloom.”