News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Degenerate ‘Not Killed By Other Degenerates’
Metropolitan Police have confirmed that convicted paedophile Andrew Cunningham has been brutally murdered by as-yet-unknown ordinary, moral, upstanding members of the public who know right from wrong and just want to see a bit of justice for our Maddie.

Met spokesperson Jasper Ebbsfleet confirmed that the vicious attack, which included stab wounds to the head, neck, chest and genitals, was most likely the work of somebody “Trying to stab the paedophilia out of Mr Cunningham. It’s a widely-suspected fact that paedophilia lurks in the groinal region and we imagine this was a well-meaning intervention that got out of hand. I would hate for the public to think that anybody willing to sustain a frenzied knife holocaust on somebody’s happysack might have some serious, deep-seated issues of their own.”

Police are placing adverts in The Sun and The Daily Mail, asking every reader to turn themselves in for questioning.

Christmas Post To Go Unstolen
After a ballot of its members, the Commerical Workers Union have confirmed that 2,000 Royal Mail sorting office staff are to go on strike from December 19th, leaving thousands of Christmas gifts to sit in warehouses, rather than being sold in nearby pubs by posties. The industrial action, prompted by proposed office closures, will affect post in Stockport, Bolton and Liverpool. Experts claim these locations were chosen by union members as they are key areas for parcel tampering.

Royal Mail have responded by stating they will draft in temporary workers to steal the public’s cash, gift vouchers and presents, but Union representative Bob Knutsford claims that unskilled workers cannot hope to replicate the level of pilfering achieved by qualified sorters.

“A temp might rip open something that looks like a card or pick up a box to rattle” said Knutsford “But our members have had years of experience in spotting the telltale signs of something valuable inside – if it’s heavily taped-up, has a return address in Surrey or if it’s addressed to somebody called “Rupert” for instance.”


“ Meat Hook Sodomy Lane” Unveiled
After 13 roads in Dartford, birthplace of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger, were renamed after Rolling Stones songs, the US town of Buffalo has followed suit. The death metal group Cannibal Corpse were raised in Buffalo and council members have voted overwhelmingly to rename several streets in the group’s honour.

“Lark Street will now be known as Rancid Amputation Boulevard and Willow Road is now called Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt Mews” said the town’s mayor. “We think it will really make our town stand out as a tourist location, especially for pale, socially inept teenage boys with a penchant for horror movies and trenchcoats.”

Gerry Rafferty’s claim that Baker Street in Paisley, birthplace of the busker’s favourite, was named after his 1978 hit, has been dismissed by local as “Absolute pish”.

Vampire Alerts Plan Launched

“We Need Protection From Denizens Of The Night” Says Blithering Moron

A pilot police scheme is being launched in Cleveland, Hampshire & Whitby allowing concerned parents to ask whether a friend, neighbour or strangely-accented occupant of a nearby castle is a soulless demon driven by a relentless thirst for blood.

Under the scheme, popularly titled “Van Helsing’s Law”, police authorities will be authorised to inform local families, innkeepers and peasant farmers whether somebody with access to their comely virgins has previous convictions for vampirism.

Calls for the scheme came from the high-profile murder of Wilhemina Murray, who was abducted and killed by serial bloodsucker Prince Vlad of Wallachia. Vlad gained the trust of the Murray family by posing as a Romanian violin teacher and the Murrays have campaigned ever since for increased information sharing by looking upset outside Parliament, conducting interviews entitled “My Pain” in hypocritically voyeuristic tabloids and saying “See? It’s happened again” every time a similar crime occurs.

The new powers begin in three days’ time when the moon shall brood gibbous in a storm-tossed sky. A typical scenario could see a concerned, potbellied innkeeper worried that his busty young daughter has stopped flirting innocently with the regulars, has become pale & withdrawn and whispers “My master calls to me” when the howling of wolves is heard. In such a situation, the innkeeper could ask the police to consult their database to see if the new master of the castle is on the Succubi Register.

But some are concerned that the new law could drive vampires further underground. “The registered undead might be currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and prescription plasma to stop them re-offending. But if their nocturnal proclivities become common knowledge, they could easily transform into a horde of bats and disappear into the night” said expert person Ebbsfleet Harker.

There are also worries that the new powers might increase vigilante attacks. “When a similar law was trialled in Budapest” said Harker “Police had to deal with a number of pitchfork-wielding mobs storming perfectly innocent castles and impaling the inhabitants. In one instance, they even killed a haematologist called Val Pyre in a case of mistaken identity.”

But the Murray family are adamant that the implementation of ‘Van Helsing’s Law’ is a step in the right direction. “It’s a start, but more is needed to protect our voluptuous milkmaids and serving girls. We want to see all vampires undergo chemical castration using garlic injections and to allow the police to use holy water against repeat offenders. Nothing can bring our little Wilhelmina back, but if our campaign continues to allow us to use our grief as a stick to beat everyone else over the head with, then that’s something.”