News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Degenerate ‘Not Killed By Other Degenerates’
Metropolitan Police have confirmed that convicted paedophile Andrew Cunningham has been brutally murdered by as-yet-unknown ordinary, moral, upstanding members of the public who know right from wrong and just want to see a bit of justice for our Maddie.

Met spokesperson Jasper Ebbsfleet confirmed that the vicious attack, which included stab wounds to the head, neck, chest and genitals, was most likely the work of somebody “Trying to stab the paedophilia out of Mr Cunningham. It’s a widely-suspected fact that paedophilia lurks in the groinal region and we imagine this was a well-meaning intervention that got out of hand. I would hate for the public to think that anybody willing to sustain a frenzied knife holocaust on somebody’s happysack might have some serious, deep-seated issues of their own.”

Police are placing adverts in The Sun and The Daily Mail, asking every reader to turn themselves in for questioning.

Christmas Post To Go Unstolen
After a ballot of its members, the Commerical Workers Union have confirmed that 2,000 Royal Mail sorting office staff are to go on strike from December 19th, leaving thousands of Christmas gifts to sit in warehouses, rather than being sold in nearby pubs by posties. The industrial action, prompted by proposed office closures, will affect post in Stockport, Bolton and Liverpool. Experts claim these locations were chosen by union members as they are key areas for parcel tampering.

Royal Mail have responded by stating they will draft in temporary workers to steal the public’s cash, gift vouchers and presents, but Union representative Bob Knutsford claims that unskilled workers cannot hope to replicate the level of pilfering achieved by qualified sorters.

“A temp might rip open something that looks like a card or pick up a box to rattle” said Knutsford “But our members have had years of experience in spotting the telltale signs of something valuable inside – if it’s heavily taped-up, has a return address in Surrey or if it’s addressed to somebody called “Rupert” for instance.”


“ Meat Hook Sodomy Lane” Unveiled
After 13 roads in Dartford, birthplace of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger, were renamed after Rolling Stones songs, the US town of Buffalo has followed suit. The death metal group Cannibal Corpse were raised in Buffalo and council members have voted overwhelmingly to rename several streets in the group’s honour.

“Lark Street will now be known as Rancid Amputation Boulevard and Willow Road is now called Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt Mews” said the town’s mayor. “We think it will really make our town stand out as a tourist location, especially for pale, socially inept teenage boys with a penchant for horror movies and trenchcoats.”

Gerry Rafferty’s claim that Baker Street in Paisley, birthplace of the busker’s favourite, was named after his 1978 hit, has been dismissed by local as “Absolute pish”.

Hopeless Scottish Bastard Loses

LTA Vows To “Make Hadrian’s Wall 35-Feet High”

British hopes for a tennis player that doesn’t completely suck monkey pussy were dashed last night as useless, pasty-faced puddle of piss Andrew Murray was beaten like Naomi Campbell’s PA by Rafael Nadal in straight sets.

Thousands flocked to watch a sport they couldn’t give a greased fuck about for 50 weeks of the year, in the hopes of seeing the mardy-arsed haggis botherer Murray get his shit together and beat somebody they’d actually heard of. However, it quickly became apparent that Murray wouldn’t know which end of a tennis racquet to hold if you strapped a tin of Tennant’s Super to it.

Play was suspended for ten minutes as Murray continually attempted to toss his racquet over the net, mistaking it for a caber. He then went on to harangue a female line judge, saying “You’ve no gorra poond forra tin o spesh, have ye hen?”

When Murray finally calmed down and play commenced it was immediately clear that Nadal would have the beating of Murray even if somebody tied Nadal’s feet around his eyes and broke all his fingers.

After the match, Nadal was gracious in victory, asking “Is big joke, yes? I am hitting the ball to Andrew and all time I am expecting the Jeremy Beadle to appear as ball boy with suspicious beard. I even try to point which way I hit ball to Andrew, but he seem to have hand-eye coordination of, how you say it, a fucking retarded panda.”

Lawn Tennis Association person Chesterton Ebbsfleet was less sanguine, however. “That is the last time we let one of those Caledonian arsenuts make a fool of us, I can tell you. We gave him a chance, treated him as an equal and what did Murray do? Pissed on all our hopes like it was an Oxford Street doorway after closing time. Never again.”

“Tomorrow morning, fifty-eight LTA bulldozers are making their way to Scotland and they’re going to plough up every tennis court in the land. On the way back, they’re going to extend Hadrian’s Wall to either coast and raise it up another thirty feet. We’ve got the gun turrets on order.”

Murray was unavailable for comment at time of press but is understood to be recovering from the heavy defeat on a park bench.