"Fuck Off With That Scalpel" Kinnear Tells Surgeons

Noted Cardiologist Threatened With “A Good Bollock-Mangling”

Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear has jeopardised his health after dubbing his surgical team "A shower of shitfists" according to medical staff. "We were trying to discuss his bypass operation" said anesthetist Jason Ebbsfleet "And he just pointed his finger at each member of staff and came out with a different swear word."

The consultation started badly when Kinnear asked who would be performing the operation. When cardiologist Dr Frank Knutsford identified himself, Kinnear retorted "You're a cunt." After two nurses fainted during the discussion, Kinnear was moved to a specialist ward staffed by ex-navvies.

Kinnear was rushed into hospital after complaining of chest pains. A transcript of the 999 call records the following conversation:

“999 emergency. Which service do you require?”“Just fuck off and listen to me, you twat-farm. I’ve got pains in my christing chest and I need a shitting ambulance. Com-fucking-prende?”

“Please calm down sir. When did these pains start?”“As soon as I started talking to you, you frigging cock-wrangler. Ambulance. Now. Get my shagging drift?”

The operation is due to take place tomorrow and Kinnear’s medical team predict possible complications. “It’s unusual that we’d have to strap a patient’s arms down during an operation” said Ebbsfleet “But with delicate surgery like this, we can’t afford to have him flicking the v’s at the theatre nurse during surgery”.

Kinnear’s agent has released a statement regarding the Newcastle manager’s recuperation. “Joe expects to be out of hospital by next week. He told me today that he ‘Will spend a couple of months at home with the bunch of wankers I call a family. Newcastle will just have to titting well look after itself.’”

Fans flooded Newcastle’s internet board with messages of support. “Get arseing well better soon” read one post, while “Tooning Fork 4Eva” wrote “Hope to see you back in the dugout soon, you old twatbladder.”

Newcastle FC told reporters “In the spirit of Joe’s time at the club, we’d have to say that as we’re currently near the bottom of the table and without a manager, we’re up cunt creek with a dick paddle.”

Footballer Denies Charge Of Consensual Sex

Decent, Loving Trysts “Never Happened” Says Star

The footballer named today in a tabloid story as having indulged in “Repeated, considerate sexual acts of a legal, caring nature” has denied the allegation as “Absolute fiction”. The footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has stated “I am one of the wealthiest, most successful footballers in the country. Why would I risk my career at Old Trafford, my place in the Portuguese national side or my club number 7 shirt just to have normal, intimate sex with one long-term sexual partner?”

The statement came after one national tabloid printed a story, entitled “My Monogomy Heaven”, detailing years of alleged lovemaking with the unnamed World Player Of The Year. The interview with a 31-year-old woman describing herself as “An unknown middle manager in a regional pharmaceutical firm” euphemistically lists repeated occasions where the footballer “Took my needs into consideration, preserved my anonymity to protect my feelings and continually insisted on treating me as a valuable human being.”

Press experts are already questioning the validity of the claims, with one stating “It’s a well-known fact that sexual intercourse with a footballer, whether it’s in a plush £1000-per-night hotel or against your will down the back alley of a low-rent nightclub, will always fall into two categories. Either the footballer is seriously under-endowed, can only last a couple of minutes and has no idea how to please a woman. Or the encounter can only be described as a ‘romp’, involving multiple orgasms, various foodstuffs and complex equipment. Ideally, the recipient will describe the footballer as an animal that has no trouble scoring between the sheets.”

The fact that the unnamed woman described her nights of passion as ‘lovemaking’ rather than “X-rated action” has also thrown her claims into doubt. The footballer in question, whose anonymity is currently preserved following a court order, stated “This is worse than when I winked at the bench after Rooney got sent off. I have the deepest respect for the traditions of the Premiership, and to imply that I would have sex without filming it on my mobile, involving my teammates in the action or just viciously sexually assaulting her is a terrible slur on my character.”

Lawyers representing the footballer, who due to legal restrictions can only be referred to as “CR”, have already supplied the police with several instances of degrading group sex and cash payments to rape victims as proof that the player could not have been involved in the adult, responsible relationship alleged in the article.

Pietersen Thanks Mumbai Terrorists

Violent Outrage Stops England Looking Right Cunts

As England cancelled their forthcoming pastings at the hands of their Indian cricketing superiors due to ongoing violence in India, captain Kevin Pietersen has personally thanked the head of the armed guerrillas, saying “We were due to have our arses handed to us on a plate over and over again in the last two games. Seriously, Flintoff hasn’t stopped crying for two days. It was getting ridiculous. But now we can go home with some modicum of sporting pride. Nice work, lads. Thanks.”

England were trailing their 7-match one-day series with India by five games to nil after displays of batting ineptitude described by one ECB member as “Like watching a paraplegic trying to eat noodles with a ladder.” England’s bowling has been scarcely better, with the Indian batsmen reduced to waving their arms about and blowing whistles to ensure the ball was delivered in approximately the same region as the wicket.

Most experts were predicting a 7-0 whitewash for England, with Ian Botham dubbing England’s performance’s as “The worst cricketing witnessed since the old opening credits to ‘Neighbours.’” But the tour has been cut short following the violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai by the ECB on the grounds of safety.

“We must protect our team from any risk of harm” said ECB person WG Ebbsfleet. “By ending the series now, we believe we have done that. Because if they’d have come home 7-0 losers there would have been a howling mob of cricket fans waiting at the airport to insert the team’s bats sideways into their rectums.”

The move has been applauded by Gordon Brown who also took time to denounce the terrorist atrocities in India. “At a time like this, whether or not India beat us like a Haringey toddler at cricket is neither here nor there. Let’s call that series a draw, yes? I wish to take this opportunity to denounce the evil acts of these violent terrorists and will happily talk about it at length so long as nobody asks me exactly how I’m going to magic £20 billion out of my arse before the next election.”

Meanwhile, the English FA have asked for regular updates on the movements of the Indian terrorists. “We need to know who these guys are, how they work and what they’re planning next.” said one FA member “And whether there’s any chance they could do their stuff in South Africa in 2012 if our lads are getting a hiding in the group stages.”

Gerrard’s Nan Had Died, Says Benitez

“No, Not That One, The Other One” Insists Liverpool Manager

After Steven Gerrard was summoned to the England training camp by Fabio Capello despite being declared unfit to play, Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has dramatically changed his story, stating “No, that was a problem with my English. I may have told Capello ‘Gerrard, he cannot play because of his groin injury’ but my English is still not of the requisite standard required to convey complex concepts. What I meant to say was that his nan had died.”

As Gerrard faced a scan conducted by England doctors to ascertain whether the micro-foreheaded midfielder had any form of groin strain, Benitez made frantic last-minute calls to Capello. “Stevie might come to the training ground saying he’s hurt his groin” Benitez informed the England manager “But he’s just really confused and upset about his nan. What? No, that was his other nan, on his mum’s side. She died just before England played that friendly against The Vatican City, remember?”

Benitez insists that Liverpool have not tried to deceive the England camp, stating “Of course I do not mind my most valuable player coming back from a meaningless kickabout in several separate boxes. Every player has a real desire to play for his country – well, not Jamie, obviously, but most of them. But the fact we’re about to enter a flurry of games that could ultimately decide my fate as a manager does not mean I’d make something up about his happy region being on the blink.”

Gerrard is not the only player to be summoned to his national training camp after claiming injury. Capello faces a severely depleted squad with seven of his first-choice squad missing with injuries ranging from “A partially-torn cruciate” to “An attack of the vapours”. Ashley Cole is also believed to be missing due to “A severely bruised ego” and serious rectal trauma sustained while he was stepping out of the bath and accidentally sat on a bottle of Cheryl’s Mum roll-on deodorant and he tried getting out himself which is why there’s KY Jelly around it and it just got stuck and what are the chances of that happening.

Joachim Low is said to be unperturbed by the problems in the England camp, telling English journalists “We know England are a strong side and we expect them to give us a good game on Wednesday. It is a chance to test new players and we ca…OH YES, VERY FUNNY WITH THE THEME OF THE DAMUBUSTERS! YOU MAYBE WISH TO CHANGE THE RECORD, YES?”

Ronaldo To Remake TV Show ‘Roots’

This article can now be seen at the excellent Daily Mash site, here:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/ronaldo-to-star-in-remake-of-'roots'--200807111089/

Thanks.

Hopeless Scottish Bastard Loses

LTA Vows To “Make Hadrian’s Wall 35-Feet High”

British hopes for a tennis player that doesn’t completely suck monkey pussy were dashed last night as useless, pasty-faced puddle of piss Andrew Murray was beaten like Naomi Campbell’s PA by Rafael Nadal in straight sets.

Thousands flocked to watch a sport they couldn’t give a greased fuck about for 50 weeks of the year, in the hopes of seeing the mardy-arsed haggis botherer Murray get his shit together and beat somebody they’d actually heard of. However, it quickly became apparent that Murray wouldn’t know which end of a tennis racquet to hold if you strapped a tin of Tennant’s Super to it.

Play was suspended for ten minutes as Murray continually attempted to toss his racquet over the net, mistaking it for a caber. He then went on to harangue a female line judge, saying “You’ve no gorra poond forra tin o spesh, have ye hen?”

When Murray finally calmed down and play commenced it was immediately clear that Nadal would have the beating of Murray even if somebody tied Nadal’s feet around his eyes and broke all his fingers.

After the match, Nadal was gracious in victory, asking “Is big joke, yes? I am hitting the ball to Andrew and all time I am expecting the Jeremy Beadle to appear as ball boy with suspicious beard. I even try to point which way I hit ball to Andrew, but he seem to have hand-eye coordination of, how you say it, a fucking retarded panda.”

Lawn Tennis Association person Chesterton Ebbsfleet was less sanguine, however. “That is the last time we let one of those Caledonian arsenuts make a fool of us, I can tell you. We gave him a chance, treated him as an equal and what did Murray do? Pissed on all our hopes like it was an Oxford Street doorway after closing time. Never again.”

“Tomorrow morning, fifty-eight LTA bulldozers are making their way to Scotland and they’re going to plough up every tennis court in the land. On the way back, they’re going to extend Hadrian’s Wall to either coast and raise it up another thirty feet. We’ve got the gun turrets on order.”

Murray was unavailable for comment at time of press but is understood to be recovering from the heavy defeat on a park bench.

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’

'Fog In The Mind Is All Mine' Says Former England Moron

Following his detention under the Mental Health Act, sports brain specialist Gary Ebbsfleet has declared that Paul Gascoigne’s behaviour is ‘No longer funny. As of today, rather than chuckling indulgently at the antics of a maverick sports genius, we should immediately shake our heads sadly at the tragic decline of a sports genius. It’s a difficult transition, but I would ask the public to make the effort.’

Ebbsfleet feels that recent events show that the public will be able to make this sudden switch of sporting emotions, with everybody stopping hating Manchester United for a day because of the anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster.

Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Gascoigne took no time in capitalising on his new-found fame by drinking like a wino on New Year’s Eve, sticking his tongue out at cameras, wearing strap-on plastic tits, knocking the shite out of his wife and trying to decapitate Garry Parker in the FA Cup final.

His career was plagued with injury following that game, as his continued drinking, fucking around in nightclubs and eating more than a tapeworm at a free buffet hindered a return to form. As a result, fans only saw occasional flickers of the formerly bright spark, such as insulting the Italian press and inciting sectarian violence whilst at Rangers.

But Ebbsfleet feels that the Gascoigne the public once knew and formerly tolerated despite being a drunken, wifebeating fucking idiot is no more. “If you’ve seen recent footage of him, he looks like a half-starved turkey that has seen too much. I doubt we’ll see Alan Shearer smiling benevolently as Gazza babbles incoherently ever again.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up

ENTERTAINMENT:
The Home Office is considering reclassifying Amy Winehouse as a Class B substance. There are fears that Amy Winehouse is proving to be far more potent than first thought. “After what’s happened over the last twelve months, we feel possession of Amy Winehouse should be punishable by up to three years in jail” said spokesman Rex Ebbsfleet. “Kids may think that hanging out with Winehouse is just a bit of fun, harmless even. But we have documentary evidence to prove it can lead to hard drug use, imprisonment and fucking awful tattoos”.

SPORT:
Ahead of his first game in charge tonight, Fabio Capello has instigated a new regime in which players are encouraged to “Act their fucking age”. FA chief Brian Barwick said “Capello brings with him years of experience, obviously, but he also has new and exciting ways of managing the England squad. Behaving like adults, treating the thing like an actual job rather than a 3-day beano and actually giving a crusty shit about their performance are all things Capello is asking the players to focus on. It’s a whole new way of thinking, but we hope it will garner results” After tonight’s game, it is expected that Capello will implement his revolutionary “You’re sodding useless and you’re out of the squad” technique.

POLITICS:

Following Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s plan to confiscate any alcohol being carried by under-18s, further plans to take candy from babies is also being considered. “We must be ceaseless in our pursuit of physical perfection” said Smith “And police should have the right to steal sweeties from kids who look like they may grow up to be fatties.” Another element of the scheme will be a new “Stop & Give Me 20 Press-Ups” power to be awarded to police.

CRIME:
Mark Dixie, the man accused of raping and murdering model Sally Anne Bowman, has had his defence plea dismissed as being “Stupendously childish”. After Dixie stated he’d had sex with Bowman’s dead body after he’d found her in the street, prosecution lawyers said “Essentially, he’s using an excuse I haven’t used since I was twelve – It Was Like This When I Found It.”
Dixie’s other lines of defence have included “You’re always blaming me” “S’not fair” and “Shut uuuuup”. Prosecution are expected to counter Dixie’s claims by stating “Hnngghh! Chinny reckon! Jimmy Hill!”