Paris Bomb “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police

Explosives “72% More Likely To Have An Affair”

(A much, much shorter version of this story can be seen at the Daily Mash here: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/)

After five sticks of explosive were found in the exclusive Printemps Haussman boutique in Paris earlier today, French bomb disposal experts have stated that the they were “Clearly superior to any kind of bomb you English could devise. So cool. So stylish. So – how you say? – erotic.”

Bomb expert Jean-Pierre Ebbsfleet, Chief Gendarme of Societie Du Explosiv Perdu stated “We receive the warning letter at 7am and my sergeant he calls me at the apartment where I entertain my many mistresses. So, after a breakfast of delicious coffee and the kind of bread you English could not create in a madman’s dream, I got into my flawlessly tailored police uniform and strolled along the Seine to the boutique, arriving at about 930.”

“The manager of Haussmann, he tells me there is a bomb in his shop. I ask, can he see it now, while he stands on the pavement? He says no. I ask how, then, can he truly know if this bomb, she still exists? After a furious philosophical debate over many Gauloises and better wine than that piss you English drink, I agree to go and look at this bomb of his.”

“I go into his shop and there in the store room are five sticks of explosive whose beauty made me weep. Such lines, such passionate intensity. Maybe for you English, some dirty rucksack filled with fertiliser is enough for a bomb, no? This bomb, she was of another world. I look at this bomb and I say “Today, I will make you truly alive”. I take out the pliers and slowly, gently, I caress the priming cap. Eventually, the wire of the device, she yields to my demands. So, the bomb it is made safe.”

A warning letter was sent to police by previously-unknown terrorist group ARF. It is believed they were demanding “More incredibly sexy wives for French politicians, a 50% increase in the production of brooding, intelligent cinema and a huge wheel of sensational-tasting cheese for every man, woman and child in France.”

French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”

Pietersen Thanks Mumbai Terrorists

Violent Outrage Stops England Looking Right Cunts

As England cancelled their forthcoming pastings at the hands of their Indian cricketing superiors due to ongoing violence in India, captain Kevin Pietersen has personally thanked the head of the armed guerrillas, saying “We were due to have our arses handed to us on a plate over and over again in the last two games. Seriously, Flintoff hasn’t stopped crying for two days. It was getting ridiculous. But now we can go home with some modicum of sporting pride. Nice work, lads. Thanks.”

England were trailing their 7-match one-day series with India by five games to nil after displays of batting ineptitude described by one ECB member as “Like watching a paraplegic trying to eat noodles with a ladder.” England’s bowling has been scarcely better, with the Indian batsmen reduced to waving their arms about and blowing whistles to ensure the ball was delivered in approximately the same region as the wicket.

Most experts were predicting a 7-0 whitewash for England, with Ian Botham dubbing England’s performance’s as “The worst cricketing witnessed since the old opening credits to ‘Neighbours.’” But the tour has been cut short following the violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai by the ECB on the grounds of safety.

“We must protect our team from any risk of harm” said ECB person WG Ebbsfleet. “By ending the series now, we believe we have done that. Because if they’d have come home 7-0 losers there would have been a howling mob of cricket fans waiting at the airport to insert the team’s bats sideways into their rectums.”

The move has been applauded by Gordon Brown who also took time to denounce the terrorist atrocities in India. “At a time like this, whether or not India beat us like a Haringey toddler at cricket is neither here nor there. Let’s call that series a draw, yes? I wish to take this opportunity to denounce the evil acts of these violent terrorists and will happily talk about it at length so long as nobody asks me exactly how I’m going to magic £20 billion out of my arse before the next election.”

Meanwhile, the English FA have asked for regular updates on the movements of the Indian terrorists. “We need to know who these guys are, how they work and what they’re planning next.” said one FA member “And whether there’s any chance they could do their stuff in South Africa in 2012 if our lads are getting a hiding in the group stages.”