Fatties To Binge On Slimming Medicine

Decision To Produce Pie-Flavoured Pills Questioned

As GlaxoSmithKline prepare to launch their non-prescription slimming pill Orlistat, many have criticised the decision to release the pill in a variety of flavours. Available from next month, Orlistat will come in “Smoky Bacon”, “Marshmallow” and “Pie” flavours. GlaxoSmithKline stated that “Extensive research has shown that our potential customers would prefer the treatment to come in a variety of mouth-watering flavours. Our decision to produce a form of the drug in a chocolate fudge milkshake reflects this.”

But Dr David Haslam of the National Obesity Forum has warned this could lead to accidental overdoses. “I have worked with thousands of patients battling with the terrible affliction of obesity during my time with the forum. And I can categorically state that if you make the pills tasty then these bunch of plumpers will be popping them down like they’re M&Ms.” Potential side-effects listed in Orlistat packaging include “Dizziness, shortness of breath and shitting like a torture victim drinking molten lead smoothies”

Research into the effectiveness of Orlistat has taken over ten years. The program hit a number of difficulties, with one research lab having to move offices after a KFC opened next door. “We’d be trying to see if the drug effectively absorbed fat from consumed food and they’d be shovelling buckets of greasy wings down their gullets at twice the normal rate, so we were back where we started” said one scientist. Another test group proved especially difficult, with researchers having to entice subjects into the lab with slices of Battenberg on fishing rods.

Screeching not-really-a-doctor ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith has criticised the Medical Council’s decision to allow sales of the drug, stating “At the end of the day, there’s no substitute for exercise and eating miniscule amounts of algae on dry wheat toast. If Orlistat is a success, then overweight people will no longer need to be made to feel like subhuman scum by the likes of me in order to lose weight. And how is a joyless, pinchmouthed harpy like me meant to make money then? Not many jobs allow you to bully everyone around you and lie about your qualifications, you know.”

When Orlistat is released, pharmacists will only be allowed to sell it to customers with a body mass index of over 28. “That’s roughly the equivalent of a shed made of Plutonium” said one pharmacist. There are fears that the criminally obese may cash in on this proviso by posing as customers for those not reaching the magic 28 BMI figure. “It’s a potential wheezing, sweaty, chapped-skinned black market waiting to happen” said the same pharmacist as before.

Sandy Ebbsfleet, a 32-stone lorry drive from Knutsford, is looking forward to Orlistat’s launch, however. “Hopefully this will be the end of a very long fight with my weight” said Ebbsfleet. “I’ve tried every fad diet going but finally I’ll be able to pop a pill rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and stop stuffing quite so much lard down my gullet. Another bonus is that slimming clubs might become a thing of the past and that dreadfully unfunny sketch they do on ‘Little Britain’ will become socially obsolete.”

Tesco To Launch “No Frills” Cigarettes

“All The Sputum, Half The Cost” Promise Retailer

Relentless retailing juggernaut Tesco have caused a storm of controversy with today’s launch of their ‘No Frills’ range of cigarettes. Fiscally-challenged smokers will now be able to buy packets of twenty cigarettes for just two pounds. This is considerably less than the next-nearest priced brand, predictably named ‘Plutocrat’ in line with the inverse rule that the grottier a brand of cigarettes are, the more plush they sound.

“Tesco have always been at the forefront when it comes to offering consumers quality products at bargain prices, and we feel that the expectorating masses should not be any different. Our No-Frills fags will leave shoppers with more money in their pocket as they wheeze their way to the bookies” said Tesco person Damian Ebbsfleet.

The packet will primarily be in the standard blue and white livery of Tesco’s No Frills range. However, in order to comply with government regulations while keeping down costs, the medical council warnings will be written by an unemployed GP recently barred from practising medicine. The warnings will include messages such as “Tabs is bad for you, dickhead” and “Wait until your missus has that sprog before letting her smoke these.”

In another cost cutting exercise, the photographic warnings now mandatory on cigarette packets will be replaced by children’s drawings of tracheotomies and diseased lungs and will be scrawled in crayon. In conjunction with their “Vouchers For Schools” scheme, Tesco will launch an art competition for their No Frills cigarettes. Whichever child produces the best drawing of a deformed foetus will see their artwork used on packets, as well as winning a computer and some pens for their school.

Anti-smoking group ASH have condemned Tesco, with one spokesperson stating “This completely undermines all the work we’ve been doing at ASH. For years we’ve been telling smokers how much money they could save for a holiday if they quit, as if they weren’t already painfully aware of that fact. Now Tesco come along with a pack of fags so ludicrously cheap I’m seriously considering starting up again myself. God, I’ve missed smoking, you know. Go on, can I just have one drag on yours?”

Consumer reaction to the No Frills cigarettes has been positive, however. Dane Knutsford, a lifelong smoker who queued outside Tesco for twelve hours to be the first in line for the new brand stated “These fags are superb for the budget smoker like me. Granted, they do taste like a crematorium roof but they’ll really help me stretch my nash that little bit further. The money I’m saving should keep my floating in White Lightning until dole day rocks around again.”

Unscientific Bollocks “Unscientific Bollocks” Say Experts

Herbal Menopause Treatment Defended By Deluded Con Artists

The Drugs And Therapeutics Bulletin (DTB) have today announced that herbal treatments for the symptoms of menopause are “About as effective as burying a chicken kiev in your back garden during a full moon.” Studies into the usefulness of treatments such as Red Clover, Dong Quai and Old Wichitty’s Wholesome Tincture have shown that women suffering from the menopause “Might as well use the money spent on herbal remedies buying a bottle of Chardonnay and a dildo”.

A survey of 1,000 menopausal women conducted by a team of frankly terrified researchers showed that 40% of subjects had tried complementary not-really-medicines without informing their GP. A spokesman for the GMC stated “Personally, I’d much rather we installed an HRT-patch vending machine in the waiting room and have done with it. But it really does help us do our job properly if patients can refrain from medicating themselves with the contents of some fraudulent quack’s pot pourri bowl.”

Jenny Jones of The Herb Society has defended the efficacy of overpriced twigs, claiming “A lack of evidence does not necessarily mean a lack of effect. For instance, there is virtually no evidence that the foul-tasting tinctures I knock up in my Poggen Pohl kitchen will stop menopausal women from feeling like a cocaine addict going through grief counselling. But the effect of selling these preparations at £30 a pop – the loveliness of my aforementioned Poggen Pohl kitchen – cannot be denied.”

The DTB were quick to refute Jones’ claim that lack of evidence was reason enough to stop trying to swindle distressed middle-aged women. One DTB person explained “There is no evidence, for example, to suggest that me going round to Jones’ house and beating her around the neck with a medical text book will force her to stop making illogical and dangerous statements. So as much as I’d really love to, I won’t.”

Jones has insisted that “These remedies do work for some women” but the DTB insisted that “If I gave enough cancer patients a rubdown with a copy of “Blakes 7” on DVD, a few of them might get better. It doesn’t alter the fact that using it as a treatment is complete cock.”

When asked whether the DTB intended to highlight the utter guff that passes for herbal medicine to Britain’s menopausal women, they replied “Do we want to tell a bunch of mean-tempered women with very little to lose that they’ve been taken for chumps? Do you have any other stupid fucking questions while you’re at it? Jesus.”

Doctors To Research “All Kinds Of Spooky Shit”

Three-Year Study Into Absolute Bollocks To Cost £25M

A national study into near-death experiences in heart attack patients, practical uses of voodoo and haunted hospital rooms “Where loads of patients have died, like, mysteriously and stuff” is to start next month.

The research project is coordinated by Southampton University in a bid to underline their standing as a centre for educational mediocrity and is to be funded by the NHS, direct from your pay packet, in lieu of doing something silly like giving people cancer medication.

The research is being led by Dr Sam Parnia, whose address is Southampton University, University Road, Southampton SO17 1BJ should anybody feel like sending him a letter, written in their own excrement, asking what the Christ he’s playing at. It is to take place in several UK hospitals, as well as nine in the US who at least have the excuse of not knowing any better.

Dr Parnia explained “In resuscitation rooms, we’re placing images on high shelves that can only be observed from the ceiling to test people’s claims of out-of-body experiences” whilst managing to keep a straight face only by an effort of Herculean proportions.

Other methods being employed to test claims of near-death experiences include asking patients to cross their heart and hope to die, measuring combustion levels of their pants and asking “A liar says what?” to see if the patients reply “What?” Dr Parnia has no plans to tell patients to get a fucking grip of themselves, stop talking such nonsense and be glad that proper, actual science has saved their lives as he feels “This will not produce the necessary kind of data to justify my enormous research grant.”

Some people suffering from heart attacks report seeing a tunnel or bright light, as well as looking down from above at the medical staff treating them. Parnia’s research team have decided not to investigate the monumentally higher number of patients who report crippling chest pains, shortness of breath and collapsing into a heap. “What’s spooky about that?”, as Dr Parnia explained.

As well as near-death experiences, the study will look into other unexplained phenomena with assistance from egregious liar Derek Acorah. “Mr Acorah is a recognised authority on paranormal activity” explained Dr Parnia “Not least of which the uncanny, inexplicable occurrence of an unconvincing shyster parlaying fraudulent psychic powers into a lucrative career.”

Moyles Slammed For Promoting ‘Being Shite’

DJ ‘Frequently Revelled In Mediocrity’, Says Report

Radio 1’s jumped-up iPod Chris Moyles has been the subject of serious criticism from an academic study that found he “Repeatedly attempted to make being a moronic, bullying, talentless buffoon appear a glamorous, aspirational lifestyle.”

The study, which listened to over 1,000 hours of radio, found over 600 references to ‘being a boorish, unfunny braggard’, 375 references to ‘thinking mild homophobia and pig ignorance is hysterical’ and 250 references to ‘basking in the fact he’s an unimaginative, obnoxious shitpeddler’ in Moyles’ show.

Researcher Karl Ebbsfleet said “It’s a dangerous message to be sending out, particularly at a time of day when kids could be listening. Childhood stupidity is steadily increasing, as well as the number of youths dabbling in pig-eyed bigotry.”

“Many of these kids will look up to Moyles and think “He’s a globulous, sexist, opinionated, pointless fat heap of dung and he’s a millionaire. If it’s worked for him it could work for me.” But what they don’t realise is that binge idiocy usually leads to a very unhappy life, probably driving a minicab, boring acquaintances down the pub with your unoriginal quips and ill-informed opinions.”

Moyles joined Radio 1 in 1997 where he was an instant hit amongst the broadcaster’s hooting, subhuman listeners with his hilarious song parodies that replaced one word of the song title with something else, usually ‘beer’ or ‘pie’.

Early features in Moyles’ show included “Fuck Off, You Poof”, “Let Me Feel Your Tits And I’ll Give You A Pound, You Fucking Whore” and “Guess Who I’m Shagging?”, in which he described the latest hapless starfucker who was prepared to have his juddering, sweaty carcass heaped on top of her for three minutes in order to get a job as a runner for Terry Wogan.

Moyles has had frequent run-ins with Ofcom, mainly over his repeated insistence on being an asinine fuckwad, but has so far managed to hold on to his vapid nonentity of a job. Ebbsfleet, however, feels his new academic study could spell the end for the DJ.

“Society has changed and the message broadcasters send out to youths needs to reflect that.” said Ebbsfeet. “Gun & knife culture, excessive drinking, eating junk food – we cannot have these glamorised by the media. But more than that, we cannot have a whole generation growing up thinking that being disgraceful, pathetic, revolting shitefist like Moyles is acceptable.”

Scientist Invents Gene To Stop Sleeping On Couch

“Forgetting Birthday Chromosome” Also Bogus, Admits Boffin

The Swedish scientist who recently published a report suggesting that infidelity amongst men might be genetically motivated has admitted that he faked results “So I could sleep in my own bed and stop getting glared at over the breakfast table”.

Dr Hoorst Ebbsfleet published his research paper “Why Men Might Be Caught In A Travelodge With The Woman Who Works In The Betting Shop” earlier this week in which he stated that the gene SMNTM (She Meant Nothing To Me) might be the cause of extramarital affairs.

“The SMNTM gene mediates several processes throughout the body, including blood pressure and water retention as well as the production of neuropeptide vasopressin” wrote Ebbsfleet in his study. “Studies on test animals showed that inherited defects in this gene group caused a 62% rise in meeting blonde pieces in pub car parks for frenetic knee tremblers while their wife was visiting their sister.”

Ebbsfleet went on to show that lab mice with this genetic defect were more likely to forget birthdays, get drunk and let themselves go a bit. “Given that the observed responses stemmed from an inherited defect as opposed to learned behaviour, we can conclude that laboratory mice’s mates should stop bloody crying every time they look at them and stop checking their phone for text messages every five bleeding minutes.”

The study was a sensation in the scientific community, with one Harvard professor commenting “Dr Ebbsfleet’s findings are extraordinary and will radically change views on the nature/nurture debate, as well as giving me some ammunition about what happened at my office Christmas party last year.”

Early this morning, however, Dr Ebbsfleet called a press conference to admit he had fabricated data in his study. “I have been less than honest in my findings, and for that I apologise” said Ebbsfleet. “While there were suggestions that the SMNTM gene did have some effect on behavioural responses, the conclusions we reached were perhaps more specific than they should have been. But come on, it was three fucking months ago and I’m still on hand rations. I had to do something.”

Drunk Kids Cause Less Bother, Claims Cameron

“Pissed Toddlers Can Barely Hold A Knife” Says Tory Leader



David Cameron has suggested parents get their kids as twatted as possible, starting immediately, in order to reduce youth-related crime. In a hard-hitting, in-depth political interview conducted by Radio 1, the Tory leader said “The disease of knife crime, antisocial behaviour and car theft could be removed at a stroke if the little blighters were so cunted they couldn’t walk 10 yards without falling over.”

Cameron, interviewed for Radio 1’s “Politics, Yeah?” spot talked about his childhood growing up in a fucking huge estate the size of a landlocked South American country. He went on to show how his formative years were exactly like those of a 14-year-old illiterate asboid living on a diet of frozen chips and WKD on a sink estate in Knutsford.

“All the people I know who have drink problems were those who weren’t allowed alcohol growing up” said Cameron. “Whereas the people who were knocking back the Quinta Da Novel like it was Ribena when they were ten have grown up to be well-balanced, if gout-ridden, adults.”

Just as Margaret Thatcher became known as the person responsible for taking the milk from nursery school children, Cameron wants to be known as “The man who introduced a generation of toddlers to claret.” He also outlined plans for alcohol education for children up to the age of 16. “By the time they leave school, every child should be able to tell the difference between a Lafite, a Latour and a Blue Nun.”

Should the Tories regain control in the next election, they will also give police new “Stop & Shotgun” powers in a bid to placate the nation’s youths. Any rowdy child could be forced to neck several shots of tequila until they lack the basic motor functions required to commit crime. They are advertising the proposed policy with the campaign slogan “Parents - Do You Know Where Your Child Is Puking Into A Hedge?”

Alternative Medicine Is “Utter Bilge” Court Rules

“Let’s See Homeopathy Cure A Pickaxe In The Groin”, Says Judge



After a woman was awarded £800,000 for the brain damage caused by a ‘detox’ diet recommended by nutritionist Barbara Nash, the High Court have also ruled that all nutritionists, faith healers and holistic practitioners be called “Whooping, fraudulent turds” with immediate effect.

Dawn Page was recommended to “Drink more water, because it’s the menses of Gaia, and dead natural and stuff” by her nutritionist, despite Ms Page‘s attack of uncontrollable vomiting. Defending her actions, Barbara Nash said “Ms Page didn’t drink organic water from my recommended local supplier and her couch was throwing her Chi all over the shop. I think those factors, rather than my so-called “Gross incompetence, rank charlatanism and pseudo-scientific cock” was responsible for her brain damage.”

But the High Court has demanded that any person claiming medical benefits from their treatments must have some basic understanding of how the human body works and must be able to back up their claims with unbiased trial results.

“Coming to court today, I used the internal combustion engine, an MP3 player and a mobile phone.” said Justice Ebbsfleet. “At no point did I feel the need to mount a rickshaw with a lute player and fire off a carrier pigeon with a note wrapped around its leg. The middle ages, which most of these ‘cures’ seem to originate from, was a time of pig-ignorance, poor hygiene and death by the age of thirty. Anybody who thinks a bottle of echinacea and an account with their local organic greengrocers is going to stop them getting sick is, frankly, a moron.”

Screeching humbug “Dr” Gillian Mckeith has defended alternative medicine, saying “Traditional doctors don’t know everything.”, but a senior member of the General Medical Council dismissed her opinion, saying “Her PhD is from “The Clayton College Of Natural Health” in Birmingham, Alabama. I’m not casting aspersions but I know they also do a Masters course in banjo-picking and whittling. For fuck’s sake. She’s about as much a doctor as David Tennant is.”

“No, doctors don’t know everything. That’s why we continue to conduct research. As opposed to looking at somebody’s tongue and telling them their kidneys need massaging.”

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”

"I've Got The Cure For What Ails You" Say Health Writers

In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

According to the article, the health benefits of no-strings intercourse with lowly website writers are impressive. Weight loss, better eyesight and eternal youth are just some of the side-effects promised.



“The article is based on sound scientific principles” stated Tony Ebbsfleet, one of the article’s authors. “It has been proven time and again that meeting up with me for a night of tromboning, spanking and facials can vastly reduce the instances of liver disease and strokes. In fact, just one hour of giving me enthusiatic fellatio in a pub car park can burn off 400 calories and lead to smoother, younger-looking skin.”

However, the article has been criticised by some members of the public as misleading. Gemma, a 19-year-old fitness instructor from Knutsford, read the website and immediately contacted the authors. “I was really worried, because I like to look after myself and to my knowledge I’d never had sex with anybody from NHS Direct.” said Gemma. “They got back in touch within seconds with the address of a nearby hotel where they could ‘sort me out’ as they put it.”

After a three-hour ‘consultation’, Gemma states that she could feel no positive health benefits, although she was hopeful that the video footage taken at the time might give some insights.

Alan Johnson, Secretary Of State For Health, was unavailable for comment but his PA did confirm from personal experience that joyless, hurried sex with cabinet ministers could lead to an increase in trips to Paris.

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”

“You Have To Earn The Right To Get Shitfaced” Says MP

The Conservative MP for Knutsford, Sir Ingram Ebbsfleet, has proposed a taxation plan to “Stop those ghastly little poor people from daring to have fun.”

The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

Not all alcoholic drinks will be affected by the proposed rise in duty, however. “There’ll be no price change on stuff like Montrachet or Quinta De Noval” said Ebbsfleet “Lord knows they’re pricey enough as it is. And a good bottle of Talisker isn’t going to be affected. Really speaking, it’s just going to be the fizzy, sugary stuff the oiks use.”

Ebbsfleet also plans to place warning lables on the affected drinks, such as “Shouldn’t you be looking for work?” and “Drunkenness leads to sloth, young man”

The taxation plans will affect more than just alcoholic drinks. Wide-screen televisions, sovereign rings and tracksuits will all have duty on them trebled under the new scheme. “Basically anything that gets your average council house dweller hot under the collar” said Ebbsfleet.

The move was dismissed by Chancellor Alistair Darling, however. “The Tories can propose whatever they want, frankly, because they don’t run this fucking country – we do. They can suggest giving every pensioner in the UK a pet lion for all I care. It won’t make a lick of frigging difference at the end of the day, because our boy’s in number 10. People will do what we say and damned well like it.”

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot

“She’s Gone Totally Gascoigne” Says Backbencher

Britain’s burgeoning drug addict population were essentially told to “Get on the rob, quick-smart” by the increasingly-frantic Home Secretary Jacqui Smith yesterday as she unleashed a fistful of eccentric policies on an unprepared public.

Most notable amongst the scatterbrained edicts was that in future, drug addicts would lose their benefits unless agreeing to treatment. “We, or rather I, think that by taking away what little legitimate money drug addicts can get to feed their habits, this will force them into rehabilitation.” said Smith.

Many experts feel that rehabilitation only works with willing subjects and that enforced poverty will essentially compel drug addicts into criminal behaviour. But Smith was adamant. “I am aware of the mountains of evidence that contradict my view, but by screwing my eyes shut and screaming the theme tune to Space Pirates, I can blot that out easily enough.”

Other policies unveiled in Smith’s white paper entitled “Drugs Smell Of Poo & I Hate Them 4 Eva” included:

If your name sounds a bit like a drug, a policeman will follow you around for the rest of your life in case you do something bad. Knutsford MP Simon Cockayne has described the plan as “Madder than a Yardie’s dog.”

Ofsted inspectors will mark down any school where pupils can name more than eight synonyms for marijuana.

Anybody who has that poster from ‘Scarface’ in their house can expect twelve hairy-arsed bailiffs to kick through their door at 5am, have some indecipherable court papers waved under their nose, then watch as they ransack their house for anything of value.

All GPs will be compelled to tell patients, at every single visit, ‘Stop smoking. Stop iiiit. Stooooop smoooookiiiing. Dooooon’t. Sooooooop smooooking.’. Whether they smoke or not.

Children of drug addicts will be dragged through the streets by a fat beadle singing ‘Boy For Sale’ like Harry Secombe did in ‘Oliver!’

Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”

‘Cheer The Fuck Up’ says GP

'There Was No Prozac In The Blitz, You Weedy Bastards" Patients Advised

The British Council Of General Practitioners have urged the public to ‘Stop bloody moping and get on with things’ following new clinical research into the effectiveness of antidepressants.

The research was carried out by Hull University, primarily on the principle that if you want to study mountains you go to Austria, so if you want to study depressed people Hull is as good a place as any. The research concluded that the drugs only work on severely depressed patients, with placebo tablets having the same affect on less serious cases.

Senior GP Spencer Ebbsfleet explained the results of the research. “This confirms a conversation I have in my surgery at least eight times a day. There is a vast, yawning chasm of a difference between depression and merely being a bit fed up. Many of my patients come into my office blithely stating they’re depressed like they’re Raj fucking Persaud or something.

However, when I ask them whether their soul feels like a churning pit of emptiness, whether the only thing preventing a suicide attempt is a crippling sense of lethargy or whether all joy has been sucked out of their life and been replaced with a stultifying numbness, they usually say ‘no’. It’s usually that they’ve had a row with the missus or somebody in work is being a bit of a bitch to them.”

Ebbsfleet applauded the research findings, saying “At last I’ll have something to fling in their faces before rowing them out of my office. For 95% of patients complaining of depression I can now prescribe losing a bit of weight, possibly starting a new hobby, but certainly snapping the fuck out of it and leaving me alone so I can treat actually, properly sick people.”

GlaxoSmithKline, in a press statement that surprised precisely nobody, disagreed with the findings. “Look, the stuff might make you impotent, constipated and suicidal. But we shift millions of the little buggers every day, so if you think we’re going to tell people to stop taking them, you must be twice as mad as the fuckers who take Seroxat in the first place.”

Care Home Investigation Reveals ‘Shocking Lack Of Abuse’

'It Was Nothing Like A Scene From Dickens' Says Stunned Inspector

State inspectors looking into allegations made against a children’s home in Knutsford have found “An almost unbelievable lack of neglect, mismanagement or fiddling.”

Inpectors descended onto the children’s home in the early hours of Sunday morning, prepared with dozens of counsellors, minibuses to bundle away traumatised youths and a box full of ‘Show Me Where They Touched You’ dolls. However, the scene that met them when they arrived was, in the words of one inspector “A breathtaking display of compassion, warmth and support.”

“In twenty years of doing this job, I’ve never seen anything like it.” said managing inspector Annie Ebbsfleet. “Every time we looked into a new room, there were further examples of hand-painted murals, comfortable furniture and in the main office there were even letters of thanks from former residents. Nothing can prepare you for stuff like this.”

“At first it seemed like an ordinary child abuse swoop. All the kids were huddled in one room, crying and shaking. We were all ready to ferry the children away to temporary foster homes across the country, severing ties with their friends so they’d not be reminded of the systematic sexual abuse they’d suffered. But it soon became apparent their distress was due to us kicking the doors in and subduing all the staff with a baton charge.”

Once the situation had calmed down and the children had been seperately interviewed, the full truth came to light. “We employed our standard interview technique. The kids were spoken to seperately in a room full of unfamiliar care-giving professionals. We told them that they could tell us anything – had they been starved? Beaten, perhaps? Had any grownup pushed something up their bottoms? I then roleplayed a brutal shower rape to see if it rung any bells with any of the kids. But not a dicky bird. It was quite extraordinary.”

Ebbsfleet said that investigations were not yet complete, but early indications seem to suggest that the home offered professional, caring support to vulnerable youths in a clean, safe environment and was staffed by hard-working, dedicated individuals. “It’s only a matter of time, though. Maybe there’s asbestos in the roof or they’re fiddling their taxes. There’s always something. If not, there’s a nursing home down the road and they’re always good for a bit of neglect. It’s not all doom and gloom.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’

'Fog In The Mind Is All Mine' Says Former England Moron

Following his detention under the Mental Health Act, sports brain specialist Gary Ebbsfleet has declared that Paul Gascoigne’s behaviour is ‘No longer funny. As of today, rather than chuckling indulgently at the antics of a maverick sports genius, we should immediately shake our heads sadly at the tragic decline of a sports genius. It’s a difficult transition, but I would ask the public to make the effort.’

Ebbsfleet feels that recent events show that the public will be able to make this sudden switch of sporting emotions, with everybody stopping hating Manchester United for a day because of the anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster.

Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Gascoigne took no time in capitalising on his new-found fame by drinking like a wino on New Year’s Eve, sticking his tongue out at cameras, wearing strap-on plastic tits, knocking the shite out of his wife and trying to decapitate Garry Parker in the FA Cup final.

His career was plagued with injury following that game, as his continued drinking, fucking around in nightclubs and eating more than a tapeworm at a free buffet hindered a return to form. As a result, fans only saw occasional flickers of the formerly bright spark, such as insulting the Italian press and inciting sectarian violence whilst at Rangers.

But Ebbsfleet feels that the Gascoigne the public once knew and formerly tolerated despite being a drunken, wifebeating fucking idiot is no more. “If you’ve seen recent footage of him, he looks like a half-starved turkey that has seen too much. I doubt we’ll see Alan Shearer smiling benevolently as Gazza babbles incoherently ever again.”

Cancer Link Proves Existence Of God

"Put It On Vibrate" To Become 11th Commandment, Says Expert

Research by Tel Aviv University scientists that shows a link between heavy mobile phone usage and increased risk of cancer has “Categorically proven there is a God.” according to one expert.

The study, recently published in The American Journal Of Epidemiology, showed a 50% rise in salivary gland cancer in frequent mobile phone users. Science person Eric Ebbsfleet stated “This goes a long way to proving the power of prayer to a just, almighty and rather angry God. Clearly, many millions of reasonable people have reached the end of their collective tethers after being forced to earwig the endless fucking prattle of thoughtless turds. This has prompted them, usually through gritted teeth, to pray for some higher power to riddle the offender with tumours.”

Ebbsfleet claims that by smiting phone users with such a rare and virulent form of cancer, God is sending out a very clear message – “Nobody wants to hear your inconsequential fucking babble on the train or in the pub. Whatever it is you’re talking about – who you snogged in Chaser’s nightclub on Saturday, your opinions on last weekend’s football, the latest developments in Eastenders – stow it until you get home.”

When asked whether Ebbsfleet’s three pending assault charges – in all cases the victims were allegedly clubbed around the head with their own Nokia – were examples of God’s will, he replied “He moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform. Especially if I’m trying to read my sodding book on the train in peace.”

Ebbsfleet feels that the study could also prompt further research into whether being an obnoxious, racist prick-end in public can increase the likelihood of having a massive stroke at a young age. “Clearly, anecdotal evidence suggests otherwise. Bernard Manning and Enoch Powell both lived to ripe old ages, and Mel Gibson doesn’t look a day over 45. But if we can publish an easily-understood paper that suggests it might, the effects on everyday life would be tremendous.”

Aiming his proposed research paper at Daily Mail readers, Ebbsfleet has suggested the title “Say the word coon one more time and you’re dead.”

‘Suppose I Kick Your Spine Out?’ Say Smokers

LSE Professor Talks Through Arse

Pro-smoking groups have hit back at a proposed ‘smoking permit’ law by suggesting a tandem ‘Mealymouthed Priggish Fuck’ scheme.

The debate was started after LSE professor Julian Le Grand suggested introducing a yearly £10 ‘smoking permit’, which would need to be presented before buying tobacco.

"Suppose every individual who wanted to buy tobacco had to purchase a permit. And suppose further they had to do this every year.” said Le Grand. “To get a permit would involve filling out a form and supplying a photograph, as well as paying the fee. Permits would only be issued to those over 18 and evidence of age would have to be provided. The money raised would go to the NHS."

Pro-smoking spokesman Tab Ebbsfleet reacted to Le Grand’s statement by saying “Good point. Interesting. But how about this? Suppose we found out where you lived? And suppose further we kicked your fucking spine up through your shirt collar, you prissy, meddling little cunt? Suppose we did that, eh? Eh?”

Le Grand has branded his scheme an example of “Libertarian Paternalism”, but Ebbsfleet preferred to call it an example of “Smart-arsed nannying bumwad.”

“Okay, here’s an idea, then.” Ebbsfleet continued “How about this? If anybody wants to be a presumptuous, interfering, po-faced, joyless little prick they have to present a photo permit? Before being allowed to pontificate like some Victorian nanny, they had to wave one of them around. It could say ‘Authorised Fun Vacuum’ on it or something.”

Le Grand’s paper went on to suggest daily ‘exercise hours’ for employees as well as banning salt in processed food. He told press “Off the record, I also think we should bury anybody with impure blood in a landfill, measure people’s craniums to assess their criminality and shoot anybody who isn’t tall, blond and can do 200 push-ups.”

A Department Of Health spokesman commented on Le Grand’s proposal by saying “Oh, yeah, we’ll get onto that straight away. Just as soon as we’ve implanted a chip into everybody’s brain that tells them not to eat pasties. Fucking idiot.”