NHS Failing Carry On-Mandated Targets

‘Shocking Lack Of Double Entendres’ Says Report

A study into standards of NHS wards has shown that, for the 36th year running, they have failed to reach the levels of slapstick naughtiness set by Carry On Matron in 1972.

Over 300 wards and 5,00 patients were examined and the compiler of the government paper, Professor Ivor Tumescent-Penis, stated “It is shocking to think that, as a country, we cannot offer the saucy, ramshackle health service that Carry On Matron promised us over 35 years ago. Just eight of the 300 wards were consistently staffed by buxom nurses wearing seamed stockings, less than 5% of employees could locate their swannee whistle for dropped trouser-related incidents and not one patient interviewed said they’d seen Jim Dale fly down a set of stairs riding a hospital trolley.”

The survey was published on the same day the Conservatives attacked Labour for failing to live up to their manifesto promise to abolish mixed-sex wards. Professor Tumescent-Penis feels, however, that these wards might go some way to attaining the ideal of seaside-postcard healthcare.

“A mixed-sex hospital ward offers far more opportunities for male patients to ogle female patients’ frilly night attire, preferably whilst saying “Corblimey” and slapping the back of their neck.” said the professor “Although single-sex wards would accommodate enormous balding men the opportunity to dress as unconvincing female patients. It’s a question of balance.”

The professor also feels that the shortfall is a training issue. “Current NHS training does not equip junior doctors with the skills required to trip over some bandages and inject the buttocks of a prone patient with an enormous hypodermic. Our inspectors were also saddened to find that no nurse monitored had swaddled somebody from head to foot in bandages.”
An NHS spokesperson, responding to the survey, stated “We offer all our patients the highest level of care possible under very difficult circumstances. While we acknowledge that not every ward can provide jaunty music or a hypochondriac male patient who thinks he’s pregnant, we will try our best to ensure that every hospital wing will be renamed something suggestive and naughty by 2011.”

46% Of Adults “Never Seen A Child”

“Are They Some Breed Of Deer?” Ask Poll Subjects

A recent survey by Barnardo’s showed that 46% of British adults are not petrified into a shivering funk of terror at the thought of encountering a swarm of barely-coherent youths high on glue & WKD on some blood-sodden street corner.

This has prompted Dale Ebbsfleet, who conducted the survey on the charity’s behalf, to conclude “We can only assume that these people have never actually met any children. Either that or they were so traumatised by their last encounter that they foolishly consider children to be twinkle-eyed Enid Blyton-esque creations who’d never dream of breaking into your flat, shitting on your couch and pinching anything narrow enough to fit through the doors of Cash Converters.”

However, Barnardo’s have cautioned against demonising Britain’s youth, claiming the vast majority of teenagers are “Decent and caring” and that terms like “Feral & Vermin” should be avoided.

This view was contested by Jez Template, whose Knutsford corner shop has been the target of 347 youth-related crimes since October. “Decent and caring, you say?” asked Template. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. If you’d have said “Hormonally driven to drink, hump, stab or steal everything they can get their hands on” then I’d have known who you were talking about. Only last week I had a pair of little twatters come into the shop. They set fire to a copy of ‘Razzle’, fucked the ashes, then pocketed the charred remains.”

When asked what alternative terms should be used to describe the youths who have targeted his shop, Template replied “Well if they won’t let me call them feral vermin I’m going to have to go for “Inexcusable shitheaps”. Is that okay? Anyway, I’m going to have to go. A bunch of twelve year olds are stabbing up my greeting card display for disrespecting them.”

But Barnardo’s continue to assert that many problem children have issues at home that drive them into criminal activity. One spokesperson stated “A lack of parental control, undiagnosed learning difficulties, even a poor diet can all contribute to antisocial behaviour. That and the fact they’re a bunch of amoral shitehawks.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Fat Man Sues Tesco Over Exercise DVD
“No Respect For My Life Of Gluttonous Sloth” Says Fired Behemoth

43-year-old shelf stacker Brian Ebbsfleet is set to sue his former employer Tesco after they insisted he handle workout DVDs as part of his job. “It’s against my what-do-you-call-‘em? Human rights, innit?” claims Ebbsfleet.

The 23-stone former employee was fired last month for ‘gross misconduct’ but Ebbsfleet insists Tesco victimised him due to his beliefs. “I’ve always maintained that a life of inertia and inactivity is, you know, good and that. I’ve never been to the gym in my life and I get taxis everywhere. I save my energy for higher thoughts and stuff, don’t I? So when my boss asked me to move that box of ‘Hollyoaks Workout’ DVDs, he was mocking me, right? So I want my payout, in cash if possible.”

Tesco person Jane Knutsford stated “Tesco embrace diversity and we are proud of our record of employing staff from every background, race, religion and disability. Mr Ebbsfleet’s contract was terminated after repeated warnings for inappropriate behaviour. This included taking magazines into the toilets for ‘dirty tea breaks’, stealing doughnuts and calling his line manager a ‘ponce’.”


Incredibly Expensive Cars ‘Cool’ Says Survey
Consumers Want Unimaginably Lavish Products, Says Coolbrand

In a survey conducted by Coolbrand into the screamingly obvious, Aston Martin has come top in a list of desirable brands. “This is quite a shock” said Coolbrand person Pegs Intray. “When we did the survey, we were expecting the most aspirational brand to be Kiwi boot polish or Ldl. So when it came back that the brand of product people liked most were the manufacturers of £150,000 sports cars that James Bond drives, that was a surprise.”

Intray went on to say “Aston Martin has always had the air of sophistication, innovation and engineering excellence. But I think what has moved it to the top of our survey is that they make cars that go like coke up a supermodel’s nose and could make a statue of Queen Victoria gush fanny batter.”

With other brands in the top twenty including Rolex, Dom Perignon and Nike, Intray stated “It’s obvious from our findings that British consumers basically want to live their entire lives in a Jaz Z video, rather than their asbestos-ridden council prole holes.”


Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
“Jammy, Jammy, Jammy Fucking Jammy Bastard” Says Hollywood Insider

After his marriage to one-woman wank factory Scarlett Johansson was confirmed by publicists, Ryan Reynolds has been dubbed “The flukiest, most undeserving git on two legs” by Hollywood columnist Jinks Firetrap.

The two were recently wed at a simple service near Vancouver, as according to hotel staff “Mr Reynolds didn’t want the usual media circus for his wedding as this would delay the point at which he could take his missus back to the honeymoon suite and sauce her something rotten.”

Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Firetrap concedes that Reynolds’ good fortune is a recent phenomenon, however. “Not so long ago, he was hitched to Alanis Morrisette. Imagine that screeching at you when you’re hungover. No thanks.”

Forbes Release Top 400 Greedy Swine List

“I Could Buy You All” Plutocrat Tells Press Conference

Forbes magazine has released its annual Top 400 Rich List in the midst of a global economic meltdown today, and a surprise entry at 387 was Edna Ebbsfleet, a retired dinner lady from Knutsford. “Eeeh, I’ve never been on any list, me” said Ebbsfleet, adding “I’m 87, you know.” Ebbsfleet’s appearance on the list was due to the £356.27 she has saved in her Post Office account.

Economic expert Ting Fanshaw explained “Mrs Ebbsfleet’s fortune has been built on a sound fiscal model of placing £5 in her savings every pension day. She’s shrewdly avoided the whole sub-prime market and it’s clearly paid dividends.” Mrs Ebbsfleet’s joy at appearing in the Forbes list was short-lived, however, as newspaper columnists quickly condemned her for not sharing her wealth with those more in need.

“It’s disgusting that a grasping old crone like that can sit on her nest-egg while our boys in Iraq can’t even afford straight bullets” said unhinged journo Richard Littlejohn. “Gordon Brown promised a fairer society when he wasn’t elected to number 10, but people like Mrs Ebbsfleet can still sit back and watch the interest on their wealth grow by pennies every year. Oh, and foreigners and poofs are disgusting, in case I hadn’t mentioned it.”

Despite Ebbsfleet’s appearance, the top end of the Forbes list was still dominated by multibillionaires, with Bill Gates featuring at number one with an estimated fortune of $57 billion. Gates recently asked Microsoft advisors “What is this recession thing they keep talking about on the news? Is it a type of cheese? Can you run Windows on it? Can I buy one?”

The number three spot was taken by Hamilton Croesus III, whose personal fortune is an estimated $47B billion. The Croesus family fortune was started in 1848 with “Old Pa’s Slave Emporium”, based in Mississippi. The shop sold items such as the “Old Stripey” whip for the slave trade. They became famous for their slogan “Emancipate Yourself From Troublesome Negras”.

Today, the Croesus business portfolio has diversified into less controversial areas such as the arms industry, South American logging and representing Premier League footballers. At the Forbes press conference, Hamilton Croesus told reporters “Who the hell do you people think you’re looking at? I could have you shot, you know.” When asked his opinion about the current global recession, he replied “We’re all feeling the pinch, my boy. Why, only last week my Lear jet was clean out of ’57 Montrachet.”

Moyles Slammed For Promoting ‘Being Shite’

DJ ‘Frequently Revelled In Mediocrity’, Says Report

Radio 1’s jumped-up iPod Chris Moyles has been the subject of serious criticism from an academic study that found he “Repeatedly attempted to make being a moronic, bullying, talentless buffoon appear a glamorous, aspirational lifestyle.”

The study, which listened to over 1,000 hours of radio, found over 600 references to ‘being a boorish, unfunny braggard’, 375 references to ‘thinking mild homophobia and pig ignorance is hysterical’ and 250 references to ‘basking in the fact he’s an unimaginative, obnoxious shitpeddler’ in Moyles’ show.

Researcher Karl Ebbsfleet said “It’s a dangerous message to be sending out, particularly at a time of day when kids could be listening. Childhood stupidity is steadily increasing, as well as the number of youths dabbling in pig-eyed bigotry.”

“Many of these kids will look up to Moyles and think “He’s a globulous, sexist, opinionated, pointless fat heap of dung and he’s a millionaire. If it’s worked for him it could work for me.” But what they don’t realise is that binge idiocy usually leads to a very unhappy life, probably driving a minicab, boring acquaintances down the pub with your unoriginal quips and ill-informed opinions.”

Moyles joined Radio 1 in 1997 where he was an instant hit amongst the broadcaster’s hooting, subhuman listeners with his hilarious song parodies that replaced one word of the song title with something else, usually ‘beer’ or ‘pie’.

Early features in Moyles’ show included “Fuck Off, You Poof”, “Let Me Feel Your Tits And I’ll Give You A Pound, You Fucking Whore” and “Guess Who I’m Shagging?”, in which he described the latest hapless starfucker who was prepared to have his juddering, sweaty carcass heaped on top of her for three minutes in order to get a job as a runner for Terry Wogan.

Moyles has had frequent run-ins with Ofcom, mainly over his repeated insistence on being an asinine fuckwad, but has so far managed to hold on to his vapid nonentity of a job. Ebbsfleet, however, feels his new academic study could spell the end for the DJ.

“Society has changed and the message broadcasters send out to youths needs to reflect that.” said Ebbsfeet. “Gun & knife culture, excessive drinking, eating junk food – we cannot have these glamorised by the media. But more than that, we cannot have a whole generation growing up thinking that being disgraceful, pathetic, revolting shitefist like Moyles is acceptable.”

80% Of Accidents ‘Caused By Evil Car Gnome’

“He Lives in Your Carburettor & Smells Like Ottawa” Says Crash Survivor



The existence of a malevolent car-dwelling sprite that gnaws through brake cables, hangs off windscreen wipers and puts the engine into first gear while you’re not looking is just one of a number of explanations given for the millions of car accidents that occurred in the UK last year.

Direct Line car insurance, who conducted the survey in the name of rigorous scientific research and in no way to get a page 5 filler story in the tabloids, say car manufacturers should make drivers more aware of the car gnome and his unquenchable thirst for vehicular destruction.

“It’s all very well fitting airbags, antilock brakes and the like” said Direct Line person Janice Ebbsfleet “but until they do more to eradicate the existence of an untraceable troll, there’s really little point.”

Other reasons drivers gave for ploughing their ton of metal into a tree included “The wrong type of tarmac”, “Sudden attacks of existential ennui” and “Radio 1”. But the most controversial reason is inaccurate directions given by SatNav equipment.

Road safety group Brake have called on SatNav companies to show more responsibility. “We hail the SatNav. We must do its bidding. The SatNav is wise, and knows all. But could the SatNav please stop telling us to pull a u-turn at 70 miles an hour on the A1? Our necks hurt. All praise to the mighty SatNav.”

Motoring journalist Jeremy Knutsford was less than sympathetic with the survey’s findings. “If you’ve passed your driving test, we can assume a couple of things. You’ve got opposable thumbs and can read to a standard that allows you to know what road signs mean.”

“So given these assumptions, can we not further assume that you’re a marginally-intelligent adult and as such should take some responsibility if you suddenly decide to veer off into a canal, for fuck’s sake?”

Garry Chester, the sole survivor of a twelve-car pileup, still maintains that his SatNav was responsible for the 21 fatalities his accident caused, however. “I was driving home from work, a journey I’d done every day for the past eight years. I’d recently bought my SatNav and switched it on out of curiosity just before I set off.

“So I’m doing 55 down the dual carriageway when suddenly this plummy-voiced bird told me to turn left into a ravine. I was brought up to obey my betters, so I slung the car over the barriers and down the embankment. I was only doing what it told me to. Can I have my compensation cheque, now, please?”