Police Search For White Bath Tub On Wheels

“Battleaxe Of Hearts” Dies In Mysterious Circumstances

Police have launched a nationwide search for a white tin bath tub on wheels as early indications suggest that it was involved in the death of actress Kathy Staff, better known as Last Of The Summer Wine’s Nora Batty by people who remember watching the show when they were kids but haven’t seen an episode in years.

Ms Staff was admitted into Holmfirth A&E department late last night after her motorised scooter crashed in the Alan Bennett Underpass just outside Holmfirth. It is believed that Staff was still conscious after the collision but did not receive vital first aid.

Several as-yet-unidentified photographers, thought to be on a walking holiday of the Pennines, allegedly stopped to take pictures of the stricken actress (One commenting “It’s that one that used to be in that thing. Crossroads, wasn’t it?”) but did not attempt to give medical assistance.

West Yorkshire Police have issued an early chronology of Ms Staff’s final hours. “Kathy Staff left the Leeds Hilton accompanied by her care worker Henry Pallett at 1030pm” said Inspector Charles Ebbsfleet.

“Although CCTV footage shows Mr Pallett behaving in a composed manner, subsequent blood tests indicate he had consumed at least three halves of John Smiths. There were also traces of Sanatogen present. We cannot confirm whether this contributed to the fatal accident.”Ebbsfleet’s report then stated that Ms Staff’s motorscooter was pursued by autograph hunters along Dunford Road at speeds exceeding 6 mph before entering the Alan Bennett tunnel. A local resident has reported seeing bright flashes from the tunnel, possibly a Snappy Snaps disposable camera.

But police are most interested to hear from the drivers of a converted tin bath, painted white, seen leaving the tunnel at the time of the accident. “The drivers of this madcap vehicle need to contact us as soon as possible” said Ebbsfleet. A description of the drivers was released and police are looking for three white males, aged approximately 83, wearing tweed.

The internet is already alive with conspiracy theories into Staff’s death, but the most popular points the finger at the highest reaches of the establishment. This theory claims that senior managers within the BBC wanted Staff dead after hearing rumours she intended to marry Arthur Knutsford, a woman’s outfitter from Huddersfield. “The BBC could not allow Nora Batty to wed a man who had access to properly-fitted hosiery. Thirty years of tradition would crumble if she were seen with unwrinkled stockings. So they killed our Kathy.”

The Holmfirth Tea Room has opened a book of condolence and upwards of six floral tributes have already been laid outside.

Lehman Redundancies ‘Funny As Fuck’

“WoooHahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Says Expert

The sudden redundancies of 5,000 traders, fund managers and financiers at Lehman Brothers Bank has been dubbed “The single most hilarious thing I’ve seen on the news in years” by economist Connaught Ebbsfleet.

Ebbsfleet, a professor at Knutsford University, states that while the bank’s collapse could have far-reaching implications for the world economy, it may also replace Del Boy falling through that trap door as Britain’s favourite comedy clip. “Some of them were actually crying as they left the office with their pot plants under their arms. Classic, absolutely classic.”

Viewing footage of bewildered city workers, whose company BMWs were taken off them, standing in a confused manner at bus stops trying to figure out how public transport actually works, Ebbsfleet commented “The only pity is that Lehman Brothers didn’t get sufficient warning that the sackings were going to take place. Not to implement some kind of structured rationalisation or anything like that. I just reckon they could have made a bit of quick money selling tickets for the exit interviews.”

Ebbsfleet estimates that at £10 a ticket, Lehman Brothers could have recouped £1.5M by allowing the public to sit and watch each smug, greedy, suit full of fuck-all being given the boot. “Imagine it” said Ebbsfleet “Sitting there with a box of popcorn and a sloppy grin plastered over your face as yet another blank-eyed public school monstrosity is told that his second home in the Dordogne is right out of the frigging window. They’d have to Scotchguard the carpets against fountains of hilarity-induced piss.”

The Isle Of Dogs Jobcentre has prepared itself by ensuring their coffee machine can dispense skinny mocha lattes and there are plans to add a sushi bar. Given the sudden influx onto the job market of city workers, Ebbsfleet gave some suggestions as to how they may be gainfully employed. “I think they should continue in their commitment to the companies they gambled away other people’s money on. Maybe they could go diamond mining in Liberia? Nike need more sweatshop drones and given the high mortality rate of the work, Brazilian tree-fellers are always in demand. They pumped billions into these companies, so maybe they should go out there and die of exhaustion and/or malaria if they thought they were such great organisations.”

80% Of Accidents ‘Caused By Evil Car Gnome’

“He Lives in Your Carburettor & Smells Like Ottawa” Says Crash Survivor



The existence of a malevolent car-dwelling sprite that gnaws through brake cables, hangs off windscreen wipers and puts the engine into first gear while you’re not looking is just one of a number of explanations given for the millions of car accidents that occurred in the UK last year.

Direct Line car insurance, who conducted the survey in the name of rigorous scientific research and in no way to get a page 5 filler story in the tabloids, say car manufacturers should make drivers more aware of the car gnome and his unquenchable thirst for vehicular destruction.

“It’s all very well fitting airbags, antilock brakes and the like” said Direct Line person Janice Ebbsfleet “but until they do more to eradicate the existence of an untraceable troll, there’s really little point.”

Other reasons drivers gave for ploughing their ton of metal into a tree included “The wrong type of tarmac”, “Sudden attacks of existential ennui” and “Radio 1”. But the most controversial reason is inaccurate directions given by SatNav equipment.

Road safety group Brake have called on SatNav companies to show more responsibility. “We hail the SatNav. We must do its bidding. The SatNav is wise, and knows all. But could the SatNav please stop telling us to pull a u-turn at 70 miles an hour on the A1? Our necks hurt. All praise to the mighty SatNav.”

Motoring journalist Jeremy Knutsford was less than sympathetic with the survey’s findings. “If you’ve passed your driving test, we can assume a couple of things. You’ve got opposable thumbs and can read to a standard that allows you to know what road signs mean.”

“So given these assumptions, can we not further assume that you’re a marginally-intelligent adult and as such should take some responsibility if you suddenly decide to veer off into a canal, for fuck’s sake?”

Garry Chester, the sole survivor of a twelve-car pileup, still maintains that his SatNav was responsible for the 21 fatalities his accident caused, however. “I was driving home from work, a journey I’d done every day for the past eight years. I’d recently bought my SatNav and switched it on out of curiosity just before I set off.

“So I’m doing 55 down the dual carriageway when suddenly this plummy-voiced bird told me to turn left into a ravine. I was brought up to obey my betters, so I slung the car over the barriers and down the embankment. I was only doing what it told me to. Can I have my compensation cheque, now, please?”

US Stock Market Crash Continues To Make No Fucking Difference

“Price Of Cornflakes Completely Unaffected” Says Economist

Following the recent collapse of Bear Stearns Bank in the US and the consequent stock market slump, leading economist Terry Ebbsfleet confirmed that “My weekly shopping at Tesco still came to about thirty quid. And that was even after I’d bought a twelve-pack of Stella, which normally bumps it up a bit.”

Ebbsfleet explained the chain of events in the US economy meltdown “Some organisation you’ve never heard of still has all the same stuff it used to have, but now that stuff’s worth a lot less for reasons nobody really understands. So the government had to give them a shitload of money. The company didn’t buy any new stuff with it or anything, but they needed that money so the stuff they already own is worth what it used to be. I think that’s right, anyway.”

Ebbsfleet went on to explain the effect this had on the wider economy “Lots of other people who buy parts of completely unconnected companies suddenly decided that this meant those companies were now worth less too. Even though, yes I know, they still had all the same stuff – it’s not like all their office furniture suddenly fell to bits or they lost a building or something. So they told all their mates that the bits of company they owned could now be bought for even cheaper. They weren’t necessarily going to buy those bits of company, mind, but if they were they’d expect to pay less for it. I tend to get a little lost at this point but I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.”

Asked how this would affect people in the UK, Ebbsfleet replied “Not in the frigging slightest. Seriously. Fags & booze still cost too much, you can still get tins of beans in Aldi for about nine pence. It’s all exactly the same. When I heard the news I expected the supermarket to look like 5pm on Christmas Eve, but no. There’s still all the same amount of stuff in the world and it all costs pretty much the same amount to buy. Although Tesco have got some pretty decent two-for-one offers on lager at the moment.”

Describing any positive benefits that could be expected from the US slump, Ebbsfleet said “Well quite a few rich, sneering, cocky twats might end up penniless and blow their brains out, so there’s always that. But ultimately you’re still going to have to go to work, keep up your mortgage and pay over the odds for petrol. Same old, same old.”

Ungrateful Bastard Sues BA

"Where There's Heroism, There's A Claim" Says Passenger

Following the crash landing of Flight 38 on January 17th, in which pilot John Coward averted a major disaster by steering the stricken Boeing to safety, one passenger has decided to sue BA for “Shits, giggles and most importantly – cash.”

University Lecturer Paul Strafford told the press “Many might think that, after the pilot skilfully manoeuvred hundreds of tons of metal going a few hundred miles an hour to safety, I might show a modicum of gratitude. Well, they’re wrong. I’ve been mildly perturbed since the incident and I think my mild perturbation should be compensated with a cheque fat enough to burst a padded envelope.”

BA confirmed that Strafford, along with all other passengers on the flight, had been written to personally with an apology and an offer of counselling. “They can sodding well whistle if they think I’m settling for that” said Strafford “If some fat bint can get five grand for slipping on an office floor, like in that advert, this must be a goldmine.”

A relative of Strafford, who wished to remain nameless, confirmed his history of breathtaking ingratitude. “Paul’s always been the same” said the anonymous twin brother. “I remember when I saved him from drowning when he was twelve, he banged on for two months about the shoe he’d lost in the river. He reckoned I should have dived back in to retrieve it, rather than ‘taking a breather in my wheelchair’.”

Strafford, who lectures in Unappreciative Shitbag Studies at Knutsford University, went on “I’ve hardly slept a wink since the accident. I manage six hours, maybe seven at most a night. That’s hardly fair, is it? And my coffee spilt over my trousers when the pilot was stopping us from turning into a hurtling metallic deathball. Well, they’re going to pay through the nose for it. How dare they?”

John Coward was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the pilot say his response to the news was “What? The cheeky fucking turd. I wish I’d used his bollocks for air brakes. Next time I hit a bit of turbulence, I’m parachuting the fuck out. Let them deal with it.”