Lehman Redundancies ‘Funny As Fuck’

“WoooHahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Says Expert

The sudden redundancies of 5,000 traders, fund managers and financiers at Lehman Brothers Bank has been dubbed “The single most hilarious thing I’ve seen on the news in years” by economist Connaught Ebbsfleet.

Ebbsfleet, a professor at Knutsford University, states that while the bank’s collapse could have far-reaching implications for the world economy, it may also replace Del Boy falling through that trap door as Britain’s favourite comedy clip. “Some of them were actually crying as they left the office with their pot plants under their arms. Classic, absolutely classic.”

Viewing footage of bewildered city workers, whose company BMWs were taken off them, standing in a confused manner at bus stops trying to figure out how public transport actually works, Ebbsfleet commented “The only pity is that Lehman Brothers didn’t get sufficient warning that the sackings were going to take place. Not to implement some kind of structured rationalisation or anything like that. I just reckon they could have made a bit of quick money selling tickets for the exit interviews.”

Ebbsfleet estimates that at £10 a ticket, Lehman Brothers could have recouped £1.5M by allowing the public to sit and watch each smug, greedy, suit full of fuck-all being given the boot. “Imagine it” said Ebbsfleet “Sitting there with a box of popcorn and a sloppy grin plastered over your face as yet another blank-eyed public school monstrosity is told that his second home in the Dordogne is right out of the frigging window. They’d have to Scotchguard the carpets against fountains of hilarity-induced piss.”

The Isle Of Dogs Jobcentre has prepared itself by ensuring their coffee machine can dispense skinny mocha lattes and there are plans to add a sushi bar. Given the sudden influx onto the job market of city workers, Ebbsfleet gave some suggestions as to how they may be gainfully employed. “I think they should continue in their commitment to the companies they gambled away other people’s money on. Maybe they could go diamond mining in Liberia? Nike need more sweatshop drones and given the high mortality rate of the work, Brazilian tree-fellers are always in demand. They pumped billions into these companies, so maybe they should go out there and die of exhaustion and/or malaria if they thought they were such great organisations.”

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians

“It’s Like Being In A Waltzer Full Of Spangles” Says Comic

The government plan to cull wild badgers in an attempt to curb the spread of bovine TB has been quashed following a campaign by SUCKS. SUCKS (Stand Up Comics’ Kiddy Surrealism) said the planned cull amounted to a restriction of trade.

SUCKS spokesman Lester Ebbsfleet said “It was mad, right. All these MPs were, like, going to stamp all over the countryside like giant spiders made of tweed. And all the badgers were like “Oh no, I’ve only just re-carpeted my set and now there’s going to be a big spider footprint in the middle of it. Nightmare.

So we all got together and baked some cakes that said ‘Leave the badgers alone’ on them. Except it wasn’t written in icing, right, what we actually did was we trained some ants to stand in formation and they were well annoyed because July is the end of the ant tax year and they had loads of forms they had to fill in by the end of the week.”

Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

“Anyway, badgers are just funny, aren’t they? Say ‘badger’ onstage and that’s as good as a punchline. Unless you don’t speak English. Hey, imagine if you had a badger living in your pocket that couldn’t speak English? That would be mad, because you’re trying to tell him to keep quiet while you’re reading a book and he’s insisting on listening to the radio, only he’s saying it in German…”