Travolta Son Dies Of “Imbalanced Dynamics”

Jet’s Operating Thetan Level Was ‘Fish’ At Time Of Death

John Travolta has revealed that his 16-year-old son Jet died while on holiday due to the fact “He had failed to attend the $5,000 Scientology course that deals with not drowning in the bath”. The Battlefield Earth chindimple stated that “Our trusted Scientology pathologist - the former actress Kirstie Alley – has shown that my beloved son was taken from us after his dynamic relating to ‘Life’ was, like, totally out of whack.”

Jet’s body was discovered by Travolta in the early hours of Saturday morning. It is believed that the sort-of-actor had been attending a function dedicated to building a three-hundred foot monument to L Ron Hubbard constructed entirely out of fifty-dollar bills.

Scientology spokesperson Teck Ebbsfleet explained “The human person is made up of eight dynamics relating to different areas of existence – ‘Spirituality’, ‘Self’, ‘Gullibility’ and so on. Each of them has a direct impact on our day to day life. That will be eight hundred dollars, please”.

“According to our audit records Mr Travolta’s son was behind schedule for the training course relating to ‘Life’. In this course, via a series of Direct Debit-based lessons, we show the subject how a trillion-year-old spirit, formerly suffering under the extraterrestrial dictatorship of Helatrobus, can hold back an individual and stop him from sucking up bathwater like a hungry aardvark. What? No, really, I’m deadly serious. Fifteen hundred dollars, please.”

Travolta, who shot to fame for not being shit in three of his many films, is to fly Jet’s body to the International Church Of Scientology for a private funeral later this week. He is expected to donate several million dollars to the legally-protected religion in order to ensure that Jet’s Thetan level on reincarnation is sufficient to grant him steady work in regional theatre.

Messages of condolence have been sent from many of Hollywood’s famous blank-eyed lunatics. Tom Cruise said “Our thoughts go out to John at this time, although we know he won’t feel depressed about it because psychology is just bullshit. I know these things, for I am Tom Cruise. Hear me now, o globe. Hear the words of Tom Cruise.” Katie Holmes added a more cryptic message of sorrow, saying “I please am help very me saddened Tom to is hear keeping about me Jet. Prisoner He the was fucking a gibbering great moron kid.

As a mark of respect, Scientology representatives across the globe will drape black cloth over their ‘E Meters’ while buttonholing confused and lonely passers-by outside their joyless centres.

Police Search For White Bath Tub On Wheels

“Battleaxe Of Hearts” Dies In Mysterious Circumstances

Police have launched a nationwide search for a white tin bath tub on wheels as early indications suggest that it was involved in the death of actress Kathy Staff, better known as Last Of The Summer Wine’s Nora Batty by people who remember watching the show when they were kids but haven’t seen an episode in years.

Ms Staff was admitted into Holmfirth A&E department late last night after her motorised scooter crashed in the Alan Bennett Underpass just outside Holmfirth. It is believed that Staff was still conscious after the collision but did not receive vital first aid.

Several as-yet-unidentified photographers, thought to be on a walking holiday of the Pennines, allegedly stopped to take pictures of the stricken actress (One commenting “It’s that one that used to be in that thing. Crossroads, wasn’t it?”) but did not attempt to give medical assistance.

West Yorkshire Police have issued an early chronology of Ms Staff’s final hours. “Kathy Staff left the Leeds Hilton accompanied by her care worker Henry Pallett at 1030pm” said Inspector Charles Ebbsfleet.

“Although CCTV footage shows Mr Pallett behaving in a composed manner, subsequent blood tests indicate he had consumed at least three halves of John Smiths. There were also traces of Sanatogen present. We cannot confirm whether this contributed to the fatal accident.”Ebbsfleet’s report then stated that Ms Staff’s motorscooter was pursued by autograph hunters along Dunford Road at speeds exceeding 6 mph before entering the Alan Bennett tunnel. A local resident has reported seeing bright flashes from the tunnel, possibly a Snappy Snaps disposable camera.

But police are most interested to hear from the drivers of a converted tin bath, painted white, seen leaving the tunnel at the time of the accident. “The drivers of this madcap vehicle need to contact us as soon as possible” said Ebbsfleet. A description of the drivers was released and police are looking for three white males, aged approximately 83, wearing tweed.

The internet is already alive with conspiracy theories into Staff’s death, but the most popular points the finger at the highest reaches of the establishment. This theory claims that senior managers within the BBC wanted Staff dead after hearing rumours she intended to marry Arthur Knutsford, a woman’s outfitter from Huddersfield. “The BBC could not allow Nora Batty to wed a man who had access to properly-fitted hosiery. Thirty years of tradition would crumble if she were seen with unwrinkled stockings. So they killed our Kathy.”

The Holmfirth Tea Room has opened a book of condolence and upwards of six floral tributes have already been laid outside.