Travolta Son Dies Of “Imbalanced Dynamics”

Jet’s Operating Thetan Level Was ‘Fish’ At Time Of Death

John Travolta has revealed that his 16-year-old son Jet died while on holiday due to the fact “He had failed to attend the $5,000 Scientology course that deals with not drowning in the bath”. The Battlefield Earth chindimple stated that “Our trusted Scientology pathologist - the former actress Kirstie Alley – has shown that my beloved son was taken from us after his dynamic relating to ‘Life’ was, like, totally out of whack.”

Jet’s body was discovered by Travolta in the early hours of Saturday morning. It is believed that the sort-of-actor had been attending a function dedicated to building a three-hundred foot monument to L Ron Hubbard constructed entirely out of fifty-dollar bills.

Scientology spokesperson Teck Ebbsfleet explained “The human person is made up of eight dynamics relating to different areas of existence – ‘Spirituality’, ‘Self’, ‘Gullibility’ and so on. Each of them has a direct impact on our day to day life. That will be eight hundred dollars, please”.

“According to our audit records Mr Travolta’s son was behind schedule for the training course relating to ‘Life’. In this course, via a series of Direct Debit-based lessons, we show the subject how a trillion-year-old spirit, formerly suffering under the extraterrestrial dictatorship of Helatrobus, can hold back an individual and stop him from sucking up bathwater like a hungry aardvark. What? No, really, I’m deadly serious. Fifteen hundred dollars, please.”

Travolta, who shot to fame for not being shit in three of his many films, is to fly Jet’s body to the International Church Of Scientology for a private funeral later this week. He is expected to donate several million dollars to the legally-protected religion in order to ensure that Jet’s Thetan level on reincarnation is sufficient to grant him steady work in regional theatre.

Messages of condolence have been sent from many of Hollywood’s famous blank-eyed lunatics. Tom Cruise said “Our thoughts go out to John at this time, although we know he won’t feel depressed about it because psychology is just bullshit. I know these things, for I am Tom Cruise. Hear me now, o globe. Hear the words of Tom Cruise.” Katie Holmes added a more cryptic message of sorrow, saying “I please am help very me saddened Tom to is hear keeping about me Jet. Prisoner He the was fucking a gibbering great moron kid.

As a mark of respect, Scientology representatives across the globe will drape black cloth over their ‘E Meters’ while buttonholing confused and lonely passers-by outside their joyless centres.

Britain Headed For Perspective Crisis

‘Sense Of Actual Importance’ Lowest Since 1920s

As John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing and Timmy Mallett joined the cast of I’m A Celebrity…, Great Britain is poised to suffer its greatest lack of perspective in eighty years, according to one leading sociologist. “If things carry on at this rate, by April of next year most of Britain will be reduced to a gibbering wreck if Darren’s affair is discovered on ‘Hollyoaks’” said Ellroy Ebbsfleet, professor of Socio-Economic Neurophilosophy at Knutsford Community College.

His report comes after vast swathes of the public keened themselves into a seething fury after a man who wasn’t very good at doing something was repeatedly told he wasn’t very good at doing it, on a show that made him try to do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing. As a result, he stopped doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing despite many people enjoying watching him do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing.

“I’m disgusted, this is worse than when my daughter was murdered” said ‘Strictly’ fan and mother of six Elsie Wretched. “I’ve been topping up my mobile credit every six hours to keep voting for him and then what does he do? He clears off. He should be strung up for such a betrayal, he’s no better than a paedophile. An immigrant paedophile, at that.” she gibbered.

The BBC has promised to refund all phone charges to people who voted for the man doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing, of their own free will. It is expected they will affix a cannon full of pound coins to a Securicor van and speed it through several major council estates, firing high-speed financial shrapnel at the slavering mob following the vehicle and hooting.

Meanwhile another broadcaster of people going camping abroad has incensed viewers free to do anything else this glittering and endlessly enthralling globe has to offer by adding another camper who used to be annoying on another show they were perfectly at liberty not to watch. “When I first saw Mallett’s face appear on my screen, I tried to punch him repeatedly” said ‘Celebrity’ fan Mick Pancreas. “But I just ended up with hot shards of glass in my face. I’ll be sending the bill to ITV, don’t you worry. I haven’t been this upset since Diana died.”

Ebbsfleet fears that these reactions are typical and that Britain is heading into a meltdown of giving a fuck about things worth giving a fuck about. “We haven’t seen a crisis like this since the 1920s” he confirmed. “While the dark clouds of Fascism and National Socialism were hovering over Europe, most of Britain was getting into heated debates over who would win in a fight between Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd.”

David Dimbleby To Host MTV Awards

“Double D Shouts Out To All His Niggas” Says Broadcaster

After Will Young was invited to appear on BBC’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has been named as the presenter for this year’s European MTV Awards. During the show, the 69-year-old is expected to sing a specially-written duet with Snoop Dogg entitled “Suck My PPE Degree, Bizzle.”

It is the first time the political correspondent has appeared at the MTV awards ceremony and his agent said Dimbleby is “Very excited at the opprtunity to quiz The Kooks on their views on overseas development, question The Jonas Brothers on middle-east affairs and get a really good look at Girls Alouds’ rabbits up close.”

The move was sparked after housewives’ favourite singing chin Will Young was invited as a guest on Question Time by producer Gill Penlington. Young stated he was a fan of the show during an interview for Radio 5. “I started screaming and running around the house as soon as I heard” said Penlington.

“I’ve thought he was well lush since he was on Pop Idol and I voted for him 27 times so that skanky Gareth Gates wouldn’t win. He looks like a clockwork hedgehog and I hate him. I called all my mates and told them what he’d said and they were dead jealous. Kirsty Wark reckoned I was lying but that’s just ‘cos everyone found out about the time David Miliband fingered her in the conference room at Chequers.”

Young is set to appear on Question Time in December, alongside Shami Chakrabarti, Will Self, John Sergeant and Duffy. Meanwhile, MTV producers are trumpeting Dimbleby’s participation as “A real coup for the music channel. We want to show that pop music deserves the same pomp and gravitas given to other art forms such as classical music and opera. An experienced hand like Dimbleby will certainly bring that to the show as he announces such awards as “Best Hotpants In A Video”, “Best Use Of The Phrase ‘Da Club’” and “Outstanding Achievement In Pissing On A 14-Year-Old”.

Moyles Slammed For Promoting ‘Being Shite’

DJ ‘Frequently Revelled In Mediocrity’, Says Report

Radio 1’s jumped-up iPod Chris Moyles has been the subject of serious criticism from an academic study that found he “Repeatedly attempted to make being a moronic, bullying, talentless buffoon appear a glamorous, aspirational lifestyle.”

The study, which listened to over 1,000 hours of radio, found over 600 references to ‘being a boorish, unfunny braggard’, 375 references to ‘thinking mild homophobia and pig ignorance is hysterical’ and 250 references to ‘basking in the fact he’s an unimaginative, obnoxious shitpeddler’ in Moyles’ show.

Researcher Karl Ebbsfleet said “It’s a dangerous message to be sending out, particularly at a time of day when kids could be listening. Childhood stupidity is steadily increasing, as well as the number of youths dabbling in pig-eyed bigotry.”

“Many of these kids will look up to Moyles and think “He’s a globulous, sexist, opinionated, pointless fat heap of dung and he’s a millionaire. If it’s worked for him it could work for me.” But what they don’t realise is that binge idiocy usually leads to a very unhappy life, probably driving a minicab, boring acquaintances down the pub with your unoriginal quips and ill-informed opinions.”

Moyles joined Radio 1 in 1997 where he was an instant hit amongst the broadcaster’s hooting, subhuman listeners with his hilarious song parodies that replaced one word of the song title with something else, usually ‘beer’ or ‘pie’.

Early features in Moyles’ show included “Fuck Off, You Poof”, “Let Me Feel Your Tits And I’ll Give You A Pound, You Fucking Whore” and “Guess Who I’m Shagging?”, in which he described the latest hapless starfucker who was prepared to have his juddering, sweaty carcass heaped on top of her for three minutes in order to get a job as a runner for Terry Wogan.

Moyles has had frequent run-ins with Ofcom, mainly over his repeated insistence on being an asinine fuckwad, but has so far managed to hold on to his vapid nonentity of a job. Ebbsfleet, however, feels his new academic study could spell the end for the DJ.

“Society has changed and the message broadcasters send out to youths needs to reflect that.” said Ebbsfeet. “Gun & knife culture, excessive drinking, eating junk food – we cannot have these glamorised by the media. But more than that, we cannot have a whole generation growing up thinking that being disgraceful, pathetic, revolting shitefist like Moyles is acceptable.”

Agyness Dean Clips Nails

World Of Fashion Turned On Head



Style gurus around this fragile planet we call Earth were sent into a spinning vortex of turmoil today as paparazzi photos reveal that model, singer, model and model Agyness Dean has clipped her trademark long nails into a stunning new shorter-nails look.

Dean – who has eroded the very foundations of fashion and flung it, trembling, over the abyss into chaos with her freewheeling, daring and controversial haircuts and shoes – was photographed outside ‘Yah’, a hip, exclusive trendarium, nightspot and drycleaners in Chelsea, by paparazzo Umberto Ebbsfleet. When he reviewed the photos, he realised he’d snapped the most important and iconic pictures since the Berlin Wall tumbled much like fashion has done because of Agyness Dean, like we mentioned earlier.

“At first I didn’t notice as I was too busy looking at her cutting-edge gamine hairdo, fresh-faced complexion, down-to-earth Northerness and perky tits” said Ebbsfleet. “But when I’d, erm, finished, my eyes strayed to her fingernails. I could not believe what I was privileged to witness with these too, too mortal eyes. Her fingernails were about half an inch shorter than normal.”

Ebbsfleet immediately contacted all the major fashion magazines and a bidding war went into overdrive. Although reluctant to discuss how much the photos fetched (they were eventually bought by New York style magazine “ID Yo! Tick”), it is widely believed he is now richer than Croesus with a twelve-horse accumulator.

What happens in the aftermath of the hypermodel slightly trimming the bits of keratin on the ends of her fingers is unclear, but according to designer Tir Knutsford, the universe of over-priced ridiculous clothes will never be the same again. “Agyness Dean has seized the zeitgeist by the scruff of its neck with her newly-trimmed nails and shook it until all the fashion gold has fallen out of its pockets.”

“This generation will forever remember where they were when they heard that some pretty-looking woman had a manicure. Me? I was having cocaine licked out of my anus by my miniature poodle Klaus.”

Agyness Dean, in her typically frank, Northern, forthrightly Northern manner, has tried to play down this epoch-blistering event by commenting “Blimey, I were only having me nails cut a bit, lad. Eeeh. I’m Northern, I am. Have I mentioned it? By eck.”

Prostitutes To Sue Over Katona Jibe

“We Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead in Iceland” Says IUSW Spokestrollop



After Kerry Katona won a sizeable damages suit against the Sunday Mirror for claims that she had once been a prostitute, the International Union of Sex Workers has filed a claim of defamation after being compared to the former Atomic Kitten.

IUSW media spokesmoppet Candee Ebbsfleet said “We cock-handlers have been stigmatised since the dawn of history. In Ezekiel, the Bible says ‘And they shall burn your houses and execute judgments upon you in the sight of many women. I will make you stop playing the whore, and you shall also give payment no more.’ which not only encourages arson but non-payment for goods received.”

Ebbsfleet went on to reference other instances of dollymopism, including the 1842 Decency Act, which forbids “Any woman to walk the streets unaccompanied for the purposes of exchanging handjobs for farthings” and the John Ford play “Tis Pity She’s A Whore – Dump Her Body In A Rolled Up Carpet In A Layby.”

The IUSW formed in the year 2000 to work for the rights of its members and their right to work with members. They feel the Sunday Mirror’s article is deeply detrimental to the average prostitute in the street.

“Most sex workers are normal, decent people trying to earn a living and by comparing us with somebody like Kerry Katona, the Sunday Mirror has reinforced the prevailing view that we’re all drug-addled, foul-mouthed commoners with a face like a burst embryo” said Ebbsfleet.

The Sunday Mirror has been quick to distance itself from the IUSW’s allegations, stating “By saying Kerry Katona was an ex-prostitute, our intention was never to denigrate the vast majority of decent, hardworking hookers. We fully accept that being a sex-worker does not automatically mean you’re a talentless, tone-deaf, pig-eyed sack of dung and we apologise if any such inference was made.”

Winehouse Escape Plot Foiled

Singer Attempted To Post Herself To Jailed Husband



An audacious plot to spring Blake Fielder-Civil, the inappropriately-named partner of Amy Winehouse, from jail was uncovered by Metropolitan Police and the Royal Mail early this morning.

Acting on a tipoff from Royal Mail workers, police opened a suspect envelope addressed to Fielder-Civil at Pentonville Prison to find a disorientated Winehouse inside. Workers were first alerted to her presence when the envelope started asking for a light before punching a passing postman.

“Winehouse’s much-publicised weight loss was, it seems, integral to the escape plan.” said Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet “While many have ascribed it to drug usage, stress, etc. it seems the singer was making herself thin enough to be carried by post.”

A raid on Winehouse’s Camden address also revealed several yoga DVDs and manuals, which police believe she has studied for some time in order to make herself flexible enough to fit inside the A4 envelope. Her tattoos were allegedly a form of camouflage, making prison officers believe she was merely a severely-smudged love note.

“Once inside Pentonville, we think Winehouse planned to burst out of the envelope and track down her husband’s cell. Able to slip through the bars, she would have then used a nailfile hidden in her beehive to pick the lock.”

Winehouse is currently being questioned by Met police, but so far has answered “No, no, no” to all their lines of enquiry. But Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet praised his officers. “Today we stopped a very serious crime from being committed. Without our work, yet another jumped-up, cokefaced, braying toff arsewit would be loose on the streets of Hoxton.”

Meanwhile, Pete Doherty, friend of the soul singer, has shocked the music world by announcing his plans to enter next year’s Tour De France. His agent stated “Pete loves the outdoors, especially the countryside of France. So the opportunity to experience it while arsed-up on the finest cocktail of drugs money can buy, like most of the other competitors, was too hard to resist.”

Doherty has already pulled out of several of the stages of next year’s race, citing ‘Personal reasons. Mostly involving heroin.”

Martial Law Declared After Celebrity Relative Killed

“Dead Proles Is One Thing, But Enough’s Enough” Say MET

The war against knife crime was escalated yesterday as it was discovered that the latest youth to be murdered was related to somebody off the telly. In news that has rocked the nation’s capital to the very core of its soul of the heart of its being, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that Ben Kinsella, the victim of Sunday’s stabbing, came out of the same womb as somebody that’s been on Eastenders and everything.

“Being stabbed to death by a pack of feral, blank-eyed teenagers is a daily fact of life for anybody living in London” said Met spokesman Higson Ebbsfleet. “I don’t think any reasonable person is expecting us to do anything about that. We’re not supermen, after all.”

“But this latest senseless murder was just too close for comfort. If Mr Kinsella’s sister, who is friends with Linda Robson you know, had been walking along with him…well, it’s just too horrific to even think about.”

A London-wide curfew of 8pm is expected to be imposed by the end of the week, with anyone out after this time not in possession of an Equity card to be flung into a cage with a rabid gibbon.

“We must protect our nation’s famous people, and their relatives” continued Ebbsfleet. “And if that means providing a personal escort for every last one of them, then that’s what we’ll do. I think the public will agree that, while their own safety isn’t worth a fart in a lift, making sure that people that can sing or act or dance a bit never have to experience brutal, demoralising violence is our key priority.”

When asked whether any charges are being brought in the murders of Henry Bolombi or Sharmaake Hassan, Ebbsfleet stated “Never heard of them. But I’m afraid without a white-sounding name or a celebrity relative, there’s very little for the police to go on. Now, please be careful on your journey home because if something happens, let’s be honest, there’s fuck-all we’ll do about it.”