Sky News Flings Kittens Into Trees

“…And Finally” Item Shortage Blamed

Sky News face charges of false reporting today as evidence emerges that the broadcaster has been fabricating heartwarming fluff pieces for the end of their programs. Following the recent criticism levelled at the BBC for falsifying telephone poll results, Sky could be in for a torrid time from media watchdogs as they stand accused of “Wilfully and inaccurately presenting the UK as a country filled with amiable eccentrics and life-affirming incidents”

An ex-cameraman for Sky News has leaked footage showing presenter Anna Botting laughing hysterically as several kittens are tossed from their news helicopter into a larch tree outside Knutsford. Believing her microphone to be switched off, Botting can be heard to say “A tenner says the tabby one gets groundfucked.” The local fire brigade are understood to be considering legal action for timewasting as they spent two hours photogenically removing the distressed felines from the tree’s branches.

Other footage shows Sky staff nailing a terrier’s paws to a skateboard, bribing a small Oxfordshire village into cooking the world’s largest enchilada and threatening two pensioners, both aged over 100, with eviction from their care home if they refused to get married. The former Sky cameraman said “I used to dread coming into work. I’ve covered the civil war in Rwanda and the famine in the Sudan, but what these guys did to get their stories was obscene. When they asked me to pretend I was a quadriplegic learning to Riverdance, I quit on the spot.”

Sky News have been quick to denounce the former staff member’s claims, stating “The individual in question was fired after several instances of gross misconduct. He once referred to Rupert Murdoch as a ‘button-eyed shit factory’ and got into a fight with Eamonn Holmes after he’d implied that Mr Holmes was a charmless fat cunt. The last straw was when he arrived for work clearly inebriated, slapped his penis against Dermot Murnaghan’s cheek and roared “THERE’S your headline”. We cannot allow such behaviour and his contract was terminated as a result.”

Sky News refused to comment on the footage allegedly showing the broadcaster fabricating stories, but one insider conceded there may be some truth in the claims. “It’s getting harder each week to end the reports on a high note” said the unnamed source. “You want to leave the viewer with a smile on their face but the world’s turning into an episode of The Wire written by a manically-depressed misanthrope with a hangover. It’s just too horrible.”

Hollyoaks Failing To Meet Masturbatory Standards

Soap ‘Barely Raises A Doughy Semi’ Says Ofcom

Channel 4 faced further criticism yesterday when an Ofcom report accused the broadcaster of failing to meet its remit of onanistic fodder via the teen soap ‘Hollyoaks’. “We have noticed that the amount of large-breasted teenaged girls prancing about in their underwear for no dramatically-justified reason has been steadily falling since 2004” said Ofcom. “Channel 4 attempted to make amends with the introduction of late-night episodes of the soap but our staff were saddened to report that these episodes merely forced the viewer to watch another hour of barely-coherent guff for a brief glance of nip.”

Channel 4 has been quick to refute the accusation, stating “We stand firm in our commitment to producing challenging entertainment away from the mainstream. We also acknowledge that, since its inception, Channel 4 has been the broadcaster of choice for those requiring visual stimulus for self-pollution but have no access to pornography.”

“Channel 4 strongly believes that the makers of Hollyoaks continue to make engaging, well-written drama that gives the viewer something to get them up the runway whilst idly toying with their genitals of a Sunday afternoon. That tarty dark-haired one would make the mercury in a thermometer stiff, for a start.”

Hollyoaks started life in 1995 and initially served as an outlet for the increasing number of out-of-work models and failed children’s TV presenters in the industry. Early plot lines were basic and functional, written merely to give the ‘actors’ a reason for moving about on the screen and included characters going to the shops, painting a shed and counting matchsticks.

But when an episode featuring four female characters washing a car was aired, Hollyoaks’ format was set in stone. Channel 4 quickly realised they had a program that could fuel masturbatory fantasies without needing to be a subtitled Dutch film about turnips. Spurred on by their success, producers wrote further storylines featuring a student house constructed out of a bouncy castle, mutant bra-eating moths and an outbreak of slow-motion lesbianism.

However, chairman of the Hollyoaks fanclub, Eric Ebbsfleet, feels that the soap’s standards have slipped dramatically. “There was a time that I could crack a couple out before the first ad break” said Ebbsfleet. “But these days it’s full of emo kids, middle-aged shopkeepers and stories about mental illness. You’d have to be positively German to slap yourself happy over that.”

BBC To Cancel Comic Relief

Impartiality More Important Than Alleviating Suffering, Says Broadcaster

The BBC have announced that they will no longer be hosting the biennial Comic Relief fundraiser over concerns it may breach the channel’s impartiality clause. “While we appreciate that the show raises a lot of awareness about poverty, hunger and lack of education in developing countries, we cannot be seen to show any political bias” said a BBC person. “As many of the problems in the Third World tackled by Comic Relief are created by corrupt and violent political systems, we feel it is better to let them get on with it if it means we can continue to justify our incredibly well-remunerated positions at the BBC.”

“Nobody can deny that working to give the world’s young a decent education, basic medicine and drinking water that doesn’t look like a biology experiment is a good thing” the BBC continued “But impartiality is the key issue. While it may be acceptable to imply, via our sitcoms and dramas, that everyone in Britain is white, middle class and used to be in Grange Hill, it is not acceptable to imply, even tacitly, that barking mad generals spunking their country’s GDP on 400-foot-high bronze statues of themselves, rather than child health care, is a bad thing.”

But Ofcom have warned the BBC that they must continue to change in order to avoid claims of partiality. “Close monitoring of the BBC’s output still show worrying signs of bias” said Ofcom person Tenko Ebbsfleet. “We are concerned that their programs still show bias toward the view that Chris Moyles isn’t a horrifically useless gusset stain and the idea that anyone gives a gently marinated toss whether some glamour model is any good at limbo dancing, for instance.”

Comic Relief, which has raised hundreds of millions of pounds since its inception in 1985, will now be looking for a new broadcaster following the BBC ban. One insider said “Channel 5 have offered us a good deal, so long as we can work in some sketches about shark attacks or Nazis. Freddie Starr’s already been in touch.” While the charity is disappointed by the BBC’s decision, they do feel some good may come out of it.

“Like any charity, we should always be looking for new ways of raising revenue, and a move away from the BBC may help us do that. It will also mean we’ll no longer have Jonathan Ross hosting the thing, so we’ll avoid having to apologise when he offers to have sex with a starving octogenarian Ethiopian woman. And no Lenny Henry, let’s not forget that.”

Police Search For White Bath Tub On Wheels

“Battleaxe Of Hearts” Dies In Mysterious Circumstances

Police have launched a nationwide search for a white tin bath tub on wheels as early indications suggest that it was involved in the death of actress Kathy Staff, better known as Last Of The Summer Wine’s Nora Batty by people who remember watching the show when they were kids but haven’t seen an episode in years.

Ms Staff was admitted into Holmfirth A&E department late last night after her motorised scooter crashed in the Alan Bennett Underpass just outside Holmfirth. It is believed that Staff was still conscious after the collision but did not receive vital first aid.

Several as-yet-unidentified photographers, thought to be on a walking holiday of the Pennines, allegedly stopped to take pictures of the stricken actress (One commenting “It’s that one that used to be in that thing. Crossroads, wasn’t it?”) but did not attempt to give medical assistance.

West Yorkshire Police have issued an early chronology of Ms Staff’s final hours. “Kathy Staff left the Leeds Hilton accompanied by her care worker Henry Pallett at 1030pm” said Inspector Charles Ebbsfleet.

“Although CCTV footage shows Mr Pallett behaving in a composed manner, subsequent blood tests indicate he had consumed at least three halves of John Smiths. There were also traces of Sanatogen present. We cannot confirm whether this contributed to the fatal accident.”Ebbsfleet’s report then stated that Ms Staff’s motorscooter was pursued by autograph hunters along Dunford Road at speeds exceeding 6 mph before entering the Alan Bennett tunnel. A local resident has reported seeing bright flashes from the tunnel, possibly a Snappy Snaps disposable camera.

But police are most interested to hear from the drivers of a converted tin bath, painted white, seen leaving the tunnel at the time of the accident. “The drivers of this madcap vehicle need to contact us as soon as possible” said Ebbsfleet. A description of the drivers was released and police are looking for three white males, aged approximately 83, wearing tweed.

The internet is already alive with conspiracy theories into Staff’s death, but the most popular points the finger at the highest reaches of the establishment. This theory claims that senior managers within the BBC wanted Staff dead after hearing rumours she intended to marry Arthur Knutsford, a woman’s outfitter from Huddersfield. “The BBC could not allow Nora Batty to wed a man who had access to properly-fitted hosiery. Thirty years of tradition would crumble if she were seen with unwrinkled stockings. So they killed our Kathy.”

The Holmfirth Tea Room has opened a book of condolence and upwards of six floral tributes have already been laid outside.

Britain Votes For New Supermarket Opener

“A Whole World Of Cruise Ships Awaits” Says Cowell

Tomorrow will see the much-anticipated finale of X Factor 2008, in which 3 acts will vie for the crown of “Person Who’s Not Bad At Singing Somebody Else’s Songs” 2008.

The show started way back in January as the X Factor team trawled the country for the potential Next Big Thing alongside several hundred thousand deluded retards who could barely read the waiver form they dragged their thumbprint across.

Millions of viewers leaned forward in their seats, anticipating yet another moon-faced dullard keening their way through Celine Dion, then blinking with incomprehension as the quartet of life’s lottery winners fired scorn at their ludicrously overambitious aspirations.

An estimated 4,500 gallons of hot, chip-scented tears have been wept by rejected candidates as they galumphed out of the auditions, their slack-faced brood of family & friends swarming around them like a locust storm of tragedy, while they muttered incoherent threats over their pale, flabby shoulders at the judges.

Eventually the wheat was sorted from the genetic and societal chaff and twelve finalists were picked on the basis of talent, attitude and ability to be impressed with the prospect of meeting Mariah Carey. The faint stool of hope was then kicked from under the feet of nine more contestants each week, leaving them dangling on the noose of thwarted ambition for some compelling television. This resulted in tomorrow night’s three finalists, who are:

Alexandra Burke: The Woolworths Whitney Houston has impressed the public by being able to sing so loudly the picture frames in their living rooms rattle even when the television is switched off. Easily-impressed viewers have mistaken this for vocal range and have backed her all the way through to Saturday’s show. Her nondescript good looks and bland affability might just be enough to pass for star quality and see her win through.

JLS: What would have happened if Boyz II Men never rehearsed, JLS have graced the competition with their vaguely-approximate harmony singing and innovative image, with each band member having their own ‘signature colour’. “If only the Beatles had assigned a colour to each band member” twittered JLS mentor Louis Walsh from atop a pile of Lucky Charms “They could have really hit the big time.”

Eoghan Quigg: The puffy-faced anagram and singing foetus has won the nation’s affections by attaining an almost zen level of mediocrity. Nipple-trousered mentor Simon Cowell has claimed his protégé’s dedication to bland neutrality has greatly impressed him. “Eoe…Oweee…the lad’s ability to be not especially noticeable in every facet of his existence is incredible” said Cowell. “Normally boys his age will be remarkable or distinctive in some manner – acne, piercings, spontaneous, unwanted erections. But he’s so astoundingly nothing, I’ve found myself forgetting who it is I’m speaking to halfway through a conversation with him.”

The winner of tomorrow’s final will have their version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” released as a single, with most of the proceeds used to file restraining orders against irate Cohen fans intent on throttling whomever the singer may be. As an interesting side-note, production of the single will be carbon-neutral as the pressing plant will be powered from a dynamo attached to Jeff Buckley’s spinning corpse.

Britain Headed For Perspective Crisis

‘Sense Of Actual Importance’ Lowest Since 1920s

As John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing and Timmy Mallett joined the cast of I’m A Celebrity…, Great Britain is poised to suffer its greatest lack of perspective in eighty years, according to one leading sociologist. “If things carry on at this rate, by April of next year most of Britain will be reduced to a gibbering wreck if Darren’s affair is discovered on ‘Hollyoaks’” said Ellroy Ebbsfleet, professor of Socio-Economic Neurophilosophy at Knutsford Community College.

His report comes after vast swathes of the public keened themselves into a seething fury after a man who wasn’t very good at doing something was repeatedly told he wasn’t very good at doing it, on a show that made him try to do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing. As a result, he stopped doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing despite many people enjoying watching him do the thing he wasn’t very good at doing.

“I’m disgusted, this is worse than when my daughter was murdered” said ‘Strictly’ fan and mother of six Elsie Wretched. “I’ve been topping up my mobile credit every six hours to keep voting for him and then what does he do? He clears off. He should be strung up for such a betrayal, he’s no better than a paedophile. An immigrant paedophile, at that.” she gibbered.

The BBC has promised to refund all phone charges to people who voted for the man doing the thing he wasn’t very good at doing, of their own free will. It is expected they will affix a cannon full of pound coins to a Securicor van and speed it through several major council estates, firing high-speed financial shrapnel at the slavering mob following the vehicle and hooting.

Meanwhile another broadcaster of people going camping abroad has incensed viewers free to do anything else this glittering and endlessly enthralling globe has to offer by adding another camper who used to be annoying on another show they were perfectly at liberty not to watch. “When I first saw Mallett’s face appear on my screen, I tried to punch him repeatedly” said ‘Celebrity’ fan Mick Pancreas. “But I just ended up with hot shards of glass in my face. I’ll be sending the bill to ITV, don’t you worry. I haven’t been this upset since Diana died.”

Ebbsfleet fears that these reactions are typical and that Britain is heading into a meltdown of giving a fuck about things worth giving a fuck about. “We haven’t seen a crisis like this since the 1920s” he confirmed. “While the dark clouds of Fascism and National Socialism were hovering over Europe, most of Britain was getting into heated debates over who would win in a fight between Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd.”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show

“Parents? Dead? Dead Parents?” New Catchphrase

Following the success of last night’s “Britain’s Got The Pop Factor”, Peter Kay’s next mockumentary is believed to be an hysterical send-up on the plight of war orphans called “Who’s Your Daddy? And Does He Dance Like This At Weddings?”. The show will feature Britain’s best-loved parental Christmas gift idea as Stan Hubris, an inept charity worker sent to a Rwandan orphanage with hilarious results.

“Peter’s comedy as all about inclusiveness” said Kay’s press officer Chorley Ebbsfleet. “Whether he’s laughing at the disableds or the funny way Chinese people talk, there’s no victims in his comedy. If you don’t include the people who bought that last live DVD of his that didn’t feature any new jokes, of course.”

“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people with lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.”

Speaking from the offices of his production company, whose logo is a hand being bitten by a mouth it’s trying to feed, Ebbsfleet gave a few hints as to what Kay’s legion of fans can expect to mindlessly keen in front of next year. “Peter’s this really stupid bloke, right, and he’s got a mate who’s even more stupid! They’re sent to work in Rwanda, so there’s lots of scope for culture clash comedy – why they don’t serve Panda Pops and the like – and the show finishes with Peter singing “Two Little Boys” to a row of quadriplegic sad kids. We expect to get the single out before Christmas, of course. We’re not stupid.”

Kay himself was unavailable for a full interview, but did say to reporters “Diminishing? Returns? Returns that diminish?”

“How Do You Want Threatening?” Asks BBC

TV Licensing To Poll Whether Death Squads Necessary

The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting “Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover” in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Simeon Ebbsfleet, chief consultant with ‘Yah?!', the media public relations company, has been asked to set up talks with license payers about the BBC’s current TV License advertising campaign. “With the last campaign, there was a definite 22% downswing amongst A, AB & AB1 sectors in positive feedback.” said Simeon in an attempt to make his job sound like proper science rather than the pseudo-shite it actually is.

The recent advertising campaign, which featured slogans such as “Dream About Fools & Horses And We Can Demand £140” and “£140 NOW Or I will Fuck You Up, Boy.” were seen by many as being intimidatory. Yah?! is expected to advise the BBC to take a more placatory tone in future campaigns. “Ultimately, the BBC get their money or people go to jail, but we’d advise them to imply the public had a choice, as it makes them feel better” said Simeon.

The agency have proposed new campaign slogans such as “£140 As Soon As You Can, Please. We’ll Just Sit Here With Your Nan While We Wait.” and “Your License Can Be Paid In Easy Monthly Instalments. Just Like A BUPA Operation For Split Kneecaps.”

“Ultimately, we want people to see that their license fee is a small amount to pay for hours of quality programming” said BBC person Winston Knutsford at today’s press conference. “Do you know how much one license buys? Three weeks’ worth of tissues for Jonathan Ross, that’s what. We’re patient people at the BBC – public school will do that for you – but ultimately there’s a limit. If we don’t see a cheque for £140 from every household in Britain winging its way to us by next Friday, it’s going to be dawn raids by masked, armed gunmen I’m afraid.”

An OFCOM spokesman, who did not wish to be named, said “I’d rather owe money to a crumbling Columbian drugs cartel than those fuckers at Portland Place. Seriously, don’t come crying to us. Just meet their demands and your family will be fine. It’s just easier.”

When OFCOM’s statement was read to Winston Knutsford, he replied “Anonymous? My old grannies cunt. I know who does their press statements and our database is very very precise, believe me. I think the boys need to pay him a visit. Thanks for tipping us off. Now if there’s nothing else, kindly piss off before I charge you another £140 for the use of my carpet, you fucking peasant.”

T4 Presenter Fired For Sincerity

'Professionalism & Dignity' Also Cited

Following mounting pressure from T4 viewers - a disparate band of hungover thirtysomethings, pill-ridden twentysomethings and morbidly masturbating teenagers – Channel 4 have fired presenter Jez Ebbsfleet.

Although the broadcaster would not confirm the reasons for Ebbsfleet’s departure, an inside source suggests it was Ebbsfleet’s “Repeated insistence on showing genuine, heartfelt emotion in front of camera and his refusal to display faux enthusiasm toward whatever bulimic Hollywood child star was sat on the couch to promote their wretched wares.”

Ebbsfleet first caught the public’s eye on T4 for dressing like a normal human being, rather than looking like an elephant had just shat out the contents of Hoxton’s branch of Oxfam into a pair of Converse trainers. His hairstyle also raised eyebrows, mainly for being the kind of cut that wouldn’t get your average hairdresser fucking chinned.

But Ebbsfleet soon came into conflict with the show’s producer’s for “Not introducing yet another repeat of ‘Friends’ like he was doing the nation an enormous favour.” His diction also came under fire, as “He would not affect a drawling, bone-idle accent that his colleagues had perfected after years of hoovering gak in some godawful nightspot while a random Geldof played her frigging ipod over the main speakers.”

The final straw came during last week’s episode of T4. Asked to interview Al Pacino, Ebbsfleet allegedly studied several of the actor’s major works, re-read the main texts on american cinema and prepared questions asking Pacino how modern filmmaking compared with the maverick spirit of the 1970s.

The unnamed source revealed “The producers hit the fucking roof. How was Ebbsfleet supposed to yawningly sneer at Pacino with preparation like that? And contrary to T4’s editorial policy, his questions were pertinent, respectful of a genuine talent and likely to elicit interesting responses. He’d completely ignored orders to do a terrible ‘Scent Of A Woman’ impression too.”

Channel 4 would only confirm that Ebbsfleet was no longer working on T4 and again refused to give reasons for his departure. But the unnamed insider was convinced of the reasons. “Channel 4 can bang on about artistic differences, temporary contracts or ‘other projects’. But the truth of the matter is that Jez Ebbsfleet was sacked from T4 because he wasn’t an utter, festering fucking cunt.”

Television Complaints Hit New Heights

Ofcom Inundated By 'Whole Evening Of Shite' Complaints


A spokesman for the TV watchdog Ofcom confirmed today that the number of complaints from irate viewers after last Saturday night's schedule of repeats, reality tv shows and soaps were 'unprecedented'.
"It's like an avalanche of hungry babies hitting a silage plant" he said. "We've turned the phones off but that's not stopped people throwing notes through the windows wrapped around frozen lumps of shit. As I speak, somebody has trained a kestrel to hover outside our office with the word 'wankers' painted on its wings."
It is understood that a combination of events led to the record level of televisual dissatisfaction. Media expert Duwayne Ebbsfleet stated "The BBC sent a license fee reminder the same day as Sky sent their bill out. This alone would be enough to push most viewers to the edge. But when ITV showed a jumped-up karaoke night followed by Parkinson interviewing Billy Connolly for the umpteenth fucking time, their anger reached critical point."
"It was awful" sobbed one viewer, who wished to remain anonymous. "I kept pushing the channel change button over and over again, but all that happened was a collage of Clarkson, 'Friends' repeats and Argos adverts."
ITV have admitted there were some 'technical difficulties' during Saturday's broadcast. "The Commissioning Head Of ITV is under a lot of pressure and unfortunately this sustained pressure caused his bottle to go completely. We are reviewing our contingency plans for when this occurs but until that's in place, a complete bottling out of ITV to produce anything original, entertaining or challenging will mean more weekend schedules of unremitting cock."