Sky News Flings Kittens Into Trees

“…And Finally” Item Shortage Blamed

Sky News face charges of false reporting today as evidence emerges that the broadcaster has been fabricating heartwarming fluff pieces for the end of their programs. Following the recent criticism levelled at the BBC for falsifying telephone poll results, Sky could be in for a torrid time from media watchdogs as they stand accused of “Wilfully and inaccurately presenting the UK as a country filled with amiable eccentrics and life-affirming incidents”

An ex-cameraman for Sky News has leaked footage showing presenter Anna Botting laughing hysterically as several kittens are tossed from their news helicopter into a larch tree outside Knutsford. Believing her microphone to be switched off, Botting can be heard to say “A tenner says the tabby one gets groundfucked.” The local fire brigade are understood to be considering legal action for timewasting as they spent two hours photogenically removing the distressed felines from the tree’s branches.

Other footage shows Sky staff nailing a terrier’s paws to a skateboard, bribing a small Oxfordshire village into cooking the world’s largest enchilada and threatening two pensioners, both aged over 100, with eviction from their care home if they refused to get married. The former Sky cameraman said “I used to dread coming into work. I’ve covered the civil war in Rwanda and the famine in the Sudan, but what these guys did to get their stories was obscene. When they asked me to pretend I was a quadriplegic learning to Riverdance, I quit on the spot.”

Sky News have been quick to denounce the former staff member’s claims, stating “The individual in question was fired after several instances of gross misconduct. He once referred to Rupert Murdoch as a ‘button-eyed shit factory’ and got into a fight with Eamonn Holmes after he’d implied that Mr Holmes was a charmless fat cunt. The last straw was when he arrived for work clearly inebriated, slapped his penis against Dermot Murnaghan’s cheek and roared “THERE’S your headline”. We cannot allow such behaviour and his contract was terminated as a result.”

Sky News refused to comment on the footage allegedly showing the broadcaster fabricating stories, but one insider conceded there may be some truth in the claims. “It’s getting harder each week to end the reports on a high note” said the unnamed source. “You want to leave the viewer with a smile on their face but the world’s turning into an episode of The Wire written by a manically-depressed misanthrope with a hangover. It’s just too horrible.”

Hollyoaks Failing To Meet Masturbatory Standards

Soap ‘Barely Raises A Doughy Semi’ Says Ofcom

Channel 4 faced further criticism yesterday when an Ofcom report accused the broadcaster of failing to meet its remit of onanistic fodder via the teen soap ‘Hollyoaks’. “We have noticed that the amount of large-breasted teenaged girls prancing about in their underwear for no dramatically-justified reason has been steadily falling since 2004” said Ofcom. “Channel 4 attempted to make amends with the introduction of late-night episodes of the soap but our staff were saddened to report that these episodes merely forced the viewer to watch another hour of barely-coherent guff for a brief glance of nip.”

Channel 4 has been quick to refute the accusation, stating “We stand firm in our commitment to producing challenging entertainment away from the mainstream. We also acknowledge that, since its inception, Channel 4 has been the broadcaster of choice for those requiring visual stimulus for self-pollution but have no access to pornography.”

“Channel 4 strongly believes that the makers of Hollyoaks continue to make engaging, well-written drama that gives the viewer something to get them up the runway whilst idly toying with their genitals of a Sunday afternoon. That tarty dark-haired one would make the mercury in a thermometer stiff, for a start.”

Hollyoaks started life in 1995 and initially served as an outlet for the increasing number of out-of-work models and failed children’s TV presenters in the industry. Early plot lines were basic and functional, written merely to give the ‘actors’ a reason for moving about on the screen and included characters going to the shops, painting a shed and counting matchsticks.

But when an episode featuring four female characters washing a car was aired, Hollyoaks’ format was set in stone. Channel 4 quickly realised they had a program that could fuel masturbatory fantasies without needing to be a subtitled Dutch film about turnips. Spurred on by their success, producers wrote further storylines featuring a student house constructed out of a bouncy castle, mutant bra-eating moths and an outbreak of slow-motion lesbianism.

However, chairman of the Hollyoaks fanclub, Eric Ebbsfleet, feels that the soap’s standards have slipped dramatically. “There was a time that I could crack a couple out before the first ad break” said Ebbsfleet. “But these days it’s full of emo kids, middle-aged shopkeepers and stories about mental illness. You’d have to be positively German to slap yourself happy over that.”

BBC To Cancel Comic Relief

Impartiality More Important Than Alleviating Suffering, Says Broadcaster

The BBC have announced that they will no longer be hosting the biennial Comic Relief fundraiser over concerns it may breach the channel’s impartiality clause. “While we appreciate that the show raises a lot of awareness about poverty, hunger and lack of education in developing countries, we cannot be seen to show any political bias” said a BBC person. “As many of the problems in the Third World tackled by Comic Relief are created by corrupt and violent political systems, we feel it is better to let them get on with it if it means we can continue to justify our incredibly well-remunerated positions at the BBC.”

“Nobody can deny that working to give the world’s young a decent education, basic medicine and drinking water that doesn’t look like a biology experiment is a good thing” the BBC continued “But impartiality is the key issue. While it may be acceptable to imply, via our sitcoms and dramas, that everyone in Britain is white, middle class and used to be in Grange Hill, it is not acceptable to imply, even tacitly, that barking mad generals spunking their country’s GDP on 400-foot-high bronze statues of themselves, rather than child health care, is a bad thing.”

But Ofcom have warned the BBC that they must continue to change in order to avoid claims of partiality. “Close monitoring of the BBC’s output still show worrying signs of bias” said Ofcom person Tenko Ebbsfleet. “We are concerned that their programs still show bias toward the view that Chris Moyles isn’t a horrifically useless gusset stain and the idea that anyone gives a gently marinated toss whether some glamour model is any good at limbo dancing, for instance.”

Comic Relief, which has raised hundreds of millions of pounds since its inception in 1985, will now be looking for a new broadcaster following the BBC ban. One insider said “Channel 5 have offered us a good deal, so long as we can work in some sketches about shark attacks or Nazis. Freddie Starr’s already been in touch.” While the charity is disappointed by the BBC’s decision, they do feel some good may come out of it.

“Like any charity, we should always be looking for new ways of raising revenue, and a move away from the BBC may help us do that. It will also mean we’ll no longer have Jonathan Ross hosting the thing, so we’ll avoid having to apologise when he offers to have sex with a starving octogenarian Ethiopian woman. And no Lenny Henry, let’s not forget that.”

“How Do You Want Threatening?” Asks BBC

TV Licensing To Poll Whether Death Squads Necessary

The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting “Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover” in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Simeon Ebbsfleet, chief consultant with ‘Yah?!', the media public relations company, has been asked to set up talks with license payers about the BBC’s current TV License advertising campaign. “With the last campaign, there was a definite 22% downswing amongst A, AB & AB1 sectors in positive feedback.” said Simeon in an attempt to make his job sound like proper science rather than the pseudo-shite it actually is.

The recent advertising campaign, which featured slogans such as “Dream About Fools & Horses And We Can Demand £140” and “£140 NOW Or I will Fuck You Up, Boy.” were seen by many as being intimidatory. Yah?! is expected to advise the BBC to take a more placatory tone in future campaigns. “Ultimately, the BBC get their money or people go to jail, but we’d advise them to imply the public had a choice, as it makes them feel better” said Simeon.

The agency have proposed new campaign slogans such as “£140 As Soon As You Can, Please. We’ll Just Sit Here With Your Nan While We Wait.” and “Your License Can Be Paid In Easy Monthly Instalments. Just Like A BUPA Operation For Split Kneecaps.”

“Ultimately, we want people to see that their license fee is a small amount to pay for hours of quality programming” said BBC person Winston Knutsford at today’s press conference. “Do you know how much one license buys? Three weeks’ worth of tissues for Jonathan Ross, that’s what. We’re patient people at the BBC – public school will do that for you – but ultimately there’s a limit. If we don’t see a cheque for £140 from every household in Britain winging its way to us by next Friday, it’s going to be dawn raids by masked, armed gunmen I’m afraid.”

An OFCOM spokesman, who did not wish to be named, said “I’d rather owe money to a crumbling Columbian drugs cartel than those fuckers at Portland Place. Seriously, don’t come crying to us. Just meet their demands and your family will be fine. It’s just easier.”

When OFCOM’s statement was read to Winston Knutsford, he replied “Anonymous? My old grannies cunt. I know who does their press statements and our database is very very precise, believe me. I think the boys need to pay him a visit. Thanks for tipping us off. Now if there’s nothing else, kindly piss off before I charge you another £140 for the use of my carpet, you fucking peasant.”

Television Complaints Hit New Heights

Ofcom Inundated By 'Whole Evening Of Shite' Complaints


A spokesman for the TV watchdog Ofcom confirmed today that the number of complaints from irate viewers after last Saturday night's schedule of repeats, reality tv shows and soaps were 'unprecedented'.
"It's like an avalanche of hungry babies hitting a silage plant" he said. "We've turned the phones off but that's not stopped people throwing notes through the windows wrapped around frozen lumps of shit. As I speak, somebody has trained a kestrel to hover outside our office with the word 'wankers' painted on its wings."
It is understood that a combination of events led to the record level of televisual dissatisfaction. Media expert Duwayne Ebbsfleet stated "The BBC sent a license fee reminder the same day as Sky sent their bill out. This alone would be enough to push most viewers to the edge. But when ITV showed a jumped-up karaoke night followed by Parkinson interviewing Billy Connolly for the umpteenth fucking time, their anger reached critical point."
"It was awful" sobbed one viewer, who wished to remain anonymous. "I kept pushing the channel change button over and over again, but all that happened was a collage of Clarkson, 'Friends' repeats and Argos adverts."
ITV have admitted there were some 'technical difficulties' during Saturday's broadcast. "The Commissioning Head Of ITV is under a lot of pressure and unfortunately this sustained pressure caused his bottle to go completely. We are reviewing our contingency plans for when this occurs but until that's in place, a complete bottling out of ITV to produce anything original, entertaining or challenging will mean more weekend schedules of unremitting cock."