David Dimbleby To Host MTV Awards

“Double D Shouts Out To All His Niggas” Says Broadcaster

After Will Young was invited to appear on BBC’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has been named as the presenter for this year’s European MTV Awards. During the show, the 69-year-old is expected to sing a specially-written duet with Snoop Dogg entitled “Suck My PPE Degree, Bizzle.”

It is the first time the political correspondent has appeared at the MTV awards ceremony and his agent said Dimbleby is “Very excited at the opprtunity to quiz The Kooks on their views on overseas development, question The Jonas Brothers on middle-east affairs and get a really good look at Girls Alouds’ rabbits up close.”

The move was sparked after housewives’ favourite singing chin Will Young was invited as a guest on Question Time by producer Gill Penlington. Young stated he was a fan of the show during an interview for Radio 5. “I started screaming and running around the house as soon as I heard” said Penlington.

“I’ve thought he was well lush since he was on Pop Idol and I voted for him 27 times so that skanky Gareth Gates wouldn’t win. He looks like a clockwork hedgehog and I hate him. I called all my mates and told them what he’d said and they were dead jealous. Kirsty Wark reckoned I was lying but that’s just ‘cos everyone found out about the time David Miliband fingered her in the conference room at Chequers.”

Young is set to appear on Question Time in December, alongside Shami Chakrabarti, Will Self, John Sergeant and Duffy. Meanwhile, MTV producers are trumpeting Dimbleby’s participation as “A real coup for the music channel. We want to show that pop music deserves the same pomp and gravitas given to other art forms such as classical music and opera. An experienced hand like Dimbleby will certainly bring that to the show as he announces such awards as “Best Hotpants In A Video”, “Best Use Of The Phrase ‘Da Club’” and “Outstanding Achievement In Pissing On A 14-Year-Old”.

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Brand Apologises For Hoax

Following a warning from the police, Russell Brand has apologised for an onstage hoax in Northampton in which he impersonated a comedian. “Verily, me very heart bleeds for the coppers what had to listen to me natter” said Brand in a needlessly verbose press statement earlier today. “Cut me very dinkle off guvnor if it should happen again. I was only ‘aving a little jape at the knave what’s been sexually assaulting the ladies, ‘cos obviously that’s really funny.”

A spokesman for Northampton Police said “Impersonating a comedian with intent to defraud is a serious matter. If in doubt, the public should listen very carefully to the utterances of somebody claiming to be a comedian. Trading standards take a very dim view of this and our colleagues in America are currently investigating a multi-million dollar scam perpetrated by a chap calling himself Dane Cook.”


Cameron Asks Obama To Have A Go At The Chinese Next

Following his support for Barack Obama’s speech urging absentee black fathers to play a greater role in family life, David Cameron has asked the US presidential candidate whether he can “Take the piss out of the chinks next. Maybe something about their accents. I’ve always wanted to have a pop at them, but fuck that for a game of electoral cricket. I’d get lynched. Sorry, no offence.”

Cameron is to set off on a worldwide tour visiting various heads of state, hoping they will also give him license to spread his vile bigoted filth. “He’s really hoping President Singh of India will say something about smelling of curry.” said Tory person Haughley Ebbsfleet-Ffinch. “He’s always wanted to wobble his head and go ‘bud-bud-bud’ in parliament and with the help of the Indian president, he might still get the chance.”

Boris Johnson has criticised Cameron’s tour, saying “Seems an awful lot of bother to me. When I want to call ‘em pickaninnies, I damn well do. I don’t need the permission of some feller in Umbo Bogo land.”



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Call Me ‘Patrick Bateman’ Says Cameron

Tory Gaff In Literary One-Upmanship

Following Gordon Brown’s revelation that he compares himself to Heathcliff, Emily Bronte’s vindictive, embittered and violent wifebeater in Wuthering Heights, David Cameron has upped the stakes by stating that in all shadow cabinet meetings, MPs must call him Patrick Bateman after the psychopathic central character in Brett Easton Ellis’ largely boring “American Psycho”.

Brown has since admitted that his comparison to Heathcliff was based solely on hearing Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights’ on Smooth FM several weeks ago. “See that Kate Bush? She’s a bonny wee ride and in the song she’s awfy keen on this Heathcliff punter. So I says I want to be like him, so’s I can gerra feel up o’ her. I sometimes like to call maself Ken so’s that skinny Barbie Girl burd from ‘Aqua’ might gie us a call.”

Nevertheless, Cameron feels that the links between him and the sexually violent Bateman are plain to see. “We both come from privileged backgrounds. We both take a lot of time on our appearance. In the book he’s always listing what labels he’s wearing, and I always ensure my labels are tucked in. We’re both movers and shakers in the economy. Granted, he makes millions of dollars on the stock exchange and I just tell Labour that their taxation policy is bobbins, but there’s still a similarity.”

Cameron went on to list their shared taste in Huey Lewis and Genesis and their love of fine dining. “Really, we’re like two peas in a rightwing pod.” The press conference was cut short, however, when Cameron started on a graphic story involving him, two crack whores and a hungry rat. Tory spokesperson Ffinchley Ebbsfleet said “Mr Cameron is very tired after a long week of telling everybody who’ll listen he’s going to be running the country soon. His statements, as usual, must not be taken seriously.”

In a smaller press conference held in Knutsford Central Library, Liberal Democrat leader Nick thingumybob outlined the parallels between himself and Catch 22’s Major Major Major Major: “Both of us have been promoted, very quickly, way beyond our abilities and nobody wants anything to do with us. Furthermo…hello? Hello?”