News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily


Brand Apologises For Hoax

Following a warning from the police, Russell Brand has apologised for an onstage hoax in Northampton in which he impersonated a comedian. “Verily, me very heart bleeds for the coppers what had to listen to me natter” said Brand in a needlessly verbose press statement earlier today. “Cut me very dinkle off guvnor if it should happen again. I was only ‘aving a little jape at the knave what’s been sexually assaulting the ladies, ‘cos obviously that’s really funny.”

A spokesman for Northampton Police said “Impersonating a comedian with intent to defraud is a serious matter. If in doubt, the public should listen very carefully to the utterances of somebody claiming to be a comedian. Trading standards take a very dim view of this and our colleagues in America are currently investigating a multi-million dollar scam perpetrated by a chap calling himself Dane Cook.”


Cameron Asks Obama To Have A Go At The Chinese Next

Following his support for Barack Obama’s speech urging absentee black fathers to play a greater role in family life, David Cameron has asked the US presidential candidate whether he can “Take the piss out of the chinks next. Maybe something about their accents. I’ve always wanted to have a pop at them, but fuck that for a game of electoral cricket. I’d get lynched. Sorry, no offence.”

Cameron is to set off on a worldwide tour visiting various heads of state, hoping they will also give him license to spread his vile bigoted filth. “He’s really hoping President Singh of India will say something about smelling of curry.” said Tory person Haughley Ebbsfleet-Ffinch. “He’s always wanted to wobble his head and go ‘bud-bud-bud’ in parliament and with the help of the Indian president, he might still get the chance.”

Boris Johnson has criticised Cameron’s tour, saying “Seems an awful lot of bother to me. When I want to call ‘em pickaninnies, I damn well do. I don’t need the permission of some feller in Umbo Bogo land.”



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Australian PM Apologises To The World For Russell Crowe

"The Pretentious Drunken Frowning Must Stop" Says PM

In a dignified and moving ceremony in Canberra last night, Australian PM Kevin Rudd apologised for the ‘Pain, suffering and grief” caused to the world by Russell Crowe.

“To the generations that have suffered mediocre films, we say sorry. To the film producers and TV execs that have endured childish tantrums, we say sorry. To anybody that has had to endure that woeful band he plays in, we say sorry.”

Rudd’s speech was seen as the first step toward reconciliation with the world’s cinema-lovers. Several years ago, former PM John Howard controversially refused to apologise for Russell Crowe stating “LA Confidential wasn’t bad.” Rudd, however, acknowledged that “While ‘Gladiator’ and indeed ‘LA Confidential’ were good films, this can in no way mitigate ‘Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts”.

The PM has drafted a bill outlawing further emissions from Crowe’s pub band, as well as stringent controls on future musical ventures from all Australian actors “To prevent this terrible tragedy from happening again”. Under new guidelines, said Rudd, other atrocities such as Nicole Kidman’s duet with Robbie Williams might have been averted.

In front of a massed crowd bearing banners such as ‘Romper Stomper Was Actually Shit’ and ‘Cinderella Man – What The Fuck?’ Rudd continued “While I stand before you today to apologise for allowing Crowe to proliferate, I do not feel that this is the time for recriminations. Guy Pearce and that feller who played Jim Robinson in ‘Neighbours’ have shown that the system can work but we must be vigilant. After the whole Paul Hogan disaster, we were perhaps complacent that this could never happen again in our lifetime.”

Rudd ruled out the possibility of financial reparations, but has agreed in principal to a DVD amnesty to purge Australia of Crowe’s outpourings. Work has already begun on a ‘Master & Commander’ landfill site. Rudd has also mooted a restorative justice program, whereby any journalist, runner or director affected by Crowe will be flown to Australia and be allowed to punch Shane Warne in the face.