Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney

“A Great Day For Ignoring The Facts” Says Pontiff


Pope Benedict XVI kicked off World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

The ceremony started with a traditional welcoming dance from Australian Aborigines, which the Pope remarked as being “Utterly charming. Lovely. Thank you so much. You’re all pagans and you’re going to burn for eternity, obviously, but thanks all the same.” He then asked a passing Cardinal “I thought we had all this lot shot years ago?”

Benedict (“Call me Benny” he implored the crowd at one point) called the congregation of unlovable virgins “Pilgrims of peace”, adding “The Catholic Church completely opposes all forms of armed conflict. Just look at our stance during World War II. Did a proper bodyswerve on that one, I can tell you.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd then launched into a searingly insightful attack on rationalists who oppose the Church. "Some say there is no place for faith in the 21st century, I say they are wrong. Some say that faith is the enemy of reason, I say also they are wrong," A passing Richard Dawkins was heard to remark “Well, there’s no arguing with logic like that. Put me right in my place, he has. That’s my career proper fucked, isn’t it?”

The gathering is due to last six days, to reflect the six days God took to make the entire universe. “Let’s see those so-called ‘scientists’ have a 4,000 billion year event, eh?” chuckled Pope Benedict. He has also embraced new technology, sending inspirational text messages each day, such as “Gd is gr8”, “JC4U” & “Abrt & u go2 hell”

One local resident, Galah Ebbsfleet, was less pleased with the Papal visit, however, remarking “Flamin’ pontiffs!” before going to work in his local caravan park.

Australian PM Apologises To The World For Russell Crowe

"The Pretentious Drunken Frowning Must Stop" Says PM

In a dignified and moving ceremony in Canberra last night, Australian PM Kevin Rudd apologised for the ‘Pain, suffering and grief” caused to the world by Russell Crowe.

“To the generations that have suffered mediocre films, we say sorry. To the film producers and TV execs that have endured childish tantrums, we say sorry. To anybody that has had to endure that woeful band he plays in, we say sorry.”

Rudd’s speech was seen as the first step toward reconciliation with the world’s cinema-lovers. Several years ago, former PM John Howard controversially refused to apologise for Russell Crowe stating “LA Confidential wasn’t bad.” Rudd, however, acknowledged that “While ‘Gladiator’ and indeed ‘LA Confidential’ were good films, this can in no way mitigate ‘Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts”.

The PM has drafted a bill outlawing further emissions from Crowe’s pub band, as well as stringent controls on future musical ventures from all Australian actors “To prevent this terrible tragedy from happening again”. Under new guidelines, said Rudd, other atrocities such as Nicole Kidman’s duet with Robbie Williams might have been averted.

In front of a massed crowd bearing banners such as ‘Romper Stomper Was Actually Shit’ and ‘Cinderella Man – What The Fuck?’ Rudd continued “While I stand before you today to apologise for allowing Crowe to proliferate, I do not feel that this is the time for recriminations. Guy Pearce and that feller who played Jim Robinson in ‘Neighbours’ have shown that the system can work but we must be vigilant. After the whole Paul Hogan disaster, we were perhaps complacent that this could never happen again in our lifetime.”

Rudd ruled out the possibility of financial reparations, but has agreed in principal to a DVD amnesty to purge Australia of Crowe’s outpourings. Work has already begun on a ‘Master & Commander’ landfill site. Rudd has also mooted a restorative justice program, whereby any journalist, runner or director affected by Crowe will be flown to Australia and be allowed to punch Shane Warne in the face.