City Move To Sign Obama As Manager

Hughes To Be Replaced By Leader Of The Free World

Following yesterday’s inauguration ceremony, Barack Obama’s first responsibility will be to consider a £500M bid from increasingly-ludicrous football team Manchester City to replace Mark Hughes as manager. City representatives look set to fly out to Washington today to woo the US president into taking over the day-to-day running of the Eastlands outfit.

“We think this offer is too good for Obama to refuse” stated City Executive Chairman Gary Cook. “We’ve got half a billion large waiting for him in a Swiss bank account if he signs the contract. We’ve worked out a compensation package for the American nation to hold another election, but in Vice President Joe Biden they’ve got a ready-made replacement to take over the country. I also understand that Joe Royle has expressed an interest.”

Cook was apparently convinced of Obama’s suitability to the role after watching coverage of Obama’s inauguration on Sky News. “When I saw that two million people had turned up to watch the ceremony, I thought “We could do with crowds like that at our place”. Imagine it – two million people crammed in to watch us play FC Copenhagen in February. That would make Ferguson’s nose explode, wouldn’t it?”

City’s move for Obama has been supported by impotent World Cup-winning rentaquote Pele, who famously once stated “In my lifetime, I predict an African-American will win the League Cup”. The Abu Dhabi Group, City’s wealthy backers, have also endorsed the bid, stating “We could buy your whole country and fire it at Jupiter if we so chose, so do not question our decisions.”

Pundits are divided over whether the bid will be successful, with Alan Hansen particularly sceptical. “It’s an absolutely shocking decision” said the dour Captain Scarlet doppelganger. “Right now they need a gaffer that can get the team working as a unit, shore up the defence and push them up the league. Rather than an ambitious ex-congressman who has consistently campaigned on a platform of social change and cautiously progressive liberalism.”

Trevor Brooking stated “Well, ermm, errr, the lad’s not got much experience of top-flight football management, has he? But it would certainly be a big name signing and he might improve City’s performance when it comes to converting crosses. Like when I scored with that header in the 1980 cup final. I didn’t score many with me head, as you know…”

One Obama insider has expressed doubts that the president will move to Manchester, however. “Barack has accepted the challenge to overhaul US finance, build bridges with the international community and heal deep social divisions in America. But I think getting a decent performance out of the likes of Elano might be one challenge too far.”

US Awaits Business As Usual

Countdown To Inauguration Of Another Politician

America awoke this morning to the prospect of seeing a politician getting the top job in American politics because more people thought he’d be good at it than anyone else. A chilly Washington DC will see Barack Obama become the 44th man start work at a job he applied for nearly two years ago.

“This is an historic day for America” commented one political commentator, politically. “We have only ever seen a powerful, influential man spend huge amounts of money in order to become even more powerful and influential forty three times before. I think everyone in the country will remember where they were when they watched somebody they’ve never met get a job promotion.”

Barack Obama has come a long way from his humble beginnings studying law at the frighteningly expensive and exclusive Harvard Law School. After years of courting the favour of his staggeringly wealthy friends and colleagues, he has risen to the very top of American society. An amazing feat for somebody who had to start from somewhere near the upper third of American society.

Liberals in America eagerly await the inauguration of Obama, with many feeling that a religiously conservative president that opposes gay marriage will mark a huge shift away from presidency of George Bush, who was a man who opposed gay marriage and was religiously conservative.

The new president’s acceptance speech is much anticipated as several presidential terms have been marred by poor oratory. Martin Van Buren, America’s thirteenth president, famously angered the electorate by simply saying “Cheers for this. I’d better get cracking, really. Too fucking cold to be gabbing out here.”

Obama will be hoping for something more in line with JFK, whose “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country…” speech is regarded as a landmark in liberal reform. An early Obama speech draft, which saw him trying to echo Kennedy by saying “Don’t expect us to help you out. You’re on your fucking own.” was rejected for being “A bit of a downer and way too honest.”

The Inaugaration Day timetable will be as follows:

7AM: Removal vans will take the last of former president Bush’s shotguns and Tonka toys from the White House

9AM: The Mall will fill with tens of thousands of visitors keen to wave a flag at some stranger half a mile away.

12 Noon: Barack Obama will face the near-hypothermic crowd, take the oath of office and make his first set of vague, unattainably empty promises as president.

1PM- 11PM: President Obama will attend a series of dinners, functions and dances with well-wishers, party members and shady plutocrats.

Midnight: President Obama will be briefed on the state of the nation’s finances, and standing in the various middle east wars America is involved in. He is expected to continue weeping until late on Wednesday evening.

“Don’t Hurry Back” Obama Tells Clinton

President Elect To “Muddle Through Without Hillary”

On the day Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary Of State when he takes office next year, the president elect said “This is a vital role in a new government dedicated to change. We need somebody who will travel to some of the most dangerous places on the planet and will often be away for months at a time. As soon as I read that job description, I immediately thought of Mrs Clinton.”

As America waits to see whether Obama lives up to his election promises, he has already announced a radical and intensive timetable for his Secretary Of State. “I don’t want to see her anywhere near the White House for at least 18 months” Obama told journalists. “She can send me postcards if she likes, but I’ll be warning US border patrols not to let her back into the US until late 2010 at the earliest.”

“The world is a dangerous, troubled and frightening place and I feel America has a responsibility to engage with these countries as closely as possible” continued Obama. “For that reason, I have compiled a list of the twenty most troubled spots on Earth and Hillary will be going to them all. Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, East Timor – the lot. If there’s a place where amphetamine-fuelled teenagers roam the countryside armed with machetes and AK47s, then I want Mrs Clinton to be there to meet them.”

Concerned with America’s image abroad as a bullying, polluting big brother, Obama has also decreed that Mrs Clinton must use local transport when travelling abroad and has not been allocated any security personnel. “I think the world is tired of seeing Americans arriving in their country armed to the teeth, throwing their weight around” he said “So for that reason, Hillary’s not even going to be allowed to carry a steel comb when she meets with some of the world’s most violent despots.”

Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on her new role, but one insider claims she reacted by saying “So while I’m ducking bullets in some fly-strewn hellhole, he’s smiling for the cameras and shaking hands with Bono. Great. Meanwhile, Bill’s probably going to be elbow-deep in chubby secretary poon. I hate politics.”

Obama Favourite For Glenrothes Election

Scottish By-Election “Could Be Watershed Moment”

As voters head to the ballot boxes in the Fife constituency of Glenrothes, early exit polls show Barack Obama as a surprise frontrunner to be elected MP. The election, called after the death of John MacDougall from the embarrassment of being a Labour MP, is expecting a record turnout of over 90% as people flock to show their support for the US assassination target elect. “This is a chance for history to be made” said Glenrothes mayor Glen Ebbsfleet “For the first time ever, an African-American could be both leader of the Free World and backbench Scottish MP.”

As Obama’s name does not appear on the ballot paper, Glenrothes residents have been scrawling his name at the bottom, with a tick next to it. Although the spelling of his name has been variable (“One voting paper said ‘That lovely wee black feller from America who drove Miss Daisy’ on it”, said one ballot counter), it is obvious that the US politician is the local favourite to spearhead Glenrothe’s bid to win the “Best Kept Large Town” once more.

Conservative candidate Maurice Golden has tried to emulate Obama’s oratory in his final election speech, saying “Can we improve public transport to Kinglassie & Freuchi? Yes we can. Can we sustain local businesses after the expansion of the Kingdom Shopping Centre? Yes we can. Can we reinstate the Rosyth ferry service to Belgium? Yes we can. God bless Scotland!”

It is unclear whether Obama will accept the will of the Glenrothes electorate as it was revealed today that back in America, he looks set to inherit a smouldering heap of rubble. As George Bush winds down his term in office, sources close to the president have revealed that he plans to leave little of worth behind. “He’s already taking the batteries out of the smoke alarms and remote controls, the lightbulbs from the back rooms” said one aide. “He’s got his cousin turning up next week to lift up the lawn round back of the White House.”

By the time Obama takes office in January, the White House is expected to be little more than a husk held up with hastily-erected joists as Bush attempts to extract every last dollar of profit from his tenure. “He’s done this before” continued the unnamed aide. “When the new governor of Texas took over after George won the presidency, he walked into his office to find all the carpets missing and ‘Fuk U Budy’ scrawled on the wall in what appeared to be faeces.”

America ‘Now Only Half Racist’

‘It’s All Going To Be Fine” Says Expert

After Barack Obama’s historic victory in the race for the White House, a key US political analyst has stated that “Everything’s gravy from here on in. We can all kick back and let the good times roll. Our hundreds of years of racial oppression are but a distant memory and everything’s been sorted out now.”

Questions are being asked as to how the McCain campaign failed so badly and several theories have been put forward. Some blame the stigma of Bush’s disastrous handling of everything he comes within forty yards of. Others have suggested that McCain always looked on the brink of saying “I’m running for President and I’ve still got all my own teeth, you know.” But most commentators are agreed that the major handicap to McCain’s presidential push was choosing “A slate-eyed fucking lunatic” as vice presidential candidate.

“This was always going to be about capturing the under-represented voting demographic” said Ebbsfleet “And the Democrats had the African-American vote sewn up. Not that the Republicans would have touched a black VP candidate with a burning cross, you understand. So they had to go with a female candidate. From a field of very competent, experienced female senators McCain chose Palin. This proved to be the equivalent of letting Ringo sing.”

“Politics is about power” Ebbsfleet continued “And leaders are often seen as evil geniuses. But Palin was something even worse than that. An evil moron. Carrying on from the Beatles analogies, Palin will surely go down as the Yoko Ono of US politics.”

Many see Obama’s presidency as marking a turning point in US society. “America has a history of racial intolerance” said analyst Jed Ebbsfleet “But with the election of a mixed-race candidate like Obama, we’re halfway to putting that behind us. I think it was unrealistic to expect the American public to vote for a candidate who wasn’t at least partially white, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

Ebbsfleet also feels that, with 52% of the electorate voting for Obama, “We can now be proud to say that, as a nation, we’re now only half racist. Although if half of us voted for a mixed-race guy, that might still make us three-quarters racist. I was never really good at math, like those Asian guys.”

As news broke of Obama’s victory, the streets of Baltimore, Chicago and Washington were filled with crowds comprised of every race, creed and colour singing “The Age Of Aquarius”. Many thousands, previously crippled due to lack of basic medical care, were seen to kick away their crutches and dance with crackheads miraculously free of their addiction. Millions of rednecks were seen crying onto the shoulders of their black neighbours, sobbing heartfelt apologies, while their neighbours were heard to reply “That’s okay, brother. Water under the bridge.”

In his acceptance speech, Obama told the gathered thousands “I am deeply grateful for the faith people have put in me. But now is the time to be realistic. The economy, social deprivation, our military involvement in Iraq, the environment…they’re fucked. All of them. Proper, full-on fucked. Oh dear god. What have I let myself in for? After eight years of Republican rule, I have been sold a frigging pup, haven’t I?”

Obama To Befriend Every Person In The US

Presidential Candidate To Visit With Wine & Trivial Pursuit

Barack Obama’s push to move into the White House for four years went into overdrive last night as he began his quest to make friends with every man, woman and child in the United States. “Yes, even Hawaii” said Obama “Even if it means using up all my air miles.”

Neither presidential candidate is incumbent and as a result cannot rely on four years of misrule, sexual allegations or corruption to misrepresent. Many feel that this has forced the respective campaigns of McCain and Obama to focus on personalities rather than policies.

While McCain has focussed on the more traditional route of portraying his potential presidency as a benign avuncular regime with a hatred of abortion and a terrifying arsenal of nuclear persuaders, Obama his personalised his campaign by attempting to convince the US electorate that he is simply a regular, everyday guy with an unquenchable yearning for ultimate power.

Obama’s charm offensive, codenamed “Operation Buddy”, began just after midnight with the senator visiting the home of Chance Huxley, a cab driver from Minneapolis. Obama is said to have taken a six-pack of Coors and a copy of ‘Weird Science’ on DVD to the 47-year-old’s home. “He was a real nice guy” said Huxley after the senatorial visit. “We watched the movie, sunk back a few cool ones and he outlined his fiscal plan for underpinning medical insurance provision. I told him he could crash on the couch if he wanted but he said he’d call a cab. Even took his dead soldiers out to the recycling bin. A class act.”

Fitz Ebbsfleet, professor of politics at Knutsford University, said the senator’s campaign would do much to allay the doubts of middle-american voters. “The vast majority of the white US public have the low-grade level of bigotry standard in industrialised nations across the globe. It’s the type that would baulk at using racial epithets but would typically feel vague awkwardness in the presence of somebody of different ethnic origin. Obama’s campaign is therefore brilliant. Not only will these people be able to say that some of their best friends are black, the friend in question will be one of the most powerful men on the planet.”

Senator Obama gave no official statement on the new strand of his campaign, but speaking from a leaving party for Sandra Chipsfield, a recently retired postal clerk from Newhaven, he said “I just want to get to know the people of this great country. Anyway, who’s up for tequila shots? My round.”

Rhetoric “Equally Empty” In Presidential Debate

Nothing To Separate Insincere Promises, Say Commentators

After the final televised debate of the US presidential campaign, opinion is divided as to who made the most convincing set of hollow proclamations. With voting in the election less than a month away, this was the two candidate’s last chance to woo voters with pledges to do things they have no intentions of actually doing. Senator McCain is behind in the polls and Senator Obama is seen by many as too inexperienced for the role of the world’s biggest bully, so both men had something to prove. However, by the end of the debate, neither candidate’s set of chin music was more deceptively plausible.

McCain started the debate by discussing one person in Ohio who might want to buy a small business, but might not. His advisors were originally going to start the debate with the opening hours of a mobile library in the outskirts of Des Moines. However, Republicans eventually felt that how Obama had dealt with the aspirations of an anonymous workman would show the public just how the Democrat candidate would cope at the helm of a country more powerful than Ming The Merciless on steroids.

Obama countered by suggesting that because McCain belonged to the same political party as Bush, moved in the same circles as Bush and had voted for the same policies as Bush, it might be possible that McCain could potentially be a similar president to Bush. The Republican countered this argument by pointing out key differences, such as their haircuts and which brand of ketchup they preferred.

But ultimately, there was no clear winner on the night, with neither side able to convince the majority of the public that the piss running down their leg was actually rain. It was left to the respective vice presidential candidates to give the US electorate something to choose between, with Democrat VP Joe Biden being described as “A lightweight loose cannon with a tendency to put their foot in their mouth” and Republican VP Sarah Palin described as “An absolute sodding lunatic. Have you looked into her eyes? You know what stares back at you? The fucking abyss, that’s what. Ever seen her walk past a mirror? No, didn’t think so.”

Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe

Bombshell’s Corpse Exhumed In Kennedy Association Bid

Barack Obama has upped the ante in his bid to be compared with JFK by having sex with the remains of shite dead actress Marilyn Monroe, it was reported today. In a sombre re-enactment of Kennedy’s trysts with the pill-ridden tragedy magnet, Obama was said to have had brief, joyless sex with Monroe’s husk in the back of a limousine whilst driving through downtown Los Angeles.

The limousine driver, Biff Ebbsfleet, said “Mr Obama said he was on his way to a charity fundraiser but had to make a quick stop first. My suspicions were first aroused when two secret service agents got in the back carrying shovels, tarpaulin and big jars of Vicks Vaporub.”
Ebbsfleet went on to say they stopped outside Westwood Village Cemetery for about an hour before he was ordered to drive off again. From the back of the limo he could hear strange noises. “There was a kind of grunting going on, as well as what sounded like somebody retching. I heard something like twigs snapping for a while before I heard Mr Obama shout “Ugghh!!! Ich bein ein sick puppy!” I was then asked to turn the car around and back to the cemetery I went.”

It was only later that Ebbsfleet put together the pieces of the puzzle. “When we got back to the cemetery, the secret service guys were carrying something out the back seat. As they passed a sidewalk vent, a billow of white silk blew up from underneath the tarpaulin. Later, when I was cleaning the limo, amongst the smell of stale vomit and rancid meat, I got a whiff of Chanel No 5, Monroe’s favourite scent. Then the penny dropped”.

This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily


Brand Apologises For Hoax

Following a warning from the police, Russell Brand has apologised for an onstage hoax in Northampton in which he impersonated a comedian. “Verily, me very heart bleeds for the coppers what had to listen to me natter” said Brand in a needlessly verbose press statement earlier today. “Cut me very dinkle off guvnor if it should happen again. I was only ‘aving a little jape at the knave what’s been sexually assaulting the ladies, ‘cos obviously that’s really funny.”

A spokesman for Northampton Police said “Impersonating a comedian with intent to defraud is a serious matter. If in doubt, the public should listen very carefully to the utterances of somebody claiming to be a comedian. Trading standards take a very dim view of this and our colleagues in America are currently investigating a multi-million dollar scam perpetrated by a chap calling himself Dane Cook.”


Cameron Asks Obama To Have A Go At The Chinese Next

Following his support for Barack Obama’s speech urging absentee black fathers to play a greater role in family life, David Cameron has asked the US presidential candidate whether he can “Take the piss out of the chinks next. Maybe something about their accents. I’ve always wanted to have a pop at them, but fuck that for a game of electoral cricket. I’d get lynched. Sorry, no offence.”

Cameron is to set off on a worldwide tour visiting various heads of state, hoping they will also give him license to spread his vile bigoted filth. “He’s really hoping President Singh of India will say something about smelling of curry.” said Tory person Haughley Ebbsfleet-Ffinch. “He’s always wanted to wobble his head and go ‘bud-bud-bud’ in parliament and with the help of the Indian president, he might still get the chance.”

Boris Johnson has criticised Cameron’s tour, saying “Seems an awful lot of bother to me. When I want to call ‘em pickaninnies, I damn well do. I don’t need the permission of some feller in Umbo Bogo land.”



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Assassins Await Result Of Super Tuesday

'Super Tuesday Is Shooter Tuesday', Says Spokesman

With Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton neck & neck in the US primaries going into Super Tuesday, the American Supremacist Sons (ASS) are feverishly anticipating who, if eventually elected president, they will mow down in a hail of bullets.

ASS are a loosely-affiliated organisation based in Alabama, whose mission statement reads: “We cherish the inalienable right of every Satan-hating American man to do whatever he goddamn pleases without some pinko, woman or spook interfering with our bidness.”

Chad Ebbsfleet, Utmost Grand Sorcerer for ASS, said “It sure is some exciting times in politics right now. Most people in Yankee states don’t want another good old boy in the White House, what with him killing a few sand-niggers and all. Seems like the Dem-o-crats are gonna get themselves a president. Our members are real divided on who they wanna gun down.

See, on the one hand we don’t wanna be pushed around by some farm boy. On minute we’re giving them the right to vote, next minute people are voting for them. Don’t make no sense. But on t’other hand, having the country run by some screeching les-bee-en? That dog won’t hunt.”

Ebbsfleet stated that the choice between assassination targets has exposed deep divisions in ASS. “Well, some of our members don’t like the idea of having to draw a bead on that boy Barack. Looks like a real limber sonofabitch and a lot of our boys have got the shakes from the DT’s. But for others, shooting a woman just don’t sit right. Don’t seem gentlemanly, if you take my drift.”

Despite some reservations, however, Ebbsfleet says ASS will make good on their promises should either Obama or Clinton be voted president. “I’ll accept the head of the supreme armed forces being some pantyhose-wearing femmy-nist or some uppity negra the day they prise my shotgun from my cold, dead, tobacco-stained hands.”

Ebbsfleet gave his interview from the State court in Birmingham, Alabama, where he faces 213 charges of racially-aggravated assault, arson and harassment. “Seriously” said State prosecutor Cray Turner “This guy is one major fuck-head.”