Obama To Befriend Every Person In The US

Presidential Candidate To Visit With Wine & Trivial Pursuit

Barack Obama’s push to move into the White House for four years went into overdrive last night as he began his quest to make friends with every man, woman and child in the United States. “Yes, even Hawaii” said Obama “Even if it means using up all my air miles.”

Neither presidential candidate is incumbent and as a result cannot rely on four years of misrule, sexual allegations or corruption to misrepresent. Many feel that this has forced the respective campaigns of McCain and Obama to focus on personalities rather than policies.

While McCain has focussed on the more traditional route of portraying his potential presidency as a benign avuncular regime with a hatred of abortion and a terrifying arsenal of nuclear persuaders, Obama his personalised his campaign by attempting to convince the US electorate that he is simply a regular, everyday guy with an unquenchable yearning for ultimate power.

Obama’s charm offensive, codenamed “Operation Buddy”, began just after midnight with the senator visiting the home of Chance Huxley, a cab driver from Minneapolis. Obama is said to have taken a six-pack of Coors and a copy of ‘Weird Science’ on DVD to the 47-year-old’s home. “He was a real nice guy” said Huxley after the senatorial visit. “We watched the movie, sunk back a few cool ones and he outlined his fiscal plan for underpinning medical insurance provision. I told him he could crash on the couch if he wanted but he said he’d call a cab. Even took his dead soldiers out to the recycling bin. A class act.”

Fitz Ebbsfleet, professor of politics at Knutsford University, said the senator’s campaign would do much to allay the doubts of middle-american voters. “The vast majority of the white US public have the low-grade level of bigotry standard in industrialised nations across the globe. It’s the type that would baulk at using racial epithets but would typically feel vague awkwardness in the presence of somebody of different ethnic origin. Obama’s campaign is therefore brilliant. Not only will these people be able to say that some of their best friends are black, the friend in question will be one of the most powerful men on the planet.”

Senator Obama gave no official statement on the new strand of his campaign, but speaking from a leaving party for Sandra Chipsfield, a recently retired postal clerk from Newhaven, he said “I just want to get to know the people of this great country. Anyway, who’s up for tequila shots? My round.”

Rhetoric “Equally Empty” In Presidential Debate

Nothing To Separate Insincere Promises, Say Commentators

After the final televised debate of the US presidential campaign, opinion is divided as to who made the most convincing set of hollow proclamations. With voting in the election less than a month away, this was the two candidate’s last chance to woo voters with pledges to do things they have no intentions of actually doing. Senator McCain is behind in the polls and Senator Obama is seen by many as too inexperienced for the role of the world’s biggest bully, so both men had something to prove. However, by the end of the debate, neither candidate’s set of chin music was more deceptively plausible.

McCain started the debate by discussing one person in Ohio who might want to buy a small business, but might not. His advisors were originally going to start the debate with the opening hours of a mobile library in the outskirts of Des Moines. However, Republicans eventually felt that how Obama had dealt with the aspirations of an anonymous workman would show the public just how the Democrat candidate would cope at the helm of a country more powerful than Ming The Merciless on steroids.

Obama countered by suggesting that because McCain belonged to the same political party as Bush, moved in the same circles as Bush and had voted for the same policies as Bush, it might be possible that McCain could potentially be a similar president to Bush. The Republican countered this argument by pointing out key differences, such as their haircuts and which brand of ketchup they preferred.

But ultimately, there was no clear winner on the night, with neither side able to convince the majority of the public that the piss running down their leg was actually rain. It was left to the respective vice presidential candidates to give the US electorate something to choose between, with Democrat VP Joe Biden being described as “A lightweight loose cannon with a tendency to put their foot in their mouth” and Republican VP Sarah Palin described as “An absolute sodding lunatic. Have you looked into her eyes? You know what stares back at you? The fucking abyss, that’s what. Ever seen her walk past a mirror? No, didn’t think so.”