"Fuck Off With That Scalpel" Kinnear Tells Surgeons

Noted Cardiologist Threatened With “A Good Bollock-Mangling”

Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear has jeopardised his health after dubbing his surgical team "A shower of shitfists" according to medical staff. "We were trying to discuss his bypass operation" said anesthetist Jason Ebbsfleet "And he just pointed his finger at each member of staff and came out with a different swear word."

The consultation started badly when Kinnear asked who would be performing the operation. When cardiologist Dr Frank Knutsford identified himself, Kinnear retorted "You're a cunt." After two nurses fainted during the discussion, Kinnear was moved to a specialist ward staffed by ex-navvies.

Kinnear was rushed into hospital after complaining of chest pains. A transcript of the 999 call records the following conversation:

“999 emergency. Which service do you require?”“Just fuck off and listen to me, you twat-farm. I’ve got pains in my christing chest and I need a shitting ambulance. Com-fucking-prende?”

“Please calm down sir. When did these pains start?”“As soon as I started talking to you, you frigging cock-wrangler. Ambulance. Now. Get my shagging drift?”

The operation is due to take place tomorrow and Kinnear’s medical team predict possible complications. “It’s unusual that we’d have to strap a patient’s arms down during an operation” said Ebbsfleet “But with delicate surgery like this, we can’t afford to have him flicking the v’s at the theatre nurse during surgery”.

Kinnear’s agent has released a statement regarding the Newcastle manager’s recuperation. “Joe expects to be out of hospital by next week. He told me today that he ‘Will spend a couple of months at home with the bunch of wankers I call a family. Newcastle will just have to titting well look after itself.’”

Fans flooded Newcastle’s internet board with messages of support. “Get arseing well better soon” read one post, while “Tooning Fork 4Eva” wrote “Hope to see you back in the dugout soon, you old twatbladder.”

Newcastle FC told reporters “In the spirit of Joe’s time at the club, we’d have to say that as we’re currently near the bottom of the table and without a manager, we’re up cunt creek with a dick paddle.”

Footballer Denies Charge Of Consensual Sex

Decent, Loving Trysts “Never Happened” Says Star

The footballer named today in a tabloid story as having indulged in “Repeated, considerate sexual acts of a legal, caring nature” has denied the allegation as “Absolute fiction”. The footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has stated “I am one of the wealthiest, most successful footballers in the country. Why would I risk my career at Old Trafford, my place in the Portuguese national side or my club number 7 shirt just to have normal, intimate sex with one long-term sexual partner?”

The statement came after one national tabloid printed a story, entitled “My Monogomy Heaven”, detailing years of alleged lovemaking with the unnamed World Player Of The Year. The interview with a 31-year-old woman describing herself as “An unknown middle manager in a regional pharmaceutical firm” euphemistically lists repeated occasions where the footballer “Took my needs into consideration, preserved my anonymity to protect my feelings and continually insisted on treating me as a valuable human being.”

Press experts are already questioning the validity of the claims, with one stating “It’s a well-known fact that sexual intercourse with a footballer, whether it’s in a plush £1000-per-night hotel or against your will down the back alley of a low-rent nightclub, will always fall into two categories. Either the footballer is seriously under-endowed, can only last a couple of minutes and has no idea how to please a woman. Or the encounter can only be described as a ‘romp’, involving multiple orgasms, various foodstuffs and complex equipment. Ideally, the recipient will describe the footballer as an animal that has no trouble scoring between the sheets.”

The fact that the unnamed woman described her nights of passion as ‘lovemaking’ rather than “X-rated action” has also thrown her claims into doubt. The footballer in question, whose anonymity is currently preserved following a court order, stated “This is worse than when I winked at the bench after Rooney got sent off. I have the deepest respect for the traditions of the Premiership, and to imply that I would have sex without filming it on my mobile, involving my teammates in the action or just viciously sexually assaulting her is a terrible slur on my character.”

Lawyers representing the footballer, who due to legal restrictions can only be referred to as “CR”, have already supplied the police with several instances of degrading group sex and cash payments to rape victims as proof that the player could not have been involved in the adult, responsible relationship alleged in the article.

City Move To Sign Obama As Manager

Hughes To Be Replaced By Leader Of The Free World

Following yesterday’s inauguration ceremony, Barack Obama’s first responsibility will be to consider a £500M bid from increasingly-ludicrous football team Manchester City to replace Mark Hughes as manager. City representatives look set to fly out to Washington today to woo the US president into taking over the day-to-day running of the Eastlands outfit.

“We think this offer is too good for Obama to refuse” stated City Executive Chairman Gary Cook. “We’ve got half a billion large waiting for him in a Swiss bank account if he signs the contract. We’ve worked out a compensation package for the American nation to hold another election, but in Vice President Joe Biden they’ve got a ready-made replacement to take over the country. I also understand that Joe Royle has expressed an interest.”

Cook was apparently convinced of Obama’s suitability to the role after watching coverage of Obama’s inauguration on Sky News. “When I saw that two million people had turned up to watch the ceremony, I thought “We could do with crowds like that at our place”. Imagine it – two million people crammed in to watch us play FC Copenhagen in February. That would make Ferguson’s nose explode, wouldn’t it?”

City’s move for Obama has been supported by impotent World Cup-winning rentaquote Pele, who famously once stated “In my lifetime, I predict an African-American will win the League Cup”. The Abu Dhabi Group, City’s wealthy backers, have also endorsed the bid, stating “We could buy your whole country and fire it at Jupiter if we so chose, so do not question our decisions.”

Pundits are divided over whether the bid will be successful, with Alan Hansen particularly sceptical. “It’s an absolutely shocking decision” said the dour Captain Scarlet doppelganger. “Right now they need a gaffer that can get the team working as a unit, shore up the defence and push them up the league. Rather than an ambitious ex-congressman who has consistently campaigned on a platform of social change and cautiously progressive liberalism.”

Trevor Brooking stated “Well, ermm, errr, the lad’s not got much experience of top-flight football management, has he? But it would certainly be a big name signing and he might improve City’s performance when it comes to converting crosses. Like when I scored with that header in the 1980 cup final. I didn’t score many with me head, as you know…”

One Obama insider has expressed doubts that the president will move to Manchester, however. “Barack has accepted the challenge to overhaul US finance, build bridges with the international community and heal deep social divisions in America. But I think getting a decent performance out of the likes of Elano might be one challenge too far.”

Gerrard’s Nan Had Died, Says Benitez

“No, Not That One, The Other One” Insists Liverpool Manager

After Steven Gerrard was summoned to the England training camp by Fabio Capello despite being declared unfit to play, Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has dramatically changed his story, stating “No, that was a problem with my English. I may have told Capello ‘Gerrard, he cannot play because of his groin injury’ but my English is still not of the requisite standard required to convey complex concepts. What I meant to say was that his nan had died.”

As Gerrard faced a scan conducted by England doctors to ascertain whether the micro-foreheaded midfielder had any form of groin strain, Benitez made frantic last-minute calls to Capello. “Stevie might come to the training ground saying he’s hurt his groin” Benitez informed the England manager “But he’s just really confused and upset about his nan. What? No, that was his other nan, on his mum’s side. She died just before England played that friendly against The Vatican City, remember?”

Benitez insists that Liverpool have not tried to deceive the England camp, stating “Of course I do not mind my most valuable player coming back from a meaningless kickabout in several separate boxes. Every player has a real desire to play for his country – well, not Jamie, obviously, but most of them. But the fact we’re about to enter a flurry of games that could ultimately decide my fate as a manager does not mean I’d make something up about his happy region being on the blink.”

Gerrard is not the only player to be summoned to his national training camp after claiming injury. Capello faces a severely depleted squad with seven of his first-choice squad missing with injuries ranging from “A partially-torn cruciate” to “An attack of the vapours”. Ashley Cole is also believed to be missing due to “A severely bruised ego” and serious rectal trauma sustained while he was stepping out of the bath and accidentally sat on a bottle of Cheryl’s Mum roll-on deodorant and he tried getting out himself which is why there’s KY Jelly around it and it just got stuck and what are the chances of that happening.

Joachim Low is said to be unperturbed by the problems in the England camp, telling English journalists “We know England are a strong side and we expect them to give us a good game on Wednesday. It is a chance to test new players and we ca…OH YES, VERY FUNNY WITH THE THEME OF THE DAMUBUSTERS! YOU MAYBE WISH TO CHANGE THE RECORD, YES?”

Last-Minute Transfer Summary

All The SS Titanic Deckchair-Rearranging In Full

Oaumlaiut Hoeueergsson: £1.2M from Ottawa Phlaatpak to Hull City

Hoeueergsson joins Hull City from Norwegian side Phlaatpak on a 3-year deal. He’s a pacy striker (the pace in question being that of a glacier ploughing through a fjord) that manager Phil Brown hopes will give his side more cutting edge up front.

“Hoeueergsson’s a big lad – we signed him last night but it will be two weeks before the roll on, roll off ferry delivers him to Hull – and we reckon he’ll give us great presence from dead ball situations. Especially in the last twenty minutes, as that’s how long it will take him to lumber up to the penalty area.”

Manuel Franco de Paella: £6M from Vallillollillaoledid to Liverpool

de Paella has been tracked by the Liverpool manager for several months after impressing him with his displays of Spanishness. “He is very Spanish, which is good.” said Benitez “And we hope he can bring this Spanishness to the side.”

Pundits feel that de Paella has been bought to solve Liverpool’s problems in wide midfield areas, but Benitez was quick to deny this. “No, there is no problem for us in these positions. We have a failed striker, a convicted drunk-driver, somebody who wasn’t good enough for West Ham – many players for these positions. What de Paella can bring to the team is being born in Spain. Can Bentley, Downing, Ronaldo claim this? No. So they are not as good”

Stan Hilton: Free from Sunderland to Stoke

Stan Hilton’s signing to Stoke signals a remarkable achievement for the 39-year-old defensive midfielder, as it now means he’s played for all 92 teams in the English football league.

Stoke manager Tony Pulis said “Hilton brings with him a wealth of experience, as well as a chronic gambling habit and knees made out of twigs and spit. He’s a great bloke to have around the dressing room, not least because his brother makes regular booze runs over to Calais.”

Hilton is looking forward to resuming his career at Stoke after being frozen out at his former club. “I just want to get back to match fitness, get on the team sheet, and kick hapless young strikers up into the air once more.” said Hilton.

Broulaealiz Kheaarinian - £4M from HK Gaziantep FC to Newcastle United

“Look, we had to sign somebody, anybody” a weeping Kevin Keegan told the press this morning. “It was twenty to midnight, no bugger would sign for me, I’ve got eight fit players for our next match, so I had to take a punt. I typed in ‘Finishing = 18 or more’ and ‘Cost: No more than £5M’ into my copy of Football Manager and this feller’s name popped up. So here he is.”

A beaming Kheaarinian told reporters “I am honoured to play for a team like….Newcastle, that’s right. Newcastle. Yes.” Keegan added “I would love it, just love it, if I actually knew what position he played in.”

Premiership Transfer Roundup

All The Pointless Panic Buys So Far



Arsenal – Jean-Pierre du Pingpong.
After losing half of his squad like a drunken pub crawl through Amsterdam, Wenger will have to buy big to appease fans hungry for success this season. The wily Professor Yaffle lookalike has spent big on the 8-year-old French winger Pingpong, who previously played in the Camargue Under-11 league.

“He is very fast, very hungry to learn and does his homework without complaint” said Wenger. “I think he will develop into a fine player”. It is expected that Wenger will give Pingpong his debut in the Carling Cup, 2018.


Chelsea – Khalid Croesus.
A period of huge upheaval in the Chelsea camp, as Frank Lampard’s slow waddle toward the exit threatens the whole training ground with subsidence. Scolari has quickly settled into the Chelsea way of buying players, known as the “Dr Evil Gambit”.

Smaller clubs shield their eyes peering to the summit of Chelsea’s cash reserves and when stating their asking price say “One Hundred, Billion Dollars!” before placing their little finger to their lips and cackling maniacally. Abramovich then rummages in his back pocket for the fee and ponies up.

Khalid Croesus is an experienced central midfielder but not blessed with pace. “At the chairman’s request, he is to be encased in platinum” said Scolari “He is then going to be studded with diamonds the size of ostrich eggs and bathed every day in virgin’s tears. Frankly, I think Mr Abramovich is running out of ways to piss his money up the wall, certainly after paying £30M for a knackered striker two years ago.”


Manchester City – Roy Of The Rovers.
After the offer to Ronaldhino, including his own considerable weight in dubloons to stand by the halfway line every Saturday waiting for the ball to be played to his feet had failed, City chairman Shinawatra set his sights on a more realistic target: 54-year-old fictional striker Roy Race.

“After going for one of the most gifted players on the planet who has lived his footballing career surrounded by superstars in clubs famed for their bulging trophy cabinets, we went for a more realistic target. In this case a fictional character.”

Race is expected to bring a more attacking threat from corners, except at the North East corner in the ground. “I don’t want the soil there disturbed” said Shinawatra “And no, I don’t know what happened to those twelve Thai dissidents who went missing last week.” Mr Shinawatra also refused to find the fact that his former political party was called Thai Rak even remotely funny.


Stoke City FC – Bob Journeyman
Stoke City’s summer signings have already been called “Pissing onto the bonfire of failure.” by their manager Tony Pulis. “Really, it’s just too depressing to think about” he continued “The top clubs can pay millions for players they won’t even use, and what have I got to work with? Less money than a one-legged hooker in Utah. What’s the fucking point?”

Pulis admitted that not even he could name half the current Stoke squad – “One of them used to play for Derby, I think”, he commented – and he is doubtful that any further additions to the team will be enough to ensure their premiership survival.

“I’ve signed that lad from Reading – seems a nice enough sort – but seriously, come on. £5m for a ginger bloke? There’s something not right about that.” Pulis has also signed Bob Journeyman, a 37-year-old striker who is good in the air, tough in the tackle and, Pulis admitted, “Long in the tooth”.

Journeyman’s previous clubs have included Crawley Town, Ebbsfleet United, Forfar, Port Vale, Aldershot, Yeovil, Kettering, Brechin, Oldham, Swansea, Partick, Morecambe, Leicester, Doncaster and, rather bizarrely, real Madrid.

Ronaldo To Remake TV Show ‘Roots’

This article can now be seen at the excellent Daily Mash site, here:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/ronaldo-to-star-in-remake-of-'roots'--200807111089/

Thanks.

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Ferguson Sues Strachan For Being ‘Scottish & Grumpy’

Following the complaint made against real Madrid for tapping-up the cheating acquitted date-rapist Ronaldo, one-man strop factory Ferguson has decided to sue Gordon Strachan for “Being Scottish, a football manager and a mardy bugger.”

“There’s no place for it in the modern game.” said the ruddy-nosed timelord. “Man Utd has always stuck to the rules about not having a cantankerous Caledonian manager so it’s not fair that others should get away with it” he continued while overseeing a vicious argument between a pot and a kettle. The American merchandising conglomerate is also considering suing Middlesbrough FC for playing in red and having an ‘M’ in their name.

At time of press, Jaap Stam was unavailable for comment.

Dolphin Deaths ‘A Blow Against Terrorism’ Say Government

The recent death of 26 dolphins in a Cornwall estuary was “A near-miss for the safety of the British peoples” announced unhinged Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today.

“Our security services have revealed to me that none of the dead animals had travel visas, passports or jobs in the UK” continued the swivel-eyed cabinet minister. “It’s well known that dolphins are extremely intelligent, so is it so far-fetched to imagine they had fallen under the spell of some aquatic mullah and were bent on fundamentalist explosivism? I think not.

They were clearly headed for Bristol to target strategic, erm, targets. Lord knows what carnage they could have wreaked had they managed to get a lift on the M4.”

Smith went on to reveal government plans to detain all migratory birds for 42 days to ensure their winter sojourns to sunnier climes have not included indoctrination in terrorist training camps.

Shot Officer ‘Looked Shifty’ Say Police Experts

PC Ian Terry, shot during a firearms exercise in Manchester yesterday “Could easily have been mistaken for a shifty foreigner” said Manchester police chiefs. Terry had recently returned from a fortnight in Alicante and was heavily suntanned, say colleagues, so could easily have been mistaken for somebody who was neither white nor British.

Police chiefs are looking into how an officer of Terry’s appearance could have been allowed near adrenaline-hyped policeman with access to heavy firearms. One expert dubbed it “An accident waiting to happen.”

Manchester police are attempting to play down the incident, stating “Ian Terry was a normal, law-abiding bloke going about his business. If the police can’t gun somebody like that down in cold blood then it’s a sad day for coppers everywhere.”

France Waves Wads Of Euros At Britain

Thousands Laugh Throatily While Groping Sexy Waitresses

France continued its campaign of making the UK feel inadequate, unimportant and pathetic by lining up along the coast of Calais and waving large denomination notes in the direction of Dover before setting fire to them. Dover coastguards reported hearing the crowd chanting “We have metric tonnes more of zis at home, you know?”

The humiliation started earlier in the week with the visit of French president Nicolas Sarkozy, when the visiting premier looked like a gracefully-aging crooner next to Gordon Brown’s civil-servant-with-angina appearance. Sarkozy compounded matters by introducing the Browns to his new wife, Carla Bruni. Brown was alleged to have looked at Bruni – a singer / model / heiress that looks like a sexy Roswell alien – before turning to his own wife and muttering “And I‘ve got another thirty years with that Yeti. Christ.” under his breath.

Sarkozy was also invited to a banquet at Buckingham Palace, where he was heard to remark “Zis is all very nice, but in my country we dealt with these parasites 200 years ago. In France, all zis would be, how you say, an art gallery with maybe a café selling incredibly tasty coffee.”

Matters were made worse last night with England’s 1-0 defeat to France in an international friendly. “We’ve got egg all over our faces.” said part-time England captain and full-time moron Rio Ferdinand. “But it’s beautifully creamy, free range egg cooked with fresh butter and just a hint of herbs. The buggers can make even something as simple as that taste lovely.” England manager Capello confirmed that the humble pie England were forced to eat by the French was “So tasty, many of the players had seconds. The pastry melted in the mouth and the filling was rich, beautifully cooked and packed with flavour. What’s worse is that it only took them 15 minutes to prepare it. Ribery apparently whipped it up in the dressing room at half time.”

International Relations expert Franck Ebbsfleet has warned that more is to follow. “By Saturday, I fully expect the French airforce to drop thousands of leaflets over Kent that boast about house prices in Ardennes. Bastards.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’

'Fog In The Mind Is All Mine' Says Former England Moron

Following his detention under the Mental Health Act, sports brain specialist Gary Ebbsfleet has declared that Paul Gascoigne’s behaviour is ‘No longer funny. As of today, rather than chuckling indulgently at the antics of a maverick sports genius, we should immediately shake our heads sadly at the tragic decline of a sports genius. It’s a difficult transition, but I would ask the public to make the effort.’

Ebbsfleet feels that recent events show that the public will be able to make this sudden switch of sporting emotions, with everybody stopping hating Manchester United for a day because of the anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster.

Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Gascoigne took no time in capitalising on his new-found fame by drinking like a wino on New Year’s Eve, sticking his tongue out at cameras, wearing strap-on plastic tits, knocking the shite out of his wife and trying to decapitate Garry Parker in the FA Cup final.

His career was plagued with injury following that game, as his continued drinking, fucking around in nightclubs and eating more than a tapeworm at a free buffet hindered a return to form. As a result, fans only saw occasional flickers of the formerly bright spark, such as insulting the Italian press and inciting sectarian violence whilst at Rangers.

But Ebbsfleet feels that the Gascoigne the public once knew and formerly tolerated despite being a drunken, wifebeating fucking idiot is no more. “If you’ve seen recent footage of him, he looks like a half-starved turkey that has seen too much. I doubt we’ll see Alan Shearer smiling benevolently as Gazza babbles incoherently ever again.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up

ENTERTAINMENT:
The Home Office is considering reclassifying Amy Winehouse as a Class B substance. There are fears that Amy Winehouse is proving to be far more potent than first thought. “After what’s happened over the last twelve months, we feel possession of Amy Winehouse should be punishable by up to three years in jail” said spokesman Rex Ebbsfleet. “Kids may think that hanging out with Winehouse is just a bit of fun, harmless even. But we have documentary evidence to prove it can lead to hard drug use, imprisonment and fucking awful tattoos”.

SPORT:
Ahead of his first game in charge tonight, Fabio Capello has instigated a new regime in which players are encouraged to “Act their fucking age”. FA chief Brian Barwick said “Capello brings with him years of experience, obviously, but he also has new and exciting ways of managing the England squad. Behaving like adults, treating the thing like an actual job rather than a 3-day beano and actually giving a crusty shit about their performance are all things Capello is asking the players to focus on. It’s a whole new way of thinking, but we hope it will garner results” After tonight’s game, it is expected that Capello will implement his revolutionary “You’re sodding useless and you’re out of the squad” technique.

POLITICS:

Following Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s plan to confiscate any alcohol being carried by under-18s, further plans to take candy from babies is also being considered. “We must be ceaseless in our pursuit of physical perfection” said Smith “And police should have the right to steal sweeties from kids who look like they may grow up to be fatties.” Another element of the scheme will be a new “Stop & Give Me 20 Press-Ups” power to be awarded to police.

CRIME:
Mark Dixie, the man accused of raping and murdering model Sally Anne Bowman, has had his defence plea dismissed as being “Stupendously childish”. After Dixie stated he’d had sex with Bowman’s dead body after he’d found her in the street, prosecution lawyers said “Essentially, he’s using an excuse I haven’t used since I was twelve – It Was Like This When I Found It.”
Dixie’s other lines of defence have included “You’re always blaming me” “S’not fair” and “Shut uuuuup”. Prosecution are expected to counter Dixie’s claims by stating “Hnngghh! Chinny reckon! Jimmy Hill!”

Mystic Brian & The FA Cup 5th Round Draw

Football Predictions Hot Off The Ether


After yesterday’s FA Cup 5th round draw, Mystic Brian has gazed into his crystal palace ball to see who will emerge victorious:


I see red & white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

I see a capital city full of joy. Men are running around the streets singing. Except for two of them - one has a big nose and more houses than Barratt and the other chap has an expression of permanent surprise/dismay. They tried running for 10 yards but had to stop through exhaustion. The black feller threw up into his hands.
Cardiff to beat Wolves

What is this? A prophecy? "The men of steel are resolute. Their will is unbreakable. Hewn from the very metal of the earth are they. They shall not bend, nor shall they break. But after 85 minutes of woefully inept football Aliadiere will bundle one over the line with his arse."
Middlesbrough to beat Sheffield United

Virgil once wrote: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts. But beware fat Americans bearing £400 million quid of somebody else's money even more." I see a turbulent sea, dotted with dodgy facial hair and banners talking about victories long since past. They shall not walk alone but they will probably got knocked out in the next round when they actually have to play a team that knows what the goal looks like.
Liverpool to beat Barnsley

I see two great titans locked in mortal combat. I see two mighty armies pitched in glorious battle. I see a Leicester man with big ears using the phrase "Tie of the round" several hundred times. I see a flame-haired man being described as "exploding from midfield - he's the best around for that" shortly before tripping over the ball. I see a vast arena eerily silent, at least until that greasy Portugese bastard flukes one in just before half time.
Manchester United to beat Arsenal.

Through the dim mists of time I see the men of the north running around a muddy pitch sporting great big handlebar moustaches and smoking a pipe to celebrate their victory. The mists clear as we move toward the present day. I see a fallen giant currently about as appealing to watch as obese granny porn. They will, however, emerge triumphant.
Preston to beat Portsmouth

The men of middle earth come face to face. But the outcome will be as important to the final reckoning as a gazelle's opinion on Third World Debt is to the lion who is eating him. I predict an ordeal more dour than a hungover Gordon Brown waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. Eventually, one side will go through, because the universe can stand only so much suffering. I see a standup comedian being picked out in the stands.
West Brom to beat Coventry

The crystal ball shows me many allegorical situations. Brian Blessed sitting on a meringue. A child with brittle bones being hit in the face with an armored personnel carrier. A snowman trying to juggle eighteen blowtorches. A mouse with broken legs, dipped in taramasalata, being kicked through a cat sanctuary. What can all this mean?
Chelsea to beat Huddersfield

Benitez Controversy

Benitez’s Desk Moved Into Carpark


After the progressive breakdown in relations between Liverpool FC manager Rafael Benitez and Liverpool’s American owners Tom Hicks & George Gillett, and following management’s recent talks with Jurgen Klinsmann, it was today revealed that Benitez’s office furniture has been moved into the club carpark.

“This is was a perfectly ordinary precautionary measure” said Hicks. “We’re due to move into the new stadium in 2011 and need to start shifting our stuff out sooner rather than later. We just thought that bunging all Rafael’s gear into a Portakabin in the carpark could get that process started.”

Benitez was allegedly shocked to report to work this morning to find his name had been scrubbed from his parking bay and the nameplate removed from his office door. Liverpool management have described this as “All part of standard health & safety procedure.”

The club found it harder to explain Benitez’s other discoveries:
• A booking form for an Oompah band.
• A huge congratulations card with “Welcome to LFC, Jurgen” written inside being passed around the office with an envelope full of pound coins.
• The staff canteen menu changed to include bratwurst, sauerkraut and big foamy tankards of ale.

“It’s very, erm, simple” stammered Hicks. “In a club this size, it’s feasible that at some point we might employ somebody called Jurgen. Possibly as a security guard or something. It’s also possible that this person might conceivably be German. So it makes sense for us to try and make them feel welcome.”

Jurgen Klinsmann was unavailable for comment, stating that “Selling your house and putting all your furniture into removals vans is a busy job, ja?”