US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death

Ritual Slaughter Of Foreigners “Part Of Healing Process” Says Mayor

As part of the memorial service for the seventh anniversary of 9/11, officials in New York are to round up seven vaguely Arabic-looking homeless men and allow widows of the tragedy to shoe them to death.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg explained “The wounds caused by this terrorist atrocity are still very fresh in the minds of New Yorkers. Every day, we look up to the skyline and see two great monuments to the American dream are missing. And every day, we look down onto the sidewalk and see a heap of swarthy looking A-rabs walking around the place laughing at us.”

“Today is a day for saying ‘Fuck you, Johnny Iraq. We run this goddam planet and here’s a dose of all-American size 12s in the nuts for a reminder.”

The ceremony, due to take place at Ground Zero next to remnants of crushed filing cabinet and unidentified stockbroker teeth, will see the seven terrified, innocent immigrants tied to flagpoles flying the stars and stripes. The Jonas Brothers, America’s latest horrifying fundamentalist teen sensations, will sing a mournful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.

Then, as the sun slowly sets over the Hudson river, 47 screeching widows will rip lumps out of the blameless wretches, mouthing incoherent xenophobia and flinging gobbets of warm middle-eastern flesh into the baying crowd.

The ritual slaughter is just one of the many events planned in New York. As the traditional gift for the seventh anniversary is wool or copper, officials will also free 911 sheep into the streets of the city and give locals lengths of piping to bludgeon them to death with.

A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

New York resident Minsky Ebbsfleet said “We took a hell of a licking seven years ago, yessiree. But we wanna show the world that there ain’t no brown in the Big Apple.”

Premiership Transfer Roundup

All The Pointless Panic Buys So Far



Arsenal – Jean-Pierre du Pingpong.
After losing half of his squad like a drunken pub crawl through Amsterdam, Wenger will have to buy big to appease fans hungry for success this season. The wily Professor Yaffle lookalike has spent big on the 8-year-old French winger Pingpong, who previously played in the Camargue Under-11 league.

“He is very fast, very hungry to learn and does his homework without complaint” said Wenger. “I think he will develop into a fine player”. It is expected that Wenger will give Pingpong his debut in the Carling Cup, 2018.


Chelsea – Khalid Croesus.
A period of huge upheaval in the Chelsea camp, as Frank Lampard’s slow waddle toward the exit threatens the whole training ground with subsidence. Scolari has quickly settled into the Chelsea way of buying players, known as the “Dr Evil Gambit”.

Smaller clubs shield their eyes peering to the summit of Chelsea’s cash reserves and when stating their asking price say “One Hundred, Billion Dollars!” before placing their little finger to their lips and cackling maniacally. Abramovich then rummages in his back pocket for the fee and ponies up.

Khalid Croesus is an experienced central midfielder but not blessed with pace. “At the chairman’s request, he is to be encased in platinum” said Scolari “He is then going to be studded with diamonds the size of ostrich eggs and bathed every day in virgin’s tears. Frankly, I think Mr Abramovich is running out of ways to piss his money up the wall, certainly after paying £30M for a knackered striker two years ago.”


Manchester City – Roy Of The Rovers.
After the offer to Ronaldhino, including his own considerable weight in dubloons to stand by the halfway line every Saturday waiting for the ball to be played to his feet had failed, City chairman Shinawatra set his sights on a more realistic target: 54-year-old fictional striker Roy Race.

“After going for one of the most gifted players on the planet who has lived his footballing career surrounded by superstars in clubs famed for their bulging trophy cabinets, we went for a more realistic target. In this case a fictional character.”

Race is expected to bring a more attacking threat from corners, except at the North East corner in the ground. “I don’t want the soil there disturbed” said Shinawatra “And no, I don’t know what happened to those twelve Thai dissidents who went missing last week.” Mr Shinawatra also refused to find the fact that his former political party was called Thai Rak even remotely funny.


Stoke City FC – Bob Journeyman
Stoke City’s summer signings have already been called “Pissing onto the bonfire of failure.” by their manager Tony Pulis. “Really, it’s just too depressing to think about” he continued “The top clubs can pay millions for players they won’t even use, and what have I got to work with? Less money than a one-legged hooker in Utah. What’s the fucking point?”

Pulis admitted that not even he could name half the current Stoke squad – “One of them used to play for Derby, I think”, he commented – and he is doubtful that any further additions to the team will be enough to ensure their premiership survival.

“I’ve signed that lad from Reading – seems a nice enough sort – but seriously, come on. £5m for a ginger bloke? There’s something not right about that.” Pulis has also signed Bob Journeyman, a 37-year-old striker who is good in the air, tough in the tackle and, Pulis admitted, “Long in the tooth”.

Journeyman’s previous clubs have included Crawley Town, Ebbsfleet United, Forfar, Port Vale, Aldershot, Yeovil, Kettering, Brechin, Oldham, Swansea, Partick, Morecambe, Leicester, Doncaster and, rather bizarrely, real Madrid.

“Keep Your Filthy Paws Off Our Women” Immigrants Warned

New Arrivals "Better Mind Their P's & Q's" Minister Warns

An information pack for newly-arrived immigrants has been proposed by Communities Secretary Hazel Blears, in order to “Notify these dreadful people that they’re on civilised soil now and whatever passed for acceptable behaviour back in umbo-jungo land won’t be tolerated by decent British people.”

“I don’t think anyone can reasonably deny that foreigners are going to come over here, whatever our deeply-held reservations are about the whole sordid affair.” Ms Blears continued “But if they think they’re going to waltz down my street and manhandle my daughters, they’ve got a shock coming, I can tell you.”

The information pack will also be available as a DVD because, as Ms Blears explained “Half of them can’t even read, you know, but they’re never short of a wide screen television and an Xbox, are they? And who pays for all that? You, me and every other Joe Muggins that drag themselves to work every day, that’s who.”

The information pack will contain the following advice:

· Keep your bloody hands off our women or you’ll have some sense thrashed into you, you damned savage.
· Stay away from the firewater if you plan on driving a car. You know how it inflames your baser instincts.
· For goodness’ sake close your windows when you’re cooking. Half the street won’t want to smell whatever spicy-smelling swill that passes for food in your godforsaken region.
· You will respect the law in this land, by thunder and you’ll show proper deference for your betters.
· Turn off that awful racket that you dare to call music. Britons have no time for your rhythmic, gyrating cacophony. Go to your local library and ask (POLITELY, mind you) to be directed to the Vaughn Williams albums.
· Learn the lingo. I refuse to debase my mouth with that gibberish of yours.
· Keep. Your. Bloody. Hands. Off. Our. Women. I can’t make it any clearer than that. You’ve been warned.