US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death

Ritual Slaughter Of Foreigners “Part Of Healing Process” Says Mayor

As part of the memorial service for the seventh anniversary of 9/11, officials in New York are to round up seven vaguely Arabic-looking homeless men and allow widows of the tragedy to shoe them to death.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg explained “The wounds caused by this terrorist atrocity are still very fresh in the minds of New Yorkers. Every day, we look up to the skyline and see two great monuments to the American dream are missing. And every day, we look down onto the sidewalk and see a heap of swarthy looking A-rabs walking around the place laughing at us.”

“Today is a day for saying ‘Fuck you, Johnny Iraq. We run this goddam planet and here’s a dose of all-American size 12s in the nuts for a reminder.”

The ceremony, due to take place at Ground Zero next to remnants of crushed filing cabinet and unidentified stockbroker teeth, will see the seven terrified, innocent immigrants tied to flagpoles flying the stars and stripes. The Jonas Brothers, America’s latest horrifying fundamentalist teen sensations, will sing a mournful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.

Then, as the sun slowly sets over the Hudson river, 47 screeching widows will rip lumps out of the blameless wretches, mouthing incoherent xenophobia and flinging gobbets of warm middle-eastern flesh into the baying crowd.

The ritual slaughter is just one of the many events planned in New York. As the traditional gift for the seventh anniversary is wool or copper, officials will also free 911 sheep into the streets of the city and give locals lengths of piping to bludgeon them to death with.

A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

New York resident Minsky Ebbsfleet said “We took a hell of a licking seven years ago, yessiree. But we wanna show the world that there ain’t no brown in the Big Apple.”

Murdering 9/11 Scum Promised ‘Fair Trial’

"May They Rot In Hell If Or When They're Found Guilty" Says Chertoff



US Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff has promised the six suspects of the 9/11 bombings “An unbiased, just hearing before sending them straight to juddering, screaming hell on Old Sparky.”

Facing charges of murder, conspiracy and being goddamn A-rabs, the six men will be tried by military tribunal. Under US International law, the tribunal system is seen as the fairest way of dealing with the “Kebab-munching motherfuckers that pissed on old glory”, in the words of one senior US official.

Human Rights groups have raised fears about the fairness of the trials, but Chertoff assured the press that “Being screamed at in a courtroom full of guys packing heat will not be intimidating for the terrorists. Sorry, ‘suspects’. After all, we had to near-drown them, pound the tar out of them and make them eat their own shit before they’d confess. Being bulldozed through the legal process will be like a cakewalk in comparison.”

Two of the suspects, Khalid Ebbsfleet & Ramzi Knutsford, have appealed against the tribunal hearing, asking for the case to be heard in a US civilian court. As a precautionary measure, Chertoff has already assembled a jury consisting of New York firemen, widowed pilots and Rush Limbaugh.

Pre-trial hearings have given some indication of the evidence the prosecution will be relying on. Leading up to the 9/11 bombings, several of the suspects were seen ‘Looking like that sonofabitch Saddam’ by security services. At least one suspect was heard by startled co-workers to say “Man. America sucks, don’t it?” just two days before the attack. And all suspects allegedly ran away from heavily-armed security operatives screaming “What have I done? What have I done? Please, help me!”, which CIA experts have taken as a clear indication of guilt.

“It would be quite wrong of me to comment on a trial before it has taken place” said Chertoff “All I would say is that America cannot, and will not, tolerate foreign, shifty-looking cocksuckers who refuse to own up to what they did.”