Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

“Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

“Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

“We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

Mystic Brian & The FA Cup 5th Round Draw

Football Predictions Hot Off The Ether


After yesterday’s FA Cup 5th round draw, Mystic Brian has gazed into his crystal palace ball to see who will emerge victorious:


I see red & white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

I see a capital city full of joy. Men are running around the streets singing. Except for two of them - one has a big nose and more houses than Barratt and the other chap has an expression of permanent surprise/dismay. They tried running for 10 yards but had to stop through exhaustion. The black feller threw up into his hands.
Cardiff to beat Wolves

What is this? A prophecy? "The men of steel are resolute. Their will is unbreakable. Hewn from the very metal of the earth are they. They shall not bend, nor shall they break. But after 85 minutes of woefully inept football Aliadiere will bundle one over the line with his arse."
Middlesbrough to beat Sheffield United

Virgil once wrote: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts. But beware fat Americans bearing £400 million quid of somebody else's money even more." I see a turbulent sea, dotted with dodgy facial hair and banners talking about victories long since past. They shall not walk alone but they will probably got knocked out in the next round when they actually have to play a team that knows what the goal looks like.
Liverpool to beat Barnsley

I see two great titans locked in mortal combat. I see two mighty armies pitched in glorious battle. I see a Leicester man with big ears using the phrase "Tie of the round" several hundred times. I see a flame-haired man being described as "exploding from midfield - he's the best around for that" shortly before tripping over the ball. I see a vast arena eerily silent, at least until that greasy Portugese bastard flukes one in just before half time.
Manchester United to beat Arsenal.

Through the dim mists of time I see the men of the north running around a muddy pitch sporting great big handlebar moustaches and smoking a pipe to celebrate their victory. The mists clear as we move toward the present day. I see a fallen giant currently about as appealing to watch as obese granny porn. They will, however, emerge triumphant.
Preston to beat Portsmouth

The men of middle earth come face to face. But the outcome will be as important to the final reckoning as a gazelle's opinion on Third World Debt is to the lion who is eating him. I predict an ordeal more dour than a hungover Gordon Brown waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. Eventually, one side will go through, because the universe can stand only so much suffering. I see a standup comedian being picked out in the stands.
West Brom to beat Coventry

The crystal ball shows me many allegorical situations. Brian Blessed sitting on a meringue. A child with brittle bones being hit in the face with an armored personnel carrier. A snowman trying to juggle eighteen blowtorches. A mouse with broken legs, dipped in taramasalata, being kicked through a cat sanctuary. What can all this mean?
Chelsea to beat Huddersfield