Christopher Reeve "Better Off Gurning His Trap Away" Says Professor

“Waving One’s Hands In The Air Like One Just Doesn’t Care” Recommended

In an article for the Journal of Psychopharmacology, a leading professor has pointed out that ecstasy-taking is much safer than horse riding as it "Has far fewer instances of neck injuries, doesn't turn you into a chinless twat and has killed a lot less Superman actors."

Professor David Knutt advises "Any youth wondering whether to enter a gymkhana or fuck their nut off in a field listening to 180 bpm gabba hardcore needs to be aware of the relative dangers."

In a five year study, Professor Knutt monitored the relative injuries of two distinct groups – one set of inbred, horsey types with names such as ‘Tamara’ and “Ffion” and one set of saucer-eyed serotonin vampires called “Geeza” and “Woot”.

Common injuries amongst the first group were typically broken bones from horse falls, as well as minor ailments such as torn rectums from boarding school-related activities. Fatalities, though rare, were consistent with forcing a one-ton animal at a brick wall he’d much prefer not to jump over.

The latter group fared better, with only a handful of deaths. These were typically from over-hydration as ecstasy users often gulp water like a Gobi desert to avoid dehydration. Common minor ailments occurred from flying whistles, allergies to Vicks Vapo Rub and repetitive strain injuries to elbows from ‘Giving it up for the Essex massiiiiiive.”

“Despite the scare stories following the death of Leah Betts from one E tablet and a litre of vodka, regular consumption of the drug shows a far smaller risk of death than horse riding” concludes Dr Knutt in his report. “It’s not to say such behaviour is totally without risk. Tinnitus, inability to string sentences together and woeful record collections are all negative side effects.”

Yelping scare factory and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has dismissed the professor’s report as “Dangerously grounded in research and facts.” In a press statement conducted while stroking a small doll with its eyes stabbed out, Smith stated “Once again I’ve ridden roughshod over the advice of an expert employed to give the government advice. If this surprises you, it’s only fair to warn you that the sun will rise tomorrow and Jude Law will continue to be an irreparable cunt.”

In direct contradiction to Dr Knutt’s findings, Smith is expected to push through a bill making the act of “Having it large” punishable by death.

Unscientific Bollocks “Unscientific Bollocks” Say Experts

Herbal Menopause Treatment Defended By Deluded Con Artists

The Drugs And Therapeutics Bulletin (DTB) have today announced that herbal treatments for the symptoms of menopause are “About as effective as burying a chicken kiev in your back garden during a full moon.” Studies into the usefulness of treatments such as Red Clover, Dong Quai and Old Wichitty’s Wholesome Tincture have shown that women suffering from the menopause “Might as well use the money spent on herbal remedies buying a bottle of Chardonnay and a dildo”.

A survey of 1,000 menopausal women conducted by a team of frankly terrified researchers showed that 40% of subjects had tried complementary not-really-medicines without informing their GP. A spokesman for the GMC stated “Personally, I’d much rather we installed an HRT-patch vending machine in the waiting room and have done with it. But it really does help us do our job properly if patients can refrain from medicating themselves with the contents of some fraudulent quack’s pot pourri bowl.”

Jenny Jones of The Herb Society has defended the efficacy of overpriced twigs, claiming “A lack of evidence does not necessarily mean a lack of effect. For instance, there is virtually no evidence that the foul-tasting tinctures I knock up in my Poggen Pohl kitchen will stop menopausal women from feeling like a cocaine addict going through grief counselling. But the effect of selling these preparations at £30 a pop – the loveliness of my aforementioned Poggen Pohl kitchen – cannot be denied.”

The DTB were quick to refute Jones’ claim that lack of evidence was reason enough to stop trying to swindle distressed middle-aged women. One DTB person explained “There is no evidence, for example, to suggest that me going round to Jones’ house and beating her around the neck with a medical text book will force her to stop making illogical and dangerous statements. So as much as I’d really love to, I won’t.”

Jones has insisted that “These remedies do work for some women” but the DTB insisted that “If I gave enough cancer patients a rubdown with a copy of “Blakes 7” on DVD, a few of them might get better. It doesn’t alter the fact that using it as a treatment is complete cock.”

When asked whether the DTB intended to highlight the utter guff that passes for herbal medicine to Britain’s menopausal women, they replied “Do we want to tell a bunch of mean-tempered women with very little to lose that they’ve been taken for chumps? Do you have any other stupid fucking questions while you’re at it? Jesus.”

Rising Stars Of Glastonbury Named

“Angry Shitcake Will Shift Massive Units” Says Eavis

With Glastonbury 2008 due to kick off tomorrow, upside-down-headed organiser Michael Eavis has given Pushjelly the lowdown on the potential breakthrough acts in this year’s festival:

Angry Shitcake
“These fellers do 4000bpm backstep speedgore better than anyone else in the business. Expect them to be huge by this time next year. Almost as huge, in fact, as the camping area at this year’s festival, where tickets are still available.”

The North Korean Relativist Symphonia
“They’re headlining our Global Classical tent on Saturday and the punters should be prepared to be blown away. They play slowed-down Bach using water cannons and tear gas canisters. It’s like watching that film ‘Amadeus’ during a heroin-fuelled riot. Almost as relaxing as the many aromatherapy tents onsite, which people can visit should they buy some of the remaining tickets.”

How! NOW Brown? Cow;
“Experimental folkpunk. Hayseed Ebbsfleet sings about his times as a leek wrangler in Romania. It’s an explosion of fiddles, fireworks and badly tarmacked drives. The Fanzine ‘Folk Me’ said they make the entire works of Bob Dylan not only redundant, but unemployable. It’s their only UK gig this year, so if you want to see them, I think Ticketmaster still has a few hundred tickets left.”

Shakin Stevens
“I’m going to level with you here – I’m not really sure how this feller got onto the bill. My daughter says he was doing some landscape gardening for her, odd jobs, stuff like that and he asked whether there was any chance of appearing at this year’s festival. She assumed he was asking for tickets – which can still be purchased online – and she said she’d see what she could do. Next thing we know we get a backstage rider request for 300 slices of rarebit and enough Brain’s Bitter to drown a zebra.”


Eavis went on to defend the lineup, which many attribute to the falling ticket sales. “Look, I could bung a pig on the stage, get him to run across a ladder full of spoons and 70,000 skunked-up halfwits would still show up. But if we don’t sell out this year, Greenpeace can take a diving fuck at a spinning donut for any contributions.”

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot

“She’s Gone Totally Gascoigne” Says Backbencher

Britain’s burgeoning drug addict population were essentially told to “Get on the rob, quick-smart” by the increasingly-frantic Home Secretary Jacqui Smith yesterday as she unleashed a fistful of eccentric policies on an unprepared public.

Most notable amongst the scatterbrained edicts was that in future, drug addicts would lose their benefits unless agreeing to treatment. “We, or rather I, think that by taking away what little legitimate money drug addicts can get to feed their habits, this will force them into rehabilitation.” said Smith.

Many experts feel that rehabilitation only works with willing subjects and that enforced poverty will essentially compel drug addicts into criminal behaviour. But Smith was adamant. “I am aware of the mountains of evidence that contradict my view, but by screwing my eyes shut and screaming the theme tune to Space Pirates, I can blot that out easily enough.”

Other policies unveiled in Smith’s white paper entitled “Drugs Smell Of Poo & I Hate Them 4 Eva” included:

If your name sounds a bit like a drug, a policeman will follow you around for the rest of your life in case you do something bad. Knutsford MP Simon Cockayne has described the plan as “Madder than a Yardie’s dog.”

Ofsted inspectors will mark down any school where pupils can name more than eight synonyms for marijuana.

Anybody who has that poster from ‘Scarface’ in their house can expect twelve hairy-arsed bailiffs to kick through their door at 5am, have some indecipherable court papers waved under their nose, then watch as they ransack their house for anything of value.

All GPs will be compelled to tell patients, at every single visit, ‘Stop smoking. Stop iiiit. Stooooop smoooookiiiing. Dooooon’t. Sooooooop smooooking.’. Whether they smoke or not.

Children of drug addicts will be dragged through the streets by a fat beadle singing ‘Boy For Sale’ like Harry Secombe did in ‘Oliver!’

Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”