Government To Nationalise Clarkson

“If This £20M Takeover Was A Car, It Would Be An Enzo” Boasts Darling

As the motoring industry posted a 37% downturn on cars sold compared with November 2007, the government has stepped in with an emergency buyout of Jeremy Clarkson. A controlling share of the 48-year-old writer, presenter and bigot was purchased by the treasury last night at a cost of £20M.

“We hope to revitalise the car-purchasing giant by an injection of much-needed money. We appreciate, as it’s your money we’re spending, that it’s probably much-needed by you too, but the cheque has been cashed now so there’s very little we can do about it” said Darling this morning.

While Clarkson will remain nominally in control of himself regarding day-to-day issues such as styling his 1980s footballer hair, the government’s 51% share will allow them to intervene in key decisions. “Government control will ensure that Clarkson remains focussed on his key responsibilities – buying lots of cars he doesn’t really need in an attempt to shore up his understandably fragile ego and encouraging others to do the same” said one treasury spokesman.

It is claimed that the furore over Clarkson’s recent jibes at lorry drivers, his frequent homophobic remarks and every item of clothing he has bought since 1992 could have been avoided under governmental control.

The Top Gear presenter met with the press outside his Chipping Norton home to discuss the government buyout. “Now that I belong to Alistair Darling, I don’t want everyone to feel I’ve become slightly beige, somewhat beardy, a little – how can I put it? - light in the wrist area. For that reason I’m going to drive this little beauty” – at this point he indicated a Scorpion tank parked in his driveway – “all the way to France…then blow up some sheep.” He then went on explain that his two Top Gear co-presenters would be racing him to France on a tandem bike and good-naturedly jesting about what an odious heap of dung he is.

Alistair Darling defended Clarkson’s latest stunt, stating “We knew when we took over Clarkson that it would be a controversial purchase. But we’re confident that he’ll soon be re-energising the British car industry by tearing around an air-field in a Morgan sports car and making tortuous similes about how fast it corners.”

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling

Five Years Of Economic Misery ‘Cleansing’ Says Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling has defended the UK’s nosedive into a financial dungheap by saying it will “Rid this fine country of the many, many people that hold us back from greatness.”

Launching his new financial initiative, entitled “Less Moaning Bastards For A Better Britain”, Darling stated “Our economy has blossomed under a Labour government, leading to the best standard of living this country has ever seen. An Xbox in every bedroom and an iPod in every pocket, to paraphrase Herbert Hoover.”

“However, economic models throughout the ages have followed the Hegelian model of thesis, antithesis and synthesis. Or to put it another way, we’ve had it sweet for a while, so now we’re up shit street without an A-Z.”

Listing the key areas in which the economy has crashed like a drunken, texting lorry driver into a bus queue, Darling outlined how this will improve the country as a whole:

Property Market: “The general trend has been for a steady rise in property values across the UK. While this has led to increased financial security for many families, it has also led to endless, tedious bastard conversations about how much the nominal value on a chosen heap of masonry has increased over twelve months. Jesus, I’d rather talk about goat farming.”

“And then there’s estate agents. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fuckfucks. A slump in the housing market will realign the public’s perception of what a house is actually for – it’s somewhere to fall into after the pubs have shut.”

Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

“But the average age of the UK’s population currently stands at 78. Skyrocketing gas bills combined with a really cold snap round about February will ease the nation’s hospital, pension and cat food burden immeasurably.”

Petrol Prices: “As mentioned above, I really don’t want to wake up in a ditch somewhere with my knees broken and my head on fire, so whatever they want to charge for petrol is fine by me, as long as they leave my bollocks unchewed.”

“But if a litre of petrol eventually costs more than a bottle of 30-year-old single malt whiskey, it will mean that unbearable turds zooming around in their Range Rovers will disappear overnight. And it will piss that Clarkson feller off no end, which can’t be a bad thing.”

Food Bills: “Most of you are too fucking fat anyway. Simple as.”

Darling’s economic strategy has been hailed by financial experts, with one saying “Politics has been dubbed ‘the art of the possible’ but Darling has shown it’s really the art of being a pragmatic, heartless prick.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Bigger MPs Did It & Ran Away, Says Darling

At a press conference to explain why the UK economy is going down the shitpan faster than a greased turd, Chancellor Alistair Darling stated that “It wasn’t me, it was some bigger MPs from across the road.” With fuel prices and house prices going respectively up and down like a wanker’s elbow, Darling explained “I came in to work one day and there was already three big MPs sat in my office. They’d thrown the economy all around the room and all messed it up.”

“I told them to stop but they just laughed and threw the rate of interest at me. When I threatened to tell Gordon Brown, they said they’d tell everyone in the House of Commons they’d caught me kissing a dog, with tongues and everything.”


Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

Republican Vice President candidate Sarah Palin has topped FHM’s list of hate-fucks for 2008. A late surge in voting after her nomination saw her win out in the list of women FHM readers think are really obnoxious but still wouldn’t mind slapping wrinkles with.

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”


90 Flood Dead ‘Not American’ Say Reuters

International news agency Reuters have confirmed that the 90 people who died in recent floods, devastating their families and laying bare human grief at its most extreme, were not American. “As such”, said Reuters person Tingly Knutsford “Their families have got some fucking brass neck banging on like somebody gives a crispy shit about it.”

The 90 casualties, along with the 650,000 rescued survivors were from “Some um-bongo place near the Himalayas” said Knutsford “India? Bangladesh? One of those. Like anyone could frig less where.”
Knutsford went on to say that as long as the price of Nikes didn’t go up, they could wade through chest-deep water for the rest of their lives as far as he was concerned. He then went into a detailed account of a New Orleans family that might have to wait six weeks before their insurance company ponies up for a new Lexus.

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”

“You Have To Earn The Right To Get Shitfaced” Says MP

The Conservative MP for Knutsford, Sir Ingram Ebbsfleet, has proposed a taxation plan to “Stop those ghastly little poor people from daring to have fun.”

The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

Not all alcoholic drinks will be affected by the proposed rise in duty, however. “There’ll be no price change on stuff like Montrachet or Quinta De Noval” said Ebbsfleet “Lord knows they’re pricey enough as it is. And a good bottle of Talisker isn’t going to be affected. Really speaking, it’s just going to be the fizzy, sugary stuff the oiks use.”

Ebbsfleet also plans to place warning lables on the affected drinks, such as “Shouldn’t you be looking for work?” and “Drunkenness leads to sloth, young man”

The taxation plans will affect more than just alcoholic drinks. Wide-screen televisions, sovereign rings and tracksuits will all have duty on them trebled under the new scheme. “Basically anything that gets your average council house dweller hot under the collar” said Ebbsfleet.

The move was dismissed by Chancellor Alistair Darling, however. “The Tories can propose whatever they want, frankly, because they don’t run this fucking country – we do. They can suggest giving every pensioner in the UK a pet lion for all I care. It won’t make a lick of frigging difference at the end of the day, because our boy’s in number 10. People will do what we say and damned well like it.”