Government To Nationalise Clarkson

“If This £20M Takeover Was A Car, It Would Be An Enzo” Boasts Darling

As the motoring industry posted a 37% downturn on cars sold compared with November 2007, the government has stepped in with an emergency buyout of Jeremy Clarkson. A controlling share of the 48-year-old writer, presenter and bigot was purchased by the treasury last night at a cost of £20M.

“We hope to revitalise the car-purchasing giant by an injection of much-needed money. We appreciate, as it’s your money we’re spending, that it’s probably much-needed by you too, but the cheque has been cashed now so there’s very little we can do about it” said Darling this morning.

While Clarkson will remain nominally in control of himself regarding day-to-day issues such as styling his 1980s footballer hair, the government’s 51% share will allow them to intervene in key decisions. “Government control will ensure that Clarkson remains focussed on his key responsibilities – buying lots of cars he doesn’t really need in an attempt to shore up his understandably fragile ego and encouraging others to do the same” said one treasury spokesman.

It is claimed that the furore over Clarkson’s recent jibes at lorry drivers, his frequent homophobic remarks and every item of clothing he has bought since 1992 could have been avoided under governmental control.

The Top Gear presenter met with the press outside his Chipping Norton home to discuss the government buyout. “Now that I belong to Alistair Darling, I don’t want everyone to feel I’ve become slightly beige, somewhat beardy, a little – how can I put it? - light in the wrist area. For that reason I’m going to drive this little beauty” – at this point he indicated a Scorpion tank parked in his driveway – “all the way to France…then blow up some sheep.” He then went on explain that his two Top Gear co-presenters would be racing him to France on a tandem bike and good-naturedly jesting about what an odious heap of dung he is.

Alistair Darling defended Clarkson’s latest stunt, stating “We knew when we took over Clarkson that it would be a controversial purchase. But we’re confident that he’ll soon be re-energising the British car industry by tearing around an air-field in a Morgan sports car and making tortuous similes about how fast it corners.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”