Teachers Offered ‘Golden Stab Vests’

£10K In BUPA Vouchers For Hard Case Teachers

Teachers who agree to be systematically ignored by the progeny of the underclass in Britain’s worst schools are to be offered £10,000 a year extra in a carefully-worded bribe to be outlined by Gordon Brown today. The deal, to be officially termed as a “Pre-emptive injury settlement” hopes to entice teaching professionals to abandon what little hope they had for enriching young minds in exchange for a fat wad of cash.

“This deal is in recognition of all the difficult work education-givers do in our most troubled schools” said junior Education Minister Chips Ebbsfleet. “If teachers want tearful scenes of appreciation that they’ve proven massively influential in a teenager’s education, then I suggest they buy a copy of ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ and shut the fuck up.”

The payment is to be offered to teachers working in worst-performing schools in the country. NUT person Hoop Knutsford stated “I will be recommending this scheme to all NUT members on the basis that teaching fuck-all to a bunch of subhuman scrotes in exchange for an extra ten large is a no-brainer, even for somebody with such a lack of employment opportunities that they end up being a teacher. We still get all those holidays and the chance to look up the skirts of the sixth-formers, right?”

Applications for teaching posts in schools serving sink estates have trebled following the news. One education recruitment consultant stated “We’re getting hundreds of CVs from aggressive borderline psychopaths with poor pass marks in their PGCE. Many of them realise that ten grand buys a lot of the illegal tasers and brass knucks necessary for the role. And coping with the stress isn’t going to be an issue as they’ll be confiscating enough narcotics from the pupils to bring Keith Moon back to life.”

If the scheme proves a success, the government will be looking at other financial inducements for teachers. These are expected to be on the provisos they avoid getting any pupils pregnant and promise to stop bastard well moaning about doing a five hour day for forty weeks of the year.

In the meantime, many educators have welcomed the move with one unnamed PE teacher saying “Let’s see if I’ve got this right. I spent three years dicking about at some lowbrow ex-polytechnic followed by another couple of years scraping a PGCE, all the while getting bursaries and the like, yes?

“And now they want to give me an extra ten grand for chucking a football at a bunch of mini gangsters and telling them to get on with it for a couple of hours? I tell you what, it’s money for fucking jam, this teaching lark.”

University Students ‘Forced To Know Stuff’

Knowledge-Based Initiations ‘Cruel’, Say NUS

Several universities are under investigation after allegations were made by former students that they were to take part in bizarre and degrading initiation rites. Amongst the allegations are claims that before being allowed entry into some universities, students were made to “Display the ability to comprehend complex concepts” and “Show understanding of a particular topic through properly-structured essays and reports.”

One secretly-filmed video, believed to be an entrance interview for Trinity College Cambridge, shows an elderly man subjecting a young female student to a barrage of humiliating questions. The fifteen-minute clip shows a university professor repeatedly asking the unnamed student about her aptitude to study English literature, her knowledge of Chaucer and Shakespeare and her understanding of post-structuralist theory. At one point, the leering don is heard asking the clearly-shaken student to show him her A level results.

NUS spokesman Bradley Ebbsfleet said “Some of the reports we’ve heard are horrific. One Durham student was forced into a room with 35 other students, where they were locked in for over two hours. They weren’t allowed to leave until they’d written 4,000 words on The Council Of Trent, including citations. When one of them complained that he’d planned to spend the day fucking around in Starbucks, he was told he’d be kicked off the course if he refused.”

The initiation rituals, known as ‘examining’, are believed to be spreading to universities across the country, according to Ebbsfleet. “Students just want to fit in and be part of a group. It used to be the case that an undergraduate could do that by simply drinking cider all day and making their hair look like a bungled gorilla abortion. But in many universities, students risk not completing GTA IV because they’re forced to read lots of books, do research and - in extreme cases – reach independent conclusions on subject matters based on logic and reasoning.”

The rise of ‘examining’ students is a throwback to twenty years ago, when the practise was commonplace on campus, according to Ebbsfleet. “In those days, a university would think nothing of forcing a student to go to over 20 hours of lectures a week and would punish anybody that failed to show a good grasp of their subject matter by giving them a low final mark. This used to be known as ‘grading’.”
Ebbsfleet has called for a ban on these practises and has warned all students to be careful when choosing a university. “It’s easy to tell students that have been the victim of ‘grading’ rites” said Ebbsfleet “As they are the students that actually know what they’re talking about on a given subject and look vaguely employable."

"Let's Punch Britain Thin" Says Health Secretary

Government Enlist School Bullies In Obesity Fight


Health Secretary Alan Johnson has turned to the nation’s school bullies in his latest bid to fight childhood obesity in a white paper entitled “Blobby Bastards – A Growing Concern”.

“This government has always looked for innovative solutions to national problems” said Johnson “And with this in mind, I call upon the bullies, tormentors and young sadists of the UK to take up the challenge to browbeat Britain thin.”

In the new scheme, each academic year would have a Named Bully whose campaigns of physical and psychological abuse would earn them partial credits toward their GCSE exams. In conjunction with head teachers, overweight children would be awarded ‘Fat Little Fuck’ status and a planned schedule of wedgies, name-calling & emotional scarring put into place.

“I’m all for this” said Tupac Ebbsfleet, a 14-year-old bully attending Knutsford Secondary Modern School. “For several years I’ve been independently making whale noises around fat kids, laughing at them in PE changing rooms and the like. It’s good to know that in the future my hard work will be recognised.”

All-knowing guru Raj Persaud said the scheme would work on established psychological principles. “It’s been scientifically proven that fat kids are weak, easily manipulated and live in daily fear of being ostracised by their peers. A well-planned system of bullying would re-educate their eating habits, making them realise that stuffing their piggy little fucking faces with chips all day is no good for them. I’d estimate that approximately three months of sustained, organised bullying would help them decrease their weight significantly. ”

And the scheme has been given celebrity backing by irritating face-mistake Jamie Oliver. “I’m all for helping kids lose weight. I got the ball rolling by calling thousands of blameless dinner ladies a bunch of useless cuntrags. I think it was important for me to point out that if I can make organic, nutritionally balanced menus in my frigging enormous home, they can do the same for 300 ungrateful, braying brats while earning minimum wage. If slapping a few fat kids can get them off the turkey twizzlers, then I’m right behind it. Geezer.”

The Health Secretary is expected to pilot the scheme “In some dreadful little northern town” next month, before rolling it out across the whole of Scotland in September 2008. “Have you seen the way those caber-munchers eat?” asked Johnson “A few less gallons of Tizer and laying off the deep-fried black pudding will do them the world of good.”

BNP Launch Education Policy

BNP Promises ‘Standards Of Bigotry’ For Under-10s

Nick Griffin has unveiled the BNP’s new education policy which promises that “Every child shall, by the age of ten, be proficient in a basic level of racial intolerance.”

Speaking at a party conference in Ebbsfleet, Griffin said “It breaks my heart to see Britain slipping behind other heathen nations in so many areas – standards of living, literacy and Nintendo Wii ownership. But we believe that a grass-roots approach to blind intolerance can once again make Britain great.”

Griffin went on to say what first inspired the new policy. “I was walking my Great British Bulldog 'Enoch' through the park not so long ago and heard two fourteen-year-olds playing by the swings. Imagine my disgust when I heard one of them call the other a ‘wop’. The boy was clearly of Spanish origin and the more correct ‘dago’ should have been used.

To think that a child could get to that age and not know the basic differences between a cowardly, greasy wop and a lazy, smelly dago makes me despair for our future.”

Under the BNP’s new scheme, a ‘Buddy System’ would be employed in primary schools, partnering pupils with elderly bigots to pass on their knowledge. “There is a great, untapped resource of thoughtless hatred in this country going to waste.” said Griffin “I, for one, do not believe that people should be placed on the scrapheap at the age of 65. Especially when they can pass on their years of experience making comments about ‘natural sense of rhythm’ and ‘breeding like flies’.”

Griffin has also asked television chiefs to get behind the BNP policy by bringing back programs such as ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ and ‘Mind Your Language’. Griffin added “If we could get the next Children In Need to be hosted by Jim Davidson dressed as ‘Chalky’ and Lenny Henry doing that one who shouted ‘Katanga!’, that would be a real boost.”

Under Griffin’s educational reform, by secondary school all pupils will have been tested in the following areas:

· Complaining about cookery smells
· Work Experience – who is stealing all our jobs and why
· Sporting Dichotomy: Why foreigners who play for your team are different
· The Five Basic Welfare Scams Of The Darkie
· Elementary name-calling