University Students ‘Forced To Know Stuff’

Knowledge-Based Initiations ‘Cruel’, Say NUS

Several universities are under investigation after allegations were made by former students that they were to take part in bizarre and degrading initiation rites. Amongst the allegations are claims that before being allowed entry into some universities, students were made to “Display the ability to comprehend complex concepts” and “Show understanding of a particular topic through properly-structured essays and reports.”

One secretly-filmed video, believed to be an entrance interview for Trinity College Cambridge, shows an elderly man subjecting a young female student to a barrage of humiliating questions. The fifteen-minute clip shows a university professor repeatedly asking the unnamed student about her aptitude to study English literature, her knowledge of Chaucer and Shakespeare and her understanding of post-structuralist theory. At one point, the leering don is heard asking the clearly-shaken student to show him her A level results.

NUS spokesman Bradley Ebbsfleet said “Some of the reports we’ve heard are horrific. One Durham student was forced into a room with 35 other students, where they were locked in for over two hours. They weren’t allowed to leave until they’d written 4,000 words on The Council Of Trent, including citations. When one of them complained that he’d planned to spend the day fucking around in Starbucks, he was told he’d be kicked off the course if he refused.”

The initiation rituals, known as ‘examining’, are believed to be spreading to universities across the country, according to Ebbsfleet. “Students just want to fit in and be part of a group. It used to be the case that an undergraduate could do that by simply drinking cider all day and making their hair look like a bungled gorilla abortion. But in many universities, students risk not completing GTA IV because they’re forced to read lots of books, do research and - in extreme cases – reach independent conclusions on subject matters based on logic and reasoning.”

The rise of ‘examining’ students is a throwback to twenty years ago, when the practise was commonplace on campus, according to Ebbsfleet. “In those days, a university would think nothing of forcing a student to go to over 20 hours of lectures a week and would punish anybody that failed to show a good grasp of their subject matter by giving them a low final mark. This used to be known as ‘grading’.”
Ebbsfleet has called for a ban on these practises and has warned all students to be careful when choosing a university. “It’s easy to tell students that have been the victim of ‘grading’ rites” said Ebbsfleet “As they are the students that actually know what they’re talking about on a given subject and look vaguely employable."

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne


Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

"Let's Punch Britain Thin" Says Health Secretary

Government Enlist School Bullies In Obesity Fight


Health Secretary Alan Johnson has turned to the nation’s school bullies in his latest bid to fight childhood obesity in a white paper entitled “Blobby Bastards – A Growing Concern”.

“This government has always looked for innovative solutions to national problems” said Johnson “And with this in mind, I call upon the bullies, tormentors and young sadists of the UK to take up the challenge to browbeat Britain thin.”

In the new scheme, each academic year would have a Named Bully whose campaigns of physical and psychological abuse would earn them partial credits toward their GCSE exams. In conjunction with head teachers, overweight children would be awarded ‘Fat Little Fuck’ status and a planned schedule of wedgies, name-calling & emotional scarring put into place.

“I’m all for this” said Tupac Ebbsfleet, a 14-year-old bully attending Knutsford Secondary Modern School. “For several years I’ve been independently making whale noises around fat kids, laughing at them in PE changing rooms and the like. It’s good to know that in the future my hard work will be recognised.”

All-knowing guru Raj Persaud said the scheme would work on established psychological principles. “It’s been scientifically proven that fat kids are weak, easily manipulated and live in daily fear of being ostracised by their peers. A well-planned system of bullying would re-educate their eating habits, making them realise that stuffing their piggy little fucking faces with chips all day is no good for them. I’d estimate that approximately three months of sustained, organised bullying would help them decrease their weight significantly. ”

And the scheme has been given celebrity backing by irritating face-mistake Jamie Oliver. “I’m all for helping kids lose weight. I got the ball rolling by calling thousands of blameless dinner ladies a bunch of useless cuntrags. I think it was important for me to point out that if I can make organic, nutritionally balanced menus in my frigging enormous home, they can do the same for 300 ungrateful, braying brats while earning minimum wage. If slapping a few fat kids can get them off the turkey twizzlers, then I’m right behind it. Geezer.”

The Health Secretary is expected to pilot the scheme “In some dreadful little northern town” next month, before rolling it out across the whole of Scotland in September 2008. “Have you seen the way those caber-munchers eat?” asked Johnson “A few less gallons of Tizer and laying off the deep-fried black pudding will do them the world of good.”