“Bezz Fuggin Mate” Sighted Over Heathrow

“They Made Me Phone My Ex Girlfriend” Said Dishevelled Pilot

Newly-released MOD files have revealed dozens of UFO sightings over Britain in the last twenty years reported by airline pilots and members of the public. One incident in 1991 records “Strange, bottle-shaped craft” being reported by pilot Sid Ebbsfleet on his approach to Heathrow. The encounter caused Ebbsfleet to fly the plane erratically and he believes the aliens used “mind-rays or something” on him as he attempted to land.

“I remember the day specifically as before we took off I’d had a blazing row with my girlfriend over things I definitely didn’t do with her sister. I’d spent a couple of hours in the airport bar, sipping just a diet coke and nothing else to calm myself down. As we were taking off I started to feel the effects of the alien’s mind control taking over as they forced me to argue with my co-pilot about who England’s best ever goalkeeper was.”

The strange phenomena continued throughout the flight, with passengers seeing Ebbsfleet stagger up and down the plane in search of the toilet, attempting to rouse them into a chorus of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. As the flight began its final descent into Heathrow, Ebbsfleet caught a glimpse of the craft that had been causing his mental disturbance.

“It was a weird, out-of-body sensation. It felt like I was actually huddled in the corner of the cockpit hugging a giant Toblerone rather than being sat in the pilot’s chair. As I looked out of the window I could see several small bottle-shaped craft whiz across my field of vision. I think they were trying to communicate with me via my co-pilot, but their translation technology must not be as advanced as they think, because it just sounded like he was calling me a drunken cock-end.”

Ebbsfleet‘s trauma continued even after he’d left the plane. “I think I angered the aliens with my resistance to their brain-manipulation because on my way out of Heathrow, they forced me to call my ex to call her a lying frigid bitch, fall over and throw up outside of Boots. It was a terrifying experience.”

Ebbsfleet’s encounter is just one of dozens listed in the MOD archives. These range from unusual light formations spotted in the sky to letters from people claiming to be stranded aliens. Swivel-eyed moron and Ufologist Dr Kenneth Knutsford claims “These files are dynamite and definite proof of alien contact. We are not alone. Well, I live in a bedsit, but you know what I mean.”

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne


Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

Plot To Murder Thousands Of Soldiers Uncovered

MOD Reveals Extent Of Taliban Campaign


The Ministry Of Defence has today revealed a plot to murder thousands more British troops. Following on from revelations in the Parviz Khan ‘Beheading Plot’ trial, Field Marshall Montague Ebbsfleet revealed “We have every reason to believe that Taliban troops dotted across Afghanistan are poised, as soon as the opportunity arises, to kill the many thousands of British soldiers stationed there.”

The plot was uncovered by military intelligence following several years of observation of Taliban movements. It seems that one of the main objectives of the Taliban forces has been to shoot at British soldiers with the hope of seriously wounding or killing them. The news has come as a shock to many ground troops.

“I just thought they were excited to see us, to be honest” said Private Clyde Driscoll, currently stationed outside Kabul. “My sergeant told me we were playing paintball with them. But to find out that there’s an organised, religious fundamentalist group that means British troops harm – well, it’s terrifying, isn’t it?”

Private Driscoll’s sentiments were echoed by many of the personnel currently serving in the armed forces, although most did not wish to be named. One stated “They didn’t mention this in the adverts, did they? I just thought I’d get my engineering degree, have a smart haircut, get pissed with my mates on a Friday and annoy the fuck out of locals near the barracks. But people plotting to kill us? That’s a bit fucking much.”

Gordon Brown has been quick to denounce the Taliban’s tactics of trying to kill British troops. “This barbarism cannot be prudently countenanced in a modern, progressive, free-market society. It is a sad fact that many of the people that British troops are opening fire at are actually trying to kill them.

They will stop at nothing to avoid being killed by our armed forces, resorting to running away, hiding or even disguising themselves as a school full of pupils. To point guns at our armed forces with the intent of firing back is an outrage we cannot tolerate. We shall not rest until every person that refuses to let us shoot at them is killed.”