Israel Runs Out Of Things To Bomb

Ceasefire Imminent As Army Picks Off Final Targets

Israel’s war with Hamas looks set to end today as it was confirmed that Israel had “Maybe two dozen targets left, give or take an orphanage or two.” Israeli military spokesman Ehud Ebbsfleet stated “Armed hostilities will taper off by the end of today as we finish off the last few missile-worthy targets. There’s a greengrocers near the Tel al Hawa area we’ve had our eye on and I know a lot of the lads have really been looking forward to flattening a massive big shed in downtown Gaza that’s somehow still upright. Once those sites have been reduced to a smoking heap of twisted rubble we’ll probably call it a day.”

The UN were in talks with Israel, looking for alternative solutions to end the war. One proposal was for the UN to build fake settlements out in the desert, complete with lifelike dummies of screaming women and children. There would then be an agreement to allow Israeli forces to unleash metallic fiery hell at the model encampment to their heart’s content. “They do love a good shelling, those Israeli fellers” said one UN delegate. “We thought if we gave them something else to blow up, they might lay off Palestine for a bit. Between you and I, it does really beg the question what exactly their problem is, doesn’t it?”

However, as indications became clear that nothing in Gaza taller than a middle-aged man has been left standing, the UN proposal now seems redundant. Many predict that tomorrow will see Israel deploy their unmanned, laser-guided flying spirit levels to assess the Gaza area for signs of unevenness. Assuming everyone in the area lays down as they pass, the shelling could cease for the time being.

But many international commentators question whether this will lead to long-term peace in the region. Clancy Fox, Professor of Middle Eastern Interminable Strife Studies for Knutsford University, stated “The political situation in this area is a long, entrenched and bloody story. Internecine struggles, religious differences and socio-political differences are so complex that, when it comes to this bit of the degree course, I tell the students to try and work it out for themselves. Because quite frankly, I haven’t got a fucking Scooby what they’re fighting about, who the good guys are or when it will end. Be honest, do you?”

100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently

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tomorrow (4/12/08).

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Congolese Advised To ‘Sex War Up’

Conflict “Too Confusing” To Elicit Sympathy

The United Nations have sent an aid convoy to the Democratic Republic Of Congo with orders that the displaced millions need to “Jazz up their plight a bit” in order to garner international support. As General Nkunda’s military coup continues, the war has yet to establish a poster child or hot-button issue to focus the West’s increasingly-diminishing attention span.

UN person Jaylo Ebbsfleet has been assigned to deal with the PR for the conflict and says that unless the refugee’s marketing campaign steps up a gear, they can expect a pretty bleak winter. “It’s all about brand identification” said Ebbsfleet “The Congolese haven’t worked out their unique selling point as a war-torn region. Afghanistan is killing us in the polls with their Taliban branding but so far all we’ve got is the same old photos of thousands of people tramping down a dusty road with all their worldly possessions balanced on their head. It’s just really…blah, isn’t it?”

Ebbsfleet also feels that the complexities of conflict, which has previously involved five other African nations, inter-tribal warfare and military/political disputes, is a big turnoff. “Take Somalia in the 80s. Crops have failed, loads of hungry kids and Bang – there’s your poster. 2004, a big wave kills thousands. That’s a no-brainer in humanitarian terms. But this is currently too confusing to get a really sexy, vibrant campaign going.”

Plans are underway to raise the war’s market visibility in the UK. A premium-rate phone line has been set up to poll “Who’s the hottest – General Nkunda or President Kabila?” with a follow-up spread in Heat magazine entitled “General Nkunda’s Top Ten Fashion Disasters”. Unconfirmed reports claim that McFly are recording a charity single, a cover version of Toto’s “Africa”, to raise humanitarian funds.

E4 are also believed to be planning a fundraising concert in the Congolese capital, with Coldplay set to headline. “We have to do what we can to help” said Chris Martin “It’s terrible that the people of….erm…what?...oh yes, the Congo have to go through whatever it is they’re currently going through. The third single from our latest album is out on December 15th, by the way.”

“We want the civil war in the Congo to be the number one water-cooler conversation this Christmas” said Ebbsfleet. “We’re trying to play down some of the less saleable aspects – mass rape, corrupt international mining operations – as they don’t play well across the key 18-25 year old demographic. We want this to be the ‘Crazy Frog’ of the internecine armed conflict world.”

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne


Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

“Good Day To Invade Russia” Said Fuhrer’s Horoscope

"You Will Have Arguments With A Fat, Bald Cigar Smoker"

British Intelligence manipulated Hitler’s obsession with horoscopes during World War II by making him think “Taureans make bad übermensch”, according to files in the National Archives.

Ludwig Von Ebbsfleet, who defected from Germany as astrologer for “Das Sün” newspaper, claimed that Hitler, a Taurus, was so obsessed with astrology he contributed to Germany’s super-inflation of the 1920s by constantly calling premium-rate horoscope telephone lines.

In recently-released government documents, Von Ebbsfleet claims “Ze Fuhrer is nutty about his horoscopes, ja? For instance, he was starting ze Reichstag fire on February 27th because zis was a good day for fire signs.”

Allied Propaganda forces attempted to exploit this weakness by planting negative horoscopes in the German press using covert spy stargazers. An entry for June 6th 1944 – the day of the D Day landings – suggested to the Fuhrer that “It’s a good time for Taureans to spend time socialising with friends. Maybe a dinner party or a night at the theatre. Relaxing on the beach is not recommended, specifically Carentan, Saint-Lô, Caen, and Bayeux.”

The entry for April 30th 1945 proved to be the decisive part of the operation, with Taureans told “Things have been getting you down recently, Taurus, as all your plans at work seem to be going wrong. Maybe it’s time to try a new approach, like killing yourself in a bunker, perhaps.”

Churchill commented on the plan, called Operation Toper, saying “Never, in the field of human conflict, has one man set so much store by such a load of pseudo-scientific bollocks. I say we convince him that Taurus men are shit in bed.” Churchill, Sagitterian, also ensured that Hitler was convinced Sagitterians were hard as fuck.

The newly-released documents showed similar methods were used against the Japanese army. A fake Feng Shui expert was parachuted into Japan to suggest that their stuff wouldn’t look very nice in China. He wrote a further article in a national Japanese newspaper stating that all furniture within a 200-mile radius of Nagasaki should face away from the city centre.