Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”

Britain Faces Tat Shortage

Ldl & Woolworths Action Could Grind UK’s Cack Economy To Halt

Strike action by Argos workers is threatening to deprive consumers of shoddy, gaudy shite through the UK, the Department Of Trade has warned. With other retail outlets such as Iceland and Poundland balloting its members, council estate denizens across the country could soon be forced to rummage in bins for its tawdry gewgaws.

“This could spell disaster for the economy.” said DoT spokesman Hunters Ebbsfleet. “2007 figures showed that 29% of high-street purchases consisted of flimsy, mass-produced shod that would fall to bits within three months. In our supermarkets, a massive 38% of food purchases were barely-edible excretia I personally wouldn’t force upon my dog. Usually shaped liked dinosaurs or Jay Z or something. Uck.”

The ballot by Argos workers was taken yesterday, with the options on the ballot paper marked as either “Wah? Yeah. S’pose” or “Shurrup. No way, like.”. There were initial fears that striking Argos workers would be impossible to differentiate from nominally ‘active’ members of staff. This was avoided by striking workers due to wear a commemorative Elizabeth Duke silver-plated ‘Picket Line’ badge.

Union representative Gerry Knutsford made clear the demands that must be met before Argos staff return to gossiping about who shagged who against the bins behind Glitzy’s last Saturday. “All we’re asking for is an indolent, barely mobile day’s work in return for a completely unrepresentative day’s pay.”

But with other high street crudmerchants voting on industrial action and Argos bosses, very much like their dead-eyed peons, refusing to budge, the outlook seems bleak for the nation’s feral unemployables. “Trust me” warned Ebbsfleet “If the situation continues, they’ll be out of Sunny Delight and Sean Paul posters before the week is out. Then it’s going to look like a burberry-covered Dawn Of The Dead. Thank Christ I live in Buckinghamshire, that’s all I can say.”

Ombudsman Opens Competition For Buying Shite

Return To 'Open All Hours Economy' Promised

The Competition Commission looking into the monopoly major supermarkets have over grocery buying in the UK have promised a fundamental shake-up, promising consumers “There should be more options for buying your drooling brats their dinosaur-shaped chips.”

Currently in the UK, the four major supermarkets account for three-quarters of the sales of microwaveable cheeseburgers, Tizer-flavoured cereal and sugary pop with Pingu on the bottle. Under new Commission guidelines, every consumer would have the choice of at least two dozen outlets to trawl their mewling spawn around.

“Healthy competition is the hallmark of a thriving economy” said Commission director Ting Ebbsfleet. “At the moment, grocery shopping is almost exclusively in the hands of the four major supermarkets. This forces the public to buy a dizzying array of competitively-priced goods in clean, efficient, well-staffed shops. New legislation would see the resurgence of independently-run local shops, run by surly harridans selling overpriced tins of out-of-date haslet.”

Tesco have hit back at the news by launching a new customer-loyalty scheme. “In addition to our Tesco Points system, any customer spending more than £30 can get pissed as a raccoon in our booze aisle for free.” said Tesco marketing manager Jay Arthur. “Simply present your till receipt to a member of staff at the drinks aisle and you can get yourself cunted on as much Boddingtons as you like. Seriously, go mad. It’s on us.”

Other chains are launching similar loyalty schemes, such as Asda’s “Hand Job From Our Cleaner” campaign and Sainsbury’s “Free Otter With Every Purchase” promotion.

When asked whether The Big Four were worried about the Commission’s plan to open up competition, a consortium spokesman commented “Our manifest destiny shall not be denied. The Commission will soon find that those who attempt to thwart us shall be utterly destroyed. The future belongs to us! Our triumph shall be absolute! DEATH TO THE UNBELIEVERS!!!” before cackling maniacally for five minutes.