News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Northern Britain “Mostly Appalling” By Early 2009
As the global economic meltdown continues to globally melt downwards, economically, experts have warned that by the middle of next year all of northern England will be “Absolutely wretched”. Ferris Ebbsfleet, Professor of Economics for Knutsford University warned “The last vestiges of Britain’s manufacturing base will be eroded as the downturn continues, and that will inevitably hit the northern England the hardest. With their aversion to daylight, small, malnourished hands and an average wage that wouldn’t buy half a skinny latte in Buckinghamshire, northerners have always been the ideal fodder for your factory.”

But with companies going out of business quicker than recently-deceased prostitute, the existing financial foundation for many northern towns will disappear, leaving them “Utterly appalling” according to Ebbsfleet. “Most of them will be like one of those dreadful Ken Loach films – all sleet and rickets. Apart from some holiday homes in the Lake District, you’ll be able to walk from Stafford to Berwick without encountering a single glottal stop.” Ebbsfleet predicts that the government will have to relocate Hadrian’s Wall 400 miles south to stop marauding gangs of rugby league-supporting yobs invading Home County towns for supplies of bread and dripping.


Christian Groups Condemn “Assisted Suicide Bombing” Group
Fundamentalist Christian group CACK (Christians Against Christian-Killing) have criticised a website that helps victims of terminal diseases choose the moment of their own death in a hail of explosives and shrapnel. “The Bible is clear on the point that killing oneself is a sin” said a CACK spokesperson. “If you happened to spontaneously explode at a military checkpoint, that’s a different matter. But strapping twenty pounds of C4 and wandering around a marketplace in Jerusalem until it rips you apart like an ADD kid’s present on Christmas Day is an offence to god.”

The creator of the assisted suicide bombing website has defended his work, however, stating “We believe it is everybody’s fundamentalist – sorry, fundamental – right to die with quiet dignity surrounded by hundreds of unwitting tourists. Many of the people visiting our site have suffered years of pain living with a progressive, debilitating illness. To me, denying them the right to tear through the lobby of an embassy like a meat grenade is barbaric.”


Queen’s Speech “A Tirade Of Abuse” Says Palace Insider
The Queen’s 2008 Christmas speech is set to be a litany of four-letter words, sexual innuendoes and graphic descriptions of bodily processes, according to a leaked document. “The BBC is going to find itself in further trouble if it’s broadcast uncensored” said the unnamed insider “Especially the part where she says where she’d stick her mace, and what she’d use as a lubricant, if Russell Brand ever tried to prank call her.”

Audiences for the speech have fallen steadily for years since 1996, which saw a record number of viewers watch the Queen suppress giggles as she talked about the death of Diana. “I think she feels that as nobody’s listening any more, she can basically say whatever she wants” continued the insider.

The Queen allegedly uses this opportunity to call David Cameron “Six foot of jumped-up fuck all”, describes the England cricket team as looking like “Ten spastics trying to shoo away a wasp” and dismisses Gordon Brown’s attempts to deal with the recession as “About as effective as me trying to beat out a forest fire using my clit.” The Queen, who apparently swigs from a Glenfiddich bottle throughout the speech, reportedly ends her address by talking to her son Charles directly.

“I would like to take this opportunity to point out what a disappointment you’ve been, Charles” slurs the monarch. “We go to all the trouble of bumping off your last baggage only for you to marry something that looks like a boiled bagpuss. So if you think I’m abdicating you can throw a cock-shaped dart at the moon and hope it hits a bullseye for all the good it will do you. Right, that’s my ten minutes, I’m fucking off. You can stick Eastenders on now, if you want.”

“Can We Have Those?” MOD Asks NI Family

Buyer To Collect Gun Cache

After a stash of seventy guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition was found in a Belfast home, procurement officers for the British army have asked if they can buy them as a job lot. The weapons were discovered after their owner was believed to have taken his own life. His method of suicide has not yet been disclosed by pathologists but one spokesman told the press “Well how do you fucking well think he did it?”

The unnamed Belfast man was a well-known figure in Loyalist paramilitary circles and early indications suggest that he was unaware that the war against Republicans was over. “He was like them fellers you hear about in Burma” said one neighbour, whose affection for his kneecaps prompted him to remain anonymous. “While the rest of us were getting on with our lives pretending to like those dirty Fenian bastards, he was still holed up in his bungalow waiting for orders to attack the next legitimate target. Like a pub or something.”

The armaments are currently being held by local police, but it is believed that several regiments have started a bidding war for them. “Our brave lads in Iraq are seriously underquipped” said General Ebbsfleet of the 47th Queen’s Riflemen. “They often have to decide which unarmed civilian they’re going to shoot as they’re rationed to three bullets a day. Some have had to resort to enticing their targets toward the personnel carrier with clean drinking water or medical supplies before finishing them off with the butt of their gun.”

General Ebbsfleet believes the Northern Irish stash will leave his troops capable of administering muscular democracy with extreme prejudice for a further three months at a fraction of the cost. “Buying weapons through normal channels is prohibitively expensive. All those lavish lunches, luxurious holidays and envelopes stuffed with cash associated with securing military contracts don’t come for free. The cost is passed on to the regiment. In many cases, rather than shooting an entire family it can be cheaper to just buy their home and have them evicted.”

Gordon Brown hailed the gun haul as a victory in Labour’s continued fight against terrorism. “This is proof that the Peace Treaty continues to hold in the province. By taking those guns off the streets, we have made it safer for the average former paramilitary officers of Belfast to go about their daily business of drug dealing and racketeering. And by shooting himself in the head before the police arrived, as appears to have happened, this man has shown that people now know what will happen to them if they’re suspected of terrorist activities.”