UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”

Odeon To Offer Male Strippers With Block Bookings

After news that Mamma Mia (the turgid musical about one woman’s discovery that her mother was quite the slag back in her youth) became the biggest-grossing film in British box office history, UK distributors are to stop ordering films with swearing, violence or any decent explosions.

“There’s little point in screening something with a really cool serial killer in it if most of the audience are just going to start squealing and asking their partners why they couldn’t have gone to something with Reese Witherspoon in it instead” said UK film person Rank Ebbsfleet.

“The last twelve months have seen the release of some truly excellent films about people wanting to shoot each other or blow each other up. But it seems we’d have been better employed just slinging a load of guff about relationships on the screen.”

Before Mamma Mia, the box office record was previously held by Titanic. “Now that actually showed some promise” said Ebbsfleet. “A big boat sinking would have been the perfect chance to show loads of people dying in excellent, inventive ways. But no, all we got was a sodding love story and Celine Dion. Ten quid to listen to Celine Dion, I ask you. You did get to see Winslet’s bumpers, though, so that was something.”

Following reports of Mamma Mia’s success, the Odeon chain of cinemas have ordered a revamp of its major outlets. From March of next year, discounts will be offered for parties of ten or more wearing tiaras and angel wings, the volume of films will be turned down as “it just doesn’t need to be that loud, for goodness’ sake” and the foyers will offer comfortable seating for shoeless hens to sob about their future spouses.

Film makers also look set to cash in, with Film Four starting production on “You Just Don’t Listen, Do You?”, starring Keira Knightley, Judi Dench and Colin Firth. It advertises itself as “A moving portrait of love lost through the ages, with Colin Firth appearing shirtless for no adequately justified reason in most of the scenes”. The soundtrack, by Dido, is also expected to top the charts.

One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”

Get The Fuck Out, Children Told

“High School Musical. Screen 4. Now Piss Off”

British cinema-goers breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Vue cinema chain unrolled over-18-only screenings across the UK. Under the new scheme, adults will be allowed to watch films of their choice without the added soundtrack of mobile phone ringtones, aggressive snogging and repeated attempts to explain the plot by exasperated parents.

“We polled our customers about what they look for when they go to the cinema” said Vue spokesperson Louis Ebbsfleet “And we were amazed to find that less than 3% of them wanted to hear about who fingered who behind the local Burger King.”

The cinema chain piloted the scheme last year which was an overwhelming success. “People were queuing up for the child-free screenings. Most of them didn’t even want to see the film that was being shown.” As one customer involved in the pilot stated “If it means I can sit in peace for a couple of hours without having dozens of little fuckers chase each other across my line of vision, I’ll even sit through something with Meg Ryan in it.”

Security is expected to be tight to enforce the new screenings, with Vue staff being trained in hand-to-hand combat and issued body armour and CS spray. “We’re aware that some minors may object to being excluded” said Ebbsfleet “And teenagers tend to express their dissatisfaction through the medium of a hunting knife. We’ve got an ex-SAS officer to do a risk assessment. It may seem excessive but we feel a duty to offer our customers the chance to watch Quantum Of Solace in something not resembling a glorified crèche.”

Children’s rights activists have reacted cautiously to the move. One stated “We understand that people want a choice of a child-free environment. But please, don’t piss them off. You’ve no idea what a 12-year-old high on WKD and fizzy fish can do. Stick them in a pair of Heely’s and you can’t even catch the little bastards.”

But Vue remain adamant. “As well as the over-18 screens, we’re creating specific screens for kids. We’ve ripped the seats out, everything can be hosed clean and we’ll just show MTV Base on loop with trailers every couple of hours. I doubt they’ll notice any difference, frankly. Let them fuck each other up in there. Just as long as they leave everyone else to watch their film in comfort.”

Early reactions to Vue’s over-18 screenings have been uniformly positive. One customer, Clancy Knutsford, said “I’ve just been to see ‘Burn After Reading’ and it was fantastic. You could hear all the dialogue and I wasn’t showered in Doritos once. I felt a special form of contentment in there. You know what it was? The contentment of somebody not having the back of their seat kicked every twelve seconds. Bliss.”