Giant Ice Crab Blamed For UK Freeze

“Millions May Have To Rub Their Hands Together” Experts Warn

The whole nation was stunned this morning as it awoke to find that it was a bit chilly outside. Emergency services were flooded with calls from people asking why their feet were really cold, transport was thrown into disarray as large sections of a slippery substance known as ‘ice’ appeared on roads & railway lines and NHS advisors have issued a warning to the public that they might want to put on a jumper or something.

Weather person Edward Ebbsfleet stated “Temperatures that dip below zero have taken us completely by surprise. The UK is usually a balmy, tropical island and we’re more used to giving advice on how to cope with heatstroke. We’re at a loss as to how this has happened.” The scientific community has put forward several competing theories to explain why Britain’s millions of commuters can no longer travel to work wearing flip flops in comfort.

Some have posited the notion that the Earth’s rotation around the sun is an ellipse, causing it to be further away from its warming rays for several months and has caused the phenomenon, dubbed ‘winter’, in the UK for millions of years. But the more widely-held belief is that the country is currently in the grip of a colossal intergalactic ice crab named “Humungo” who was angered after the UK failed to vote Eoghan Quigg the winner of last year’s “X Factor”.

“Humungo is not a fan of Alexendra Burke and feels that Quigg would have broader appeal amongst pre-teen pop fans” says Ebbsfleet. “He is a mighty crustacean, with a short temper, and his claws of snowy doom encircle our nation. It’s surely no coincidence that the onset of these lower temperatures occurred after the X Factor final. If the public can ensure Quigg’s debut single gets to number one, we can only hope that Humungo will be appeased and take his wrath elsewhere.”

Until this happens, Ebbsfleet has offered several tips to stay warm. “Closing all exterior doors and windows seem to be effective and if you have radiators in your house, making them go all warm might help. We’ve had unconfirmed reports that a nice hot cup of tea can also reverse the effects.”

But while Humungo’s pincers of freeze continue to hold the country in their chilly embrace, it is feared that many more will succumb to the crisis already being dubbed as “Like Autumn only a lot more parky.”

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”

Odeon To Offer Male Strippers With Block Bookings

After news that Mamma Mia (the turgid musical about one woman’s discovery that her mother was quite the slag back in her youth) became the biggest-grossing film in British box office history, UK distributors are to stop ordering films with swearing, violence or any decent explosions.

“There’s little point in screening something with a really cool serial killer in it if most of the audience are just going to start squealing and asking their partners why they couldn’t have gone to something with Reese Witherspoon in it instead” said UK film person Rank Ebbsfleet.

“The last twelve months have seen the release of some truly excellent films about people wanting to shoot each other or blow each other up. But it seems we’d have been better employed just slinging a load of guff about relationships on the screen.”

Before Mamma Mia, the box office record was previously held by Titanic. “Now that actually showed some promise” said Ebbsfleet. “A big boat sinking would have been the perfect chance to show loads of people dying in excellent, inventive ways. But no, all we got was a sodding love story and Celine Dion. Ten quid to listen to Celine Dion, I ask you. You did get to see Winslet’s bumpers, though, so that was something.”

Following reports of Mamma Mia’s success, the Odeon chain of cinemas have ordered a revamp of its major outlets. From March of next year, discounts will be offered for parties of ten or more wearing tiaras and angel wings, the volume of films will be turned down as “it just doesn’t need to be that loud, for goodness’ sake” and the foyers will offer comfortable seating for shoeless hens to sob about their future spouses.

Film makers also look set to cash in, with Film Four starting production on “You Just Don’t Listen, Do You?”, starring Keira Knightley, Judi Dench and Colin Firth. It advertises itself as “A moving portrait of love lost through the ages, with Colin Firth appearing shirtless for no adequately justified reason in most of the scenes”. The soundtrack, by Dido, is also expected to top the charts.

One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”