Nazi Hurricane Gustav Threatens New Orleans

“For You, Dixieland, Ze Mardi Gras Is Over” Warns Teutonic Weather Front

Millions have fled New Orleans after warnings that a 115mph National Socialist storm is set to flatten houses, bring widescale floods and usher in a glorious thousand-year Reich. Hopes that the storm would leave the city unmolested were dashed last night by BBC weather man Rob Mcelwee in a prepared statement:

“I am speaking to you from the roof of BBC television centre.
This morning Michael Fish handed Hurricane Gustav a final note stating that unless he veered off into the Atlantic by 11.00 pm, a state of war would exist between us.
I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently New Orleans is absolutely monster-fucked.”

Speaking from his home just off the Cuban coast, Hurricane Gustav warned the residents of the Gulf shore that he would be merciless and all-conquering in his northerly blitzkrieg across America.

Smoking from a cigarette holder, his eye gleaming manically through his monocle, Hurricane Gustav told reporters “Ve haff ways of having you evacuated into a football, stadium, ya? For too long, ze decadent Americans haff allowed mongrel jazz music undt women flashing ze big boobies when they haff ein string of beads. No longer, mein friend. Tomorrow sees ze glorious rise of der Uber Cyclone. Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Band Of Low Pressure!”

Despite Hurricane Gustav not having yet hit land, work has already started on a Hollywood blockbuster about his swathe of tropical, goose-stepping destruction. Chip Ebbsfleet, a Hollywood reporter, stated “This is the hot ticket film of the year. Michael Bay apparently crapped in his jacuzzi when he heard about it and has already done a script treatment and initial casting.”

The film, due to be released in time for Christmas 2008, will star Matt Damon as a maverick, alcoholic weatherman who tries to warn the government about the fascist storm system while fighting custody for his daughter (Dakota Fanning) with his estranged wife (Cate Blanchett).

Hurricane Gustav (Ralph Fiennes) is enraged when he hears of Damon’s interference and kidnaps his daughter, provoking a grandstand battle between the puffy-faced meteorologist and the 500-mile-wide weather phenomenon. The final confrontation is set to cost $412M in CGI effects alone. One New Orleans resident has said “As soon as I dig my two-room shack out of eleven feet of tidal mud, I’ll definitely go and see it.”

"It's Fucking Pissing Down" Says MET

British Reservoirs “Now Too Full”

Following days of torrential rain, the Central Water Board have advised that the nation’s reservoirs are now dangerously topped-up and are urging the public to take measures to alleviate the situation.

“You know what it’s like.” said Kelvin Ebbsfleet, head of Precipitation Studies at Knutsford University “You wait for ages for a deluge of almost biblical proportions, then loads come at once. It’s like buses, only buses made of water.”

Dam engineers have so far managed to keep the situation under control by flooding valleys populated only by dreadful, impoverished northern people. But as the rain continues to fall, they have admitted the problem has reached crisis point.

A spokesman for the CWB said “We’ve done all we can. The big valves are turned all the way clockwise – clockwise, is that right? Yes, clockwise – so there’s little more for us to do.”

To avert scenes like in The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact and that one with Christian Slater in it, the CWB have released a ten-point plan that every man, woman, child and transgender individual in the country will have to abide by, under pain of house arrest for an indeterminate period :

1. Turn on your taps in the kitchen sink, then go for a walk.
2. Wash your car twice a day. If you don’t own a car, ask your neighbour if you can wash theirs.
3. Double flush your toilet every time, even if it’s a precautionary number one before you leave the house.
4. Water your lawn every twenty minutes, until it looks like the last day of Glastonbury.
5. Boil all food, even chips.
6. Have a bath every time you sneeze, cough or pass wind. If any of these occur while in the bath, get out, empty the bath and start again.
7. Buy a great big fish tank.
8. The repair of any dripping taps will be punishable by five years imprisonment.
9. Wash clothes one item at a time.
10. Tie a note saying “Pack it in”, wrap it around a firework and shoot it into the sky to appease the rain god Watanabe.


When asked whether the above actions suggested the CWB were colluding with water companies to increase profits, their spokesman merely replied “No comment” before speeding away in his brand new Porsche Carrera.