Beelzebub Expected Early This Evening, Say Satanists

“Halfway Through Question Of Sport” Estimates Expert

Halloween is to be given a dramatic twist this year with the rising from the sulphurous pits of hell by the Lord Of Darkness himself, according to one demonological expert. Speaking from his two-bedroom terraced coven in Knutsford, devil expert Alistair Ebbsfleet stated “The moon shall run red with the blood of innocents, the seas shall be rent in twain and The Unspeakable One shall stalk the earth once more. Probably starting somewhere near Penge.”

Ebbsfleet listed the early signs of the impending rise of The Ultimate Harbinger Of Sorrow as “The stars raining fire from the heavens and probably quite a stiff northerly breeze.” This will then apparently be followed by the earth spewing forth the living dead and the lamentations of the countless being heard across the land. It is not yet clear whether these lamentations will contravene noise nuisance laws laid down in the Environmental Protection Act.

When asked why Diabolus should choose this evening to ascend from the underworld, Ebbsfleet explained “The signs of the end of days are all around us – the middle east awash with blood, the world economy falling to its knees. Peter Kay. Perfect environment for overthrowing the throne of heaven, really. But I think the main attraction to Mephistopheles at the moment is that most of the public won’t even notice he’s there. Not until wailing daemons start stuffing people’s gizzards into their ears. Too late by then, of course.

“But any society that gets more worked up about two potty-brained buffoons, or which person out of a sample of twelve is the worst singer, rather than the fabric of civilisation crumbling about them like a meringue in a threshing machine, isn’t going kick up too much of a fuss when the Antichrist starts throwing his weight about.”

“And apart from all that” added Ebbsfleet “It’s Halloween, innit? Traditional for Him to turn up at Halloween.”

UK society will look very different under the iron hoof of The Horned Beast, says Ebbsfleet. He predicts that the press will be seriously curbed, with only The Daily Mail and Chat magazine allowed to continue. “My Family will continue to be commissioned as well” he warns. But bizarrely, Lucifer will enforce rigorous environmental policies. “Despite wanting to doom mankind to an eternity of suffering” says Ebbsfleet “He really has a soft spot for polar bears. Not sure why.”

Daily Mail To Be Extradited

Smith Announces “Littlejohn’s Law”

Between smearing spoonfuls of her own shit against the walls of her cabinet office and rocking in a foetal position under her desk, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today took time out to announce plans of a new bill to ban anybody from the UK who gets on her increasingly-fragile nerves by barking it in a staccato fashion through the gap under her door.

“Preachers of hate have no place in modern UK society” wibbled Smith “So I’m buggering about with the law like a kid with a box of Lego until there’s something in place that gives me legal sanction to kick them out.”

The Catholic Church, braced from their recent buy-out of the Anglican faith, has reacted angrily to the move, stating that the new law constitutes a restriction on trade. “No sensible person wants those brown chaps telling us we’re all evil, of course” said one chap sporting a large pointy hat “But this law will end a tradition that stretches back a thousand years – the right for an unelected man to threaten rooms full of people with menaces over what they choose to do with their unmentionables at home. If Smith’s proposals become law, how are we going to browbeat the poofs then? Answer me that one.”

The ex-Judaic faith is not the only group affected by the product of Smith’s misfiring head. Many predict that The Daily Mail will cease to function as a publication under the new laws. “You couldn’t make it up in a handcart” said excremental fat cunt Richard Littlejohn “This is just a green light for gays to start demanding my tax money, waving dildos at me in a threatening manner. Some of them will be dirty gypsies too, just you wait and see.”

Media analysts have estimated that without recourse to the demonisation of minority groups, the misrepresentation of statistics and outright fearmongering lies, The Daily Mail will be little more than a four-page set of horse racing results surrounded by adverts for Mediterranean cruises.

Smith, however, was adamant that her proposals become law as soon as possible. “We cannot have people entering the country with the intention of stirring up tensions. We want to send out a message – ‘If your views differ in the smallest iota to Labour Party doctrine – which we reserve the right to change as & when things go cock-shaped – then you may as well stay on the plane. This country did not become the greatest democracy in the world by allowing dissenting voices to be heard.”

Smith’s further justification for the law – to protect her brainwaves from being raped by Arab-shaped invaders – was later dismissed by Labour press officers as “Just Jacqui before the pills kick in. Pay it no mind.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”


Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”


Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

Burt Reynolds Spotted In Swindon

FOR THE FULL STORY, GO TO THE DAILY MASH TOMORROW:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/smokey-chases-bandit-through-swindon-200810241350/

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans

New Religious Consortium To Be Named “Cathlican”

After plummeting attendances and an underfunded infrastructure pushed the Anglican Church to the brink of collapse, the Catholic Church has stepped in to bail out the ailing faith in a £4.7 billion buyout. Many in the 470-year-old organisation feared the mother church would have to cease praying altogether before the Holy Roman faith conglomerate stepped in.

Dr Rowan Williams, head of the beleaguered doctrine, stated “Nobody could have foreseen the global collapse in faith – this is absolutely unprecedented. With promising new markets, especially in the third world and China, we felt the church was in a healthy condition to expand its client base. The next thing we knew, the pews were simply empty.” Many expect Dr Williams to step down in the next few days, with the Mormon church already offering him a lucrative consultancy role.

Members of the public who have invested in the life everlasting with the Anglican church have been told not to panic, with Cardinal Ebbsfleet of the Vatican promising to honour all existing prayers lodged with the church. This followed scenes of chaos as churches in London, Bristol and Knutsford were mobbed by panicking worshippers demanding their eternal souls, which had been entrusted to the church, to be returned.

“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Anglican employees are braced for a slew of redundancies as the Catholic church attempts to streamline the organisation. As many as 40% of Anglican churches will be sold off to property developers, and the unemployment rate amongst organists is set to skyrocket. “It used to be a job for life” said one parson. “Get your feet under the pulpit, keep your hands off the parishioners and you’d be set . Now what? I might see if there’s any vacancies with the Kabbalists. They seem to be a faith that’s going places.”

The takeover will be formalised this Sunday, with Pope Benedict welcoming his new flock, tentatively named “Cathlicans”, during his address in St Peters’ Square. “I welcome all of my new flock into the arms of the Cathlican faith.” said the elderly ex-Nazi. “Pending due diligence to ensure none of them are sodomites, abortionists or johnny-jockeys, of course” he added.

Obama To Befriend Every Person In The US

Presidential Candidate To Visit With Wine & Trivial Pursuit

Barack Obama’s push to move into the White House for four years went into overdrive last night as he began his quest to make friends with every man, woman and child in the United States. “Yes, even Hawaii” said Obama “Even if it means using up all my air miles.”

Neither presidential candidate is incumbent and as a result cannot rely on four years of misrule, sexual allegations or corruption to misrepresent. Many feel that this has forced the respective campaigns of McCain and Obama to focus on personalities rather than policies.

While McCain has focussed on the more traditional route of portraying his potential presidency as a benign avuncular regime with a hatred of abortion and a terrifying arsenal of nuclear persuaders, Obama his personalised his campaign by attempting to convince the US electorate that he is simply a regular, everyday guy with an unquenchable yearning for ultimate power.

Obama’s charm offensive, codenamed “Operation Buddy”, began just after midnight with the senator visiting the home of Chance Huxley, a cab driver from Minneapolis. Obama is said to have taken a six-pack of Coors and a copy of ‘Weird Science’ on DVD to the 47-year-old’s home. “He was a real nice guy” said Huxley after the senatorial visit. “We watched the movie, sunk back a few cool ones and he outlined his fiscal plan for underpinning medical insurance provision. I told him he could crash on the couch if he wanted but he said he’d call a cab. Even took his dead soldiers out to the recycling bin. A class act.”

Fitz Ebbsfleet, professor of politics at Knutsford University, said the senator’s campaign would do much to allay the doubts of middle-american voters. “The vast majority of the white US public have the low-grade level of bigotry standard in industrialised nations across the globe. It’s the type that would baulk at using racial epithets but would typically feel vague awkwardness in the presence of somebody of different ethnic origin. Obama’s campaign is therefore brilliant. Not only will these people be able to say that some of their best friends are black, the friend in question will be one of the most powerful men on the planet.”

Senator Obama gave no official statement on the new strand of his campaign, but speaking from a leaving party for Sandra Chipsfield, a recently retired postal clerk from Newhaven, he said “I just want to get to know the people of this great country. Anyway, who’s up for tequila shots? My round.”

“Bezz Fuggin Mate” Sighted Over Heathrow

“They Made Me Phone My Ex Girlfriend” Said Dishevelled Pilot

Newly-released MOD files have revealed dozens of UFO sightings over Britain in the last twenty years reported by airline pilots and members of the public. One incident in 1991 records “Strange, bottle-shaped craft” being reported by pilot Sid Ebbsfleet on his approach to Heathrow. The encounter caused Ebbsfleet to fly the plane erratically and he believes the aliens used “mind-rays or something” on him as he attempted to land.

“I remember the day specifically as before we took off I’d had a blazing row with my girlfriend over things I definitely didn’t do with her sister. I’d spent a couple of hours in the airport bar, sipping just a diet coke and nothing else to calm myself down. As we were taking off I started to feel the effects of the alien’s mind control taking over as they forced me to argue with my co-pilot about who England’s best ever goalkeeper was.”

The strange phenomena continued throughout the flight, with passengers seeing Ebbsfleet stagger up and down the plane in search of the toilet, attempting to rouse them into a chorus of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. As the flight began its final descent into Heathrow, Ebbsfleet caught a glimpse of the craft that had been causing his mental disturbance.

“It was a weird, out-of-body sensation. It felt like I was actually huddled in the corner of the cockpit hugging a giant Toblerone rather than being sat in the pilot’s chair. As I looked out of the window I could see several small bottle-shaped craft whiz across my field of vision. I think they were trying to communicate with me via my co-pilot, but their translation technology must not be as advanced as they think, because it just sounded like he was calling me a drunken cock-end.”

Ebbsfleet‘s trauma continued even after he’d left the plane. “I think I angered the aliens with my resistance to their brain-manipulation because on my way out of Heathrow, they forced me to call my ex to call her a lying frigid bitch, fall over and throw up outside of Boots. It was a terrifying experience.”

Ebbsfleet’s encounter is just one of dozens listed in the MOD archives. These range from unusual light formations spotted in the sky to letters from people claiming to be stranded aliens. Swivel-eyed moron and Ufologist Dr Kenneth Knutsford claims “These files are dynamite and definite proof of alien contact. We are not alone. Well, I live in a bedsit, but you know what I mean.”