Beadle Jokes Reach ‘Epidemic Proportions’

Ten Thousand Jokes Cracked Every Minute, Say Experts


Following the death of 1980s unfunnyman Jeremy Beadle, jokes about him have reached an unprecedented level. Epidemioligist Matthew Ebbsfleet stated “Background levels of Beadle jokes normally run at about one joke per 100,000 households per year. But if Beadle jokes spread at the current rate, we estimate that 70-80% of UK households will have experienced some form of small-hand-based humour by the end of the month. And we simply don’t have the resources to stop it.”

Early investigations suggest that the first jape at the dead man’s expense was cracked in the North London hospital where he died, but quickly spread across the capital and further afield. According to Ebbsfleet “The problem is that the jokes are so easy to spread. A witty monologue or song is very cumbersome, and can take some time to be communicated from one person to another. But a one-liner, about life having dealt him a terrible hand for instance, can be spread in a moment in offices, public transport and even email.”

The three main factors in the spread of Beadle jokes are, according to Ebbsfleet:

1: Beadle was popular in the 1980s, meaning he is best-known by glib, sardonic thirtysomethings, all of whom have ready access to text messaging, Facebook, etc, making them prime carriers of Beadle jokes.
2: Existing Beadle humour. Beadle jokes have existed for years in the background, and an event like his death can be the trigger for them to suddenly surface in huge numbers.
3: Beadle’s disability. “Let’s face it, disabled people are funny.” said Ebbsfleet. “God help us when Stephen Hawkins dies because I think we’ll be totally overwhelmed.”

Ebbsfleet is calling on employers to temporarily add the word ‘Beadle’ to their firewall programs in an attempt to stem the flow, but in a bizarre twist Beadle’s death has helped physicists dealing in photon research.

Photons are sub-atomic particles that can, in the right circumstances, travel faster than the speed of light and therefore travel through time. A spokesman from the Knutsford Physics Laboratory stated “We have some evidence that, seconds before Beadle died, a taxi-driver in Fife was just about to start a joke about the handles on Beadle’s coffin being different sizes. Clearly this would be impossible unless news of his death had travelled at faster than light speeds and therefore through time. It may well be that photons are the universe’s way of communicating news of celebrity deaths.”

Plot To Murder Thousands Of Soldiers Uncovered

MOD Reveals Extent Of Taliban Campaign


The Ministry Of Defence has today revealed a plot to murder thousands more British troops. Following on from revelations in the Parviz Khan ‘Beheading Plot’ trial, Field Marshall Montague Ebbsfleet revealed “We have every reason to believe that Taliban troops dotted across Afghanistan are poised, as soon as the opportunity arises, to kill the many thousands of British soldiers stationed there.”

The plot was uncovered by military intelligence following several years of observation of Taliban movements. It seems that one of the main objectives of the Taliban forces has been to shoot at British soldiers with the hope of seriously wounding or killing them. The news has come as a shock to many ground troops.

“I just thought they were excited to see us, to be honest” said Private Clyde Driscoll, currently stationed outside Kabul. “My sergeant told me we were playing paintball with them. But to find out that there’s an organised, religious fundamentalist group that means British troops harm – well, it’s terrifying, isn’t it?”

Private Driscoll’s sentiments were echoed by many of the personnel currently serving in the armed forces, although most did not wish to be named. One stated “They didn’t mention this in the adverts, did they? I just thought I’d get my engineering degree, have a smart haircut, get pissed with my mates on a Friday and annoy the fuck out of locals near the barracks. But people plotting to kill us? That’s a bit fucking much.”

Gordon Brown has been quick to denounce the Taliban’s tactics of trying to kill British troops. “This barbarism cannot be prudently countenanced in a modern, progressive, free-market society. It is a sad fact that many of the people that British troops are opening fire at are actually trying to kill them.

They will stop at nothing to avoid being killed by our armed forces, resorting to running away, hiding or even disguising themselves as a school full of pupils. To point guns at our armed forces with the intent of firing back is an outrage we cannot tolerate. We shall not rest until every person that refuses to let us shoot at them is killed.”

Mystic Brian & The FA Cup 5th Round Draw

Football Predictions Hot Off The Ether


After yesterday’s FA Cup 5th round draw, Mystic Brian has gazed into his crystal palace ball to see who will emerge victorious:


I see red & white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

I see a capital city full of joy. Men are running around the streets singing. Except for two of them - one has a big nose and more houses than Barratt and the other chap has an expression of permanent surprise/dismay. They tried running for 10 yards but had to stop through exhaustion. The black feller threw up into his hands.
Cardiff to beat Wolves

What is this? A prophecy? "The men of steel are resolute. Their will is unbreakable. Hewn from the very metal of the earth are they. They shall not bend, nor shall they break. But after 85 minutes of woefully inept football Aliadiere will bundle one over the line with his arse."
Middlesbrough to beat Sheffield United

Virgil once wrote: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts. But beware fat Americans bearing £400 million quid of somebody else's money even more." I see a turbulent sea, dotted with dodgy facial hair and banners talking about victories long since past. They shall not walk alone but they will probably got knocked out in the next round when they actually have to play a team that knows what the goal looks like.
Liverpool to beat Barnsley

I see two great titans locked in mortal combat. I see two mighty armies pitched in glorious battle. I see a Leicester man with big ears using the phrase "Tie of the round" several hundred times. I see a flame-haired man being described as "exploding from midfield - he's the best around for that" shortly before tripping over the ball. I see a vast arena eerily silent, at least until that greasy Portugese bastard flukes one in just before half time.
Manchester United to beat Arsenal.

Through the dim mists of time I see the men of the north running around a muddy pitch sporting great big handlebar moustaches and smoking a pipe to celebrate their victory. The mists clear as we move toward the present day. I see a fallen giant currently about as appealing to watch as obese granny porn. They will, however, emerge triumphant.
Preston to beat Portsmouth

The men of middle earth come face to face. But the outcome will be as important to the final reckoning as a gazelle's opinion on Third World Debt is to the lion who is eating him. I predict an ordeal more dour than a hungover Gordon Brown waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. Eventually, one side will go through, because the universe can stand only so much suffering. I see a standup comedian being picked out in the stands.
West Brom to beat Coventry

The crystal ball shows me many allegorical situations. Brian Blessed sitting on a meringue. A child with brittle bones being hit in the face with an armored personnel carrier. A snowman trying to juggle eighteen blowtorches. A mouse with broken legs, dipped in taramasalata, being kicked through a cat sanctuary. What can all this mean?
Chelsea to beat Huddersfield

Commuters Tell Tide To Go Away

Protesting Commuters Eye New Target


South West commuters will flock to the beaches of Devon next weekend and demand that the tide go back to France where it came from.

This follows the fare strike action taken against First Great Western Trains today. Commuters carried protest tickets bearing slogans such as “Worst Late Western” as a way of highlighting the perceived poor service of the rail company.

Iain Ebbsfleet, who co-ordinated today’s protest, said “We feel that the best way to force a huge, faceless corporation into providing a better service for its customers is by the use of weak puns and subtle sarcasm. If things don’t start improving, we will have no hesitation in rolling our eyes, tutting and saying “For goodness’ sake” under our breath. We know that seems drastic but we’re not to be trifled with.”

Buoyed by the success of today’s action – many train guards were visibly miffed – Ebbsfleet has set his sights on the encroaching sea next.

“For too long, we have been at the mercy of an uncaring, irregular and inefficient tide. Not any more. I am calling on all South West commuters to stand on the beach at midday on Saturday and wag a reproachful finger at the tide. I feel confident that we will be as successful in forcing the tide back into the sea as we have been in forcing a rich, powerful company in a monopoly position to give nine shits about whether we’re unhappy or not.”

Ebbsfleet went on to outline his plans to bring about world peace and turn back time itself. “I’ve been listening to a lot of Paul McCartney and Cher. That’s all I’m saying” he added cryptically.

The Customer Affairs spokesman for First Great Western was more pragmatic about today’s protest, however.

“They can get on the fucking trains, pay their fucking fares and keep their fucking mouths shut as far as we’re concerned. If we want to halve the number of carriages, double the fares or force commuters to chew copper wire for the length of their journey then we’ll do it and they’ll fucking well take it.

If they want us to improve our service I suggest they go and try to shit out a diamond. Let’s see what happens first. I’d say they can like it or lump it but in truth they can fucking well loathe it or lump it. We’re here, we’ll do what the fuck we want and there’s tits-all they can do about it, the whining fucking pigs.”

Sonic Hedgehogs ‘Nearly Extinct In UK’

Speeding Creature Could Die Out By 2012


Wildlife experts are warning that the Sonic Hedgehog, once a common creature in the UK, could become extinct in the next five years.

“As little as fifteen years ago, Sonic The Hedgehog was a thriving, popular creature throughout the Great Britain. In 2008, however, sightings have become so rare that we fear it might be too late to save him.” said Bryson Ebbsfleet of the UK Conservation Trust.

The population of the sonic hedgehog, with its distinctive blue markings and red trainers, was once estimated at over four million in the early 90s. These days, however, it is very rare to see the animal outside of dilapidated seaside arcades and the living rooms of very poor council estates.

Sonic Hedgehogs were once a common Christmas present for children, helping to boost their native population. But the recent popularity of Snake Plisskens have all but wiped out their numbers. “Snake Plisskens are the natural predator of the sonic hedgehog” said Ebbsfleet.

“Sonics, although very quick, are peaceful creatures with little natural defences. Just two jabs with a row of spikes is enough to kill them. Snake Plisskens, on the other hand, use stealth, hi-tech weaponry and the ability to sneak up on foes and break their necks to hunt their prey. Sonics are really no match for them.”

Ebbsfleet is urging the public to make their gardens more sonic-friendly in order to revive their flagging numbers. “If people could place a row of gold rings down their children’s slide, maybe with a trampoline at the bottom, this would provide a safe haven for young sonic hedgehogs. Also, installing roving CCTV cameras and armed guards that patrol in regular patterns will discourage the influx of Snake Plisskens.” Bill Oddie is also scheduled to feature a “Sonic Watch” section in the next series of ‘Bill Oddie’s Wild Side’.

Ebbsfleet warns that if drastic measures are not taken, the sonic hedgehog could follow the Donkey Kong & the Q-Bert into extinction.

At time of publication, Dr Robotnik was unavailable for comment.

"Let's Punch Britain Thin" Says Health Secretary

Government Enlist School Bullies In Obesity Fight


Health Secretary Alan Johnson has turned to the nation’s school bullies in his latest bid to fight childhood obesity in a white paper entitled “Blobby Bastards – A Growing Concern”.

“This government has always looked for innovative solutions to national problems” said Johnson “And with this in mind, I call upon the bullies, tormentors and young sadists of the UK to take up the challenge to browbeat Britain thin.”

In the new scheme, each academic year would have a Named Bully whose campaigns of physical and psychological abuse would earn them partial credits toward their GCSE exams. In conjunction with head teachers, overweight children would be awarded ‘Fat Little Fuck’ status and a planned schedule of wedgies, name-calling & emotional scarring put into place.

“I’m all for this” said Tupac Ebbsfleet, a 14-year-old bully attending Knutsford Secondary Modern School. “For several years I’ve been independently making whale noises around fat kids, laughing at them in PE changing rooms and the like. It’s good to know that in the future my hard work will be recognised.”

All-knowing guru Raj Persaud said the scheme would work on established psychological principles. “It’s been scientifically proven that fat kids are weak, easily manipulated and live in daily fear of being ostracised by their peers. A well-planned system of bullying would re-educate their eating habits, making them realise that stuffing their piggy little fucking faces with chips all day is no good for them. I’d estimate that approximately three months of sustained, organised bullying would help them decrease their weight significantly. ”

And the scheme has been given celebrity backing by irritating face-mistake Jamie Oliver. “I’m all for helping kids lose weight. I got the ball rolling by calling thousands of blameless dinner ladies a bunch of useless cuntrags. I think it was important for me to point out that if I can make organic, nutritionally balanced menus in my frigging enormous home, they can do the same for 300 ungrateful, braying brats while earning minimum wage. If slapping a few fat kids can get them off the turkey twizzlers, then I’m right behind it. Geezer.”

The Health Secretary is expected to pilot the scheme “In some dreadful little northern town” next month, before rolling it out across the whole of Scotland in September 2008. “Have you seen the way those caber-munchers eat?” asked Johnson “A few less gallons of Tizer and laying off the deep-fried black pudding will do them the world of good.”

Nothing Happens In Knutsford

Knutsford News-Free For Third Day In A Row

Concern is growing amongst the journalistic community of Knutsford after nothing of note happened in the town for the third day in a row. Dave Ebbsfleet, chairman of the Knutsford Society Of Journalists, says the incident slump is the worst for two hundred years:

“We first noticed something was wrong on Saturday morning. Usually, a Friday night will have turned up something juicy like a punch-up in a pub or a dog savaging a kid. But when we checked our emails, there was nothing – nobody had even poked us on Facebook.

The last time it was this bad was in the early 1800s when most of the town was indoors with the dropsy. In the end, ‘The Knuttsforde Examinatory Gazzetteer’ just printed pictures of some weaving looms to fill the pages up.”

A combination of bad weather and people being skint after Christmas is believed to be the cause of such a quiet Friday but locals are baffled as to why the following Saturday & Sunday continued to be quite so journalistically eventless.

“I’ve lived here for forty years” said local resident Dylan Travelog “and I’ve never seen it this quiet. I had to get the bus to Chester and go to a titty bar for a bit of excitement. Bent right over, they did. You could see everything.”

There is some optimism from local authorities, however. “Knutsford is a thriving, exciting town” said Knutsford MP George Osbourne. “I am fully confident that it can bounce back from the current news slump. I have been in close contact with the chief of police and he assures me that a local drought in crack cocaine will soon have Knutsford drug addicts running around the streets like extras from ’28 Days Later’. 98% of the place will be on fire, stolen or in the process of being raped come Tuesday evening.”

But Knutsford journalists remain pessimistic. “At this rate, we’re going to have to beat up some old dears ourselves, otherwise the next issue of The Knutsford Chronicle is just going to be crossword puzzles, knitting patterns and ads for secondhand cars.” said Ebbsfleet.