News & Horoscopes

Underground To Be Run By Mice

Following news that London Underground is set to lose 1,000 jobs, TFL bosses have outlined their plans for the District, Northern and Circle lines to be run by mice. In the new staffing proposals, all ticket inspections, train driving and public announcements are to be undertaken by the two-inch rodents that currently infest the system.

“Most of the traffic into central London during peak hours used to consist of bank workers but following the recent economic embolism, they’re all sat in their multimillion pound homes, living off their massive savings and waiting the storm out. Despite this drop in fare revenue, we’re still obliged to provide a service, if you can call it that with a straight face.”

“Wage bills had to be cut and we quickly realised we had a ready-made workforce living in the tube system already. Tube drivers typically earn over 30 large for reading the paper at the front of an automated metal tube. Mice can easily cover this duty and are happy to be paid in leftover scraps of Subway sandwiches. They’re far less likely to turn up for work pissed, too.”

This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio: You won't believe what the stars have in store this week. So I'm not going to fucking well tell you.

Gemini: Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings.

Libra: It is time you realised that those limited edition Sneaker Pimp 12" singles are not 'Going to be well pricey one day". Throw them out, you ageing tit.

Cancer: Nobody ever gets over their first love but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.

AIDS: If desperation truly is the worst cologne, this week you will stink like a Yorkshire vet's fist.

Space Otter: Why did you buy another box of Oxo cubes? You've already got five of them in the cupboard, for christ's sake.

One That Looks Like A Goat: That feeling you've had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.

Aquarius: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?

Mondeo: Something about changes in the workplace and a new relationship starting. Either that or it's something to do with a phone call. I could care less, frankly.

Bison: The past is a foreign country and so is Uganda. Three guesses where you're going to end up by Friday.

Capricorn: A reunion with old school friends is on the cards. You'd better get started inventing what you've done with your life for the past twenty years.

Capricorn I: According to your astrological chart, approximately four million people in Britain will have exactly the same kind of week that you're going to have.

Gladiator: It will soon become apparent that you don't even like 80% of what's on your iPod. John Cougar Mellencamp? What were you thinking?

Sky News Flings Kittens Into Trees

“…And Finally” Item Shortage Blamed

Sky News face charges of false reporting today as evidence emerges that the broadcaster has been fabricating heartwarming fluff pieces for the end of their programs. Following the recent criticism levelled at the BBC for falsifying telephone poll results, Sky could be in for a torrid time from media watchdogs as they stand accused of “Wilfully and inaccurately presenting the UK as a country filled with amiable eccentrics and life-affirming incidents”

An ex-cameraman for Sky News has leaked footage showing presenter Anna Botting laughing hysterically as several kittens are tossed from their news helicopter into a larch tree outside Knutsford. Believing her microphone to be switched off, Botting can be heard to say “A tenner says the tabby one gets groundfucked.” The local fire brigade are understood to be considering legal action for timewasting as they spent two hours photogenically removing the distressed felines from the tree’s branches.

Other footage shows Sky staff nailing a terrier’s paws to a skateboard, bribing a small Oxfordshire village into cooking the world’s largest enchilada and threatening two pensioners, both aged over 100, with eviction from their care home if they refused to get married. The former Sky cameraman said “I used to dread coming into work. I’ve covered the civil war in Rwanda and the famine in the Sudan, but what these guys did to get their stories was obscene. When they asked me to pretend I was a quadriplegic learning to Riverdance, I quit on the spot.”

Sky News have been quick to denounce the former staff member’s claims, stating “The individual in question was fired after several instances of gross misconduct. He once referred to Rupert Murdoch as a ‘button-eyed shit factory’ and got into a fight with Eamonn Holmes after he’d implied that Mr Holmes was a charmless fat cunt. The last straw was when he arrived for work clearly inebriated, slapped his penis against Dermot Murnaghan’s cheek and roared “THERE’S your headline”. We cannot allow such behaviour and his contract was terminated as a result.”

Sky News refused to comment on the footage allegedly showing the broadcaster fabricating stories, but one insider conceded there may be some truth in the claims. “It’s getting harder each week to end the reports on a high note” said the unnamed source. “You want to leave the viewer with a smile on their face but the world’s turning into an episode of The Wire written by a manically-depressed misanthrope with a hangover. It’s just too horrible.”

Footballer Denies Charge Of Consensual Sex

Decent, Loving Trysts “Never Happened” Says Star

The footballer named today in a tabloid story as having indulged in “Repeated, considerate sexual acts of a legal, caring nature” has denied the allegation as “Absolute fiction”. The footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has stated “I am one of the wealthiest, most successful footballers in the country. Why would I risk my career at Old Trafford, my place in the Portuguese national side or my club number 7 shirt just to have normal, intimate sex with one long-term sexual partner?”

The statement came after one national tabloid printed a story, entitled “My Monogomy Heaven”, detailing years of alleged lovemaking with the unnamed World Player Of The Year. The interview with a 31-year-old woman describing herself as “An unknown middle manager in a regional pharmaceutical firm” euphemistically lists repeated occasions where the footballer “Took my needs into consideration, preserved my anonymity to protect my feelings and continually insisted on treating me as a valuable human being.”

Press experts are already questioning the validity of the claims, with one stating “It’s a well-known fact that sexual intercourse with a footballer, whether it’s in a plush £1000-per-night hotel or against your will down the back alley of a low-rent nightclub, will always fall into two categories. Either the footballer is seriously under-endowed, can only last a couple of minutes and has no idea how to please a woman. Or the encounter can only be described as a ‘romp’, involving multiple orgasms, various foodstuffs and complex equipment. Ideally, the recipient will describe the footballer as an animal that has no trouble scoring between the sheets.”

The fact that the unnamed woman described her nights of passion as ‘lovemaking’ rather than “X-rated action” has also thrown her claims into doubt. The footballer in question, whose anonymity is currently preserved following a court order, stated “This is worse than when I winked at the bench after Rooney got sent off. I have the deepest respect for the traditions of the Premiership, and to imply that I would have sex without filming it on my mobile, involving my teammates in the action or just viciously sexually assaulting her is a terrible slur on my character.”

Lawyers representing the footballer, who due to legal restrictions can only be referred to as “CR”, have already supplied the police with several instances of degrading group sex and cash payments to rape victims as proof that the player could not have been involved in the adult, responsible relationship alleged in the article.

Hollyoaks Failing To Meet Masturbatory Standards

Soap ‘Barely Raises A Doughy Semi’ Says Ofcom

Channel 4 faced further criticism yesterday when an Ofcom report accused the broadcaster of failing to meet its remit of onanistic fodder via the teen soap ‘Hollyoaks’. “We have noticed that the amount of large-breasted teenaged girls prancing about in their underwear for no dramatically-justified reason has been steadily falling since 2004” said Ofcom. “Channel 4 attempted to make amends with the introduction of late-night episodes of the soap but our staff were saddened to report that these episodes merely forced the viewer to watch another hour of barely-coherent guff for a brief glance of nip.”

Channel 4 has been quick to refute the accusation, stating “We stand firm in our commitment to producing challenging entertainment away from the mainstream. We also acknowledge that, since its inception, Channel 4 has been the broadcaster of choice for those requiring visual stimulus for self-pollution but have no access to pornography.”

“Channel 4 strongly believes that the makers of Hollyoaks continue to make engaging, well-written drama that gives the viewer something to get them up the runway whilst idly toying with their genitals of a Sunday afternoon. That tarty dark-haired one would make the mercury in a thermometer stiff, for a start.”

Hollyoaks started life in 1995 and initially served as an outlet for the increasing number of out-of-work models and failed children’s TV presenters in the industry. Early plot lines were basic and functional, written merely to give the ‘actors’ a reason for moving about on the screen and included characters going to the shops, painting a shed and counting matchsticks.

But when an episode featuring four female characters washing a car was aired, Hollyoaks’ format was set in stone. Channel 4 quickly realised they had a program that could fuel masturbatory fantasies without needing to be a subtitled Dutch film about turnips. Spurred on by their success, producers wrote further storylines featuring a student house constructed out of a bouncy castle, mutant bra-eating moths and an outbreak of slow-motion lesbianism.

However, chairman of the Hollyoaks fanclub, Eric Ebbsfleet, feels that the soap’s standards have slipped dramatically. “There was a time that I could crack a couple out before the first ad break” said Ebbsfleet. “But these days it’s full of emo kids, middle-aged shopkeepers and stories about mental illness. You’d have to be positively German to slap yourself happy over that.”

BBC To Cancel Comic Relief

Impartiality More Important Than Alleviating Suffering, Says Broadcaster

The BBC have announced that they will no longer be hosting the biennial Comic Relief fundraiser over concerns it may breach the channel’s impartiality clause. “While we appreciate that the show raises a lot of awareness about poverty, hunger and lack of education in developing countries, we cannot be seen to show any political bias” said a BBC person. “As many of the problems in the Third World tackled by Comic Relief are created by corrupt and violent political systems, we feel it is better to let them get on with it if it means we can continue to justify our incredibly well-remunerated positions at the BBC.”

“Nobody can deny that working to give the world’s young a decent education, basic medicine and drinking water that doesn’t look like a biology experiment is a good thing” the BBC continued “But impartiality is the key issue. While it may be acceptable to imply, via our sitcoms and dramas, that everyone in Britain is white, middle class and used to be in Grange Hill, it is not acceptable to imply, even tacitly, that barking mad generals spunking their country’s GDP on 400-foot-high bronze statues of themselves, rather than child health care, is a bad thing.”

But Ofcom have warned the BBC that they must continue to change in order to avoid claims of partiality. “Close monitoring of the BBC’s output still show worrying signs of bias” said Ofcom person Tenko Ebbsfleet. “We are concerned that their programs still show bias toward the view that Chris Moyles isn’t a horrifically useless gusset stain and the idea that anyone gives a gently marinated toss whether some glamour model is any good at limbo dancing, for instance.”

Comic Relief, which has raised hundreds of millions of pounds since its inception in 1985, will now be looking for a new broadcaster following the BBC ban. One insider said “Channel 5 have offered us a good deal, so long as we can work in some sketches about shark attacks or Nazis. Freddie Starr’s already been in touch.” While the charity is disappointed by the BBC’s decision, they do feel some good may come out of it.

“Like any charity, we should always be looking for new ways of raising revenue, and a move away from the BBC may help us do that. It will also mean we’ll no longer have Jonathan Ross hosting the thing, so we’ll avoid having to apologise when he offers to have sex with a starving octogenarian Ethiopian woman. And no Lenny Henry, let’s not forget that.”

Halifax Howard ‘Livid’ At Oscar Snub

Moonfaced Not-Actor Trashes Set

Howard Brown, best known for his appearances in the Halifax advertising campaign, was arrested last night for criminal damage after he’d read he was not amongst the nominees for this year’s Oscars.

According to one inside source “The guy was reading a news website when the Oscar list was announced. He scanned down the list muttering “Howard Brown, Howard Brown, come on you fucking twats, where’s Howard Brown?” When it became obvious his name wasn’t there he just went mental. He threw his laptop at Cheryl from the Croydon branch, who was due to appear in the latest ad singing a version of ‘Simply The Best’. She’s got an eye on her like Gascoigne’s girlfriend this morning, the poor thing.”

Brown’s rampage continued for several minutes, during which time he threw a script at the advert director which is believed to have been smeared with his own faeces. Several pieces of the set were severely damaged by Brown kicking them while repeatedly shouting “I’ll give them extra, the fuckbastards!”

Howard Brown’s agent, Morden Ebbsfleet, issued a statement this morning, starting by saying “First of all, yes, I know – Howard Brown has an agent? What the actual fuck? Anyway” continued Ebbsfleet “I would first of all like to say that my client has the utmost respect for the Oscar judging panel. He also wishes the best of luck to his fellow actors Sean Penn & Mickey Rourke. Howard has often stated how much Penn’s method approach to acting has influenced his own work, especially during the “My First, My Last, My Extra Thing” campaign.”

“My client has been under great stress recently. The current economic client dictates that financial institutions cannot afford to pay vast sums of money to a wooden imbecile performing barely-acceptable karaoke. The pressure of this, as well as continuing his duties as a Halifax branch manager, led him to mix up his pain medication with some strong horse tranquilisers that had been placed in the dressing room by persons unknown.”

This morning, Metropolitan Police would only confirm that they had arrested “A buffoonish idiot in his early forties after an incident at Elstree Studios”. Brown is expected to be given bail, but one unnamed member of the camera crew who witnessed Brown’s carnage thinks this is a mistake. “The BAFTAs are just around the corner and if he’s not named again, god knows what will happen. I know he may look like a vaguely disappointed, myopic shrew but if yesterday’s performance is anything to go by, a lack of BAFTA recognition could make the bloke go totally Dunblane.”

Fatties To Binge On Slimming Medicine

Decision To Produce Pie-Flavoured Pills Questioned

As GlaxoSmithKline prepare to launch their non-prescription slimming pill Orlistat, many have criticised the decision to release the pill in a variety of flavours. Available from next month, Orlistat will come in “Smoky Bacon”, “Marshmallow” and “Pie” flavours. GlaxoSmithKline stated that “Extensive research has shown that our potential customers would prefer the treatment to come in a variety of mouth-watering flavours. Our decision to produce a form of the drug in a chocolate fudge milkshake reflects this.”

But Dr David Haslam of the National Obesity Forum has warned this could lead to accidental overdoses. “I have worked with thousands of patients battling with the terrible affliction of obesity during my time with the forum. And I can categorically state that if you make the pills tasty then these bunch of plumpers will be popping them down like they’re M&Ms.” Potential side-effects listed in Orlistat packaging include “Dizziness, shortness of breath and shitting like a torture victim drinking molten lead smoothies”

Research into the effectiveness of Orlistat has taken over ten years. The program hit a number of difficulties, with one research lab having to move offices after a KFC opened next door. “We’d be trying to see if the drug effectively absorbed fat from consumed food and they’d be shovelling buckets of greasy wings down their gullets at twice the normal rate, so we were back where we started” said one scientist. Another test group proved especially difficult, with researchers having to entice subjects into the lab with slices of Battenberg on fishing rods.

Screeching not-really-a-doctor ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith has criticised the Medical Council’s decision to allow sales of the drug, stating “At the end of the day, there’s no substitute for exercise and eating miniscule amounts of algae on dry wheat toast. If Orlistat is a success, then overweight people will no longer need to be made to feel like subhuman scum by the likes of me in order to lose weight. And how is a joyless, pinchmouthed harpy like me meant to make money then? Not many jobs allow you to bully everyone around you and lie about your qualifications, you know.”

When Orlistat is released, pharmacists will only be allowed to sell it to customers with a body mass index of over 28. “That’s roughly the equivalent of a shed made of Plutonium” said one pharmacist. There are fears that the criminally obese may cash in on this proviso by posing as customers for those not reaching the magic 28 BMI figure. “It’s a potential wheezing, sweaty, chapped-skinned black market waiting to happen” said the same pharmacist as before.

Sandy Ebbsfleet, a 32-stone lorry drive from Knutsford, is looking forward to Orlistat’s launch, however. “Hopefully this will be the end of a very long fight with my weight” said Ebbsfleet. “I’ve tried every fad diet going but finally I’ll be able to pop a pill rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and stop stuffing quite so much lard down my gullet. Another bonus is that slimming clubs might become a thing of the past and that dreadfully unfunny sketch they do on ‘Little Britain’ will become socially obsolete.”