Williams To Come Back As Apprentice For Take That

“Let’s See How His 6-Month Review Goes” Says Barlow

After Robbie Williams revealed his desire to rejoin housewife gusset-moisteners Take That, nominal head of the group gary Barlow has said “It would be great to have Robbie back working for us, but obviously that would be subject to a six month trial period where we can review his progress in key areas such as singing, dancing, modelling mid-price clothing ranges and not admitting to being gay.”

Williams made the announcement from his £7M Los Angeles mansion bought from the proceeds of his record-breaking £80M advance from EMI in 2002. “It would be great to work with the boys again” said Williams. “Gary, Mark, the one who looks like Willem Defoe recovering from crack addiction, the other one.”

“I have very happy memories of my time in Take That. Although outward appearances might suggest I always felt somehow being above getting interviewed by Smash Hits and opening swimming pools in Knutsford despite being little more than a tubby Butlins redcoat.”

However, Williams admitted that the main reason for wanting to rejoin the group was “The frankly ridiculous amount of money I owe EMI. That 80 large they gave me, that wasn’t just a present, you know. They were expecting that back in album sales. And ‘Rudebox’ barely paid for last month’s interest on the debt. Why I thought anybody would want to listen to a gobby foetus from Stoke rapping is anybody’s guess”.

“So when I saw the lads on the Christmas M&S adverts, I thought ‘Fuck this for a game of cock-tennis, I’ll have a wedge of that’ and got in touch.”

Barlow has outlined how Williams might be brought back into the Take That fold. “To begin with, we’d expect him to take on all the junior workload. Any TV appearances in Eastern Europe would be his responsibility and in the videos, he’d be asked to gaze appreciatively at me while I croon my latest batch of six-form stanzas.”

For Take That’s live shows, Williams would initially be pelted by the rest of the group with raw liver, three-pin plugs and contaminated medical waste. Pending satisfactory one-to-ones with Barlow, who would assume the role of Williams’ line manager, he may be allowed to thank the audience for coming between a couple of songs.

“Ultimately, it’ll all be down to his six-month review whether he stays permanently” said Barlow. “These are difficult times and very few firms are taking on new staff. For the price of hiring Robbie, we could have gotten three-quarters of East 17. No, we’ll have to see how it goes and we’ll also have to see who’s the useless fat twat now, won’t we?”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show

“Parents? Dead? Dead Parents?” New Catchphrase

Following the success of last night’s “Britain’s Got The Pop Factor”, Peter Kay’s next mockumentary is believed to be an hysterical send-up on the plight of war orphans called “Who’s Your Daddy? And Does He Dance Like This At Weddings?”. The show will feature Britain’s best-loved parental Christmas gift idea as Stan Hubris, an inept charity worker sent to a Rwandan orphanage with hilarious results.

“Peter’s comedy as all about inclusiveness” said Kay’s press officer Chorley Ebbsfleet. “Whether he’s laughing at the disableds or the funny way Chinese people talk, there’s no victims in his comedy. If you don’t include the people who bought that last live DVD of his that didn’t feature any new jokes, of course.”

“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people with lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.”

Speaking from the offices of his production company, whose logo is a hand being bitten by a mouth it’s trying to feed, Ebbsfleet gave a few hints as to what Kay’s legion of fans can expect to mindlessly keen in front of next year. “Peter’s this really stupid bloke, right, and he’s got a mate who’s even more stupid! They’re sent to work in Rwanda, so there’s lots of scope for culture clash comedy – why they don’t serve Panda Pops and the like – and the show finishes with Peter singing “Two Little Boys” to a row of quadriplegic sad kids. We expect to get the single out before Christmas, of course. We’re not stupid.”

Kay himself was unavailable for a full interview, but did say to reporters “Diminishing? Returns? Returns that diminish?”