Thursday, 27 March 2008

France Waves Wads Of Euros At Britain

Thousands Laugh Throatily While Groping Sexy Waitresses

France continued its campaign of making the UK feel inadequate, unimportant and pathetic by lining up along the coast of Calais and waving large denomination notes in the direction of Dover before setting fire to them. Dover coastguards reported hearing the crowd chanting “We have metric tonnes more of zis at home, you know?”

The humiliation started earlier in the week with the visit of French president Nicolas Sarkozy, when the visiting premier looked like a gracefully-aging crooner next to Gordon Brown’s civil-servant-with-angina appearance. Sarkozy compounded matters by introducing the Browns to his new wife, Carla Bruni. Brown was alleged to have looked at Bruni – a singer / model / heiress that looks like a sexy Roswell alien – before turning to his own wife and muttering “And I‘ve got another thirty years with that Yeti. Christ.” under his breath.

Sarkozy was also invited to a banquet at Buckingham Palace, where he was heard to remark “Zis is all very nice, but in my country we dealt with these parasites 200 years ago. In France, all zis would be, how you say, an art gallery with maybe a café selling incredibly tasty coffee.”

Matters were made worse last night with England’s 1-0 defeat to France in an international friendly. “We’ve got egg all over our faces.” said part-time England captain and full-time moron Rio Ferdinand. “But it’s beautifully creamy, free range egg cooked with fresh butter and just a hint of herbs. The buggers can make even something as simple as that taste lovely.” England manager Capello confirmed that the humble pie England were forced to eat by the French was “So tasty, many of the players had seconds. The pastry melted in the mouth and the filling was rich, beautifully cooked and packed with flavour. What’s worse is that it only took them 15 minutes to prepare it. Ribery apparently whipped it up in the dressing room at half time.”

International Relations expert Franck Ebbsfleet has warned that more is to follow. “By Saturday, I fully expect the French airforce to drop thousands of leaflets over Kent that boast about house prices in Ardennes. Bastards.”

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Halle Berry Child Name Outrage

“What’s Wrong With Ginseng?” Berry Asked

Halle Berry faced accusations of irresponsible parenting, immaturity and possible child abuse after naming her child “Dave”. Celebrity parents have been quick to round on Berry, who won an Oscar in 2004 for her role as a troubled widow in ‘Catwoman’.

“She is clearly picking a name like that to be different” said Tom Cruise, father of Suri, in a press conference earlier today. “We work in a profession where everybody wants to stand out as an individual. Now you can do that by being a great actor, a great humanitarian or being a closet homosexual cult leader with a spouse twice your size. But choosing a stupid, gimmicky name like Dave just isn’t an acceptable way of doing things.”

“The little guy’s life is going to be hell” said Gwyneth Paltrow, mother of Moses and Apple, before bursting into tears. Paltrow, who was attending the premiere of he latest film Straight To Video, said “Imagine the grief he’s going to get in the playground with a name like – how do you pronounce it? – Dave? He’ll be the only one there not named after a god, or a prophet or a piece of fruit or something. Poor little thing.”

Showbiz reporter Molina Ebbsfleet has suggested that Berry’s fragile mental state might be the reasons for naming her child Dave. “If ‘Dave’ wasn’t bad enough, we’ve had unconfirmed reports that his middle name is ‘John’. This would be okay if it was after John Lennon or Kennedy, but it turns out Berry had an uncle named John who she grew up with. She’s clearly going off the rails. She came out of the hospital and allowed the press to take photos of the baby, rather than bundling him out of the service exit in an armoured vehicle. She hasn’t even installed gun turrets in the family home for his protection.”

But one celebrity did come to Berry’s defence. Bob Geldof, father of Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie Frou Frou & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, said “Feck off and leave the poor wee girl alone. There’s nothing fecking wrong wth a name like Dave. Sure, I’d have called the kids Mary, Theresa and Josephine if it wasn’t for the dead missus. What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing. I think she thought she was naming types of Laura Ashley fabric, meself.”

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

US Stock Market Crash Continues To Make No Fucking Difference

“Price Of Cornflakes Completely Unaffected” Says Economist

Following the recent collapse of Bear Stearns Bank in the US and the consequent stock market slump, leading economist Terry Ebbsfleet confirmed that “My weekly shopping at Tesco still came to about thirty quid. And that was even after I’d bought a twelve-pack of Stella, which normally bumps it up a bit.”

Ebbsfleet explained the chain of events in the US economy meltdown “Some organisation you’ve never heard of still has all the same stuff it used to have, but now that stuff’s worth a lot less for reasons nobody really understands. So the government had to give them a shitload of money. The company didn’t buy any new stuff with it or anything, but they needed that money so the stuff they already own is worth what it used to be. I think that’s right, anyway.”

Ebbsfleet went on to explain the effect this had on the wider economy “Lots of other people who buy parts of completely unconnected companies suddenly decided that this meant those companies were now worth less too. Even though, yes I know, they still had all the same stuff – it’s not like all their office furniture suddenly fell to bits or they lost a building or something. So they told all their mates that the bits of company they owned could now be bought for even cheaper. They weren’t necessarily going to buy those bits of company, mind, but if they were they’d expect to pay less for it. I tend to get a little lost at this point but I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.”

Asked how this would affect people in the UK, Ebbsfleet replied “Not in the frigging slightest. Seriously. Fags & booze still cost too much, you can still get tins of beans in Aldi for about nine pence. It’s all exactly the same. When I heard the news I expected the supermarket to look like 5pm on Christmas Eve, but no. There’s still all the same amount of stuff in the world and it all costs pretty much the same amount to buy. Although Tesco have got some pretty decent two-for-one offers on lager at the moment.”

Describing any positive benefits that could be expected from the US slump, Ebbsfleet said “Well quite a few rich, sneering, cocky twats might end up penniless and blow their brains out, so there’s always that. But ultimately you’re still going to have to go to work, keep up your mortgage and pay over the odds for petrol. Same old, same old.”

Monday, 10 March 2008

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”

"I've Got The Cure For What Ails You" Say Health Writers

In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

According to the article, the health benefits of no-strings intercourse with lowly website writers are impressive. Weight loss, better eyesight and eternal youth are just some of the side-effects promised.

“The article is based on sound scientific principles” stated Tony Ebbsfleet, one of the article’s authors. “It has been proven time and again that meeting up with me for a night of tromboning, spanking and facials can vastly reduce the instances of liver disease and strokes. In fact, just one hour of giving me enthusiatic fellatio in a pub car park can burn off 400 calories and lead to smoother, younger-looking skin.”

However, the article has been criticised by some members of the public as misleading. Gemma, a 19-year-old fitness instructor from Knutsford, read the website and immediately contacted the authors. “I was really worried, because I like to look after myself and to my knowledge I’d never had sex with anybody from NHS Direct.” said Gemma. “They got back in touch within seconds with the address of a nearby hotel where they could ‘sort me out’ as they put it.”

After a three-hour ‘consultation’, Gemma states that she could feel no positive health benefits, although she was hopeful that the video footage taken at the time might give some insights.

Alan Johnson, Secretary Of State For Health, was unavailable for comment but his PA did confirm from personal experience that joyless, hurried sex with cabinet ministers could lead to an increase in trips to Paris.

Friday, 7 March 2008

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”

“You Have To Earn The Right To Get Shitfaced” Says MP

The Conservative MP for Knutsford, Sir Ingram Ebbsfleet, has proposed a taxation plan to “Stop those ghastly little poor people from daring to have fun.”

The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

Not all alcoholic drinks will be affected by the proposed rise in duty, however. “There’ll be no price change on stuff like Montrachet or Quinta De Noval” said Ebbsfleet “Lord knows they’re pricey enough as it is. And a good bottle of Talisker isn’t going to be affected. Really speaking, it’s just going to be the fizzy, sugary stuff the oiks use.”

Ebbsfleet also plans to place warning lables on the affected drinks, such as “Shouldn’t you be looking for work?” and “Drunkenness leads to sloth, young man”

The taxation plans will affect more than just alcoholic drinks. Wide-screen televisions, sovereign rings and tracksuits will all have duty on them trebled under the new scheme. “Basically anything that gets your average council house dweller hot under the collar” said Ebbsfleet.

The move was dismissed by Chancellor Alistair Darling, however. “The Tories can propose whatever they want, frankly, because they don’t run this fucking country – we do. They can suggest giving every pensioner in the UK a pet lion for all I care. It won’t make a lick of frigging difference at the end of the day, because our boy’s in number 10. People will do what we say and damned well like it.”

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Man Not Stabbed In Street Row – Police Baffled

"I Mean, Everyone Gets Stabbed, Don't They?" Says Investigating Officer

Police were asking for witnesses today as a 32-year-old man was not stabbed after an argument outside a Wetherspoon’s pub in Knutsford yesterday evening. The incident is confounding police as, according to DS Ebbsfleet, “We’ve not encountered a case like this for over ten years.”

The victim is a man with no history of mental health who, according to his neighbours, is “ A gregarious, outgoing man who has never kept himself to himself.” It is believed he had not been drinking in the Wetherspoons pub since the early afternoon and was not thrown out for rowday behaviour.

“As far as we can ascertain” said Ebbsfleet “He’d popped into the pub for a quick pint after walking his dog. Witnesses state he sat quietly reading a newspaper, had a quick chat with a couple of locals, then left after taking his glass back to the bar and saying thanks to the staff. I know, I know. Weird.”

One potential source of information – the fact the victim was walking his dog – has proven fruitless. Police have questioned his former girlfriends for the signs of sexual deviancy usually associated with dog walkers. But they uniformly described him as an adequate, unadventurous lover who showed no interest in being branded with cigarette lighters or wanking over flabby couples awkwardly fucking on the backseat of a Mondeo.

“As far as we can gather” continued Ebbsfleet “He left the pub with no intentions of committing any terrorist act nor, to our knowledge, was he planning to abduct a toddler to use as a screaming, sobbing sex doll. We think he just wanted to buy some chips then go home.”

It was on his way to the chip shop that the victim bumped into another pedestrian and an argument broke out. A bystander said “It was eerie. The other chap was Asian and not once did the victim scream racial abuse into his face. They both just sort of said “Watch we’re your’re going, mate” for a bit, calmed down, apologised to each other, then went on their way. You’d expect a blade to come out at that point – I mean, I’ve stabbed people for not placing a ‘Next Customer’ bar on the conveyor belt at Tesco – but no.”

DS Ebbsfleet fears that this incident could mark the start of a new trend. “If people start demonstrating basic respect and manners, we’re proper fucked. Well I am, anyway. I’ve got a mortgage to think about, you know.”

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

“Good Day To Invade Russia” Said Fuhrer’s Horoscope

"You Will Have Arguments With A Fat, Bald Cigar Smoker"

British Intelligence manipulated Hitler’s obsession with horoscopes during World War II by making him think “Taureans make bad übermensch”, according to files in the National Archives.

Ludwig Von Ebbsfleet, who defected from Germany as astrologer for “Das Sün” newspaper, claimed that Hitler, a Taurus, was so obsessed with astrology he contributed to Germany’s super-inflation of the 1920s by constantly calling premium-rate horoscope telephone lines.

In recently-released government documents, Von Ebbsfleet claims “Ze Fuhrer is nutty about his horoscopes, ja? For instance, he was starting ze Reichstag fire on February 27th because zis was a good day for fire signs.”

Allied Propaganda forces attempted to exploit this weakness by planting negative horoscopes in the German press using covert spy stargazers. An entry for June 6th 1944 – the day of the D Day landings – suggested to the Fuhrer that “It’s a good time for Taureans to spend time socialising with friends. Maybe a dinner party or a night at the theatre. Relaxing on the beach is not recommended, specifically Carentan, Saint-Lô, Caen, and Bayeux.”

The entry for April 30th 1945 proved to be the decisive part of the operation, with Taureans told “Things have been getting you down recently, Taurus, as all your plans at work seem to be going wrong. Maybe it’s time to try a new approach, like killing yourself in a bunker, perhaps.”

Churchill commented on the plan, called Operation Toper, saying “Never, in the field of human conflict, has one man set so much store by such a load of pseudo-scientific bollocks. I say we convince him that Taurus men are shit in bed.” Churchill, Sagitterian, also ensured that Hitler was convinced Sagitterians were hard as fuck.

The newly-released documents showed similar methods were used against the Japanese army. A fake Feng Shui expert was parachuted into Japan to suggest that their stuff wouldn’t look very nice in China. He wrote a further article in a national Japanese newspaper stating that all furniture within a 200-mile radius of Nagasaki should face away from the city centre.

Monday, 3 March 2008

T4 Presenter Fired For Sincerity

'Professionalism & Dignity' Also Cited

Following mounting pressure from T4 viewers - a disparate band of hungover thirtysomethings, pill-ridden twentysomethings and morbidly masturbating teenagers – Channel 4 have fired presenter Jez Ebbsfleet.

Although the broadcaster would not confirm the reasons for Ebbsfleet’s departure, an inside source suggests it was Ebbsfleet’s “Repeated insistence on showing genuine, heartfelt emotion in front of camera and his refusal to display faux enthusiasm toward whatever bulimic Hollywood child star was sat on the couch to promote their wretched wares.”

Ebbsfleet first caught the public’s eye on T4 for dressing like a normal human being, rather than looking like an elephant had just shat out the contents of Hoxton’s branch of Oxfam into a pair of Converse trainers. His hairstyle also raised eyebrows, mainly for being the kind of cut that wouldn’t get your average hairdresser fucking chinned.

But Ebbsfleet soon came into conflict with the show’s producer’s for “Not introducing yet another repeat of ‘Friends’ like he was doing the nation an enormous favour.” His diction also came under fire, as “He would not affect a drawling, bone-idle accent that his colleagues had perfected after years of hoovering gak in some godawful nightspot while a random Geldof played her frigging ipod over the main speakers.”

The final straw came during last week’s episode of T4. Asked to interview Al Pacino, Ebbsfleet allegedly studied several of the actor’s major works, re-read the main texts on american cinema and prepared questions asking Pacino how modern filmmaking compared with the maverick spirit of the 1970s.

The unnamed source revealed “The producers hit the fucking roof. How was Ebbsfleet supposed to yawningly sneer at Pacino with preparation like that? And contrary to T4’s editorial policy, his questions were pertinent, respectful of a genuine talent and likely to elicit interesting responses. He’d completely ignored orders to do a terrible ‘Scent Of A Woman’ impression too.”

Channel 4 would only confirm that Ebbsfleet was no longer working on T4 and again refused to give reasons for his departure. But the unnamed insider was convinced of the reasons. “Channel 4 can bang on about artistic differences, temporary contracts or ‘other projects’. But the truth of the matter is that Jez Ebbsfleet was sacked from T4 because he wasn’t an utter, festering fucking cunt.”