Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Man Not Stabbed In Street Row – Police Baffled

"I Mean, Everyone Gets Stabbed, Don't They?" Says Investigating Officer

Police were asking for witnesses today as a 32-year-old man was not stabbed after an argument outside a Wetherspoon’s pub in Knutsford yesterday evening. The incident is confounding police as, according to DS Ebbsfleet, “We’ve not encountered a case like this for over ten years.”

The victim is a man with no history of mental health who, according to his neighbours, is “ A gregarious, outgoing man who has never kept himself to himself.” It is believed he had not been drinking in the Wetherspoons pub since the early afternoon and was not thrown out for rowday behaviour.

“As far as we can ascertain” said Ebbsfleet “He’d popped into the pub for a quick pint after walking his dog. Witnesses state he sat quietly reading a newspaper, had a quick chat with a couple of locals, then left after taking his glass back to the bar and saying thanks to the staff. I know, I know. Weird.”

One potential source of information – the fact the victim was walking his dog – has proven fruitless. Police have questioned his former girlfriends for the signs of sexual deviancy usually associated with dog walkers. But they uniformly described him as an adequate, unadventurous lover who showed no interest in being branded with cigarette lighters or wanking over flabby couples awkwardly fucking on the backseat of a Mondeo.

“As far as we can gather” continued Ebbsfleet “He left the pub with no intentions of committing any terrorist act nor, to our knowledge, was he planning to abduct a toddler to use as a screaming, sobbing sex doll. We think he just wanted to buy some chips then go home.”

It was on his way to the chip shop that the victim bumped into another pedestrian and an argument broke out. A bystander said “It was eerie. The other chap was Asian and not once did the victim scream racial abuse into his face. They both just sort of said “Watch we’re your’re going, mate” for a bit, calmed down, apologised to each other, then went on their way. You’d expect a blade to come out at that point – I mean, I’ve stabbed people for not placing a ‘Next Customer’ bar on the conveyor belt at Tesco – but no.”

DS Ebbsfleet fears that this incident could mark the start of a new trend. “If people start demonstrating basic respect and manners, we’re proper fucked. Well I am, anyway. I’ve got a mortgage to think about, you know.”


Ephemera said...

I hear, from reliable sources, that Knutsford is full of such deviants. I blame the scapegoats.

Anonymous said...

whats the world coming to ,i ask you