Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”

“You Have To Earn The Right To Get Shitfaced” Says MP

The Conservative MP for Knutsford, Sir Ingram Ebbsfleet, has proposed a taxation plan to “Stop those ghastly little poor people from daring to have fun.”

The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

Not all alcoholic drinks will be affected by the proposed rise in duty, however. “There’ll be no price change on stuff like Montrachet or Quinta De Noval” said Ebbsfleet “Lord knows they’re pricey enough as it is. And a good bottle of Talisker isn’t going to be affected. Really speaking, it’s just going to be the fizzy, sugary stuff the oiks use.”

Ebbsfleet also plans to place warning lables on the affected drinks, such as “Shouldn’t you be looking for work?” and “Drunkenness leads to sloth, young man”

The taxation plans will affect more than just alcoholic drinks. Wide-screen televisions, sovereign rings and tracksuits will all have duty on them trebled under the new scheme. “Basically anything that gets your average council house dweller hot under the collar” said Ebbsfleet.

The move was dismissed by Chancellor Alistair Darling, however. “The Tories can propose whatever they want, frankly, because they don’t run this fucking country – we do. They can suggest giving every pensioner in the UK a pet lion for all I care. It won’t make a lick of frigging difference at the end of the day, because our boy’s in number 10. People will do what we say and damned well like it.”

Man Not Stabbed In Street Row – Police Baffled

"I Mean, Everyone Gets Stabbed, Don't They?" Says Investigating Officer

Police were asking for witnesses today as a 32-year-old man was not stabbed after an argument outside a Wetherspoon’s pub in Knutsford yesterday evening. The incident is confounding police as, according to DS Ebbsfleet, “We’ve not encountered a case like this for over ten years.”

The victim is a man with no history of mental health who, according to his neighbours, is “ A gregarious, outgoing man who has never kept himself to himself.” It is believed he had not been drinking in the Wetherspoons pub since the early afternoon and was not thrown out for rowday behaviour.

“As far as we can ascertain” said Ebbsfleet “He’d popped into the pub for a quick pint after walking his dog. Witnesses state he sat quietly reading a newspaper, had a quick chat with a couple of locals, then left after taking his glass back to the bar and saying thanks to the staff. I know, I know. Weird.”

One potential source of information – the fact the victim was walking his dog – has proven fruitless. Police have questioned his former girlfriends for the signs of sexual deviancy usually associated with dog walkers. But they uniformly described him as an adequate, unadventurous lover who showed no interest in being branded with cigarette lighters or wanking over flabby couples awkwardly fucking on the backseat of a Mondeo.

“As far as we can gather” continued Ebbsfleet “He left the pub with no intentions of committing any terrorist act nor, to our knowledge, was he planning to abduct a toddler to use as a screaming, sobbing sex doll. We think he just wanted to buy some chips then go home.”

It was on his way to the chip shop that the victim bumped into another pedestrian and an argument broke out. A bystander said “It was eerie. The other chap was Asian and not once did the victim scream racial abuse into his face. They both just sort of said “Watch we’re your’re going, mate” for a bit, calmed down, apologised to each other, then went on their way. You’d expect a blade to come out at that point – I mean, I’ve stabbed people for not placing a ‘Next Customer’ bar on the conveyor belt at Tesco – but no.”

DS Ebbsfleet fears that this incident could mark the start of a new trend. “If people start demonstrating basic respect and manners, we’re proper fucked. Well I am, anyway. I’ve got a mortgage to think about, you know.”

Care Home Investigation Reveals ‘Shocking Lack Of Abuse’

'It Was Nothing Like A Scene From Dickens' Says Stunned Inspector

State inspectors looking into allegations made against a children’s home in Knutsford have found “An almost unbelievable lack of neglect, mismanagement or fiddling.”

Inpectors descended onto the children’s home in the early hours of Sunday morning, prepared with dozens of counsellors, minibuses to bundle away traumatised youths and a box full of ‘Show Me Where They Touched You’ dolls. However, the scene that met them when they arrived was, in the words of one inspector “A breathtaking display of compassion, warmth and support.”

“In twenty years of doing this job, I’ve never seen anything like it.” said managing inspector Annie Ebbsfleet. “Every time we looked into a new room, there were further examples of hand-painted murals, comfortable furniture and in the main office there were even letters of thanks from former residents. Nothing can prepare you for stuff like this.”

“At first it seemed like an ordinary child abuse swoop. All the kids were huddled in one room, crying and shaking. We were all ready to ferry the children away to temporary foster homes across the country, severing ties with their friends so they’d not be reminded of the systematic sexual abuse they’d suffered. But it soon became apparent their distress was due to us kicking the doors in and subduing all the staff with a baton charge.”

Once the situation had calmed down and the children had been seperately interviewed, the full truth came to light. “We employed our standard interview technique. The kids were spoken to seperately in a room full of unfamiliar care-giving professionals. We told them that they could tell us anything – had they been starved? Beaten, perhaps? Had any grownup pushed something up their bottoms? I then roleplayed a brutal shower rape to see if it rung any bells with any of the kids. But not a dicky bird. It was quite extraordinary.”

Ebbsfleet said that investigations were not yet complete, but early indications seem to suggest that the home offered professional, caring support to vulnerable youths in a clean, safe environment and was staffed by hard-working, dedicated individuals. “It’s only a matter of time, though. Maybe there’s asbestos in the roof or they’re fiddling their taxes. There’s always something. If not, there’s a nursing home down the road and they’re always good for a bit of neglect. It’s not all doom and gloom.”

Nothing Happens In Knutsford

Knutsford News-Free For Third Day In A Row

Concern is growing amongst the journalistic community of Knutsford after nothing of note happened in the town for the third day in a row. Dave Ebbsfleet, chairman of the Knutsford Society Of Journalists, says the incident slump is the worst for two hundred years:

“We first noticed something was wrong on Saturday morning. Usually, a Friday night will have turned up something juicy like a punch-up in a pub or a dog savaging a kid. But when we checked our emails, there was nothing – nobody had even poked us on Facebook.

The last time it was this bad was in the early 1800s when most of the town was indoors with the dropsy. In the end, ‘The Knuttsforde Examinatory Gazzetteer’ just printed pictures of some weaving looms to fill the pages up.”

A combination of bad weather and people being skint after Christmas is believed to be the cause of such a quiet Friday but locals are baffled as to why the following Saturday & Sunday continued to be quite so journalistically eventless.

“I’ve lived here for forty years” said local resident Dylan Travelog “and I’ve never seen it this quiet. I had to get the bus to Chester and go to a titty bar for a bit of excitement. Bent right over, they did. You could see everything.”

There is some optimism from local authorities, however. “Knutsford is a thriving, exciting town” said Knutsford MP George Osbourne. “I am fully confident that it can bounce back from the current news slump. I have been in close contact with the chief of police and he assures me that a local drought in crack cocaine will soon have Knutsford drug addicts running around the streets like extras from ’28 Days Later’. 98% of the place will be on fire, stolen or in the process of being raped come Tuesday evening.”

But Knutsford journalists remain pessimistic. “At this rate, we’re going to have to beat up some old dears ourselves, otherwise the next issue of The Knutsford Chronicle is just going to be crossword puzzles, knitting patterns and ads for secondhand cars.” said Ebbsfleet.