Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Tesco “Now Richer Than Wall Street”

Chief Executive Awarded Norway In Bonus Package

Tesco unveiled their 10% increase in profits for the first half of 2008 by carving their profit & loss balance sheet in letters 300-foot high into the side of Mount Kilimanjaro. This was then followed by a concert debuting a newly-commissioned piece entitled “Tesco Uber Alles”, played by a 4,000-piece orchestra on instruments made from solid strontium.

Chief Executive Terry Leahy, announcing the boom in profits atop a 1,000-foot high Swarovski crystal tower designed by Sir Norman Foster, said “It’s been a very good year for Tesco so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go to fulfil our aims of owning every single electron of matter on this wretched planet.”

“Other ways of purchasing a few bits for the weekend still exist for consumers, and we should not rest until ‘Tesco’ replaces every verb in every language for the purchasing of goods. I dream of a day when a teenager Tescos his first pushbike, or a married couple celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by Tescoing some pilchards.”

As the hundreds of thousands of Tesco staff massed in the Tanzanian plains, Leahy revealed his yearly bonus, which is set to include “As many pound coins as there are atoms in a rhino’s cock, 78% of the tea in China, and the delightfully picturesque Scandinavian paradise of Norway”. It is believed Leahy plans to convert Norway into an 18-million hole golf course.

Leahy plans to expand Tesco’s empire by buying out every struggling banking institution on Wall Street and forcing the wealthy financiers to gather trollies in Tesco’s Knutsford branch for minimum wage. He then plans to flatten the offices of JP Morgan and convert the land into a Tesco Metro. “We might do chart CDs, I’m not sure yet.” added Leahy.

Shaky Geoff, the current trolley wrangler in Tesco Knutsford, is reportedly devastated at his forthcoming redundancy. “I don’t ask for much” said Geoff “Just enough money to keep me in batteries so I can listen to my Will Young CD on repeat while I shuffle round the carpark in the rain. Being spat on by the local teenagers, smiling at the lady shoppers ‘til I do a happy cry from my naughty place – that’s all I want. You done a bad, Mr Leahy.”

Monday, 29 September 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Fat Man Sues Tesco Over Exercise DVD
“No Respect For My Life Of Gluttonous Sloth” Says Fired Behemoth

43-year-old shelf stacker Brian Ebbsfleet is set to sue his former employer Tesco after they insisted he handle workout DVDs as part of his job. “It’s against my what-do-you-call-‘em? Human rights, innit?” claims Ebbsfleet.

The 23-stone former employee was fired last month for ‘gross misconduct’ but Ebbsfleet insists Tesco victimised him due to his beliefs. “I’ve always maintained that a life of inertia and inactivity is, you know, good and that. I’ve never been to the gym in my life and I get taxis everywhere. I save my energy for higher thoughts and stuff, don’t I? So when my boss asked me to move that box of ‘Hollyoaks Workout’ DVDs, he was mocking me, right? So I want my payout, in cash if possible.”

Tesco person Jane Knutsford stated “Tesco embrace diversity and we are proud of our record of employing staff from every background, race, religion and disability. Mr Ebbsfleet’s contract was terminated after repeated warnings for inappropriate behaviour. This included taking magazines into the toilets for ‘dirty tea breaks’, stealing doughnuts and calling his line manager a ‘ponce’.”

Incredibly Expensive Cars ‘Cool’ Says Survey
Consumers Want Unimaginably Lavish Products, Says Coolbrand

In a survey conducted by Coolbrand into the screamingly obvious, Aston Martin has come top in a list of desirable brands. “This is quite a shock” said Coolbrand person Pegs Intray. “When we did the survey, we were expecting the most aspirational brand to be Kiwi boot polish or Ldl. So when it came back that the brand of product people liked most were the manufacturers of £150,000 sports cars that James Bond drives, that was a surprise.”

Intray went on to say “Aston Martin has always had the air of sophistication, innovation and engineering excellence. But I think what has moved it to the top of our survey is that they make cars that go like coke up a supermodel’s nose and could make a statue of Queen Victoria gush fanny batter.”

With other brands in the top twenty including Rolex, Dom Perignon and Nike, Intray stated “It’s obvious from our findings that British consumers basically want to live their entire lives in a Jaz Z video, rather than their asbestos-ridden council prole holes.”

Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
“Jammy, Jammy, Jammy Fucking Jammy Bastard” Says Hollywood Insider

After his marriage to one-woman wank factory Scarlett Johansson was confirmed by publicists, Ryan Reynolds has been dubbed “The flukiest, most undeserving git on two legs” by Hollywood columnist Jinks Firetrap.

The two were recently wed at a simple service near Vancouver, as according to hotel staff “Mr Reynolds didn’t want the usual media circus for his wedding as this would delay the point at which he could take his missus back to the honeymoon suite and sauce her something rotten.”

Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Firetrap concedes that Reynolds’ good fortune is a recent phenomenon, however. “Not so long ago, he was hitched to Alanis Morrisette. Imagine that screeching at you when you’re hungover. No thanks.”

Friday, 26 September 2008

Shite Christmas Predicted

Britain “To Be Covered In A Blanket Of Despond” Say Forecasters

With the Met Office already stating that a white christmas this year is “As likely as catching Terry Lubbock in a gay clinch with Michael Barrymore”, many experts state that most of Britain will open their curtains on December 25th to “Scenes of unremitting bleakness, bereft of hope, charity or even a hint of rosy-cheeked yuletide jollity.”

Government predictor Tony Ebbsfleet stated “Now the Met Office has had time to collate all the data, it’s clear that this summer was the equivalent of listening to slowed-down Joy Division for a week in a damp bedsit in Clitheroe. This, combined with the unsurprisingly cack weather predicted for winter, means that Christmas Day will be like any other day in December – cold, miserable and dark – with the added negative of all the shops being shut.”

Ebbsfleet fears that other factors will combine to make this year’s festivities “Like being in a Mike Leigh film for three days solid.” With the global economy now more fucked than a dockside prostitute during shore leave, the prospect of some decent gifts seem unlikely, he warns. “I’m on government pay, which is normally a pretty good screw, but the kids are getting frig-all this year. They keep banging on about a Nintendo Wii but the way things are going they’ll be lucky to get a packet of Primark socks split between them.”

Television is unlikely to offer any refuge, as falling ad revenues force broadcasters into making increasingly cheap and tawdry programs. This year’s christmas schedule is set to include:

Nonentity Love Garage”, in which 12 complete unknowns are incarcerated in an Ilford lockup with 12 crates of Stella and “Ibiza Madness!” on permanent loop, resulting in the dead-eyed contestants circling each other in a sexually predatory manner, like sharks around a blood clot.

Songs of Condemnation”, a crisis-of-faith program where doubting Christians question God’s need for famine/war/Jude Law through the medium of song whilst weeping uncontrollably. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh & Richard Dawkins.

We Can Ruin Your Life”, starring Justin Lee Fucking Collins. An undeserving member of the public is selected at random and the very fabric of their existence is comprehensively dismantled by shady government operatives for no good reason.

“When I was a kid, there were 25 million people tuning in to watch Eric & Ernie” said Ebbsfleet. “This christmas, if over a million people watch some fat pleb crying while a lifestyle expert tells them how worthless they are, it’ll be considered a ratings smash. They’re not even showing The Great Escape, you know?”

When asked how the public can alleviate the predicted awfulness of this year’s Christmas, Ebbsfleet suggested “Getting absolutely Gascoigned as soon as you wake up. Seriously, go to sleep christmas eve with a case of Bells by your bedside. With any luck you’ll be out of it until it’s time to go back to work the following Tuesday.”

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’

Mayor Backs 2013 ‘City Of Jizz’ Application

London mayor Boris Johnson has promised Londoners blanket WiFi coverage in a bid to have the capital’s populace “Wanking like a bunch of caged monkeys” during an interview with BBC London Radio.

Asked to speak about the technological challenges facing London, Johnson said “Mankind’s intellectual and scientific development can be measured by our ability to access really high-quality grot. For instance, before the invention of the printing press, only those monk chappies could get their hands on woodcuts of maids with their charlies out. But by the use of movable type, Gutenberg democratised bongo for everyone.”

“By installing WiFi coverage across London, it shows us for the forward thinking, cutting edge city we are. It will send a message out across the world that our citizens are second to none in their ability to download scenes of Belgian stippling, clown rinsing and three-way dirty octopus action.”

Johnson believes that blanket WiFi coverage will help the capital’s bid to be named European City Of Jizz for 2013. The main contenders for the honour are Amsterdam, Berlin and Paris, with outsiders The Vatican City also believed to be making a bid.

London organisers have already drawn up a prospective timetable of events, including a wheelbarrow version of the marathon, the opening of “The Museum Of Anal Play” and a spectacular open-air bukkake porn shoot in Regent’s Park. The year-long celebrations would culminate on New Year’s Eve with confetti being fired from aeroplanes across the capital in what organisers describe as “The world’s biggest ever money shot.”

Reaction to the mayor’s plans were mainly positive, with one London cab driver commenting “As it stands, I have to wait until the missus goes to the shops before I can have a right good look at Dutch birds having things stuffed into them. But with internet access across London, I could carry on stirring my hairy cuppa while driving customers about. Marvellous.”

However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Juror Shot In Menezes Trial

“She Looked A Bit Jihad-y” Says Met Spokesman

A female juror has been shot and killed during a reconstruction of the last moments of Jean Charles de Menezes for the inquest into his death. While the juror’s identity has yet to be made public, police person Inspector Jack Ebbsfleet has described her as “In her mid-thirties, sort of an Arab-y, Asian-y colour and well dodgy-looking.”

The jury charged with the duty of exonorating the police of any blame and awarding the Menezes family a desultory payout were taken to Stockwell station to recreate the circumstances surrounding the shooting. For added realism, female jurors were asked to swipe their handbag over the Oyster card reader several times before taking their card out while male jurors stand behind them, impatiently tutting to themselves.

As the jurors boarded the escalator to take them to the platform where Menezes died, a police escort is thought to have suddenly screamed “Look out! It’s a detonator!” before pumping twelve rounds of hot metal death into the brainpan of the female juror, who was later discovered to be holding a half-opened can of Fanta.

Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “It is a tragedy that once again, our brave officers have been put through this kind of trauma. I can assure the public they will be on full paid sickness leave until they feel ready to bust caps into the asses of passers-by.” When asked for details about the dead female juror, he replied “We can confirm that she spoke with a funny accent and had one of those gaudy tissue boxes in the rear window of her car. Couldn’t pronounce her ‘W’s. You know the type.”

Electrician Menezes was shot in 2005 by armed police while on his way to work, resulting in Elsie Knutsford of Penge being given possibly the least believable excuse ever for a cancelled workman’s appointment. At the time of his shooting, police blamed “Procedural errors” and the fact that Menezes chose to run away from two plain clothes men waving guns at him and screaming that they were going to shoot him.

The trial was due to take twelve weeks, but this may be extended to give the courts time to find another juror not frightened of being cut down like Peter Weller in Robocop.

48 serving police officers giving evidence in the trial have been granted anonymity, as it is believed that many of them are black, Asian or female. One police witness stated “It’s a good week at work when I don’t find a fresh turd in the shape of a swastika in my locker as it is. If my name was published, I might as well throw myself down a set of stairs.”

Monday, 22 September 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

George Michael Apologises For Wham
“I Clearly Need Help” Says Club Tropicana Singer

George Michael held a hastily-arranged press conference this morning to publicly apologise for his many years of music abuse. “I’ve screwed up, over and over and over and over again” said the tearful star. “From Wham Rap, through Careless Whisper to that one about George Bush that nobody bought, I’ve taken advantage of my fan’s trust to release inspid singles onto an undeserving public.”

Many music insiders feel that patience is wearing thin for the strangely-bearded singer and that his apology might be too little too late. Chips Ebbsfleet of music website Tune A Sandwich said “I think in the 80’s people were a lot more forgiving. Sure, Michael did a hell of a lot of gaudy, poorly-written pop but everyone was doing it at the time.”

The singer is expected to check into a songwriting clinic to “Rid myself of my many demons – limp funk, 5th-form poetry and pretensions to proper soul music.” At time of press, Andrew Ridgely was unavailable for comment. “His shift doesn’t start until 3pm, mate.” explained the manager of A1 Minicabs.

Britain ‘Flooded With Worthless Pound Coins’

‘All Of Them Buy Precisely Tits-All’ Says Royal Mint

The Bank Of England has warned consumers that every pound coin in circulation in Britain is basically just a round bit of scrap metal. “The problem started several months ago when the economy screwed the pooch in spectacular style” said Mint person Tasty Knutsford. “People were confusing them with the South African 5 Rand coin. Not so much because they look the same as because they’ve become worth the same.”

Knutsford continued “The worthless pound coins are very easy to identify. If it’s got “One Pound” written on one side and a picture of the Queen looking smug because she’s still worth a fucking fortune on the other side, then you’ve got yourself one of the worthless ones. You may as well toss them into a wishing well and pray for a topless bird to appear driving an Aston Martin for all the use they are.”

British Telecom ‘Can Fuck Off’ Says Customer
‘No, Really Right Fucking Off’ Customer Adds

After failing to resolve the simplest of faults on a telephone line after two months, a BT customer has stated that “British Telecom can take all their absent engineers, gormless call centre staff, shit technology, woeful customer service skills and fling them all at a shit-covered threshing machine.” They went on to add “And you can include that gormless cunt in their adverts, too.”

After reporting a poor connection on their telephone line two bastard months ago, the BT customer, who wishes to remain nameless, has yet to have the fault rectified. “I use the phone line for broadband to update a daily satirical blog I write” the anonymous customer explained “But thanks to the phone line BT have provided me with, I’d be quicker tattooing the words onto a fucking carrier pigeon to get the job done.”

Excuses for not carrying out the repair works have ranged from “A system failure in our engineer booking department” & “A previously undiagnosed exchange fault” to “The incorrect alignment of Jupiter and Pluto” & “Running out of phone wire stuff.” Despite this, BT have called the customer an average of every three times a week to tell him the line has been fixed.

“Fixed, is it?” the complainant responded. “So whenever I pick up the phone, I meant to hear the sound of The Jesus & Mary Chain frying bacon, am I?” In an attempt to reach a resolution, the anonymous customer will suggest to BT that he’ll pay his bill when they learn to whistle The Star Spangled Banner out of their arse. The useless horde of cunts.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Forbes Release Top 400 Greedy Swine List

“I Could Buy You All” Plutocrat Tells Press Conference

Forbes magazine has released its annual Top 400 Rich List in the midst of a global economic meltdown today, and a surprise entry at 387 was Edna Ebbsfleet, a retired dinner lady from Knutsford. “Eeeh, I’ve never been on any list, me” said Ebbsfleet, adding “I’m 87, you know.” Ebbsfleet’s appearance on the list was due to the £356.27 she has saved in her Post Office account.

Economic expert Ting Fanshaw explained “Mrs Ebbsfleet’s fortune has been built on a sound fiscal model of placing £5 in her savings every pension day. She’s shrewdly avoided the whole sub-prime market and it’s clearly paid dividends.” Mrs Ebbsfleet’s joy at appearing in the Forbes list was short-lived, however, as newspaper columnists quickly condemned her for not sharing her wealth with those more in need.

“It’s disgusting that a grasping old crone like that can sit on her nest-egg while our boys in Iraq can’t even afford straight bullets” said unhinged journo Richard Littlejohn. “Gordon Brown promised a fairer society when he wasn’t elected to number 10, but people like Mrs Ebbsfleet can still sit back and watch the interest on their wealth grow by pennies every year. Oh, and foreigners and poofs are disgusting, in case I hadn’t mentioned it.”

Despite Ebbsfleet’s appearance, the top end of the Forbes list was still dominated by multibillionaires, with Bill Gates featuring at number one with an estimated fortune of $57 billion. Gates recently asked Microsoft advisors “What is this recession thing they keep talking about on the news? Is it a type of cheese? Can you run Windows on it? Can I buy one?”

The number three spot was taken by Hamilton Croesus III, whose personal fortune is an estimated $47B billion. The Croesus family fortune was started in 1848 with “Old Pa’s Slave Emporium”, based in Mississippi. The shop sold items such as the “Old Stripey” whip for the slave trade. They became famous for their slogan “Emancipate Yourself From Troublesome Negras”.

Today, the Croesus business portfolio has diversified into less controversial areas such as the arms industry, South American logging and representing Premier League footballers. At the Forbes press conference, Hamilton Croesus told reporters “Who the hell do you people think you’re looking at? I could have you shot, you know.” When asked his opinion about the current global recession, he replied “We’re all feeling the pinch, my boy. Why, only last week my Lear jet was clean out of ’57 Montrachet.”

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Doctors To Research “All Kinds Of Spooky Shit”

Three-Year Study Into Absolute Bollocks To Cost £25M

A national study into near-death experiences in heart attack patients, practical uses of voodoo and haunted hospital rooms “Where loads of patients have died, like, mysteriously and stuff” is to start next month.

The research project is coordinated by Southampton University in a bid to underline their standing as a centre for educational mediocrity and is to be funded by the NHS, direct from your pay packet, in lieu of doing something silly like giving people cancer medication.

The research is being led by Dr Sam Parnia, whose address is Southampton University, University Road, Southampton SO17 1BJ should anybody feel like sending him a letter, written in their own excrement, asking what the Christ he’s playing at. It is to take place in several UK hospitals, as well as nine in the US who at least have the excuse of not knowing any better.

Dr Parnia explained “In resuscitation rooms, we’re placing images on high shelves that can only be observed from the ceiling to test people’s claims of out-of-body experiences” whilst managing to keep a straight face only by an effort of Herculean proportions.

Other methods being employed to test claims of near-death experiences include asking patients to cross their heart and hope to die, measuring combustion levels of their pants and asking “A liar says what?” to see if the patients reply “What?” Dr Parnia has no plans to tell patients to get a fucking grip of themselves, stop talking such nonsense and be glad that proper, actual science has saved their lives as he feels “This will not produce the necessary kind of data to justify my enormous research grant.”

Some people suffering from heart attacks report seeing a tunnel or bright light, as well as looking down from above at the medical staff treating them. Parnia’s research team have decided not to investigate the monumentally higher number of patients who report crippling chest pains, shortness of breath and collapsing into a heap. “What’s spooky about that?”, as Dr Parnia explained.

As well as near-death experiences, the study will look into other unexplained phenomena with assistance from egregious liar Derek Acorah. “Mr Acorah is a recognised authority on paranormal activity” explained Dr Parnia “Not least of which the uncanny, inexplicable occurrence of an unconvincing shyster parlaying fraudulent psychic powers into a lucrative career.”

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive

‘Unbelievers Must Be Purified’ Says Royal Society Inquisitor General

After suggesting that it might not be a bad idea to put the theory of Creationism into some kind of scientific context, Professor Michael Reiss is to be burned at the stake outside Greenwich’s Royal Observatory this Sunday.

Professor Reiss, formerly the Society’s Director Of Education, was giving a talk in Liverpool when the damaging comments were made. “The goal of science is not merely the pursuit of truth” Reiss said “But also the dissemination of our findings. Many children are raised in households that believe in Creationism rather than the Evolutionary model."

“If the subject is raised in the classroom, it might be a good opportunity to discuss the issue and try to show that Evolution presents a more scientifically sound explanation than God and dust and nostrils and all that.”

Reiss’ speech was cut short, however, when three Cardinals from the Royal Society’s ‘Council Of The Suprema’ burst into the room and shouted “Nobody expects the Rational Thought Inquisition!!!” The Professor was then bundled into a car and taken to the Society’s “Re-Education Centre”, believed to be located in the bowels of the London Science Museum.

Albert Ebbsfleet, a leading Calificadore for the Royal Society, explained “Any heterodoxy must be purged from the masses until the shining, pure truth of rationalism cleanses their minds of unscientific thought. So it is written in the book of New Scientist.”

“We have been investigating Professor Reiss for some time and this is simply the latest act of scientific heresy.” Ebbsfleet listed a number of scientific offences allegedly committed Reiss, including touching wood for luck, crossing his fingers and saying hello to magpies.

The professor is due to be dragged in chains through the streets of Greenwich this Sunday, where mobs of empiricist fundamentalists are expected to pelt him with copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”. He will then be tied to a stake outside the Royal Observatory and burnt alive.

Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Lehman Redundancies ‘Funny As Fuck’

“WoooHahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Says Expert

The sudden redundancies of 5,000 traders, fund managers and financiers at Lehman Brothers Bank has been dubbed “The single most hilarious thing I’ve seen on the news in years” by economist Connaught Ebbsfleet.

Ebbsfleet, a professor at Knutsford University, states that while the bank’s collapse could have far-reaching implications for the world economy, it may also replace Del Boy falling through that trap door as Britain’s favourite comedy clip. “Some of them were actually crying as they left the office with their pot plants under their arms. Classic, absolutely classic.”

Viewing footage of bewildered city workers, whose company BMWs were taken off them, standing in a confused manner at bus stops trying to figure out how public transport actually works, Ebbsfleet commented “The only pity is that Lehman Brothers didn’t get sufficient warning that the sackings were going to take place. Not to implement some kind of structured rationalisation or anything like that. I just reckon they could have made a bit of quick money selling tickets for the exit interviews.”

Ebbsfleet estimates that at £10 a ticket, Lehman Brothers could have recouped £1.5M by allowing the public to sit and watch each smug, greedy, suit full of fuck-all being given the boot. “Imagine it” said Ebbsfleet “Sitting there with a box of popcorn and a sloppy grin plastered over your face as yet another blank-eyed public school monstrosity is told that his second home in the Dordogne is right out of the frigging window. They’d have to Scotchguard the carpets against fountains of hilarity-induced piss.”

The Isle Of Dogs Jobcentre has prepared itself by ensuring their coffee machine can dispense skinny mocha lattes and there are plans to add a sushi bar. Given the sudden influx onto the job market of city workers, Ebbsfleet gave some suggestions as to how they may be gainfully employed. “I think they should continue in their commitment to the companies they gambled away other people’s money on. Maybe they could go diamond mining in Liberia? Nike need more sweatshop drones and given the high mortality rate of the work, Brazilian tree-fellers are always in demand. They pumped billions into these companies, so maybe they should go out there and die of exhaustion and/or malaria if they thought they were such great organisations.”

Monday, 15 September 2008

Vampire Alerts Plan Launched

“We Need Protection From Denizens Of The Night” Says Blithering Moron

A pilot police scheme is being launched in Cleveland, Hampshire & Whitby allowing concerned parents to ask whether a friend, neighbour or strangely-accented occupant of a nearby castle is a soulless demon driven by a relentless thirst for blood.

Under the scheme, popularly titled “Van Helsing’s Law”, police authorities will be authorised to inform local families, innkeepers and peasant farmers whether somebody with access to their comely virgins has previous convictions for vampirism.

Calls for the scheme came from the high-profile murder of Wilhemina Murray, who was abducted and killed by serial bloodsucker Prince Vlad of Wallachia. Vlad gained the trust of the Murray family by posing as a Romanian violin teacher and the Murrays have campaigned ever since for increased information sharing by looking upset outside Parliament, conducting interviews entitled “My Pain” in hypocritically voyeuristic tabloids and saying “See? It’s happened again” every time a similar crime occurs.

The new powers begin in three days’ time when the moon shall brood gibbous in a storm-tossed sky. A typical scenario could see a concerned, potbellied innkeeper worried that his busty young daughter has stopped flirting innocently with the regulars, has become pale & withdrawn and whispers “My master calls to me” when the howling of wolves is heard. In such a situation, the innkeeper could ask the police to consult their database to see if the new master of the castle is on the Succubi Register.

But some are concerned that the new law could drive vampires further underground. “The registered undead might be currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and prescription plasma to stop them re-offending. But if their nocturnal proclivities become common knowledge, they could easily transform into a horde of bats and disappear into the night” said expert person Ebbsfleet Harker.

There are also worries that the new powers might increase vigilante attacks. “When a similar law was trialled in Budapest” said Harker “Police had to deal with a number of pitchfork-wielding mobs storming perfectly innocent castles and impaling the inhabitants. In one instance, they even killed a haematologist called Val Pyre in a case of mistaken identity.”

But the Murray family are adamant that the implementation of ‘Van Helsing’s Law’ is a step in the right direction. “It’s a start, but more is needed to protect our voluptuous milkmaids and serving girls. We want to see all vampires undergo chemical castration using garlic injections and to allow the police to use holy water against repeat offenders. Nothing can bring our little Wilhelmina back, but if our campaign continues to allow us to use our grief as a stick to beat everyone else over the head with, then that’s something.”

Friday, 12 September 2008

Government ‘Powerless To Stop Energy Firms Acting The Cunt’

“We’re Getting Our Wedge And That’s That” Says Eon Chief Exec

Following the government’s industry-financed package to help ease fuel costs for low-income families, Business Secretary John Hutton has admitted “Our hands are tied if energy suppliers take it upon themselves to recoup their losses in an arbitrary, unusual or unreasonable manner. Essentially, they’re going to squeeze you for cash until your cock bleeds and there’s sod all we can do about it. Sorry.”

The government’s plan to assist poor households included filling their walls with old newspapers, giving them those lightbulbs that take six hours to get bright and having somebody pop round once a day in shorts and a t-shirt saying “Blimey, I’m sweating cobs, me. You’ve not got your heating on, have you?”

The scheme, costing £910M, is to be financed by the major UK energy suppliers. After the meeting where the deal was finalised, Eon Chief Executive Paul Golby was quoted as saying “Over the past five years, Eon has shown its dedication to sustainable energy resources, streamlining service delivery and sponsoring local partnerships.”

“But our key focus is to keep whacking our prices up to the point where if you light your fag off the cooker ring, the gas used will cost more than the fag smoked. Mr Hutton has just bent me over his desk and rimmed £910M large out of me. Do you think I’m going to take it out on our customers? Do you? What do you fucking well think?”

Shortly after signing up to the fuel assistance scheme, Eon announced it would be exploring new methods in debt management, due to start next month. They are to include:

Waiting for elderly customers to return to their house on pension day, blocking their front door and saying “Looking pretty flush there, granny, aren’t we? Why don’t we both go inside, you stick the kettle on and we’ll talk about this bill of yours, sweetheart, eh?”

Tracking customers down to their local pub, standing next to them at the bar and demanding that they buy everyone in the pub a drink as ”You’ve clearly got money to throw around the gaff, ain’t you? Or you could settle your score with Eon and stop mugging us off, you fucking ponce.”

Sending bill reminders that contain covert photographs of the bill-payer’s children with the message “Lovely girl, your daughter. Must be coming up to sixteen soon, right? Grow up so quick, they do. She could pass for – what – eighteen? Nineteen? Not a court in the land would convict you, mate. Now when people owe us money, the court’s in our pocket. Anyway, think on. All the best, your friend Eon.”

Thursday, 11 September 2008

US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death

Ritual Slaughter Of Foreigners “Part Of Healing Process” Says Mayor

As part of the memorial service for the seventh anniversary of 9/11, officials in New York are to round up seven vaguely Arabic-looking homeless men and allow widows of the tragedy to shoe them to death.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg explained “The wounds caused by this terrorist atrocity are still very fresh in the minds of New Yorkers. Every day, we look up to the skyline and see two great monuments to the American dream are missing. And every day, we look down onto the sidewalk and see a heap of swarthy looking A-rabs walking around the place laughing at us.”

“Today is a day for saying ‘Fuck you, Johnny Iraq. We run this goddam planet and here’s a dose of all-American size 12s in the nuts for a reminder.”

The ceremony, due to take place at Ground Zero next to remnants of crushed filing cabinet and unidentified stockbroker teeth, will see the seven terrified, innocent immigrants tied to flagpoles flying the stars and stripes. The Jonas Brothers, America’s latest horrifying fundamentalist teen sensations, will sing a mournful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.

Then, as the sun slowly sets over the Hudson river, 47 screeching widows will rip lumps out of the blameless wretches, mouthing incoherent xenophobia and flinging gobbets of warm middle-eastern flesh into the baying crowd.

The ritual slaughter is just one of the many events planned in New York. As the traditional gift for the seventh anniversary is wool or copper, officials will also free 911 sheep into the streets of the city and give locals lengths of piping to bludgeon them to death with.

A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

New York resident Minsky Ebbsfleet said “We took a hell of a licking seven years ago, yessiree. But we wanna show the world that there ain’t no brown in the Big Apple.”

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling

Five Years Of Economic Misery ‘Cleansing’ Says Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling has defended the UK’s nosedive into a financial dungheap by saying it will “Rid this fine country of the many, many people that hold us back from greatness.”

Launching his new financial initiative, entitled “Less Moaning Bastards For A Better Britain”, Darling stated “Our economy has blossomed under a Labour government, leading to the best standard of living this country has ever seen. An Xbox in every bedroom and an iPod in every pocket, to paraphrase Herbert Hoover.”

“However, economic models throughout the ages have followed the Hegelian model of thesis, antithesis and synthesis. Or to put it another way, we’ve had it sweet for a while, so now we’re up shit street without an A-Z.”

Listing the key areas in which the economy has crashed like a drunken, texting lorry driver into a bus queue, Darling outlined how this will improve the country as a whole:

Property Market: “The general trend has been for a steady rise in property values across the UK. While this has led to increased financial security for many families, it has also led to endless, tedious bastard conversations about how much the nominal value on a chosen heap of masonry has increased over twelve months. Jesus, I’d rather talk about goat farming.”

“And then there’s estate agents. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fuckfucks. A slump in the housing market will realign the public’s perception of what a house is actually for – it’s somewhere to fall into after the pubs have shut.”

Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

“But the average age of the UK’s population currently stands at 78. Skyrocketing gas bills combined with a really cold snap round about February will ease the nation’s hospital, pension and cat food burden immeasurably.”

Petrol Prices: “As mentioned above, I really don’t want to wake up in a ditch somewhere with my knees broken and my head on fire, so whatever they want to charge for petrol is fine by me, as long as they leave my bollocks unchewed.”

“But if a litre of petrol eventually costs more than a bottle of 30-year-old single malt whiskey, it will mean that unbearable turds zooming around in their Range Rovers will disappear overnight. And it will piss that Clarkson feller off no end, which can’t be a bad thing.”

Food Bills: “Most of you are too fucking fat anyway. Simple as.”

Darling’s economic strategy has been hailed by financial experts, with one saying “Politics has been dubbed ‘the art of the possible’ but Darling has shown it’s really the art of being a pragmatic, heartless prick.”

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Scientists To Prove Existence Of Stupidity By Firing Information At Idiots

“Grand Unified Theory Of Durrr A Possibility” Says Boffin

When the Large Hadron Collider is switched on in Switzerland tomorrow, researchers are hoping to prove that when complex concepts of a high enough density are fired at incredible speeds at drooling slackjaws, the previous theories of mass dimwittedness can finally be proven.

“It’s an exciting time in the scientific community” said boffin Ted Boffin. “For decades we’ve theorised about the existence of some overarching law of flatheadedness. Over the past few years we have been firing increasingly taxing levels of astrophysical jargon at the general public using what we call a “Scientific Article Accelerator”. On Wednesday we hope to reach critical speeds to peer into the very heart of stupidity itself.”

Some commentators are concerned that the experiment could possibly create a “Kyle Hole”, a point in the universe of infinitesimal size and immeasurable idiocy from which no rational thought, reasoned debate, culture or intellect can escape.

“It’s a very real concern” said science person Cain Ebbsfleet. “There is a marginal but nonetheless possible chance that the accelerator might create a Kyle Hole deep in the mountains of Switzerland.”

At first, no effect will be noticed, but within a few days, the Swiss will show a noticeable upturn in the amount of novelty ringtones downloaded onto phones, says Cain. After just a couple of weeks, most of mainland Europe will barely be able to read without moving their lips. And by the end of September? “The whole planet will be engulfed by people unable to tie their own shoes, pounding their fists against the laces grunting ‘Make foot clothes go tight! Nnnggh!’. The end of thought as we know it.”

Boffin remains upbeat, however. “In all probability, the experiment will be unsuccessful. We might isolate the particle that makes people buy The Daily Mail, but these doomsday scenarios are highly unlikely.”

The schedule for the LHC experiment tomorrow is as follows:

9:00: Scientists arrive at lab.

9:30: Having made coffee and had their morning dump, the massive computers powering the LHC are initiated.

10:30: Scientists finish using computers to check their Facebook and Hotmail.

11:45: The LHC is cooled to -271 degrees. The temperature is confirmed by placing a Geordie into the collider and seeing if he puts on his coat.

12:30: The mob of pitchfork-wielding villagers are shooed away from the doors after their protests that “You meddle in things not meant for man to know.” are dismissed as the result of stray dimwit particles from the equipment.

13:00: A copy of The New Scientist is accelerated to nearly the speed of light before being fired at a minicab driver. The trails of buffoon energy will then be analysed by researchers.

Monday, 8 September 2008

“How Do You Want Threatening?” Asks BBC

TV Licensing To Poll Whether Death Squads Necessary

The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting “Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover” in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Simeon Ebbsfleet, chief consultant with ‘Yah?!', the media public relations company, has been asked to set up talks with license payers about the BBC’s current TV License advertising campaign. “With the last campaign, there was a definite 22% downswing amongst A, AB & AB1 sectors in positive feedback.” said Simeon in an attempt to make his job sound like proper science rather than the pseudo-shite it actually is.

The recent advertising campaign, which featured slogans such as “Dream About Fools & Horses And We Can Demand £140” and “£140 NOW Or I will Fuck You Up, Boy.” were seen by many as being intimidatory. Yah?! is expected to advise the BBC to take a more placatory tone in future campaigns. “Ultimately, the BBC get their money or people go to jail, but we’d advise them to imply the public had a choice, as it makes them feel better” said Simeon.

The agency have proposed new campaign slogans such as “£140 As Soon As You Can, Please. We’ll Just Sit Here With Your Nan While We Wait.” and “Your License Can Be Paid In Easy Monthly Instalments. Just Like A BUPA Operation For Split Kneecaps.

“Ultimately, we want people to see that their license fee is a small amount to pay for hours of quality programming” said BBC person Winston Knutsford at today’s press conference. “Do you know how much one license buys? Three weeks’ worth of tissues for Jonathan Ross, that’s what. We’re patient people at the BBC – public school will do that for you – but ultimately there’s a limit. If we don’t see a cheque for £140 from every household in Britain winging its way to us by next Friday, it’s going to be dawn raids by masked, armed gunmen I’m afraid.”

An OFCOM spokesman, who did not wish to be named, said “I’d rather owe money to a crumbling Columbian drugs cartel than those fuckers at Portland Place. Seriously, don’t come crying to us. Just meet their demands and your family will be fine. It’s just easier.”

When OFCOM’s statement was read to Winston Knutsford, he replied “Anonymous? My old grannies cunt. I know who does their press statements and our database is very very precise, believe me. I think the boys need to pay him a visit. Thanks for tipping us off. Now if there’s nothing else, kindly piss off before I charge you another £140 for the use of my carpet, you fucking peasant.”

Friday, 5 September 2008

Moyles Slammed For Promoting ‘Being Shite’

DJ ‘Frequently Revelled In Mediocrity’, Says Report

Radio 1’s jumped-up iPod Chris Moyles has been the subject of serious criticism from an academic study that found he “Repeatedly attempted to make being a moronic, bullying, talentless buffoon appear a glamorous, aspirational lifestyle.”

The study, which listened to over 1,000 hours of radio, found over 600 references to ‘being a boorish, unfunny braggard’, 375 references to ‘thinking mild homophobia and pig ignorance is hysterical’ and 250 references to ‘basking in the fact he’s an unimaginative, obnoxious shitpeddler’ in Moyles’ show.

Researcher Karl Ebbsfleet said “It’s a dangerous message to be sending out, particularly at a time of day when kids could be listening. Childhood stupidity is steadily increasing, as well as the number of youths dabbling in pig-eyed bigotry.”

“Many of these kids will look up to Moyles and think “He’s a globulous, sexist, opinionated, pointless fat heap of dung and he’s a millionaire. If it’s worked for him it could work for me.” But what they don’t realise is that binge idiocy usually leads to a very unhappy life, probably driving a minicab, boring acquaintances down the pub with your unoriginal quips and ill-informed opinions.”

Moyles joined Radio 1 in 1997 where he was an instant hit amongst the broadcaster’s hooting, subhuman listeners with his hilarious song parodies that replaced one word of the song title with something else, usually ‘beer’ or ‘pie’.

Early features in Moyles’ show included “Fuck Off, You Poof”, “Let Me Feel Your Tits And I’ll Give You A Pound, You Fucking Whore” and “Guess Who I’m Shagging?”, in which he described the latest hapless starfucker who was prepared to have his juddering, sweaty carcass heaped on top of her for three minutes in order to get a job as a runner for Terry Wogan.

Moyles has had frequent run-ins with Ofcom, mainly over his repeated insistence on being an asinine fuckwad, but has so far managed to hold on to his vapid nonentity of a job. Ebbsfleet, however, feels his new academic study could spell the end for the DJ.

“Society has changed and the message broadcasters send out to youths needs to reflect that.” said Ebbsfeet. “Gun & knife culture, excessive drinking, eating junk food – we cannot have these glamorised by the media. But more than that, we cannot have a whole generation growing up thinking that being disgraceful, pathetic, revolting shitefist like Moyles is acceptable.”

Thursday, 4 September 2008

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Bigger MPs Did It & Ran Away, Says Darling

At a press conference to explain why the UK economy is going down the shitpan faster than a greased turd, Chancellor Alistair Darling stated that “It wasn’t me, it was some bigger MPs from across the road.” With fuel prices and house prices going respectively up and down like a wanker’s elbow, Darling explained “I came in to work one day and there was already three big MPs sat in my office. They’d thrown the economy all around the room and all messed it up.”

“I told them to stop but they just laughed and threw the rate of interest at me. When I threatened to tell Gordon Brown, they said they’d tell everyone in the House of Commons they’d caught me kissing a dog, with tongues and everything.”

Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

Republican Vice President candidate Sarah Palin has topped FHM’s list of hate-fucks for 2008. A late surge in voting after her nomination saw her win out in the list of women FHM readers think are really obnoxious but still wouldn’t mind slapping wrinkles with.

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”

90 Flood Dead ‘Not American’ Say Reuters

International news agency Reuters have confirmed that the 90 people who died in recent floods, devastating their families and laying bare human grief at its most extreme, were not American. “As such”, said Reuters person Tingly Knutsford “Their families have got some fucking brass neck banging on like somebody gives a crispy shit about it.”

The 90 casualties, along with the 650,000 rescued survivors were from “Some um-bongo place near the Himalayas” said Knutsford “India? Bangladesh? One of those. Like anyone could frig less where.”
Knutsford went on to say that as long as the price of Nikes didn’t go up, they could wade through chest-deep water for the rest of their lives as far as he was concerned. He then went into a detailed account of a New Orleans family that might have to wait six weeks before their insurance company ponies up for a new Lexus.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Scientist Invents Gene To Stop Sleeping On Couch

“Forgetting Birthday Chromosome” Also Bogus, Admits Boffin

The Swedish scientist who recently published a report suggesting that infidelity amongst men might be genetically motivated has admitted that he faked results “So I could sleep in my own bed and stop getting glared at over the breakfast table”.

Dr Hoorst Ebbsfleet published his research paper “Why Men Might Be Caught In A Travelodge With The Woman Who Works In The Betting Shop” earlier this week in which he stated that the gene SMNTM (She Meant Nothing To Me) might be the cause of extramarital affairs.

“The SMNTM gene mediates several processes throughout the body, including blood pressure and water retention as well as the production of neuropeptide vasopressin” wrote Ebbsfleet in his study. “Studies on test animals showed that inherited defects in this gene group caused a 62% rise in meeting blonde pieces in pub car parks for frenetic knee tremblers while their wife was visiting their sister.”

Ebbsfleet went on to show that lab mice with this genetic defect were more likely to forget birthdays, get drunk and let themselves go a bit. “Given that the observed responses stemmed from an inherited defect as opposed to learned behaviour, we can conclude that laboratory mice’s mates should stop bloody crying every time they look at them and stop checking their phone for text messages every five bleeding minutes.”

The study was a sensation in the scientific community, with one Harvard professor commenting “Dr Ebbsfleet’s findings are extraordinary and will radically change views on the nature/nurture debate, as well as giving me some ammunition about what happened at my office Christmas party last year.”

Early this morning, however, Dr Ebbsfleet called a press conference to admit he had fabricated data in his study. “I have been less than honest in my findings, and for that I apologise” said Ebbsfleet. “While there were suggestions that the SMNTM gene did have some effect on behavioural responses, the conclusions we reached were perhaps more specific than they should have been. But come on, it was three fucking months ago and I’m still on hand rations. I had to do something.”

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Last-Minute Transfer Summary

All The SS Titanic Deckchair-Rearranging In Full

Oaumlaiut Hoeueergsson: £1.2M from Ottawa Phlaatpak to Hull City

Hoeueergsson joins Hull City from Norwegian side Phlaatpak on a 3-year deal. He’s a pacy striker (the pace in question being that of a glacier ploughing through a fjord) that manager Phil Brown hopes will give his side more cutting edge up front.

“Hoeueergsson’s a big lad – we signed him last night but it will be two weeks before the roll on, roll off ferry delivers him to Hull – and we reckon he’ll give us great presence from dead ball situations. Especially in the last twenty minutes, as that’s how long it will take him to lumber up to the penalty area.”

Manuel Franco de Paella: £6M from Vallillollillaoledid to Liverpool

de Paella has been tracked by the Liverpool manager for several months after impressing him with his displays of Spanishness. “He is very Spanish, which is good.” said Benitez “And we hope he can bring this Spanishness to the side.”

Pundits feel that de Paella has been bought to solve Liverpool’s problems in wide midfield areas, but Benitez was quick to deny this. “No, there is no problem for us in these positions. We have a failed striker, a convicted drunk-driver, somebody who wasn’t good enough for West Ham – many players for these positions. What de Paella can bring to the team is being born in Spain. Can Bentley, Downing, Ronaldo claim this? No. So they are not as good”

Stan Hilton: Free from Sunderland to Stoke

Stan Hilton’s signing to Stoke signals a remarkable achievement for the 39-year-old defensive midfielder, as it now means he’s played for all 92 teams in the English football league.

Stoke manager Tony Pulis said “Hilton brings with him a wealth of experience, as well as a chronic gambling habit and knees made out of twigs and spit. He’s a great bloke to have around the dressing room, not least because his brother makes regular booze runs over to Calais.”

Hilton is looking forward to resuming his career at Stoke after being frozen out at his former club. “I just want to get back to match fitness, get on the team sheet, and kick hapless young strikers up into the air once more.” said Hilton.

Broulaealiz Kheaarinian - £4M from HK Gaziantep FC to Newcastle United

“Look, we had to sign somebody, anybody” a weeping Kevin Keegan told the press this morning. “It was twenty to midnight, no bugger would sign for me, I’ve got eight fit players for our next match, so I had to take a punt. I typed in ‘Finishing = 18 or more’ and ‘Cost: No more than £5M’ into my copy of Football Manager and this feller’s name popped up. So here he is.”

A beaming Kheaarinian told reporters “I am honoured to play for a team like….Newcastle, that’s right. Newcastle. Yes.” Keegan added “I would love it, just love it, if I actually knew what position he played in.”

Monday, 1 September 2008

Nazi Hurricane Gustav Threatens New Orleans

“For You, Dixieland, Ze Mardi Gras Is Over” Warns Teutonic Weather Front

Millions have fled New Orleans after warnings that a 115mph National Socialist storm is set to flatten houses, bring widescale floods and usher in a glorious thousand-year Reich. Hopes that the storm would leave the city unmolested were dashed last night by BBC weather man Rob Mcelwee in a prepared statement:

“I am speaking to you from the roof of BBC television centre.
This morning Michael Fish handed Hurricane Gustav a final note stating that unless he veered off into the Atlantic by 11.00 pm, a state of war would exist between us.
I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently New Orleans is absolutely monster-fucked.”

Speaking from his home just off the Cuban coast, Hurricane Gustav warned the residents of the Gulf shore that he would be merciless and all-conquering in his northerly blitzkrieg across America.

Smoking from a cigarette holder, his eye gleaming manically through his monocle, Hurricane Gustav told reporters “Ve haff ways of having you evacuated into a football, stadium, ya? For too long, ze decadent Americans haff allowed mongrel jazz music undt women flashing ze big boobies when they haff ein string of beads. No longer, mein friend. Tomorrow sees ze glorious rise of der Uber Cyclone. Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Band Of Low Pressure!”

Despite Hurricane Gustav not having yet hit land, work has already started on a Hollywood blockbuster about his swathe of tropical, goose-stepping destruction. Chip Ebbsfleet, a Hollywood reporter, stated “This is the hot ticket film of the year. Michael Bay apparently crapped in his jacuzzi when he heard about it and has already done a script treatment and initial casting.”

The film, due to be released in time for Christmas 2008, will star Matt Damon as a maverick, alcoholic weatherman who tries to warn the government about the fascist storm system while fighting custody for his daughter (Dakota Fanning) with his estranged wife (Cate Blanchett).

Hurricane Gustav (Ralph Fiennes) is enraged when he hears of Damon’s interference and kidnaps his daughter, provoking a grandstand battle between the puffy-faced meteorologist and the 500-mile-wide weather phenomenon. The final confrontation is set to cost $412M in CGI effects alone. One New Orleans resident has said “As soon as I dig my two-room shack out of eleven feet of tidal mud, I’ll definitely go and see it.”