"Fuck Off With That Scalpel" Kinnear Tells Surgeons

Noted Cardiologist Threatened With “A Good Bollock-Mangling”

Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear has jeopardised his health after dubbing his surgical team "A shower of shitfists" according to medical staff. "We were trying to discuss his bypass operation" said anesthetist Jason Ebbsfleet "And he just pointed his finger at each member of staff and came out with a different swear word."

The consultation started badly when Kinnear asked who would be performing the operation. When cardiologist Dr Frank Knutsford identified himself, Kinnear retorted "You're a cunt." After two nurses fainted during the discussion, Kinnear was moved to a specialist ward staffed by ex-navvies.

Kinnear was rushed into hospital after complaining of chest pains. A transcript of the 999 call records the following conversation:

“999 emergency. Which service do you require?”“Just fuck off and listen to me, you twat-farm. I’ve got pains in my christing chest and I need a shitting ambulance. Com-fucking-prende?”

“Please calm down sir. When did these pains start?”“As soon as I started talking to you, you frigging cock-wrangler. Ambulance. Now. Get my shagging drift?”

The operation is due to take place tomorrow and Kinnear’s medical team predict possible complications. “It’s unusual that we’d have to strap a patient’s arms down during an operation” said Ebbsfleet “But with delicate surgery like this, we can’t afford to have him flicking the v’s at the theatre nurse during surgery”.

Kinnear’s agent has released a statement regarding the Newcastle manager’s recuperation. “Joe expects to be out of hospital by next week. He told me today that he ‘Will spend a couple of months at home with the bunch of wankers I call a family. Newcastle will just have to titting well look after itself.’”

Fans flooded Newcastle’s internet board with messages of support. “Get arseing well better soon” read one post, while “Tooning Fork 4Eva” wrote “Hope to see you back in the dugout soon, you old twatbladder.”

Newcastle FC told reporters “In the spirit of Joe’s time at the club, we’d have to say that as we’re currently near the bottom of the table and without a manager, we’re up cunt creek with a dick paddle.”

Last-Minute Transfer Summary

All The SS Titanic Deckchair-Rearranging In Full

Oaumlaiut Hoeueergsson: £1.2M from Ottawa Phlaatpak to Hull City

Hoeueergsson joins Hull City from Norwegian side Phlaatpak on a 3-year deal. He’s a pacy striker (the pace in question being that of a glacier ploughing through a fjord) that manager Phil Brown hopes will give his side more cutting edge up front.

“Hoeueergsson’s a big lad – we signed him last night but it will be two weeks before the roll on, roll off ferry delivers him to Hull – and we reckon he’ll give us great presence from dead ball situations. Especially in the last twenty minutes, as that’s how long it will take him to lumber up to the penalty area.”

Manuel Franco de Paella: £6M from Vallillollillaoledid to Liverpool

de Paella has been tracked by the Liverpool manager for several months after impressing him with his displays of Spanishness. “He is very Spanish, which is good.” said Benitez “And we hope he can bring this Spanishness to the side.”

Pundits feel that de Paella has been bought to solve Liverpool’s problems in wide midfield areas, but Benitez was quick to deny this. “No, there is no problem for us in these positions. We have a failed striker, a convicted drunk-driver, somebody who wasn’t good enough for West Ham – many players for these positions. What de Paella can bring to the team is being born in Spain. Can Bentley, Downing, Ronaldo claim this? No. So they are not as good”

Stan Hilton: Free from Sunderland to Stoke

Stan Hilton’s signing to Stoke signals a remarkable achievement for the 39-year-old defensive midfielder, as it now means he’s played for all 92 teams in the English football league.

Stoke manager Tony Pulis said “Hilton brings with him a wealth of experience, as well as a chronic gambling habit and knees made out of twigs and spit. He’s a great bloke to have around the dressing room, not least because his brother makes regular booze runs over to Calais.”

Hilton is looking forward to resuming his career at Stoke after being frozen out at his former club. “I just want to get back to match fitness, get on the team sheet, and kick hapless young strikers up into the air once more.” said Hilton.

Broulaealiz Kheaarinian - £4M from HK Gaziantep FC to Newcastle United

“Look, we had to sign somebody, anybody” a weeping Kevin Keegan told the press this morning. “It was twenty to midnight, no bugger would sign for me, I’ve got eight fit players for our next match, so I had to take a punt. I typed in ‘Finishing = 18 or more’ and ‘Cost: No more than £5M’ into my copy of Football Manager and this feller’s name popped up. So here he is.”

A beaming Kheaarinian told reporters “I am honoured to play for a team like….Newcastle, that’s right. Newcastle. Yes.” Keegan added “I would love it, just love it, if I actually knew what position he played in.”