Thursday, 31 January 2008

Beadle Jokes Reach ‘Epidemic Proportions’

Ten Thousand Jokes Cracked Every Minute, Say Experts

Following the death of 1980s unfunnyman Jeremy Beadle, jokes about him have reached an unprecedented level. Epidemioligist Matthew Ebbsfleet stated “Background levels of Beadle jokes normally run at about one joke per 100,000 households per year. But if Beadle jokes spread at the current rate, we estimate that 70-80% of UK households will have experienced some form of small-hand-based humour by the end of the month. And we simply don’t have the resources to stop it.”

Early investigations suggest that the first jape at the dead man’s expense was cracked in the North London hospital where he died, but quickly spread across the capital and further afield. According to Ebbsfleet “The problem is that the jokes are so easy to spread. A witty monologue or song is very cumbersome, and can take some time to be communicated from one person to another. But a one-liner, about life having dealt him a terrible hand for instance, can be spread in a moment in offices, public transport and even email.”

The three main factors in the spread of Beadle jokes are, according to Ebbsfleet:

1: Beadle was popular in the 1980s, meaning he is best-known by glib, sardonic thirtysomethings, all of whom have ready access to text messaging, Facebook, etc, making them prime carriers of Beadle jokes.
2: Existing Beadle humour. Beadle jokes have existed for years in the background, and an event like his death can be the trigger for them to suddenly surface in huge numbers.
3: Beadle’s disability. “Let’s face it, disabled people are funny.” said Ebbsfleet. “God help us when Stephen Hawkins dies because I think we’ll be totally overwhelmed.”

Ebbsfleet is calling on employers to temporarily add the word ‘Beadle’ to their firewall programs in an attempt to stem the flow, but in a bizarre twist Beadle’s death has helped physicists dealing in photon research.

Photons are sub-atomic particles that can, in the right circumstances, travel faster than the speed of light and therefore travel through time. A spokesman from the Knutsford Physics Laboratory stated “We have some evidence that, seconds before Beadle died, a taxi-driver in Fife was just about to start a joke about the handles on Beadle’s coffin being different sizes. Clearly this would be impossible unless news of his death had travelled at faster than light speeds and therefore through time. It may well be that photons are the universe’s way of communicating news of celebrity deaths.”

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Plot To Murder Thousands Of Soldiers Uncovered

MOD Reveals Extent Of Taliban Campaign

The Ministry Of Defence has today revealed a plot to murder thousands more British troops. Following on from revelations in the Parviz Khan ‘Beheading Plot’ trial, Field Marshall Montague Ebbsfleet revealed “We have every reason to believe that Taliban troops dotted across Afghanistan are poised, as soon as the opportunity arises, to kill the many thousands of British soldiers stationed there.”

The plot was uncovered by military intelligence following several years of observation of Taliban movements. It seems that one of the main objectives of the Taliban forces has been to shoot at British soldiers with the hope of seriously wounding or killing them. The news has come as a shock to many ground troops.

“I just thought they were excited to see us, to be honest” said Private Clyde Driscoll, currently stationed outside Kabul. “My sergeant told me we were playing paintball with them. But to find out that there’s an organised, religious fundamentalist group that means British troops harm – well, it’s terrifying, isn’t it?”

Private Driscoll’s sentiments were echoed by many of the personnel currently serving in the armed forces, although most did not wish to be named. One stated “They didn’t mention this in the adverts, did they? I just thought I’d get my engineering degree, have a smart haircut, get pissed with my mates on a Friday and annoy the fuck out of locals near the barracks. But people plotting to kill us? That’s a bit fucking much.”

Gordon Brown has been quick to denounce the Taliban’s tactics of trying to kill British troops. “This barbarism cannot be prudently countenanced in a modern, progressive, free-market society. It is a sad fact that many of the people that British troops are opening fire at are actually trying to kill them.

They will stop at nothing to avoid being killed by our armed forces, resorting to running away, hiding or even disguising themselves as a school full of pupils. To point guns at our armed forces with the intent of firing back is an outrage we cannot tolerate. We shall not rest until every person that refuses to let us shoot at them is killed.”

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Mystic Brian & The FA Cup 5th Round Draw

Football Predictions Hot Off The Ether

After yesterday’s FA Cup 5th round draw, Mystic Brian has gazed into his crystal palace ball to see who will emerge victorious:

I see red & white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers

I see a capital city full of joy. Men are running around the streets singing. Except for two of them - one has a big nose and more houses than Barratt and the other chap has an expression of permanent surprise/dismay. They tried running for 10 yards but had to stop through exhaustion. The black feller threw up into his hands.
Cardiff to beat Wolves

What is this? A prophecy? "The men of steel are resolute. Their will is unbreakable. Hewn from the very metal of the earth are they. They shall not bend, nor shall they break. But after 85 minutes of woefully inept football Aliadiere will bundle one over the line with his arse."
Middlesbrough to beat Sheffield United

Virgil once wrote: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts. But beware fat Americans bearing £400 million quid of somebody else's money even more." I see a turbulent sea, dotted with dodgy facial hair and banners talking about victories long since past. They shall not walk alone but they will probably got knocked out in the next round when they actually have to play a team that knows what the goal looks like.
Liverpool to beat Barnsley

I see two great titans locked in mortal combat. I see two mighty armies pitched in glorious battle. I see a Leicester man with big ears using the phrase "Tie of the round" several hundred times. I see a flame-haired man being described as "exploding from midfield - he's the best around for that" shortly before tripping over the ball. I see a vast arena eerily silent, at least until that greasy Portugese bastard flukes one in just before half time.
Manchester United to beat Arsenal.

Through the dim mists of time I see the men of the north running around a muddy pitch sporting great big handlebar moustaches and smoking a pipe to celebrate their victory. The mists clear as we move toward the present day. I see a fallen giant currently about as appealing to watch as obese granny porn. They will, however, emerge triumphant.
Preston to beat Portsmouth

The men of middle earth come face to face. But the outcome will be as important to the final reckoning as a gazelle's opinion on Third World Debt is to the lion who is eating him. I predict an ordeal more dour than a hungover Gordon Brown waiting for a bus in the pouring rain. Eventually, one side will go through, because the universe can stand only so much suffering. I see a standup comedian being picked out in the stands.
West Brom to beat Coventry

The crystal ball shows me many allegorical situations. Brian Blessed sitting on a meringue. A child with brittle bones being hit in the face with an armored personnel carrier. A snowman trying to juggle eighteen blowtorches. A mouse with broken legs, dipped in taramasalata, being kicked through a cat sanctuary. What can all this mean?
Chelsea to beat Huddersfield

Monday, 28 January 2008

Commuters Tell Tide To Go Away

Protesting Commuters Eye New Target

South West commuters will flock to the beaches of Devon next weekend and demand that the tide go back to France where it came from.

This follows the fare strike action taken against First Great Western Trains today. Commuters carried protest tickets bearing slogans such as “Worst Late Western” as a way of highlighting the perceived poor service of the rail company.

Iain Ebbsfleet, who co-ordinated today’s protest, said “We feel that the best way to force a huge, faceless corporation into providing a better service for its customers is by the use of weak puns and subtle sarcasm. If things don’t start improving, we will have no hesitation in rolling our eyes, tutting and saying “For goodness’ sake” under our breath. We know that seems drastic but we’re not to be trifled with.”

Buoyed by the success of today’s action – many train guards were visibly miffed – Ebbsfleet has set his sights on the encroaching sea next.

“For too long, we have been at the mercy of an uncaring, irregular and inefficient tide. Not any more. I am calling on all South West commuters to stand on the beach at midday on Saturday and wag a reproachful finger at the tide. I feel confident that we will be as successful in forcing the tide back into the sea as we have been in forcing a rich, powerful company in a monopoly position to give nine shits about whether we’re unhappy or not.”

Ebbsfleet went on to outline his plans to bring about world peace and turn back time itself. “I’ve been listening to a lot of Paul McCartney and Cher. That’s all I’m saying” he added cryptically.

The Customer Affairs spokesman for First Great Western was more pragmatic about today’s protest, however.

“They can get on the fucking trains, pay their fucking fares and keep their fucking mouths shut as far as we’re concerned. If we want to halve the number of carriages, double the fares or force commuters to chew copper wire for the length of their journey then we’ll do it and they’ll fucking well take it.

If they want us to improve our service I suggest they go and try to shit out a diamond. Let’s see what happens first. I’d say they can like it or lump it but in truth they can fucking well loathe it or lump it. We’re here, we’ll do what the fuck we want and there’s tits-all they can do about it, the whining fucking pigs.”

Friday, 25 January 2008

Sonic Hedgehogs ‘Nearly Extinct In UK’

Speeding Creature Could Die Out By 2012

Wildlife experts are warning that the Sonic Hedgehog, once a common creature in the UK, could become extinct in the next five years.

“As little as fifteen years ago, Sonic The Hedgehog was a thriving, popular creature throughout the Great Britain. In 2008, however, sightings have become so rare that we fear it might be too late to save him.” said Bryson Ebbsfleet of the UK Conservation Trust.

The population of the sonic hedgehog, with its distinctive blue markings and red trainers, was once estimated at over four million in the early 90s. These days, however, it is very rare to see the animal outside of dilapidated seaside arcades and the living rooms of very poor council estates.

Sonic Hedgehogs were once a common Christmas present for children, helping to boost their native population. But the recent popularity of Snake Plisskens have all but wiped out their numbers. “Snake Plisskens are the natural predator of the sonic hedgehog” said Ebbsfleet.

“Sonics, although very quick, are peaceful creatures with little natural defences. Just two jabs with a row of spikes is enough to kill them. Snake Plisskens, on the other hand, use stealth, hi-tech weaponry and the ability to sneak up on foes and break their necks to hunt their prey. Sonics are really no match for them.”

Ebbsfleet is urging the public to make their gardens more sonic-friendly in order to revive their flagging numbers. “If people could place a row of gold rings down their children’s slide, maybe with a trampoline at the bottom, this would provide a safe haven for young sonic hedgehogs. Also, installing roving CCTV cameras and armed guards that patrol in regular patterns will discourage the influx of Snake Plisskens.” Bill Oddie is also scheduled to feature a “Sonic Watch” section in the next series of ‘Bill Oddie’s Wild Side’.

Ebbsfleet warns that if drastic measures are not taken, the sonic hedgehog could follow the Donkey Kong & the Q-Bert into extinction.

At time of publication, Dr Robotnik was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

"Let's Punch Britain Thin" Says Health Secretary

Government Enlist School Bullies In Obesity Fight

Health Secretary Alan Johnson has turned to the nation’s school bullies in his latest bid to fight childhood obesity in a white paper entitled “Blobby Bastards – A Growing Concern”.

“This government has always looked for innovative solutions to national problems” said Johnson “And with this in mind, I call upon the bullies, tormentors and young sadists of the UK to take up the challenge to browbeat Britain thin.”

In the new scheme, each academic year would have a Named Bully whose campaigns of physical and psychological abuse would earn them partial credits toward their GCSE exams. In conjunction with head teachers, overweight children would be awarded ‘Fat Little Fuck’ status and a planned schedule of wedgies, name-calling & emotional scarring put into place.

“I’m all for this” said Tupac Ebbsfleet, a 14-year-old bully attending Knutsford Secondary Modern School. “For several years I’ve been independently making whale noises around fat kids, laughing at them in PE changing rooms and the like. It’s good to know that in the future my hard work will be recognised.”

All-knowing guru Raj Persaud said the scheme would work on established psychological principles. “It’s been scientifically proven that fat kids are weak, easily manipulated and live in daily fear of being ostracised by their peers. A well-planned system of bullying would re-educate their eating habits, making them realise that stuffing their piggy little fucking faces with chips all day is no good for them. I’d estimate that approximately three months of sustained, organised bullying would help them decrease their weight significantly. ”

And the scheme has been given celebrity backing by irritating face-mistake Jamie Oliver. “I’m all for helping kids lose weight. I got the ball rolling by calling thousands of blameless dinner ladies a bunch of useless cuntrags. I think it was important for me to point out that if I can make organic, nutritionally balanced menus in my frigging enormous home, they can do the same for 300 ungrateful, braying brats while earning minimum wage. If slapping a few fat kids can get them off the turkey twizzlers, then I’m right behind it. Geezer.”

The Health Secretary is expected to pilot the scheme “In some dreadful little northern town” next month, before rolling it out across the whole of Scotland in September 2008. “Have you seen the way those caber-munchers eat?” asked Johnson “A few less gallons of Tizer and laying off the deep-fried black pudding will do them the world of good.”

Monday, 21 January 2008

Nothing Happens In Knutsford

Knutsford News-Free For Third Day In A Row

Concern is growing amongst the journalistic community of Knutsford after nothing of note happened in the town for the third day in a row. Dave Ebbsfleet, chairman of the Knutsford Society Of Journalists, says the incident slump is the worst for two hundred years:

“We first noticed something was wrong on Saturday morning. Usually, a Friday night will have turned up something juicy like a punch-up in a pub or a dog savaging a kid. But when we checked our emails, there was nothing – nobody had even poked us on Facebook.

The last time it was this bad was in the early 1800s when most of the town was indoors with the dropsy. In the end, ‘The Knuttsforde Examinatory Gazzetteer’ just printed pictures of some weaving looms to fill the pages up.”

A combination of bad weather and people being skint after Christmas is believed to be the cause of such a quiet Friday but locals are baffled as to why the following Saturday & Sunday continued to be quite so journalistically eventless.

“I’ve lived here for forty years” said local resident Dylan Travelog “and I’ve never seen it this quiet. I had to get the bus to Chester and go to a titty bar for a bit of excitement. Bent right over, they did. You could see everything.”

There is some optimism from local authorities, however. “Knutsford is a thriving, exciting town” said Knutsford MP George Osbourne. “I am fully confident that it can bounce back from the current news slump. I have been in close contact with the chief of police and he assures me that a local drought in crack cocaine will soon have Knutsford drug addicts running around the streets like extras from ’28 Days Later’. 98% of the place will be on fire, stolen or in the process of being raped come Tuesday evening.”

But Knutsford journalists remain pessimistic. “At this rate, we’re going to have to beat up some old dears ourselves, otherwise the next issue of The Knutsford Chronicle is just going to be crossword puzzles, knitting patterns and ads for secondhand cars.” said Ebbsfleet.

Friday, 18 January 2008

Britain To Be Sold At Auction

Great Britain ‘To Be Repossessed’

Following the Northern Rock fiasco, rising mortgage rates and spiralling amounts of people defaulting on their credit cards, a consortium of foreign banks have called in the bailiffs on the whole of the United Kingdom.

“We have tried to be patient” explained Dr Hans Ebbsfleet, Chief Executive of TransInternationalGlobalCorp Bank. “Time and again we have contacted Britain and asked if they could make even a token payment toward the 1.2 trillion pounds they owe us. But they kept hanging up on us or promising to pay £100 into their local branch, only for the money to never materialise.”

It is understood that the consortium met in a darkened mahogany room in Geneva early this week to decide what was to be done about Britain’s mountainous credit card bill. Suggestions ranged from asking Britain if it had any wealthy relative countries who could help make payments, to asking Britain to detail its weekly incoming and outgoing money to see if any savings could be made.

However, such an approach was apparently made in early 2006, with Britain telling the consortium that it was starting a new job in a couple of weeks’ time and would be back on its feet shortly.

“We had no choice but to get the courts involved.” said Ebbsfleet “Britain never turned up on the hearing date so the judge granted in our favour.” A team of 500,000 bailiffs are due to arrive in Britain on January 24th to seize goods to the value of the debt. It is understood that the Crown Jewels will be amongst the items taken to repay what is owed.

“All I would ask is that Britain does not pretend to be out when the bailiffs arrive” said Ebbsfleet. “It’s only delaying the inevitable. If we have to spend the next six months repossessing every iPod, flat screen TV and Wii in Britain to get our money back, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was defiant in the face of this news, stating “We haven’t got the money, so I don’t know what they expect us to do. And all that stuff in the living room doesn’t belong to us anyway. It’s Ireland’s, so they can’t take it. If they carry on like this we’ll just file for bankruptcy and they can ruddy well tickle for their money then.”

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Bank Given Foul-Mouthed Sentence

HSBC Ordered To “Go Fuck Themselves”

In a landmark ruling, the High Court has ordered the high street bank HSBC to “Go fuck themselves, with immediate effect.”

The decision was made during the judge’s summing-up in a test case over bank charges yesterday. Tony Ebbsfleet, a mussel farmer from Cornwall, took HSBC to court over what he felt to be “unreasonable, excessive and frankly sodding ridiculous” deductions from his account over the past five years.

“On one occasion, I’d stepped into my local branch to get out of the rain for a couple of minutes.” said Ebbsfleet. “Well, bugger me if a few days later I didn’t get a letter telling me they were going to charge me £49.99 for the privilege. When I queried it, they gave me some guff about ‘excessive carpet use’ and ‘unauthorised lobby access’. And then they sent me another letter saying they were going to charge me another twenty quid for the explanation letter.”

Ebbsfleet attempted to resolve the situation using HSBC’s standard complaints procedure, which the High Court heard was a four-part system of:

1: Losing the initial letter.
2: Hanging up the phone whenever a complainant called or putting on a funny voice and saying “Me never heard of Mr HSBC. Very sorry.”
3: Claiming the member of staff concerned was possessed by the God Isis and as such not responsible for their actions.
4: Writing to the customer, making vaguely threatening comments about how easy identity theft could be and how flammable their money is.

Ebbsfleet, dissatisfied with this, continued to press on with his complaint only to find that further charges had been levied. These ranged from ‘unauthorised overdraft charges’ and ‘declined direct debits’ to ‘handling of wrongly-shaped pounds’ and ‘Maureen’s leaving present’.

“I finally lost my rag” said Ebbsfleet. “I wrote them a letter saying that if they wanted their money, they could go shit in their hand and toss it at a unicorn. When they threatened me with court action, I decided to take it all the way to the top.”

In his summary, Judge Emsley Fox stated “While Mr Ebbsfleet’s suggestion of hand-shitting may have been unreasonable, it is our finding that HSBC’s actions over the past five years have been unprofessional, intimidatory and in many cases bloody childish. We rule that all charges against Mr Ebbsfleet’s account should be reimbursed forthwith. Furthermore, I order that HSBC go and take a running fuck at themselves, with immediate effect. If they fail to do so, I shall have no hesitation in further ordering that they shove their call centres up their arses.”

Judge Fox also recommended that Natwest should “Fuck right off as well.”

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

"It's Fucking Pissing Down" Says MET

British Reservoirs “Now Too Full”

Following days of torrential rain, the Central Water Board have advised that the nation’s reservoirs are now dangerously topped-up and are urging the public to take measures to alleviate the situation.

“You know what it’s like.” said Kelvin Ebbsfleet, head of Precipitation Studies at Knutsford University “You wait for ages for a deluge of almost biblical proportions, then loads come at once. It’s like buses, only buses made of water.”

Dam engineers have so far managed to keep the situation under control by flooding valleys populated only by dreadful, impoverished northern people. But as the rain continues to fall, they have admitted the problem has reached crisis point.

A spokesman for the CWB said “We’ve done all we can. The big valves are turned all the way clockwise – clockwise, is that right? Yes, clockwise – so there’s little more for us to do.”

To avert scenes like in The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact and that one with Christian Slater in it, the CWB have released a ten-point plan that every man, woman, child and transgender individual in the country will have to abide by, under pain of house arrest for an indeterminate period :

1. Turn on your taps in the kitchen sink, then go for a walk.
2. Wash your car twice a day. If you don’t own a car, ask your neighbour if you can wash theirs.
3. Double flush your toilet every time, even if it’s a precautionary number one before you leave the house.
4. Water your lawn every twenty minutes, until it looks like the last day of Glastonbury.
5. Boil all food, even chips.
6. Have a bath every time you sneeze, cough or pass wind. If any of these occur while in the bath, get out, empty the bath and start again.
7. Buy a great big fish tank.
8. The repair of any dripping taps will be punishable by five years imprisonment.
9. Wash clothes one item at a time.
10. Tie a note saying “Pack it in”, wrap it around a firework and shoot it into the sky to appease the rain god Watanabe.

When asked whether the above actions suggested the CWB were colluding with water companies to increase profits, their spokesman merely replied “No comment” before speeding away in his brand new Porsche Carrera.

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Benitez Controversy

Benitez’s Desk Moved Into Carpark

After the progressive breakdown in relations between Liverpool FC manager Rafael Benitez and Liverpool’s American owners Tom Hicks & George Gillett, and following management’s recent talks with Jurgen Klinsmann, it was today revealed that Benitez’s office furniture has been moved into the club carpark.

“This is was a perfectly ordinary precautionary measure” said Hicks. “We’re due to move into the new stadium in 2011 and need to start shifting our stuff out sooner rather than later. We just thought that bunging all Rafael’s gear into a Portakabin in the carpark could get that process started.”

Benitez was allegedly shocked to report to work this morning to find his name had been scrubbed from his parking bay and the nameplate removed from his office door. Liverpool management have described this as “All part of standard health & safety procedure.”

The club found it harder to explain Benitez’s other discoveries:
• A booking form for an Oompah band.
• A huge congratulations card with “Welcome to LFC, Jurgen” written inside being passed around the office with an envelope full of pound coins.
• The staff canteen menu changed to include bratwurst, sauerkraut and big foamy tankards of ale.

“It’s very, erm, simple” stammered Hicks. “In a club this size, it’s feasible that at some point we might employ somebody called Jurgen. Possibly as a security guard or something. It’s also possible that this person might conceivably be German. So it makes sense for us to try and make them feel welcome.”

Jurgen Klinsmann was unavailable for comment, stating that “Selling your house and putting all your furniture into removals vans is a busy job, ja?”

Monday, 14 January 2008

Lottery Unfairness Storm

Outrage As Rich Twat Wins Lottery

Changes have been demanded in the rules governing who can enter the National Lottery after a peer of the realm won £1.2 million in Saturday’s draw.

“I am sickened to the very core of my being” said Tony Ebbsfleet, founder of PuntUK, an organisation that campaigns for more fairness in UK gambling. “I have put five lines on the lottery, every draw, since it began. I’ve used my tried & tested numbers, lucky dips – and I regularly travel to towns when the tabloids say it’s the luckiest place in the UK. And I’ve won tits-all.”

Ebbsfleet, currently living in a council hostel after losing his job, home and wife due to “unrelated circumstances”, went on to say “If, to take a completely random example, I was to win the lottery, that money would be put to really good use. I could pay off my loans, get my stuff back from Cash Converters and maybe buy my Cheryl some flowers. The kids would get their Child Support as well. But what’s some toff going to do with a lottery win?”

The answer to that question was given by Lord Haviscombe Huff, the winner of Saturday’s jackpot. “I’d absolutely no idea I’d entered the bally thing, to be honest” Lord Huff stated. “I was actually trying to apply for lottery funding to get the East wing repaired. It’s in a frightful state and we’ve not been able to allow tourists in there for simply months. I thought the lottery ticket thingy was a form asking how much money I needed.”

Lord Huff’s estate, the eighth largest in Britain, attracts over 200,000 visitors a year. But he dismissed suggestions that his windfall might help pay for the repairs his 42-bedroom manor requires. “Good gracious, no.” he scoffed “The manor is a national treasure. In many senses it belongs to the nation, except in the sense that I live here and all these antiques are mine. If the public want places like this to remain then I’m afraid they’re going to have to pony up.” He then indicated his intention to spend the £1.2 million on a 13-foot crystal swan for his private collection.

Meanwhile, Ebbsfleet is starting a petition to stop a repeat of such events, entitled “Bastard, Bastard, Lucky Bastard, Fucking Bastard Lucky Bastard.”

Friday, 11 January 2008

Music Promoter In Bid For More Cash

Give Me My Fucking Money, Demands Goldsmith

After MPs voted against the bid to make ebay ticket sellers share their profits with promoters, Harvey Goldsmith has told the press “I haven’t got enough money and I want – no, need - lots more.”

Goldsmith is furious about the fact people are allowed to sell items they have bought at a profit, as he feels that any profit made in the music industry should be given to him to him immediately.

“Do you know what my bath taps are made out of?” asked Goldsmith “I’ll tell you – gold. Fucking gold, I ask you. If these thieving bastards handed over what they owed me I’d be able to replace them with ones made out of platinum meteorites. But no, the cheeky shitters are keeping it all to themselves.”

Goldsmith believes that any item he sells still remains, in principal, his possession until the end of recorded time. He was recently in court suing Midge Ure for selling Goldsmith’s ex-London apartment at a tidy profit. “Cheeky twat, that Ure bloke. I sold him my flat in 2003 for a fair price – 1.2 million, if memory serves. And what does he go and do? Sells it on for 1.4 million. Un-fucking-be-bastard-lievable. That two hundred grand’s mine and if I see Ure in the street I’ll take it out of his face in 2p coins.”

Goldsmith’s latest measure to stop people selling things that belong to them is to have a moving hologram printed on all tickets, showing him wagging his finger with one hand and waving a baseball bat around with the other. When asked how much this would increase the cost of tickets by, Goldsmith stated “Who gives a chimp’s cock? Eighty sheets to see five blokes play music seems fair to me, so if the punters end up paying ninety just so I can have my hologram, so be it.”

“I promise you” he continued “I’ll get my frigging wedge, even if I have to stop people as they go into gigs myself and ask them where they got their tickets.”

“Oh, and I’m having that as well.” he concluded, taking a desk lamp from the hotel room where the press conference was conducted.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

BoyBand Reunion Woes

Boy Band Reunion Put On Hold

The planned reunion of 90s boyband New Kids On The Block has been delayed after it was revealed that nobody could remember who all of them were.

“It’s a goddamn shame, as we were putting together a package tour with Colour Me Badd & Glenn Madeiros” said US music mogul Hank Ebbsfleet.

The initial idea is thought to have been prompted by Take That’s comeback tour, which has seen thousands of 30-something women screaming with sexually frustrated abandon at a band that looks like a bunch of recovering heroin addicts.

“We all remembered Donnie, of course” said Ebbsfleet “which was easy enough to do. The guy’s actually had a career in the last 15 years, know what I mean? Jordan was the one all the girls had a crush on, I remembered, and I got his number from Syd Little after he did that show with him on Channel 5.”

Jordan’s brother was also remembered, but was only tracked down after he sold Ebbsfleet a condo in LA.

“After that we were totally stumped” admitted Ebbsfleet ”We knew there were two, possibly three more members but for the life of us we couldn’t think who they were. One of them looked like an Easter Island statue wearing a clown mask, we knew that much.”

Attempts to jog their memory by buying copies of the albums met with failure. “Trying to buy a copy of a NKOTB album in a store today is like going into Starbucks and asking for a flagon of mead.” said Ebbsfleet.

Asking the existing band members met with failure too, as neither Donnie, Jordan nor his brother could remember anything more specific than “One of the guys had tattoos, we think.”

One possible solution is to have other members of Ebbsfleet’s package tour double up as bogus New Kids. “Who’s gonna know the difference? The Colour Me Badd guys used to have more pussy than sense and we’ve just rescued them from flipping burgers. If I tell ‘em to put on a wig and mime to ‘Hanging Tough’ those motherfuckers will do it.”

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Man Dies While On Hold

Man Ends 25-Year Attempt To Speak To Council

Ray Ebbsfleet’s 25-year effort to speak to somebody at Croydon Council ended yesterday with his death, aged 67.

Mr Ebbsfleet first telephoned Croydon Council on January 8th 1982 to query the balance on his rent account. A recorded message told him “We are experiencing unusually high call volumes at the moment. Your call is placed in a queue and will be answered shortly.” So began his quarter-of-a-century vigil listening to hold music.

“He was always a very patient man” his widow Marion told reporters “And despite me repeatedly asking him to hang up, he’d just say that he’d waited this long, it seemed daft to give up now.”

During Ebbsfleet’s mammoth stint on hold, it is estimated he listened to ‘Greensleeves’ over 10,000 times and apparently knew Vivaldi’s ‘Four Seasons’ so well he could hum the bassoon part in his sleep.

While the world witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall, the release of Nelson Mandela and the invention of Cheese Strings, Mr Ebbsfleet continued to sit by his phone table, doodling on enough sheets of notepaper to cover an area the size of Knutsford.

There was a glimmer of hope in July of 1993 when the line seemed to connect to an operator briefly before returning to an easy-listening version of “Strangers In The Night”, causing Ebbsfleet to say “Hello? H-e-l-l-o?” hopefully for eighteen days in a row.

But his epic wait to hear why he was 43 pence in arrears ended in the early hours of yesterday morning when he passed away peacefully at home, surrounded by his family.

“The strain on Ray’s body was just too much in the end” said Thompson Swift, the family’s GP. “The constant rubbing on his ear by the telephone receiver had caused a callous that looked like the Elephant Man’s elbow. And after 25 years of hearing the hold music end, expecting to be put through only for another song to start, the strain was too much on his heart.”

Ray is survived by his wife Marion and two children Press1Now and Thankyouforholding.

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

BNP Launch Education Policy

BNP Promises ‘Standards Of Bigotry’ For Under-10s

Nick Griffin has unveiled the BNP’s new education policy which promises that “Every child shall, by the age of ten, be proficient in a basic level of racial intolerance.”

Speaking at a party conference in Ebbsfleet, Griffin said “It breaks my heart to see Britain slipping behind other heathen nations in so many areas – standards of living, literacy and Nintendo Wii ownership. But we believe that a grass-roots approach to blind intolerance can once again make Britain great.”

Griffin went on to say what first inspired the new policy. “I was walking my Great British Bulldog 'Enoch' through the park not so long ago and heard two fourteen-year-olds playing by the swings. Imagine my disgust when I heard one of them call the other a ‘wop’. The boy was clearly of Spanish origin and the more correct ‘dago’ should have been used.

To think that a child could get to that age and not know the basic differences between a cowardly, greasy wop and a lazy, smelly dago makes me despair for our future.”

Under the BNP’s new scheme, a ‘Buddy System’ would be employed in primary schools, partnering pupils with elderly bigots to pass on their knowledge. “There is a great, untapped resource of thoughtless hatred in this country going to waste.” said Griffin “I, for one, do not believe that people should be placed on the scrapheap at the age of 65. Especially when they can pass on their years of experience making comments about ‘natural sense of rhythm’ and ‘breeding like flies’.”

Griffin has also asked television chiefs to get behind the BNP policy by bringing back programs such as ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ and ‘Mind Your Language’. Griffin added “If we could get the next Children In Need to be hosted by Jim Davidson dressed as ‘Chalky’ and Lenny Henry doing that one who shouted ‘Katanga!’, that would be a real boost.”

Under Griffin’s educational reform, by secondary school all pupils will have been tested in the following areas:

· Complaining about cookery smells
· Work Experience – who is stealing all our jobs and why
· Sporting Dichotomy: Why foreigners who play for your team are different
· The Five Basic Welfare Scams Of The Darkie
· Elementary name-calling

Monday, 7 January 2008

Television Complaints Hit New Heights

Ofcom Inundated By 'Whole Evening Of Shite' Complaints

A spokesman for the TV watchdog Ofcom confirmed today that the number of complaints from irate viewers after last Saturday night's schedule of repeats, reality tv shows and soaps were 'unprecedented'.
"It's like an avalanche of hungry babies hitting a silage plant" he said. "We've turned the phones off but that's not stopped people throwing notes through the windows wrapped around frozen lumps of shit. As I speak, somebody has trained a kestrel to hover outside our office with the word 'wankers' painted on its wings."
It is understood that a combination of events led to the record level of televisual dissatisfaction. Media expert Duwayne Ebbsfleet stated "The BBC sent a license fee reminder the same day as Sky sent their bill out. This alone would be enough to push most viewers to the edge. But when ITV showed a jumped-up karaoke night followed by Parkinson interviewing Billy Connolly for the umpteenth fucking time, their anger reached critical point."
"It was awful" sobbed one viewer, who wished to remain anonymous. "I kept pushing the channel change button over and over again, but all that happened was a collage of Clarkson, 'Friends' repeats and Argos adverts."
ITV have admitted there were some 'technical difficulties' during Saturday's broadcast. "The Commissioning Head Of ITV is under a lot of pressure and unfortunately this sustained pressure caused his bottle to go completely. We are reviewing our contingency plans for when this occurs but until that's in place, a complete bottling out of ITV to produce anything original, entertaining or challenging will mean more weekend schedules of unremitting cock."

Sunday, 6 January 2008

Maddie Story 'Not Dead Yet' Says Journalist

Media Give Up Search For Maddie Stories

The head of the UK Press Association announced today that Britain's newspapers will be formally scaling down their search for new angles on the kidnapping of Madeleine Mccann just seven short months ago.

Spokesman Chester Ebbsfleet said "All of us in Fleet Street still hold out hope that some new piece of unsubstantiated tittle might come to light or a character we've not previously assassinated. But we have to be realistic – we've carried on four and five page spreads for months despite there being no new developments in the case. We cannot be expected to sell lots and lots of papers just by rehashing previous stories. We have to concentrate our efforts elsewhere, in the interests of our readership. That Britney Spears' little sister is up the duff, for instance, and if you bung that Welsh nobend Rhydian on the front cover you'll double your circulation."

But freelance journalist Sandy Buttress feels the PA have given up too soon. "I firmly believe that the Madeleine Mccann story is still alive." said Buttress. "I have been speaking to contacts in Portugal and I confidently predict that Madeleine will be back on our front pages, where she belongs, in time for Easter."

When pressed on what new information he had, Buttress alluded to the fact Robert Murat owned a copy of the book 'Lolita' and had once watched an episode of 'Minipops' back in the 1980s.

When asked about the Press Association's scaling down of coverage, the Mccann parents issued a statement. "We are wholly innocent of killing our child, driving her away in the back of a hire car and dumping her body down a well somewhere." When it was pointed out to them that that wasn't the question, they added "Oh, right. Yes. Erm. We're very upset about that thing you've just said. What was it again?"

Saturday, 5 January 2008

'Universe Created On A Friday' Say Scientists

'Universe Created On A Friday' Say Scientists

Research at the Sutton Coldfield Astrophysics College has revealed that all that ever was and ever shall be came into being on a Friday. "We reckon it was about ten past four in the afternoon, if you want to be really precise" said chief researcher Patrick Ebbsfleet.

The actual day of the beginning of existence has been established after weeks of painstaking work. "We pulled together several disciplines of scientific study" said Ebbsfleet "History, Theology, Physics and, of course, Wikipedia. I'm having next week off after all that graft, I can tell you."

The research team started by establishing the earliest known date in recorded history - a Mesopotamian shopping list dated 5th June, 4512 BC - and worked backwards from there. "After that, we added up all the ages of the people in the Bible, so that got us back a bit further." said Ebbsfleet. The team then used existing carbon dating & astrophysical research ("Wikipedia. Godsend, that website is." - Ebbsfleet) to stretch back into the furthest reaches of time. "Most scientists agree that current research can't account for the absolute start of time, so we added on a couple of days" he continued.

The Sutton Coldfield institute feel that the revelation the universe came into being late on Friday afternoon can answer many current questions about life on Earth. "If you look around the world a lot of it seems half-arsed, unplanned and shoddy. Clearly something that was done just before knocking off for the weekend." said Ebbsfleet.

Religious leaders have been quick to condemn the report, with His Holiness the Pope calling the thesis "The bumwad of Satan" and one leading Muslim cleric denouncing it as "Shoddy, ill-conceived and probably bombworthy."

Friday, 4 January 2008

New Police Powers

Police Unveil New "Do That Again And I'll Twat You" Powers

In a bid to curb teen antisocial behaviour, police have been granted permission to shoe the little shits when they step out of line.

The Home Secretary Jacquie Smith said "For years we have seen the streets of Britain become a dangerous place to live. Well, I say 'we', I actually live in a fucking huge mansion in the countryside. Anyway, the previous power of a Clip Around The Ear was no longer effective and modern policing needs modern methods.

As of December 1 st, the police are entitled to give the youth of Britain a hiding they'll never forget. I would urge the public that, if any young shitehawks start playing up on your street, dicking about with your car or playing that godawful R&B at top volume or what have you, they should call 999 and four burly coppers will come around and knock the little fucker's spine up through their noses."

The new policy has been given the surprise backing of civil liberties group Liberty . "It's about time this happened" said spokesman Charlton Ebbsfleet "Three bastard windows I've had to replace in my car this year. And if you lay a hand on them they scream blue murder and before you know it you've got shit pushed through your letterbox for being a paedo."

Since the "Do That Again And I'll Twat You" bill was passed, applications to the police force have rocketed by 72%

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Food Scare Latest

Scientist Warns Public To Quit Eating

A Department of Health expert told the public today that "Anything you eat will give you cancer or a heart attack. Maybe both. You're better off steering clear of food altogether".

Dr Charles Ebbsfleet of the DoH stated "Over the years, we've found out that absolutely everything is bad for you – eggs, meat, dairy products, wheat – the lot. You don't even want to fucking know what we found out about carrots the other day. Seriously."

"It's getting to the point where it's quicker to say what won't make you blow up like a piƱata full of tumours. I wish I'd never studied nutrition, frankly, as I can't look at a set of ingredients any more without fucking shitting myself."

As news broke of the DoH's announcement, hunchbacked fraud 'Dr' Gillian Mckeith was spotted running up to fat people in the street and shouting "Hah! I fucking TOLD you so!"

When pressed to name what foods were still safe, Dr Ebbsfleet said "Ooh, I dunno. I think peas are probably alright, as long as they're not mushy ones. Christ knows, though. Pretty soon we'll probably find out they make your cock fall off or something. It's too depressing to even think about. Look, just leave me alone, okay?"

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Brook Wins Top Award

Brook Wins 'Most Wanked Over' Award

At a glitzy, glamorous, star-studded, glitzy, showbiz-studded awards ceremony last night, Kelly Brook was confirmed as Britain 's most wanked-over British female celebrity of 2007.

A panel of experts wearing white coats have pointed at big flashy machines for weeks and calculated that Ms Brook has been the subject of 75 million acts of self-pollution over the last twelve months.

Egon von Ebbsfleet, chairman of The Wankies said "Kelly Brook's achievement is quite phenomenal. To put it into perspective, the amount of one-handed energy expended thinking about her breasts could light a town the size of Knutsford for eight months." Ebbsfleet went on to say that the amount of Brook-inspired spooge wiped into old socks and duvet covers over the last year would fill one and a half Olympic-sized swimming pools.

Accepting her award, Kelly Brook beamed "This is such a great honour for me. Growing up in Rochester , I always dreamed that one day blokes up and down the country would be sweatily hunched over magazine pictures of me with my wangers out. But not my nips, 'cos I've got class."

Daniel Craig won in the male category, with an estimated 35 million beans having been flicked whilst thinking about him in those trunks out of 'Casino Royale'.

And The Wankies handed a lifetime achievement award to Pamela Anderson on notching up a staggering 1 billion cheeky ones off the wrist in her honour. The magical figure was reached on 12th October 2007 at approximately 6:15 PM by Colin Murphy of Chester when his mother nipped out to the shops.